Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 5
EPISODE 25
Airdate: April 16, 2017
"The Birthdays from Hell"
#TYH525
SCENE 1
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK has brought the guys and Halley to his house. He stands in front of them and continually paces around.
RK: I called everyone here for a reason. As you know, April 16 is on the way. Which means it's Sunday. Which means a very important holiday is around the corner.
BUSTER: Hell yeah, Easter!
RK: Okay, yeah, Easter, but I meant Sparky's birthday. You know, the holiday that matters more. Now every year we try throwing Sparky a party and it doesn't work out because he always knows what we're up to. This year, we're going to skip the crazy shenanigans and get down to serious business.
BUSTER: Okay, you guys can do whatever you want, but Sparky and I still get our birthday drive.
RK: Birthday drive?
HALLEY: Oh, him and Sparky do it every year on their birthdays. It's really cute.
BUSTER: Yeah, see, we get up early on our birthdays and just drive through the city together. We hit the highway, chop it up with the drifters, then it's off to Woody's Roadhouse for a lethal dose of home fries, steak, and eggs.
WADE: I've never heard of Woody's Roadhouse.
BUSTER: Oh, sorry, I was thinking about Boy Meets World. What we really do is just go to the gas station and fill up on Pop Tarts.
RK: Speaking of home fries, I think it's important that we confirm the venue for Sparky's birthday.
JAYLYNN: Oh, you're not slick, RK. You're only interested in planning Sparky's party so you can go to that space restaurant.
RK: Home Fries from Outer Space is not that space restaurant. It's way more than that. It's not a bad restaurant, it's not a good restaurant. It's the restaurant.
WADE: I have to agree with RK. If Sparky's birthday is going to be memorable, we have to do it at the best restaurant in town.
HALLEY: Maybe we should see where Sparky wants to go.
RK: I like that idea. Get a feel for potential restaurants. In that case, Halley, you ask him. And if he says Home Fries from Outer Space, make sure it's at the top of the list.
HALLEY: But what if he mentions six places, and Home Fries is number five?
RK: Put it at number two. It evens out.
SCENE 2
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The next day, Halley walks up to Sparky by his locker.
HALLEY: Hi Sparky.
SPARKY: AAH! Halley, what are you doing here? You don't even go to this school.
HALLEY: You've made that joke a hundred times and I've never laughed once.
SPARKY: You will...one day. Anyway, what's new?
HALLEY: I should ask you that, birthday boy. How's it feel?
SPARKY: Eh, it's great, isn't it? The joy of aging. I guess it's alright, but this year, I think I'm playing it low-key.
HALLEY: Really? No party?
SPARKY: I guess a small one, but I don't need you guys to invite a hundred people to some fancy restaurant and blow a bunch of money on nothing. What I really want this year is to be with you guys.
HALLEY: Dammit.
Sparky looks at Halley with confusion.
HALLEY: I mean, dammit, I...I'm upset about a completely unrelated thing that has nothing to do with you.
SPARKY: You guys aren't planning anything special, are you?
HALLEY: No, of course not. Why would we do anything at all for your birthday?
SPARKY: Because you always do?
HALLEY: Hey, if you're just going to bring up the past, then...then I'm just gonna leave. And that will be that.
Halley walks backwards from Sparky as he shakes his head.
SPARKY: What a weird kid.
SCENE 2
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
Buster, RK, Wade, and Jaylynn are all eating lunch together.
JAYLYNN: It's not really a big deal, man.
RK: No one said it was, but you can't tell me that vanilla Zingers are anything more than confused Twinkies.
Halley runs towards the guys.
HALLEY: Guys, we have a big problem.
BUSTER: Yeah. They're cooking beef patties tomorrow. What a shame.
HALLEY: Not that. Wait, seriously? But anyway, Sparky doesn't want a big party. He just wants to spend the day with us and all that crap.
JAYLYNN: That doesn't mean anything to me.
WADE: Yeah, unless Sparky went to the nurse because of overexposure to radiation, I don't see the big deal.
HALLEY: He doesn't want a party. Which means we can't do anything special.
JAYLYNN: I don't even care about getting birthday parties like that. Didn't stop the guys from throwing one.
RK: Yeah, Halley, Sparky's just speaking in birthday code.
HALLEY: Birthday code?
RK: Yeah, birthday code. When he says "don't throw me a party," he really means "get me five million lasers, the step team from the local university, Russian acrobats juggling motorcycles, and Siberian tigers jumping in yogurt."
WADE: Not nearly as ostentatious, but yeah, Sparky's speaking in code.
HALLEY: Are you sure that's the case? Because Sparky's an honest guy. If he really wanted a party, he would tell us.
BUSTER: Trust me, he doesn't. One time, I didn't buy him a birthday present and he punched me in the jaw. I was in the hospital for nine days.
HALLEY: Really?
BUSTER: Yeah. Kinda. No, I'm just trying to get you on board.
HALLEY: I don't know, guys. I don't want to do something Sparky won't like.
WADE: Halley, it's okay. Everyone tries to downplay their birthday. It's just reverse psychology.
