Confessions
By Sharnay
I hope you will enjoy this. It was a little bit of a spur of the moment sort of deal, but it is good none the less, or at least, that is what I would like to believe.
Enjoy~
~~~~~
It had been terrible, the whole night a complete ruin. He should have known better than to follow after her, than to pry into her emotions. He should have known it would only turn out this way.
She had made it so hard for him to not do just that, though...
Everyone had been gathered together, a secret ploy of Keiko's to make her friend feel better, but it just failed. She knew all along why they gathered that night. She knew that they were all just trying to show their sympathy for her and to help move on themselves. Little did she know that they had needed that night together just as much as she had.
To lose a partner like that - some one who had always been such a good friend and who, on more than one occasion, had been more than willing to risk his life for the sake of everyone else's - it was something that wasn't going to be easy to handle. Especially for her. Especially being so close...
It was a bond that Kurama really didn't understand. He knew he never would, either. It was just his luck. It had just been he and his mother. He never had any brothers or sisters. He knew that he could never fully understand her tourment. He only wished that he could. He only wished that he could heal it, to make it all go away and allow her to smile again.
Genkai's temple: it had been an appropriate enough place to hold the gathering. It was a place they had all deemed as sanctuary, a place they all felt at ease in. The downfall to this was that there were so many darn rooms and far too much land around the building she could have run to.
Kurama sighed and slid the door that led to the outdoors open. He only hoped she was out there, only hoped that she was safe. He hated the idea of her hurting somewhere all alone with no one to condole her. It worried him and only made him seek her with more desire.
The air was heavy with the smell of the rain earlier that day, the grass damp as he stepped out onto the lush green. Stars twinkled out from behind dwindling rain clouds, framing the sliver of moon in a strange but beautiful aura. How it could be so lovely out when everything around him was so dismal and grey he just could not make sense of.
His footsteps came silently, unheard amongst the sound of peepers and other regular nocturnal life. He could hear the stream flowing nearby and somehow knew that would be the right place to find her. It just seemed to fit.
Kurama's nerves were beginning to get the better of him though as he began his tiny venture to the small parting in the trees that allowed the cold water to burble through. He knew why he was nervous, but it didn't help the matter any. He was afraid that she would just leave like she had before, leave with a few shouts and a hurt glance. He didn't want to see that again. He didn't want to see her suffering in silence anymore.
Sure enough, when he pulled a few tree branches back and walked by them, he found her. She was crouched over on her knees near the water, her brown locks of hair fallen like a curtain over her features. It was almost better that Kurama didn't have to see the look on her generally complacent face. It would hurt him too much.
He took a hesitant step forward, and then quickly withdrew it, drawing back into the safety of the tree branches to hide him from view. He could feel his heart throbbing in his ears and his stomach fluttered as if it were really full of hundreds of butterflies. He shouldn't be this nervous or this scared to approach some one who was a friend to him. She needed some one to be there for her, relentless of what she tried to make the others think.
The half-demon felt his heart sink well past his stomach when he heard her pained whispers, her angry rants at the sky. He remembered being there when she found out the news. He and the remainder of the Rekai Tentai were the ones to break the brunt of this terrible event to her. Kurama had never remembered seeing her so angry, so torn or heartbroken. Not even during the Dark Tournament when the man she tried to hide her feelings for had been killed off had she emitted so much emotion. She had merely stared blankly on ahead, totally removed of the experience. This time though... it was different.
Kurama wanted to go to her then, to hold her and make things better for her, but he couldn't do such a thing. She shared no such feelings for the kitsune, though he had never rightly expressed his own to her in anticipation of a similar reply. Now was not the time, not the place. It had the probability of bringing on even more pain and confusion that was not needed during such a time of extreme emotional duress.
Another thought hit him full force at that moment. He realized that he didn't know how to help her. He himself was still working on getting over this loss. How was one grieving soul to revive and give hope to another even more despaired one? How was one so blinded by his own pain to help clear the eyes of another who was so past the point of his own grief that he couldn't begin to understand what she had ultimately lost? More importantly, how was he to help a friend that would be nothing but dead to the world if some one was not to intervene quickly?
