Wishing I Didn't Love You
Written by WickedSong
Disclaimer/Note : I do not own Glee, FOX does. This follows on from 'The Hardest Goodbye' and 'Do I Ever Cross Your Mind', while it also precedes, 'You Are The Reason For The Words 'What If', 'Dedication', 'A Very Glee Anniversary' and 'A Child's Intuition.' If you feel like they'll give you a better grasp on the story be my guest and read them :) The song is 'Wishing' by Sugarland, from their album 'Love On The Inside.'
"Okay guys, let's settle down, we've got a lot of work to do for Sectionals."
Mr. Schue walked into the choir room to find the class in buzzed chatter, obviously anticipating the nearing compeition with excitement. He looked around the room, at all the members, new and old, confident that the team would bring home the trophy for the third consecutive year, especially due to the new blend of voices they had gained, with the freshmen who had joined, along with transfer students. Proving that they were something and going to Nationals in New York had benefited the club, even if they hadn't won.
That didn't mean they could become complacent, however. They had always worked best for Sectionals when some element of prior compeition or challenge had been involved. This is where his latest idea came from.
"Of course, Mr. Schue. What song have you chosen for my show stopping and tear jerking ballad this year?" Rachel asked, looking completely interested in the selection of the songs and performers for Sectionals.
Everyone else just rolled their eyes or sighed at the question. They had long learned that fighting with Rachel over solos was only futile and that they would be better to let the teacher deal with her sometimes overbearing way of doing things. It wasn't like they could deny that her drive was one of the reasons the club was still standing.
Even if it was one of the most annoying aspects of her personality.
"Well, Rach, I'm thinking we're going to shake things up a bit."
A mass groan was heard around the class.
"What is this time? Boys versus girls, duets where everyone votes for themselves?" Kurt deadpanned, as he shared a quick look with Mercedes who nodded her head in agreement, while she quietly explained to her boyfriend, Shane, a new member of the club what Mr. Schue and his times of 'shaking things up' usually meant.
"Actually no," the teacher replied, going over to the whiteboard and doing as he had almost every week since the conception of the club, wrote a word on it. Genre. "We all know what a genre is. We all know what our preferred genre is. I suggest that to shake things up this week we have everyone perform something way out of their comfort zone. The more versatile you all are, the more chance we have for competition. So I would say take some time to think about it and could everyone have something ready for at least Wednesday?"
He turned to the piano to sort out some paper, and some of the members went up to ask his advice on what types of genres they should try. Everyone else remained seated, turning to their own conversations.
"So what are you going to sing for the assignment?" Shane asked Mercedes, over the phone later that evening.
Mercedes lay on her bed, pondering the question silently. "Hmm, I don't know yet. I know whatever I do will sound good but it's a hard one. What about you?"
"I honestly don't know." He sighed over the phone. "Anyway I'd better go now. Talk to you tomorrow. Love you."
"Love you too. Bye," Mercedes said, ending the call. She placed the phone onto her dresser and then walked over to her vast collection of CDs. They were mostly full of the type of music she would be expected to sing but she hoped there was a gem of a song in there that no one would see her belting out in front of the members of the glee club.
She looked through, album after album, until she stopped at not one of her own but a burned CD, one that she had been given at the start of the summer.
"What's this?" she asked Sam, as he handed her the case.
"Ten of the best country songs you will ever hear," he replied, smartly, smiling at her and her confused look. "Well, I guess maybe not the best. More like the best ten I could find from everyone else. Oh, and if they ask, you're thinking about doing something country when we go back to school and I'm helping because I'm from Nashville, which is kinda stupid because it's not like all of us love that music." He gave her a grin. "But at least it means we can hang out without them being suspicious."
She grinned back and nodded her head. "Yeah." She looked down back at the CD in her hands. "Is this because I said country sucked though?" she asked carefully, opening the case to find a piece of paper with the names of the songs on it.
"Well, it doesn't. It can be really good, you know?" Sam told her. "Just listen to it, ok? I promise if you don't like it, then I'll...stop doing impressions for a week."
She laughed happily at this, slapping him playfully on the shoulder as they continued on their walk round the local park, Stacy and Stevie running ahead in front of them. "Well then I'd better like it, 'cause you know I love your impressions."
"Of course you do," Sam replied and for the duration of the walk proved this fact right by doing some of his best ones, including James Earl Jones, Darth Vader and Taylor Lautner, all to the laughter of firstly Mercedes and then to his younger siblings as they walked closer to the young couple.
Mercedes smiled fondly at the memories, feeling tears prickle at the back of her eyes. Opening the case the small piece of paper fluttered out and landed on the floor. She picked it up and looked at the song choices and suddenly she was faced with an idea. Looking down the listing she stopped on the one she had listened to that night and kind of liked; one of the only ones on the disc she actually liked.
The rest she had pretended to like because she really did like Sam's impressions and she was scared he wouldn't do any in front of her, even though she knew he was joking that day.
Sam.
She hadn't really thought about him since he had left early on in the summer.
And by that she meant that she had periodically thought about him.
And again by that she meant that he had clouded her thoughts more than once when she was with Shane.