RK: Wade's right. Halley, you need to suck it up and put on your big girl pants. Because if we're going to Home Fries from Outer Space, we all have to take this seriously.
JAYLYNN: We're not going to that damn restaurant.
RK: Do you own a restaurant?
JAYLYNN: No, but I...
RK: Then shut up, nobody's eating at your restaurant. You and your cheap bodega food.
SCENE 3
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn is playing with a Rubix cube when she gets a phone call.
JAYLYNN: Hello, I'm working on a cube. Make it snappy.
Cut to Ashley sitting on her living room couch.
ASHLEY: Hi Jaylynn. Didn't know I was interrupting something.
JAYLYNN: What's up, Ashley? Nah, bro, for you, I got time.
ASHLEY: I just wanted to know if you were still coming to my birthday party.
JAYLYNN: Still coming? Ashley, do these lips lie?
ASHLEY: I figured that. Okay, I'll send your invitation over sometime this week. Make sure you bring a good present.
JAYLYNN: Eh, I'll see how lazy I am this year. Talk to you later.
Jaylynn hangs up and continues working on the cube.
JAYLYNN: I can't wait for this party. Sanna's always making sure she goes all out for Ashley. Probably going to have like...little soldiers as ice sculptures and shit. Wait a minute. What date is Ashley's birthday again?
Jaylynn runs to the kitchen and checks the calendar on the wall.
JAYLYNN: Holy shit, the 16th! I can't go to Sparky and Ashley's parties on the same day! Okay, what am I gonna do? Ooh, I got it!
SCENE 4
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The next day, Jaylynn is talking to RK and Wade.
RK: You got invited to Ashley's birthday party too?
JAYLYNN: WHAT PARTY?! Oh, yeah, I did.
RK: Yeah, she called me yesterday and asked if I was coming. I said I had to think about it.
WADE: Same here. This is a huge conflict of interest.
JAYLYNN: Which is why the three of us need to team up and make sure no feelings get hurt. We're going to skip both parties.
RK: What?! Are you on bath salts?!
JAYLYNN: No, you are. And anyway, it's the perfect plan. If we don't go to any party, we're not showing our allegiance to either group.
WADE: What do you mean, showing our allegiance?
JAYLYNN: Alright, I mean me. Sparky's been my main man for years, but I'm the leader of the Masters of the Universe. Ashley's counting on me to be there. After everything I've done to teach those girls about teamwork and unity, the least I could do is show up.
RK: What, you're some kind of demigod now?
JAYLYNN: You're damn right. I'm that girl. I get things started. When I step out the room, everyone else is like, "Jaylynn, where you going? We need your presence. We need your energy that you give us when you're around. We need your Dominican passion."
RK: You mean, half-Dominican passion.
JAYLYNN: Don't split hairs here, I know what I'm talking about.
WADE: Alright, let's make this easier. What was the first party you committed to?
JAYLYNN: Okay, I think it was Ashley. Wait, no, Sparky. No, it was Ashley. But Sparky did say that...then again, I had to...no, but Ashley...Sparky and Ashley. It was Sparkashley.
WADE: Yeah, that helps us a lot.
RK: You know, I'm still going to Sparky's party. I made a vow to get to Home Fries from Outer Space and that's what I'm sticking to.
JAYLYNN: Why do you care so much about this place anyway? I mean, did you not get to go there for your birthday or am I just making that up?
RK: They don't remember that.
WADE: Look, Jaylynn, the fact is, you have to pick a party to go to. If you skip both, you're just going to alienate two people at once.
JAYLYNN: Shit, man. My whole life was spent secretly wanting to be popular. And now that I am, I hate it. This must be how celebrities feel when they make it big.
RK: It's great how important you're making your issues with everything else going on in the world today.
JAYLYNN: Oh, shut up.
SCENE 5
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
After school, Sparky is watching TV when Bitch Clock walks downstairs with a suit and tie. He adjusts his collar, struts towards Sparky, rubs his chin, and clears his throat.
SPARKY: No.
BITCH CLOCK: You didn't even know what I was gonna say!
SPARKY: Of course I did. Every year, you walk up to me in an Armani suit, and try doing some elaborate pitch as to why I should get a stripper cake for my birthday. Then I say no, you curse me out in French, and the same thing happens a year later. I'm just making this easier for you.
BITCH CLOCK: Well, you're going to miss out on the best pitch yet. I got dolphins in a tank in the attic ready to swallow fire and now I'm in the red for ten thousand dollars!
SPARKY: Did you ever think about using these pitches for, I don't know, my actual birthday party?
BITCH CLOCK: I don't think about a lot of things that don't involve getting hammered.
SPARKY: Well, you could keep the dolphins for my party. Who wouldn't want to see them swallow fire?
BITCH CLOCK: You know, that's actually not a bad idea. It's good to have a non-drinker in the house.
SPARKY: I hate the way you say that considering the fact that I bought you from the store. Wait a minute. Won't PETA get offended by you keeping dolphins for cheap entertainment?
BITCH CLOCK: Oh, I don't give a shit about PETA. Once they went after Michael Vick, they became persona non grata. I'm going to see if I can train the dolphins to breathe underwater. Later.