He took another, frightened step back and dropped his head into his hands. He shouldn't be this cowardly. He shouldn't be this wimpy. Nothing like this had ever held him back before from doing what had to be done. The current conditions should not be holding him back now from the things here that needed to be tended to. He was being a fool.
After a decent amount of time and nerves had passed, the crimson-haired teen worked up his will and stepped through the trees. He looked over to where she had been before to find her lying in silence. Of all the luck in the world, Kurama had missed it so far that evening. She had fallen asleep. Immediately he decided that he was not going to leave her there alone. Never mind the emotional immorality of it, but it was dangerous and right now, he did not feel he could risk anymore losses or hardships on top of all this. He didn't exactly want to be there either when she finally woke up. Somehow he got the feeling that it would not be the most pleasant nor comfortable of meetings between the two.
He crouched down beside her for a moment and watched her. She did not rest peacefully. Her face was still swollen with unshed tears and somehow he got the feeling that nightmares would plague her mind if they had not already set in during this early stage of sleep. A certain, dull edged pain began to well up in his chest while he looked at her, while he thought about her, and he decided hastily that he was going to bring her inside before he allowed himself to ponder on this matter any further.
So with a gentle grasp, he carried her back through the rain scented air under the pale glow of the stars and moon above and brought her into the warmth and protection of the temple. It was quiet as he went without a sound through the halls. He had seen the girls all huddled together in a little group, sound asleep. They had more than likely cried themselves to that point of exhaustion such as the young woman in his arms. His other companions were no where to be seen, though he could guarantee that they were together. No one wanted to be alone that evening. No matter what she said, she was no exception.
Kurama found a room suitable enough for her to reside in without much of a problem. After making sure she had been covered by a blanket, he made his way for the door. Something tugged at him though, something that would not go away and only left him with a feeling of guilt. He didn't want to leave her.
He turned and looked at her. Lying there with the blanket already clutched in her fists near her face, she looked so innocent, so childlike in her helplessness. He saw her in a way he had never seen the strong, dominate young lady before. He saw the vulnerability, the fear and the confusion. He saw every reason he needed to stay, even if it was only for a while longer.
He drew a chair quietly up to her bedside and rested himself in it, soon resting his gaze upon her pained face. A certain amount of hurt welled up within him again. Even in her sleep she felt the anguish, the suffers of this terrible loss. He wanted to make everything better for her. He wanted to erase time and go back to rewrite it all, all for the sake of her happiness. All for the sake of everyone's happiness and the sake of the life that was lost for them.
Before he even knew what he was doing, soft, nearly inaudible whispers emitted from his lips, magnified in the silence of the darkness. Words he needed to purge from his soul, words that, if not released, would bring him down and everyone else along with him.
"I don't know how to help you. I lost a friend in the passing day, just as you lost a brother. I couldn't ever understand that, Shizuru. I couldn't ever understand the bond, the closeness you shared with him. I can't imagine how you felt while he was in the living just as I cannot imagine how you feel now... Now that he is gone...
"I know that I miss him. I know that without Kazuma, the Rekai Tentai will never be as powerful nor will its usefulness match what it has been on past occasions. We lost an important asset, one that can never be replaced, one that we would never feel right replacing, to be correct..."
He paused, feeling dumb, but feeling the reward of letting it all pass out of him almost immediately. He knew he could never say any of this to her face, not during this time of grief. He knew that he would probably be so hurt himself that he would wait until months had passed by, and by that point, the words would not be needed as severely as they were now. So, in the silence, he continued.
"It hurts, more than I ever could have imagined. Death seemed so surreal to me, well, death within the ring of those we know and love at least. How many times we have looked death in the face and come out from it all alive, maybe not entirely well, but alive, I couldn't count. When we found him, it was just... it didn't feel real. It still doesn't feel real. Or at least, it didn't feel real to me until I saw all of you, especially you, grieving the pains of this misfortunate occurrence... But... but..." Kurama's voice faltered and the room plunged back into silence. Shizuru remained in her restless sleep as she had all along while the half-demon fought off the tirade of tears he could feel that were just itching to spill from those emerald orbs. "But now it is so real to me that I can't take it. I, I can't take the hurt, the despair. I am n-never going to see him again. Never. I, it is just incomprehensible to me.
