A/N: This is more a Leonard fic than an Leonard/Alex, but I wanted to write about them because I like the idea of this pairing. This is probably too angsty for this show, but there you go.
A huge thank you to Captain Riterra Smith for beta-reading this. The part about going into therapy was inspired by gyzym's Molly Hooper-centric fic An Avalanche of Detour Signs (best fic ever, guys, go read it asap).
He's not quite sure how it happened. One moment he can't shake away the feeling that the signs have been there all along, and the next, it feels like an unexpected punch to the gut that leaves him dead on the floor.
He's not quite sure how to take it. One moment he wants to think it's only natural, that he's been caught in the slow fade of love everyone goes through and that there's nothing to mourn, and the next, he feels like he's never going to survive it all and he wants to cry into the night until death overcomes him.
In the end, it doesn't really matter. He's fallen out of love, and for now, there really isn't much to say. There'll probably come a time for tears and heart wrenching feelings, but now isn't it.
ooo
He's supposed to see Penny today. She texted him yesterday – got really exciting news – and invited him over to her apartment for lunch. He's not sure he wants to go, because he's not in love with her anymore, but he guesses he kind of owes it to her – besides, she still thinks everything's perfect between them.
(It actually hasn't been perfect for a while. Probably never has been, come to think of it.)
ooo
She's got a recurring role in a TV show. There was a producer in the audience, that time she was Blanche DuBois, and he's offered her a role. She looks so happy and excited but Leonard can't help feeling bitter. Her life's starting now, and what does he have? An unexciting job – a job he never even wanted in the first place –, the most annoying roommate of all time, and now, a girlfriend he doesn't even love anymore.
Penny seems really happy tough, and she's still his friend – she's still his girlfriend – so he smiles and says he's proud of her. He does wonder if he should tell her now, but he decides it's best to wait.
ooo
Five weeks into his epiphany, and he wonders if he'll ever tell her.
His life is pathetic already, after all, and he reckons that a loveless relationship is not that bad compared to the rest. Besides, Penny's pretty, so when his world completely crumbles around him, he can comfort himself in thinking he's got a hot girlfriend, so it's probably is worth it, isn't it?
He can probably convince himself that it's the good thing to do.
Certainly worked for his parents.
ooo
In the end, he does tell her three days later.
He doesn't really know why.
Maybe it's witnessing Sheldon Cooper, of all people, blurting out an "I love you" to a stunned then elated Amy Farrah Fowler.
Maybe it's seeing that Howard and Bernadette's key to happiness is being totally honest with each other.
Maybe it's his parents' divorce becoming completely effective.
Maybe it's simply because even if he's not in love, Penny is still his friend and he owes her the truth.
In the end, it doesn't matter.
ooo
She asks him why. He doesn't know.
He asks if they can stay friends. She doesn't know.
ooo
He thinks about it, that night. He's postponed that train of thought until then, but her question invaded his mind and now he needs to find an answer.
Why doesn't he love Penny anymore?
"I always thought I'd be the one to end things between us", she said when he told her.
And maybe that's it. Maybe that's the reason. Maybe it's because she's been treating him like crap for weeks, for months – for years, really. Maybe he's done with never being enough for her, maybe he's tired of having to pretend to be someone else just to be with her.
Maybe he wants the old Leonard back, the one whose happiness didn't depend on the woman across the hall. The one who had his quirks and seemed awkward but was actually full of hope because he still had a future. The one who wanted to be loved for who he was, not for what he was pretending to be.
His relationship with Penny's been nothing short of toxic. He kind of realizes that, now.
For the first time, he ponders that maybe she's right – maybe they can't stay friends.
ooo
The following day, his feelings are all over the place, among the weirdest he's ever experienced. While he realizes that nothing has visibly changed, he knows that essentially, nothing will ever be the same again. After all, Penny's been the center of his universe for the last six and a half years; it's going to take a while to adjust to life without her.