Bitch Clock goes back upstairs when Buster walks in.
SPARKY: Hey Buster. You know, I am so stoked for our birthday drive. I hear it's going to be extra cloudy this year.
BUSTER: Yeah, me too. Um, you know about that, um...you know about that episode of Boy Meets World where Cory has to go to Topanga's Sweet 16 party and a wrestling match on the same night?
SPARKY: Yeah. I always hated that episode.
BUSTER: Well, your life is kinda like that now.
SPARKY: No, it's not. I don't have to be in two places at once.
BUSTER: Not exactly you, but pretty much everyone that's friends with you and Ashley.
SPARKY: Buster, just tell me what's going on here.
BUSTER: Ashley's birthday party is on the same night as yours.
SPARKY: What?! Are you kidding me?! How could she schedule her party on the same day as mine?!
BUSTER: Well, she was born on April 16, so...
SPARKY: I know about the technical aspects of it! Man, what am I gonna do? Ashley's just going to use Sanna's money to throw this big shindig and I'll be lucky if you or Halley show up.
BUSTER: Don't worry, Sparky. I have a master plan that has zero risk.
SPARKY: Okay, what is it?
BUSTER: We use Wade's time machine to go back in time and tell Ashley's parents not to have another kid, keeping her from ever being born.
SPARKY: Or maybe we can just ask Ashley to have her party on Saturday?
BUSTER: Ugh, you never want to do things the cool way.
SCENE 6
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That night, Jaylynn is talking to Anja.
JAYLYNN: I have to figure out what to do here. If I skip Sparky's party, that means everything we've been through over the years have meant nothing. But if I skip Ashley's party, it makes the group and Sanna look bad. I'm stuck.
ANJA: Why did you agree to go to both parties anyway?
JAYLYNN: Because I like to party! Now are you going to help me or just be judgmental like usual?
ANJA: Hey, I am not judgmental, sweetie. Besides, the new and improved Anja actually listens to you. So tell me. Who do you care about more? Sparky or Ashley?
JAYLYNN: Well, Sparky.
ANJA: So there you go. You can go to Sparky's party.
JAYLYNN: But Ashley's still my friend and she's counting on me to be there. I'm like the highlight reel, the main event. When I step out the room, everyone...
ANJA: Okay, stop, stop. I've already heard this speech four times. Why can't you just tell Ashley that you can't let Sparky down and you'll make it up to her? She'll understand. All you gotta do is communicate.
JAYLYNN: I mean, that could work. Why not? By the way, what party are you going to?
ANJA: Oh, Ashley's, of course.
JAYLYNN: What? My man Sparky's party is that night and you're skipping it? What's the matter with you?
ANJA: I'm a lot closer to Ashley. Don't worry, I'll send Sparky a fruit basket or something.
JAYLYNN: Pfft, might as well send Halley a fruit basket while you're at it.
ANJA: What did you just say?
JAYLYNN: Nah, I ain't say nothing, B.
SCENE 7
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster are at their lockers when they see Ashley across the hall.
SPARKY: Alright, there's Ashley. It's time to get a party moved up a day.
BUSTER: Good luck, my brother.
Sparky tugs on his collar and walks towards Ashley.
SPARKY: Hey Ashley. Glad to see you this morning.
ASHLEY: Hey Sparky. Same to you.
SPARKY: You know, I think it's great how we can stand here and talk, just you and me. No pressure whatsoever, you know what I mean?
ASHLEY: Alright, where is this going?
SPARKY: I need you to move your birthday party from Sunday night to Saturday night.
ASHLEY: What? Why?
SPARKY: Because it conflicts with my birthday party which is on Sunday night too.
ASHLEY: You were born on April 16?
SPARKY: What? Yes, I was! How did you forget that? You bought me five pairs of socks from Old Navy last year.
ASHLEY: I'm sorry, my memory goes in and out. But I can't move it. Even if I wanted to, Sanna wouldn't let me.
SPARKY: Well, I can't move mine. I have family coming over.
ASHLEY: Seriously?
SPARKY: No, but if I did, I know they wouldn't want me moving it.
ASHLEY: Too bad for you then. Sanna and I agreed that my party would be on Sunday night, and that's where it's gonna stay.
Ashley walks away from a dejected Sparky and Buster walks up to him.
BUSTER: I sense that things didn't work out, did they?
SPARKY: No, they didn't. Well, since talking didn't work, now it's time for doing. We have to throw a big party. The likes of which no kid has ever seen. If we do that, it will keep everyone from going to Ashley's party.
BUSTER: I thought you didn't want a big party.
SPARKY: I didn't, but this isn't about what I want anymore. This is bigger than me. This is about standing tall against injustice. This is about being rebellious. This is about doing whatever outrageous thing you can to keep the attention of the people.
BUSTER: So like how Family Guy has been for the past nine years?
SPARKY: Oh, that is such an easy target, man.
SCENE 8
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
TSE and Halley are sitting at the table together.
SPARKY: I had to bring you guys together for one of the most important days of our lives: April 16. That's when we go to war against Ashley Rodriguez and her little "party."