"Shizuru, I can't stand to see you like this. I thought I would be okay with it, I, I thought I could handle it just as w-well as everything else I have h-had thrown at me. B-but I can't. All I want is for you t-to know is th-that I am here. I am here for y-you. Shizuru, if I, if I could... I would have died in h-his place if I, if I... if I knew that it w-would have spared you all of this p-pain."
Kurama dropped his head into his hands and sobbed. He hadn't wanted to cry. He had never done such a thing as to cry like this. He had always been stronger than tears, or so he had thought. Nothing had ever hurt him so badly, not here in this human life at least, not even in his demonic past. Shizuru stirred, but he paid her no heed. Only silence ensued. She was still asleep.
"It just hurts so much to see you like this, Shizuru. I, I don't want you to hurt anymore. I, I w-won't be able to h-help it. I, I won't b-be able to get over this if you are still hurting..." he cried into his hands, fighting to gain yet more control over his slowly ebbing sobs.
He could feel the loss slowly breaking away his will, breaking away his strength. Her hurt, her resentment to be helped only aided that destruction and it killed him. He remembered the moment all too vividly, Yusuke screaming out his warnings and then the scream that just seemed to shred his very soul. He remembered finishing off his opponent with such anger, such hate and then moving as quickly as he could to Kuwabara. Though by the time he had gotten there his companion had been gone, but it had been viciously obvious that there had been no hope for him. He remembered Yusuke's bloodstained hands clutching onto the blue cloth of their friend's shirt while he screamed out his tears. He remembered Hiei hanging his head and looking away. He remembered all he could do was stand there dumbly, not knowing what he could do.
Never in his whole life had Kurama felt as lost and hopeless as he had in that moment. Never had he felt so useless. Until now. He was useless to everyone. If he could not deal with this, how could he help anyone? How could he help Shizuru feel comforted? How could he do anything?
"Shizuru, I... I don't know what to do. I'm lost. I feel like I'm drowning in this. I can't... I, I just don't know how I am supposed to ever g-get over this. I m-miss him and I..." the half-demon broke off again, feeling an entirely new bought of tears coming on. He gave into them, slowly and painfully shedding each one of those droplets from the hope drained emerald gaze that seemed so foreign to his composure.
"Shizuru, I love you..." The choked confession came as nothing more than a whisper mixed with all of the emotion kept locked tightly within his heart. "I always have, and... and seeing you like this is, is killing me a-above everything else. I want to help you. I w-want to see you smile... I-I don't want to see you su-suffering any-more. Please..." he pleaded hopelessly to her silent form. "Please let me h-help you."
He wanted to scream out loud, to let the hysterics building within release, but he was too afraid too. He was too afraid to wake her and have to face her saddened gaze again. He should have never opened his mouth, should have never stayed there that evening. He should have gone to find Hiei and Yusuke and stay with them. He didn't belong there. She would never love him the way he loved her. He was only torturing himself by sitting there and hoping that she would wake and all would be fine. He knew it could never be fine, that such a thing could never happen for him.
Then he mentally berated himself for thinking of such a thing at such a time, of thinking of how much he wanted her to love him in return rather than for her to simply allow him to help her. It was selfish, terrible. She did not deserve to be put through that. She deserved nothing but the attention she wanted, nothing but the help she silently prayed for. She did not want him to confess his emotions to her. As he thought before, it was simply not the time, and he silently despaired that it may never be the time...
"I love you..." he echoed through his muffled sobs. Somehow the words just stuck in his hands and echoed in his mind. He knew he could never say that to her face, could never truly let her know how he felt. He was too cowardly too. She would never love him in return and he knew it. He could never let her know.
Suddenly he felt compelled to look up, to look upon that sleeping form and to whisper goodnight one final time that evening. He jerked his head up and his next sob caught painfully with his breath in his throat.
Shizuru's eyes were open.
~~~~~
I hope you all enjoyed the story. I really liked writing it a whole lot! Will you please send me a review and let me know what you think of it? I would be flattered. So, I guess, until the next fic...