But he doesn't mind. He's been living in everyone else's shadows for years. His parents, his siblings, his roommate, his girlfriend… Now it's time for him to put his needs first. He owes it to himself.
ooo
Sheldon comes to his lab for lunch. Leonard doesn't even know why, because it's obvious his excuse is completely made up (it's too silly, even for Doctor Crazy), but he suspects his roommate might be checking on him, making sure he's fine, not going through a post break up depression or something.
Why should he? Today's the beginning of the rest of his life.
ooo
Sadness finally hits and rolls over him like a wave a couple of weeks later.
He's been avoiding Penny, or Penny's been avoiding him, he's not quite sure – might as well be that they're both avoiding each other, actually – and he realizes that breaking up with her changed everything in ways he had not planned.
Bernadette and Amy haven't been at his apartment for over a week, preferring to spend time at Penny's, and eating with only the guys has a weird taste. It's just like it always was before Penny moved in, except that it's not, because they have history now, and you don't forget six years just because you realize you want something different.
He's not yearning for Penny, not really. But somehow, he realizes that this new freedom is perhaps more scary than their relationship was soul crushing.
ooo
He runs into Alex four weeks after he broke up with Penny. They come across each other at the supermarket, a complete accident, and a total surprise – Alex quit her job as Sheldon's assistant at CalTech before the break up – and he's not quite sure what he's supposed to do.
She used to like him, a couple of months ago. Shamelessly hit on him, even. He remembers now, the difficult situation it put him in with Penny. But he's single now, so he could give it a shot, right?
Alex is pretty and she's funny and smart and there's no reason why he shouldn't try to see if things could maybe go somewhere, someday.
He asks for her number. She gladly gives him. A couple of minutes after they part ways, he comes across a great deal for soy milk.
All in all, it's a nice day.
ooo
He texts her three days later. Something he's learnt the hard way with Penny is that being too eager to please will break him.
They agree to meet up for a drink later that week.
ooo
He's walking down the stairs on his way to his date – his date! – when he runs into Penny. She notices his clothes, and she can tell he's meeting a woman.
He wishes he could see hurt or even jealousy in her eyes, but all there is is disbelief, and he's suddenly very angry – at her, for taking him for granted for years, at himself, for letting her walk all over him over and over, at the world, for letting him believe that guys like him can't have a happy ending.
ooo
His date with Alex is a disaster. He's still angry at Penny, and he knows it's not Alex's fault that his ex-girlfriend is a cold-hearted bitch, but he can't help thinking that maybe Alex isn't that different from her and that she's gonna toy with him like a dog does with a bone.
He barely talks, only grunting his answers and never asking questions. He can see Alex is ill at ease, and after only a coffee and half a muffin, he pretends he has an important thing to attend to, and he's gone.
ooo
In the calm of his bathroom, he realizes that what he's done and he feels sick to his stomach. He's turned into Penny, and he can't quite look at his reflection in the mirror.
ooo
He calls Alex the day after, to apologize.
"I understand if you never want to see me ever again, but I've had a rough day yesterday, and I was wondering if you'd let me set things right. You deserve better than the awful date you had yesterday."
She says she needs a couple of days, but she'll call him later.
ooo
A week has gone when they finally meet again. He enters the café and spots her at the back, waiting for him. She's wearing a little black dress and her hair is up in a ponytail and she looks positively gorgeous and he kind of wonders what she sees in him when she could probably have anyone she wants.
He starts getting anxious in spite of everything he told himself before coming here – don't overthink things, be yourself, just have fun – and he ends up being the guy he's been for the past six years, the guy who isn't Leonard Hofstadter.
But that guy who tries way too hard did get Penny, so why wouldn't he get Alex?
ooo
He believes everything went smoothly and it's only when he tries calling her several times and she never answers over the next few days that he realizes maybe it didn't go as well as he thought.
ooo
He's tired of everything, and starts to think that maybe it's time for him to move on. Howard's married and went into space, Sheldon's joined at the hip with Amy and his latest discoveries earned him international acclaim and a nomination for the Nobel Prize, and even Raj's got Lucy and recently got promoted to head of the astrophysics department at CalTech. All of his friends have great lives, filled with love and great jobs, and then there's just poor old Leonard who can't keep a woman without screwing things up and who hates his job so much it actually gives him headaches just thinking about it.