HALLEY: Well, this is a Sparky I never get to see.
SPARKY: Oh, he's here now, babe. Ashley woke up the rebellious spirit inside me, and now it's time to fight back. So, guys, who are the agents? Any party hoppers among us?
Beat.
SPARKY: You know, guys who are going to Ashley's party. Guys who are here to pick up intel. They may say they're going to help me celebrate my birthday, but they're really traitors in disguise.
RK: Jaylynn, do you know anything about these party hoppers?
JAYLYNN: Why would I know?
SPARKY: Well, Jaylynn, you are the leader of Ashley and Halley's group. Which begs the question: Are you a party hopper, Halley?
HALLEY: No way. I'm on your side for this one.
SPARKY: I love you. I really do. Now I need everyone to make sure this party is as big as can be.
RK: Funny how you mention that, Sparky, because Wade and I are devoted to stepping our game up and giving you the greatest birthday of all-time. And that has absolutely nothing to do with our desire to go to Home Fries from Outer Space. Nothing at all.
SPARKY: You think I'm stupid, don't you? But it's okay. We need a restaurant like that. What about entertainment?
RK: Well, I know you're a huge Big Time Rush fan, so I'm about to make the biggest move we'll see all week. Just need to call up a little birdie about an important event.
SPARKY: Wait, is he serious? Is he seriously doing this? Is he really about to pull this shit off in front of everyone?
BUSTER: I don't know, I'm scared and confused.
RK is now on the phone.
RK: Yes, hello? Hi, do you work for Epic Records? Okay, well, I would like to speak to L.A. Reid as soon as possible. I know he's busy with his board meetings and his champagne, but if he wants to make easy money, then Big Time Rush will perform at my friend's birthday party on April 16. Yeah? Beat. What do you mean, they broke up?! I thought that was a rumor! Beat. Well, who are they signed to if not you guys? What? I don't know that label. Beat. Ma'am, I don't know who The Lox is, but you're a sicko for making a joke like that. Yeah, screw you!
RK hangs up the phone.
SPARKY: What happened?
RK: I don't want anybody at this table to talk about Epic Records ever again.
SPARKY: I take it that the entertainment is zero.
RK: For now, anyway. But I have other ways. Plenty of other ways.
The camera slowly zooms in on RK begins rubbing his hands together with a goofy smile on his face.
HALLEY: Could you stop doing that?
RK: Why? My hands are dry as hell. I have to moisturize them.
RK smells his hands after rubbing them.
RK: Mmmm. You guys know nothing about Nivea.
SCENE 9
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn whistles "Happy Birthday" by Stevie Wonder as she heads to the bathroom. She closes the door behind her, and then looks up to see Sanna and Ashley staring her down.
JAYLYNN: Okay, what the hell is this nonsense?
ASHLEY: We just wanted to know if we could trust you, Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: I doubt it. It took me a long time to learn how to trust myself. You know, because of self-esteem issues.
SANNA: Well, do you know what Sparky has planned for his birthday? We know how competitive he can get.
JAYLYNN: Nope. Don't know a thing. Zero, zilch, nada vale la pena hablar de.
SANNA: What did she just say?
ASHLEY: I think she just said there's nothing worth talking about. Jaylynn, are you sure you're not keeping anything from us?
JAYLYNN: Of course not. I don't even know what Sparky's planning to eat. But I just want to say that I really don't want to be in the middle of anything so I decided to...
Jaylynn stops momentarily to look at Sanna and Ashley.
JAYLYNN: I decided to just make decisions where I decide what the deciding vote comes down to. Because I'm the decider.
SANNA: We're not following you at all, Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: And that's how it should be. See you guys later.
Jaylynn accidentally bumps into the wall before opening the door, then quickly closes it.
SCENE 10
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That afternoon, Buster, RK, and Wade are watching TV while Sparky is on the phone.
SPARKY: Uh huh? Yeah, party of 25. Yeah, we're going to destroy that restaurant. Not literally, I'm just exaggerating to hype things up. Okay, we'll see you then.
Sparky hangs up.
SPARKY: Alright, guys, we're locked in for Home Fries from Outer Space.
RK: YESSSS, WE MADE IT TO THE MOTHERF***ING PROMISE LAND!
RK gets confused looks from the other kids.
RK: I mean, yay, space restaurant and shit.
WADE: Sparky, are you sure you don't want the party at your house anymore?
SPARKY: Yup. Sanna and Ashley are going to have this big party at home so we have to lure people in with a really dope location.
RK: And I applaud you for that choice, Sparky. There's no better place than Home Fries from Outer Space. It's beautiful, it's magnificent, it's...transcendent.
BUSTER: I still think Chuck E. Cheese's is better.
RK: What kind of old head thinking is that?
SPARKY: Okay, guys, this is it. This is where we decide what entertainment we're going to have. What do you got?
BUSTER: Well, I actually tweeted Kendall to see if Big Time Rush could perform.
SPARKY: And what did he say?
BUSTER: I don't know. But someone mentioned Nickelodeon to him five hours ago and he cursed them out so...things aren't looking good.