Namarie! ('Farewell')
Sharnay ~_^
By Sharnay
I hope you will enjoy this. It was a little bit of a spur of the moment sort of deal, but it is good none the less, or at least, that is what I would like to believe.
Enjoy~
~~~~~
It had been terrible, the whole night a complete ruin. He should have known better than to follow after her, than to pry into her emotions. He should have known it would only turn out this way.
She had made it so hard for him to not do just that, though...
Everyone had been gathered together, a secret ploy of Keiko's to make her friend feel better, but it just failed. She knew all along why they gathered that night. She knew that they were all just trying to show their sympathy for her and to help move on themselves. Little did she know that they had needed that night together just as much as she had.
To lose a partner like that - some one who had always been such a good friend and who, on more than one occasion, had been more than willing to risk his life for the sake of everyone else's - it was something that wasn't going to be easy to handle. Especially for her. Especially being so close...
It was a bond that Kurama really didn't understand. He knew he never would, either. It was just his luck. It had just been he and his mother. He never had any brothers or sisters. He knew that he could never fully understand her tourment. He only wished that he could. He only wished that he could heal it, to make it all go away and allow her to smile again.
Genkai's temple: it had been an appropriate enough place to hold the gathering. It was a place they had all deemed as sanctuary, a place they all felt at ease in. The downfall to this was that there were so many darn rooms and far too much land around the building she could have run to.
Kurama sighed and slid the door that led to the outdoors open. He only hoped she was out there, only hoped that she was safe. He hated the idea of her hurting somewhere all alone with no one to condole her. It worried him and only made him seek her with more desire.
The air was heavy with the smell of the rain earlier that day, the grass damp as he stepped out onto the lush green. Stars twinkled out from behind dwindling rain clouds, framing the sliver of moon in a strange but beautiful aura. How it could be so lovely out when everything around him was so dismal and grey he just could not make sense of.
His footsteps came silently, unheard amongst the sound of peepers and other regular nocturnal life. He could hear the stream flowing nearby and somehow knew that would be the right place to find her. It just seemed to fit.
Kurama's nerves were beginning to get the better of him though as he began his tiny venture to the small parting in the trees that allowed the cold water to burble through. He knew why he was nervous, but it didn't help the matter any. He was afraid that she would just leave like she had before, leave with a few shouts and a hurt glance. He didn't want to see that again. He didn't want to see her suffering in silence anymore.
Sure enough, when he pulled a few tree branches back and walked by them, he found her. She was crouched over on her knees near the water, her brown locks of hair fallen like a curtain over her features. It was almost better that Kurama didn't have to see the look on her generally complacent face. It would hurt him too much.
He took a hesitant step forward, and then quickly withdrew it, drawing back into the safety of the tree branches to hide him from view. He could feel his heart throbbing in his ears and his stomach fluttered as if it were really full of hundreds of butterflies. He shouldn't be this nervous or this scared to approach some one who was a friend to him. She needed some one to be there for her, relentless of what she tried to make the others think.
The half-demon felt his heart sink well past his stomach when he heard her pained whispers, her angry rants at the sky. He remembered being there when she found out the news. He and the remainder of the Rekai Tentai were the ones to break the brunt of this terrible event to her. Kurama had never remembered seeing her so angry, so torn or heartbroken. Not even during the Dark Tournament when the man she tried to hide her feelings for had been killed off had she emitted so much emotion. She had merely stared blankly on ahead, totally removed of the experience. This time though... it was different.
Kurama wanted to go to her then, to hold her and make things better for her, but he couldn't do such a thing. She shared no such feelings for the kitsune, though he had never rightly expressed his own to her in anticipation of a similar reply. Now was not the time, not the place. It had the probability of bringing on even more pain and confusion that was not needed during such a time of extreme emotional duress.
Another thought hit him full force at that moment. He realized that he didn't know how to help her. He himself was still working on getting over this loss. How was one grieving soul to revive and give hope to another even more despaired one? How was one so blinded by his own pain to help clear the eyes of another who was so past the point of his own grief that he couldn't begin to understand what she had ultimately lost? More importantly, how was he to help a friend that would be nothing but dead to the world if some one was not to intervene quickly?