She sighed. She thought she was over him. She honestly did. But the fact that Mr. Schue had assigned this task, she had found this CD, she had found this song, it all seemed to add up to her thinking about him.
And she couldn't let that happen either.
Laying back on her bed, she gently hummed the tune of that song to herself, already thinking about how she could sing it without awkward questions from the rest of the group.
On Monday afternoon, after everyone had went home following glee rehearsal, Mercedes slipped into the auditorium, sheet music in hand and she found Brad, who had always silently accompanied them through their songs of triumph, heartache, comedy, sitting at the piano. She passed him the music nervously but as always he just smiled and nodded.
Maybe he knew more than they thought. Maybe he was the most observant person in the New Directions.
Brad began playing gently and Mercedes sang, equally as gently, knowing for this song she would have to rein in her powerhouse vocals for the sweeter, more sedate parts.
"Sometimes it's a pair of old faded denim I know, is gonna fit me like a friend, or some radio song you can't help but sing along, wishing they'd spin it over and over again."
She thought of that line with a particular sadness. One day during the summer, she and Rachel had been in a music store, waiting for Kurt to finish buying whatever it was he was getting. She hadn't really been paying attention to them, if she was being honest. Her head was still in a jumble as it had only been a couple of days since Sam had left.
Luckily that hadn't came up yet though and so she could stay in her own thoughts. She was brought out of them, however, by Rachel nudging her elbow and telling her to listen to the song.
"Remember when Sam sang this in glee and all the girls went crazy for it?"
Mercedes had never thought Baby by Justin Bieber would be the song that made her want to cry but she found herself holding back tears as she stood in the music store, wishing they would get out of there quickly before the tears began.
"Anything that brings a little more comfort my way. But sometimes there's those times, it's gotta be you. I keep telling myself I'm moving on but I'm stumbling, believing my heart was strong enough but now I'm wondering. Every step I take that leads me away just circles back to your door, wishing I didn't love you anymore."
Did she love Sam? She was beginning to, definitely. She could always feel her heartbeat pick up, her palms become sweaty when he was around. She would long to hear his voice, she would sit around and listen to his impressions and she could laugh for hours at them and his jokes. They'd discuss sci-fi and even though she didn't get all of it, she would do so because of the way his eyes would light up and he'd become so happy and animated for that time.
Was that love? She said she loved Shane when they had been talking on the phone. But did she feel any of the feelings she'd felt for Sam.
She wasn't sure.
"I've tried turning to, the arms of someone new, but I can't seem to fool this fool, I've seen closing times with every bottle dry and I've seen days alone in my own room."
Was Shane a rebound? She liked him but she had only went out with him on the insistence of Kurt. Then they had got on spectacularly. He had made her laugh, just as Sam had in their short time. It was then that she realised how much she had holed herself away and she vowed she wouldn't do it anymore. Though she was sure that sometimes Kurt would notice her mood drop, and then Shane would also ask what was going on in her mind, what she was thinking about.
She would always lie, just say she was tired. It was easier than the alternative.
She shook her head, singing as she closed her eyes and thought about the times with Sam and then the times with Shane. Was she fooling anybody with this act? Did anyone know what was really going on underneath the new boyfriend and the confidence she always carried that never failed her?
"I keep telling myself I'm moving on but I'm stumbling, believing my heart was strong enough but now I'm wondering. Every step I take that leads me away just circles back to your door, wishing I didn't love you anymore."
She sometimes went to the motel. Not inside obviously. Some new family, or person were now in that room, where Sam and his family had to take refuge once things had become hard for them.
But she would stand outside sometimes, wishing that he would walk out of the door, and his hair would be a damn mess and he'd be holding Stacy's hand while Stevie came rushing up to her, excitedly, telling her about something. The four would then go to the park and when the day was over, she would stand outside the motel room door, and give him a quick kiss goodbye. She remembered vividly how good a kisser he was.
"I've done everything I can to forget, if there is a way, I ain't found it yet."
Mercedes belted out that part of the song, finding her strength in the genre she thought would cause her the most problems but seemed to be the one she related to the most. The song was so relevant, too relevant.
She quickly wiped her eyes, and swept her eyes over the empty auditorium. Would this song be the best if she didn't want anyone to know about herself and Sam? Probably not.
She shook her head. She wouldn't sing this song. With the emotion she was showing just rehearsing it, even Finn would figure out something was amiss.
She listened Brad play the last notes on his piano and finished, simple and understated, all the while thinking of that blonde haired boy all the way back in Tennessee.
"Wishing I didn't love you, what I'd give if I could touch you, wishing I didn't love you anymore."
This was emotionally draining. I got this Sugarland album last weekend and I think this song is so damn relevant to Samcedes and how I wish their break up would be portrayed. Unfortunately I doubt this would happen on the show. Not all the lyrics were used, just the ones I found I could work with but I think I did a good job on this one. I like it anyway, even if it is really sad, maybe more so than my others.
Anyway, hope you enjoyed,
WickedSong xx
P.S. For those of you who have read all my other oneshots and my twoshot, do you have any overall titles for this angsty arc as a whole. It includes all the stories mentioned at the top, plus others which aren't directly related. Any ideas please tell me. I need a title to keep it all together! Haha :)