SPARKY: Okay. Do either of you have anything right now?
RK: Nope. But I listened to that Lox skit the lady was talking about. I still don't think the joke was funny.
WADE: I don't think we need entertainment anyway since we're going out for our party. Besides, it's not like it's we're renting out the joint.
SPARKY: Damn, you're right. I don't know what to tell Bitch Clock then. He's going to be crushed. Beat. Well, you have to crack a few eggs to bake a cake. He'll understand.
Cut to Sparky talking to Bitch Clock in the attic.
SPARKY: Yeah, so it turns out we won't need the dolphins or the one-eyed clowns or the world's largest soda bong. We're going out to eat.
BITCH CLOCK: You little...tu es une petite merde sale, merde, me cogne, baise toi-même et tout ce que tu dis, ce n'est pas un bon f***er. F*** YOU!
SCENE 11
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The day of Sparky's party, the guys are getting ready in the mirror. Sparky is nowhere to be found while Buster, RK, Wade, and Jaylynn are in the living room.
WADE: This is going to be a great dinner.
RK: You're telling me. We made it to Home Fries from Outer Space. We're the lucky ones. We're blessed. We're proud, humble Americans.
WADE: Ehhh...
RK: Okay, maybe just humble people.
BUSTER: I can't wait to see the birthday cake. For Sparky's sake, I hope he does a better job blowing out the candles than I did last year.
Cut to a flashback of July 7, 2016, where everyone is finishing up singing "Happy Birthday to You."
KIDS: Yay!
SPARKY: Make a wish and blow out the candles!
Buster makes his wish and then attempts to blow out the candles, but fails to.
RK: Dude, what the hell is going on? Is this a joke?
SPARKY: You're putting too much energy into it. Just blow.
BUSTER: I know how to blow.
Buster continues to fail to blow out the candles.
JAYLYNN: I have to be in another dimension right now.
WADE: You seriously don't know how to blow out a candle?
ANNA: I can't watch this.
SPARKY: You're using way too much energy to do a simple thing.
RK: Okay, now you're just spitting on the cake. I'm not eating that part. Nobody give me that part, he's eating it.
JAYLYNN: Buster, you have to...
Buster uses a paper towel to remove the flames.
BUSTER: THERE! YOU SEE THAT?! YOU ALL SEE THAT?! THE FIRE'S GONE NOW! NOW WE CAN EAT BIRTHDAY CAKE, DAMMIT!
Cut to the present day.
RK: I still have no idea why it was so hard for you to blow out two candles.
BUSTER: They were fake! Somebody planted them there to sabotage me!
WADE: But the same thing happened the year before that.
BUSTER: I had a bad knee.
JAYLYNN: Okay, guys, I figured out what I'm going to do about this two parties thing.
WADE: You're just now deciding what to do?
JAYLYNN: I had some bugs to work out. Plus, I forgot. So anyway, here's the plan. How can I go to both parties while not having to be in two places at once?
BUSTER: I don't know, how?
JAYLYNN: By going to both parties on the same night.
RK: The f***?
JAYLYNN: Look, I'm going to go to Sparky's party for an hour and a half. Then I'm going to fake being sick and pretend to go home but I'm really going to be at Ashley's party for the rest of the night. No one gets hurt, and I'm there for both of my friends.
WADE: Okay, but what if Ashley or someone else calls and asks why you aren't there?
JAYLYNN: Well, right now, I'm going to block every one of those numbers so they can't call and won't know what's going on. And when I'm going to Ashley's party, I'm blocking your numbers because I don't need you meddling kids getting in the way of my plan.
RK: Well, we can always just tell Sparky what happened since you were stupid enough to reveal your whole plan to us like some cartoon supervillain.
JAYLYNN: No, because I know what I have to do to keep your lips zipped. It involves exposing your internal organs to daylight.
RK: Hey, you don't have to worry about me.
JAYLYNN: Of course not. Because when it comes to keeping secrets, there's only one person we all have to worry about.
Jaylynn, RK, and Wade all stare at Buster.
BUSTER: Why are you all talking about me like I'm not here? And I can keep secrets.
RK: No, you can't. Whenever you know something you're supposed to keep to yourself, you end up singing like Whitney Houston.
BUSTER: You know I can't sing. Besides, you're just thinking about the bad times. I mean, I never told you guys that Miley Stewart was Hannah Montana.
WADE: Buster, everybody knew that. That was the whole damn premise of the series!
BUSTER: Okay, but I never told anyone you had a clone. That's something.
WADE: He's right. That is something.
JAYLYNN: Well, Buster, as a friend, I really want you to keep this to yourself. Okay?
BUSTER: Okay, Jaylynn. I won't let you down.
JAYLYNN: Thank you.
BUSTER: Wait, Jaylynn, what's your plan tonight?
JAYLYNN: I already told...oh, I see where you're going with this.
RK: Trust me, he's not pretending to not know anything.
SCENE 12
Home Fries from Outer Space
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Sparky's car pulls up at the restaurant.
BUSTER: This place is cool and all, but we should have went to Morton's. Now that's a party place.
WADE: What are you talking about? There's no restaurant in Seattle called Morton's.