He took another, frightened step back and dropped his head into his hands. He shouldn't be this cowardly. He shouldn't be this wimpy. Nothing like this had ever held him back before from doing what had to be done. The current conditions should not be holding him back now from the things here that needed to be tended to. He was being a fool.
After a decent amount of time and nerves had passed, the crimson-haired teen worked up his will and stepped through the trees. He looked over to where she had been before to find her lying in silence. Of all the luck in the world, Kurama had missed it so far that evening. She had fallen asleep. Immediately he decided that he was not going to leave her there alone. Never mind the emotional immorality of it, but it was dangerous and right now, he did not feel he could risk anymore losses or hardships on top of all this. He didn't exactly want to be there either when she finally woke up. Somehow he got the feeling that it would not be the most pleasant nor comfortable of meetings between the two.
He crouched down beside her for a moment and watched her. She did not rest peacefully. Her face was still swollen with unshed tears and somehow he got the feeling that nightmares would plague her mind if they had not already set in during this early stage of sleep. A certain, dull edged pain began to well up in his chest while he looked at her, while he thought about her, and he decided hastily that he was going to bring her inside before he allowed himself to ponder on this matter any further.
So with a gentle grasp, he carried her back through the rain scented air under the pale glow of the stars and moon above and brought her into the warmth and protection of the temple. It was quiet as he went without a sound through the halls. He had seen the girls all huddled together in a little group, sound asleep. They had more than likely cried themselves to that point of exhaustion such as the young woman in his arms. His other companions were no where to be seen, though he could guarantee that they were together. No one wanted to be alone that evening. No matter what she said, she was no exception.
Kurama found a room suitable enough for her to reside in without much of a problem. After making sure she had been covered by a blanket, he made his way for the door. Something tugged at him though, something that would not go away and only left him with a feeling of guilt. He didn't want to leave her.
He turned and looked at her. Lying there with the blanket already clutched in her fists near her face, she looked so innocent, so childlike in her helplessness. He saw her in a way he had never seen the strong, dominate young lady before. He saw the vulnerability, the fear and the confusion. He saw every reason he needed to stay, even if it was only for a while longer.
He drew a chair quietly up to her bedside and rested himself in it, soon resting his gaze upon her pained face. A certain amount of hurt welled up within him again. Even in her sleep she felt the anguish, the suffers of this terrible loss. He wanted to make everything better for her. He wanted to erase time and go back to rewrite it all, all for the sake of her happiness. All for the sake of everyone's happiness and the sake of the life that was lost for them.
Before he even knew what he was doing, soft, nearly inaudible whispers emitted from his lips, magnified in the silence of the darkness. Words he needed to purge from his soul, words that, if not released, would bring him down and everyone else along with him.
"I don't know how to help you. I lost a friend in the passing day, just as you lost a brother. I couldn't ever understand that, Shizuru. I couldn't ever understand the bond, the closeness you shared with him. I can't imagine how you felt while he was in the living just as I cannot imagine how you feel now... Now that he is gone...
"I know that I miss him. I know that without Kazuma, the Rekai Tentai will never be as powerful nor will its usefulness match what it has been on past occasions. We lost an important asset, one that can never be replaced, one that we would never feel right replacing, to be correct..."
He paused, feeling dumb, but feeling the reward of letting it all pass out of him almost immediately. He knew he could never say any of this to her face, not during this time of grief. He knew that he would probably be so hurt himself that he would wait until months had passed by, and by that point, the words would not be needed as severely as they were now. So, in the silence, he continued.
"It hurts, more than I ever could have imagined. Death seemed so surreal to me, well, death within the ring of those we know and love at least. How many times we have looked death in the face and come out from it all alive, maybe not entirely well, but alive, I couldn't count. When we found him, it was just... it didn't feel real. It still doesn't feel real. Or at least, it didn't feel real to me until I saw all of you, especially you, grieving the pains of this misfortunate occurrence... But... but..." Kurama's voice faltered and the room plunged back into silence. Shizuru remained in her restless sleep as she had all along while the half-demon fought off the tirade of tears he could feel that were just itching to spill from those emerald orbs. "But now it is so real to me that I can't take it. I, I can't take the hurt, the despair. I am n-never going to see him again. Never. I, it is just incomprehensible to me.