Maybe it's time for him to head back to New Jersey.
(In the end, he decides against it. As much as his Californian life sucks, it still has the advantage of not having his mother.)
ooo
When Sheldon moves in with Amy, he feels the emptiest he's ever felt in his life.
ooo
It takes him a while to realize maybe he's suffering from depression.
At the beginning of the summer, he decides to put all of his prejudices aside and to start a therapy. After two sessions, he realizes he should have done that the moment he realized he wasn't in love with Penny anymore; after four sessions, he knows he should have started therapy the day his teenage self understood his mother would never love him. His life has been written in disappointments and pretenses and unmet expectations, and he's had enough.
ooo
December arrives and he's feeling better. He's moved, and the stress of maybe running into Penny in the stairs leaves him. Interesting things came up at work and for the first time in his life, his therapy makes him feel like he's understood.
The only thing that's missing from his life is love, but after the Penny and Alex fiascos, he's decided he might be better off without women, in the end.
ooo
On December 10th, all of Caltech is in front of giant screens, waiting for the moment Sheldon Cooper obtains his Nobel Prize. There is not a doubt in Leonard's mind that his friend will get it, and he's torn between feeling happy that his life goal is becoming a reality or annoyed at how impossibly arrogant Sheldon will be when he comes back from Sweden.
"He really deserves it, but a part of me wishes he doesn't get it."
Leonard turns his head towards the person who just spoke, and there she is, Alex Jensen, as pretty as the last time he saw her. He has not really thought about her these last few months. He's been way too busy putting his life back on track, and she's a reminder of things that didn't go well.
But she's smiling at him, so he smiles back and says:
"He's gonna be so annoying about it. I already want to slap him, and his name hasn't even been called yet."
"I admire you for having lived with him for so long."
"I'll never thank Amy enough for taking him off my hands, that's for sure."
Alex smiles again.
"They're really cute together."
He guesses they are, if one likes the spooky vibes that surround this couple of weirdos.
"They're themselves, with each other, you know. No pretenses. It's nice. It's refreshing."
He looks at her sad expression and somehow he can't help thinking she's talking about him, and sure enough, she is.
"This might be the alcohol talking, but I really liked you, Leonard."
He tries to keep the bitter taste out of his words when he says "You're the one who never returned my calls."
"Because I like the real you. The one I was hitting on and didn't even realize it. Not the one who tried to impress me because he thought he wasn't good enough."
She hesitates, and she adds:
"I'm not Penny, Leonard. I don't want you to become someone you're not. I just want you to be the person you really are."
And before he can say anything else, she walks away.
ooo
In the following couple of days, he thinks about her more than he's done in these past few months. Her words echo in his mind all the time, and he still doesn't understand: how can anyone like him for what he really is? Boring, uninteresting Leonard who's never been anything special.
He's come to terms with the fact that he isn't an astronaut, or a Nobel Prize laureate, or the head of a department like his friends are, but that doesn't mean being a nobody suddenly is hot and attractive.
ooo
He calls her on Friday morning. He wants to see her.
ooo
She arrives to his place at 2:00 the following Saturday. If she wants to see the real Leonard, what better place to start that than the place where he lives?
He hasn't bothered changing into something fancier than his hoodie and his jeans. He's not wearing cologne. He's not being apologetic for everything. He's not feeling sorry for asking if she wants to watch Doctor Who.
He's being himself, if that's what she wants.
ooo
It's 8:00 when she says she should go, and when he walks her to the door, she turns to him and kisses him softly.
"Thank you," she says. "And don't overthink things, alright?"
He nods and she's gone.
She's right, too. He doesn't know where things will go from there, but he's willing to simply let things go and wait and see.
He's got the rest of his life to learn to be happy and loved for who he is.
A/N: Thank you for reading :) I hope you liked this!