BUSTER: Oh, right. Sorry, I was thinking of The Bernie Mac Show.
WADE: I'm starting to think you and RK watch way too much TV.
SPARKY: You know, I think half the fourth grade class is going to be here, even Manny and Will. Honestly, guys, I'm just happy to be with you on this day. This most special of days. I'm blessed to have friends like you in my life.
BUSTER: You big softie, you.
JAYLYNN: Let's have a group hug and preserve this moment.
The kids all come together and have a group hug.
RK: Now let's have the greatest birthday dinner of all-time.
Sparky leads the kids towards the door when they see an employee locking up.
SPARKY: Excuse me, what's going on here?
EMPLOYEE: Well, unfortunately, the restaurant suffered from a horrible gas leak an hour ago. We had to close down for the night.
Beat.
SPARKY: I hate my life and everything about it.
BUSTER: How did this place get a gas leak?! We're here for the biggest birthday party of the year!
EMPLOYEE: Well, it just happened. Everybody was panicking, kids running around all scared and whatnot. Six people almost died from inhaling toxic fumes.
RK: That's sad, but that doesn't help me shove home fries down my throat while high fiving a fake astronaut!
SPARKY: So we really have no choice but to go somewhere else?
EMPLOYEE: Sorry, kid. But happy birthday anyway.
SPARKY: Happy birthday? How did you know this party was for me?
EMPLOYEE: I overheard your voice on the phone when you called. Everyone kept saying you sounded like Alex Mack but I didn't think so.
SPARKY: They're all wrong. Everyone who says I sound like her is an idiot.
The employee walks towards his car while Sparky sighs.
SPARKY: I can't believe we have to move the party back to my place. I'm gonna have to tell everyone on Facebook, then see if Bitch Clock can get those water-breathing dolphins back.
BUSTER: This is God punishing us for not going to the Easter egg hunt.
SPARKY: Pardon me a minute. I need to make a call.
Sparky moves to the side to make his call.
RK: Hey, guys, could we have a group chat?
BUSTER: Why? We're all here.
RK: Just come over here.
Buster walks over to RK, Wade, and Jaylynn.
BUSTER: What are you guys planning? You better not be trying to kill Sparky.
RK: Why would we plan something like that?
BUSTER: I don't know. You're insane? You're going mad because you can't eat at the restaurant. You'll do anything for a sick thrill.
WADE: Relax, we're not planning to kill Sparky. But we might try...party hopping.
BUSTER: Are you serious? We can't abandon Sparky on his birthday. That's mutiny!
RK: Look, at this point, Sparky's party is a bust. My dream was crushed tonight and I'm not about to go to a party of lesser importance! I have standards, man!
WADE: Honestly, Buster, I'm just surprised you know what mutiny means.
JAYLYNN: You guys can do whatever you want. But for me, I'm about to have an episode.
RK: We've all had episodes, Jaylynn. What makes yours any more special?
JAYLYNN: No, not that kind of episode. Just watch.
Jaylynn screams and falls to her knees.
JAYLYNN: Oh my God, I'm having an episode!
RK: You're making it really obvious what you're doing.
JAYLYNN: Sparky, I have to go home. I'm having some stomach problems and I don't want to ruin your party for you.
SPARKY: No, it's okay, man. I'll drive you there. Come on, guys.
BUSTER: Sparky, what are we going to do? Most of the people we invited will just end up going to Ashley's party. They might even be people we're really close to.
RK: You little bastard, how dare you?
SPARKY: Don't worry, the night's not over yet. We'll just move the birthday to my house, get Bitch Clock's dolphins and see what else we can salvage. Does everyone know what it says in the emergency plan in case we can't eat out?
Beat.
SPARKY: Guys, I wrote a five-page emergency birthday plan on Wednesday and emailed it to all of you. Are you kidding me?
RK: I don't really check my email no more.
WADE: I got to page two but I ended up working on my teleporter.
BUSTER: I have an email?
SPARKY: Oh God. Okay, let's just drive Jaylynn home and get ready for the guests to arrive. We can do this!
SCENE 13
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky helps Jaylynn into her house and lays her down on the couch.
JAYLYNN: Oh yeah, that's good.
SPARKY: Jaylynn, are you sure you're gonna be okay? I mean, it sucks that you have to miss a whole night of partying.
JAYLYNN: No, it's okay. With stomach problems, you never know. But I just want you to have a happy birthday.
SPARKY: Thanks, man. Seriously, I hope you get better. I'll see you later.
Sparky leaves the house and goes back to his car.
BUSTER: We should go to Baskin Robbins. Can we go to Baskin Robbins?
Beat.
BUSTER: Okay, nobody cares about what Buster wants. That's perfectly fine.
SPARKY: I'm sorry, Buster, did you say something?
BUSTER: No, the air did. What you just heard was the wind.
Jaylynn looks through the window to see if Sparky's car has left.
JAYLYNN: Come on, dammit. When are you guys heading out?
At that point, Jaylynn gets a call from Ashley.
JAYLYNN: Shit, it's Ashley. Hello?