"Shizuru, I can't stand to see you like this. I thought I would be okay with it, I, I thought I could handle it just as w-well as everything else I have h-had thrown at me. B-but I can't. All I want is for you t-to know is th-that I am here. I am here for y-you. Shizuru, if I, if I could... I would have died in h-his place if I, if I... if I knew that it w-would have spared you all of this p-pain."
Kurama dropped his head into his hands and sobbed. He hadn't wanted to cry. He had never done such a thing as to cry like this. He had always been stronger than tears, or so he had thought. Nothing had ever hurt him so badly, not here in this human life at least, not even in his demonic past. Shizuru stirred, but he paid her no heed. Only silence ensued. She was still asleep.
"It just hurts so much to see you like this, Shizuru. I, I don't want you to hurt anymore. I, I w-won't be able to h-help it. I, I won't b-be able to get over this if you are still hurting..." he cried into his hands, fighting to gain yet more control over his slowly ebbing sobs.
He could feel the loss slowly breaking away his will, breaking away his strength. Her hurt, her resentment to be helped only aided that destruction and it killed him. He remembered the moment all too vividly, Yusuke screaming out his warnings and then the scream that just seemed to shred his very soul. He remembered finishing off his opponent with such anger, such hate and then moving as quickly as he could to Kuwabara. Though by the time he had gotten there his companion had been gone, but it had been viciously obvious that there had been no hope for him. He remembered Yusuke's bloodstained hands clutching onto the blue cloth of their friend's shirt while he screamed out his tears. He remembered Hiei hanging his head and looking away. He remembered all he could do was stand there dumbly, not knowing what he could do.
Never in his whole life had Kurama felt as lost and hopeless as he had in that moment. Never had he felt so useless. Until now. He was useless to everyone. If he could not deal with this, how could he help anyone? How could he help Shizuru feel comforted? How could he do anything?
"Shizuru, I... I don't know what to do. I'm lost. I feel like I'm drowning in this. I can't... I, I just don't know how I am supposed to ever g-get over this. I m-miss him and I..." the half-demon broke off again, feeling an entirely new bought of tears coming on. He gave into them, slowly and painfully shedding each one of those droplets from the hope drained emerald gaze that seemed so foreign to his composure.
"Shizuru, I love you..." The choked confession came as nothing more than a whisper mixed with all of the emotion kept locked tightly within his heart. "I always have, and... and seeing you like this is, is killing me a-above everything else. I want to help you. I w-want to see you smile... I-I don't want to see you su-suffering any-more. Please..." he pleaded hopelessly to her silent form. "Please let me h-help you."
He wanted to scream out loud, to let the hysterics building within release, but he was too afraid too. He was too afraid to wake her and have to face her saddened gaze again. He should have never opened his mouth, should have never stayed there that evening. He should have gone to find Hiei and Yusuke and stay with them. He didn't belong there. She would never love him the way he loved her. He was only torturing himself by sitting there and hoping that she would wake and all would be fine. He knew it could never be fine, that such a thing could never happen for him.
Then he mentally berated himself for thinking of such a thing at such a time, of thinking of how much he wanted her to love him in return rather than for her to simply allow him to help her. It was selfish, terrible. She did not deserve to be put through that. She deserved nothing but the attention she wanted, nothing but the help she silently prayed for. She did not want him to confess his emotions to her. As he thought before, it was simply not the time, and he silently despaired that it may never be the time...
"I love you..." he echoed through his muffled sobs. Somehow the words just stuck in his hands and echoed in his mind. He knew he could never say that to her face, could never truly let her know how he felt. He was too cowardly too. She would never love him in return and he knew it. He could never let her know.
Suddenly he felt compelled to look up, to look upon that sleeping form and to whisper goodnight one final time that evening. He jerked his head up and his next sob caught painfully with his breath in his throat.
Shizuru's eyes were open.
~~~~~
I hope you all enjoyed the story. I really liked writing it a whole lot! Will you please send me a review and let me know what you think of it? I would be flattered. So, I guess, until the next fic...
Namarie! ('Farewell')
Sharnay ~_^