ASHLEY: Are you still coming?
JAYLYNN: YES, I'M STILL COMING! GEEZ, COULD YOU KEEP IT DOWN?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT TIME IT IS?!
ASHLEY: Excuse me?
Jaylynn hangs up the call.
JAYLYNN: That should keep me left alone until I get there. Wow, I've learned a lot from RK about how to confuse people.
SCENE 14
The Qureshi Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
("Don't" by Bryson Tiller plays in the background)
Sanna's house is filled with a bunch of kids either talking or dancing. The living room has been converted into a large dance floor, and there are ice sculptures of Ashley in various forms: Ashley as a quarterback, Ashley as a war general, and Ashley as Eminem in the early 2000s. Ashley looks at the ice sculptures with confusion and walks up to Sanna.
SANNA: Yeah, so anyway, I was saying something then she got mad by the thing that I said.
ASHLEY: Sanna, we need to talk.
SANNA: Hey there, birthday girl. This is a really dope party, eh?
ASHLEY: Kinda. But I barely recognize the people here. And I never signed off on these ice sculptures either.
SANNA: I don't even remember signing off on them. All I know is that someone brought them here so I must have ordered them. You think...you think I'm too stupid to remember?
ASHLEY: Sanna, I'm serious about this.
SANNA: Trust me, I am too. I don't like feeling like an idiot, but this is probably a bigger deal than we think it is.
ASHLEY: Yeah, great talk.
SANNA: Alright. Wait, what was that thing I was talking about before? Oh yeah, right, guys, I never told you about what I said because of that thing the other girl said.
Jaylynn rings the doorbell and Ashley opens it.
JAYLYNN: Hey.
ASHLEY: You know, I should close the door on you. What was with you on the phone talking to me like that?
JAYLYNN: Sorry, I was actually responding to this loud noise outside. It was giving me a headache.
ASHLEY: Oh. Well, come on in. Hopefully, you have more fun than I have.
JAYLYNN: But it's your birthday. How are you not having fun?
ASHLEY: It might be my birthday, but it's not my party. It feels a lot more like Sanna's party. I didn't even want a big show like this, but we couldn't let Sparky steal all our guests.
JAYLYNN: Well, maybe that was the problem. It shouldn't be about having the better party. It should be about having fun.
ASHLEY: You sound like a cliché.
JAYLYNN: I really wasn't trying to.
ASHLEY: But you're right. I can't talk to Sanna about it though. Sometimes, it feels like her head's in a different place.
JAYLYNN: I know what you mean. But the time for talking's over. Now it's time for doing. We're going to ruin this party.
ASHLEY: I would love to, but how?
JAYLYNN: Don't worry about that. I have something up my sleeve. This is going to be a Jaylynn Hernandez signature moment.
Cut to RK screaming in the car.
SPARKY: RK, what the hell is it?!
RK: I feel something's wrong. Jaylynn used my trademark, I know she did!
WADE: Your trademark?
BUSTER: RK, why do you have to be so strange?
RK: I'm serious, man. I don't know where Jaylynn is, but when I see her, she's dog meat.
SPARKY: Could you guys stop with this nonsense? The night's still young, this is not the time to worry about miscellaneous bullcrap.
BUSTER: Where's Halley? I thought she was going to be the first one to show up.
SPARKY: She had car trouble, but she's coming. In the meantime, we have to get the party started on our own. Bitch Clock better have those dolphins ready.
Cut to Bitch Clock looking at the dolphins in the attic.
BITCH CLOCK: I really need to open a business. But I don't think they allow people with records to own them.
The boys run into the attic.
SPARKY: Bitch Clock, could we still use the fire-swallowing dolphins?
BITCH CLOCK: What? Oh, you are absolutely ridiculous. Now that your party has taken a turn for the worse, you want me to come in on some Superman shit and save the day? No freaking way.
SPARKY: How did you know that my birthday's gone awry?
BITCH CLOCK: Ten years ago, on my birthday, I was obsessed with morphine and would do anything to get it. I ended up OD'ing inside an Arby's dumpster and my friends had to get me entirely new batteries. Horrible day.
RK: I don't think what you just said relates to our situation.
BITCH CLOCK: I'm buzzed right now, I'm just on the verge of using incoherent gibberish. Beef Wellington.
SPARKY: So can you help us or not? I mean, the ten thousand dollars still isn't going to waste.
BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, you're right. I mean, I have the opportunity to entertain a couple snot nosed kids, why not? By the way, I tried making them breathe underwater but they can't.
WADE: That's scientifically impossible.
BUSTER: Wait a minute. You guys never told me dolphins couldn't breathe underwater. How the f*** are they alive then?
SCENE 15
The Qureshi Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Later that night, Jaylynn walks up to Ashley with something in her hand.
ASHLEY: I really hope this works.
JAYLYNN: Relax, it's perfect. Now I use the rope I found in the coat room to tie Sanna up, make people think there's a robber, and everybody will run away.
ASHLEY: That's not what we agreed on!
JAYLYNN: I'm joking, I'm joking, bro. Man, you're so stiff. Calm down, give yourself a massage every once in a while. Where's the bullhorn?
ASHLEY: Under the table.
Jaylynn goes under the snack table, takes out a bullhorn, and turns it on.
JAYLYNN: Attention, everybody! Attention! This birthday party has to officially shut down!
WILL: Why?
JAYLYNN: Because there's reason to suspect that there are mouse droppings all over the floors. They're not clean and chances are, your shoes have stepped in most of them so you need to evacuate now.
MANNY: And go where, ese vato?
JAYLYNN: Um...Sparky's house! He's having a big birthday blowout with dolphins that can swallow fire!
There is excited murmuring amongst the kids.
JAYLYNN: Now, if you all will just kindly make your way towards the exit, it will...
WILL: LET'S GO SEE THOSE DOLPHINS!
The kids all run towards the door as quickly as possible, leaving behind Jaylynn, Ashley, Anja, and Sanna.
JAYLYNN: Wow, I thought we were going to get seriously hurt.
SANNA: You are.
Sanna slaps Jaylynn in the back of her head.
JAYLYNN: Ow! I'll beat your ass right now, what's wrong with you?
SANNA: What's wrong with you?! You literally made everyone leave for no reason!
ANJA: I'm still here.
SANNA: Anja?! How long have you been here?!
ANJA: For the whole party. I just drifted into the background and didn't talk much.
SANNA: You have a lot of explaining to do trying to embarrass Ashley like that, Jaylynn. Did Sparky pay you to do this?
ASHLEY: The only person who embarrassed me tonight is you, Sanna!
SANNA: Wait, what?
ANJA: Oh, it's on now.
ASHLEY: Jaylynn was just trying to help. I told you over and over that I didn't want a big party but you didn't listen to me. I wasn't trying to compete against Sparky. You were.
SANNA: Holy shit. You're right, Ashley. I guess I got so wrapped up in trying to have a flashy party, I didn't think about what you wanted. I'm sorry for hurting you, sis.
ASHLEY: I mean, you didn't hurt me. I just got...
SANNA: No, I don't want to hear it. I was wrong for what I did and I should have given you what you wanted the whole time. Here you go.
Sanna hands Ashley a gift card.
ASHLEY: A gift card?
SANNA: Yeah, it's from H&M. I know how much you love shopping there, so I got you one that's good for $150. Happy birthday Ashley.
ASHLEY: Thanks Sanna. This is great!
JAYLYNN: Sanna, how much money did you even spend on this party?
SANNA: That's not important. Just know that my paper's longer than a Harry Potter book.
Beat.
ANJA: Are we going to Sparky's party or not?
SCENE 16
The MacDougal Household
Interior Attic
Seattle, Washington
There are a bunch of kids inside Bitch Clock's man cave to see the dolphins do special tricks and swallow torches whole. At one point, it looks like one of the dolphins is dying from the performance, but rises up one more time. The kids start clapping as a drunk Bitch Clock sets his 40-ounce bottle down.
BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, that's right, you motherf***ers! Everybody bow down to the DOLPHINS, HAHAHA! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SPARKY, YOU STUPID WHITE GUY! HEHEHEHE!
Bitch Clock collapses at that point.
BUSTER: So Sparky, are you gonna have to deal with dolphin noises all night?
SPARKY: No. There's a guy coming here at two in the morning to pick them up. Bitch Clock didn't tell me anything after that.
RK: Hey, I have an idea. This night was a little stressful for all of us. How about we go to the water park tomorrow morning?
WADE: That's not a bad idea. We could spend the whole day there and besides, there's no school anyway.
SANNA: I want to do that. But only if Ashley wants to do it too.
ASHLEY: Yeah, that would be a lot of fun.
SANNA: Yeah, why not?
SPARKY: Okay, we have plans for tomorrow.
SANNA: Hey Sparky, I'm sorry for trying to make sure Ashley's party was better than yours. You won, by the way.
SPARKY: Well, thanks. I only competed because you two were but I guess at the end of the day, neither of us had the perfect party. I mean, the restaurant I wanted to go to had to shut down for the night.
RK: Great, now everybody knows.
JAYLYNN: And I'm sorry too. I was just trying to come to both of your parties but it didn't work out. I'm a real crappy friend.
ASHLEY: What are you talking about? You did make it to both of our parties.
JAYLYNN: I did? You're right, I did! I actually did what I wanted to do, and no one got hurt.
SPARKY: Then again, you did lie about being sick.
JAYLYNN: Hey, you know how episodes are.
BUSTER: I'm just glad everything worked out and both Sparky and Ashley had a great birthday. Wait a minute. Where's Halley?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, I haven't heard from her all night.
SPARKY: She said she was coming soon. Her car's been acting up all night, she was stuck at a service station for at least an hour.
Cut to Halley walking into the living room at that point, panting as she tries to catch her breath.
HALLEY: I made it! Nobody cut the cake...until I give the birthday boy some love!
Halley stops panting and realizes that no one is in the living room.
HALLEY: I hitchhiked with a guy who sells month-old strawberries for THIS?!
Cut to black.
("This Is How We Do It" by Montell Jordan plays in the end credits)
©2017 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS