Summary:
Life for Skulduggery Pleasant is anything but ordinary.
Oh well, after a few hundred years as a walking corpse, I suppose one gets used to it…
Disclaimer:
I do not own 'Skulduggery Pleasant'.
Derek Landy does…
Bitter-Sweet
Chapter 1; 'Pudgemidgeon'
A slightly hysterical laugh broke the silence of the dungeon in which Skulduggery Pleasant was currently being held captive. It would seem as if he had been abducted in his sleep.
How a supernatural skeletal detective sleeps at all shall remain a mystery.
Either way, Skulduggery stretched as much as his manacled arms would allow before turning his head towards the source of the noise.
"Ha! I've got you, Mr. Pleasant!" said a rather large man with a hooked nose wearing a purple jumpsuit.
"How nice."
The man gave a flabergasted stutter, "Wha- Do you have any idea where you are?" he demanded, his portly face taking on a slightly red hue.
"No."
"Do you know who I am?"
"No."
"I am the great Hollander Pudgemidgeon!"
A silence resounded for a few moments before he was answered, "… Honestly?"
The angry red faded from the man's face and in its place was a look of pride, "So, then, Mr. Pleasant, you do know who I am!"
"Ah, sorry, no…"
The man hunched his shoulders in exasperation, "B- but you recognized my name, didn't you?"
Skulduggery shook his head, "No, no, I just thought it was a rather amusing moniker you've chosen for yourself… Suits you though… Pudge and all…"
The man's face turned scarlet, though it was hard to tell if it was caused by embarassment or anger, "I AM HOLLANDER PUDGEMIDGEON AND I'M GOING TO DESTROY YOU!" the man bellowed.
Skulduggery tilted his head, "Ah, is that so?"
"IT IS! Now, behold your doom!" he shouted as he opened a door off to the left of the dungeon revealing a small, metal cage.
From inside, vicious snarling sounds could be heard.
The large man grinned triumphantly, "Do you know what these are, Mr. Pleasant?" he asked with a haughty tone.
The detective stared for a bit, "… Are they dogs, Pudge?"
The man's eye ticked, "Yes, they are dogs," he ground out through his teeth, "AND NEVER CALL ME PUDGE!"
Skulduggery adjusted his legs from where he was kneeling on them and stood up, the chains around his narrow wrists refusing to let him stand at full height.
"So… The dogs are part of my demise, then?"
The now very irate man snarled, "Of course they are!"
"I see."
The man's eye twitched again, "Do you know what dogs do Mr. Pleasant?" he asked as patiently as he could.
Skulduggery nodded, "They eat too much, soil carpets, and fetch sticks… They also have a nasty habit of slobbering all over you when you least expect it…"
Pudgemidgeon stomped his feet in a rage, "NO, YOU SKELETAL HALF-WIT! BONES! DOGS LIKE BONES! THEY TEAR THEM APART WITH THEIR TEETH!" he shrieked, his face redder than the blood that filled it.
Skulduggery nodded, "Ah, very well. Proceed…"
The man curled his meaty fists, "I- I will! I'll do just that!"
Without futher ado, he opened the cage and a large black dog ran out straight at the detective, its mouth white with foam.
Five feet from its target, Skulduggery sighed.
Its jaws opened wide and were about clamp down on his right leg when his left shot up and connected with the animal's ribcage, tossing into the other corner of the room.
Once again the dog charged back, its master's face alight with glee, when Skulduggery spoke, "Heel, puppy…"
Upon which, the dog stopped, laid down on its paws and gazed up at him with a whimper.
Pudgemidgeon stuttered in disbelief as Skulduggery pulled the shackles out of the concrete wall and stood upright.
Seeing the look on the man's face, Skulduggery explained, "You drilled the holes for the shackles into the same concrete block… Kicking the mutt jerked my arms forward causing a fissure… One more strong pull was all it took to break it…"
The large man moaned and fell to the ground.
"Hey, don't feel bad… Not everyone can be as amazing as me… Oh, speaking of which…"
Skulduggery shrugged the shackles off and lifted his right hand where he proceeded to detatch his index finger.
Walking over to Pudgmidgeon, he pulled the man up. Waving the piece of bone at the dog who was staring at it intently, he dropped it into the breast-pocket on the larger man's jump-suit.
Giving it a pat, he looked the man in the eyes, "I'd start running about now, you know how dogs love bones…"
He whistled at the dog, pointed at Pudgmidgeon and gave his command, "Fetch…"
The dog did just that…
A day or so later, Skulduggery and Valkyrie were talking amongst themselves in the local park when Valkyrie noticed something odd.
"Skulduggery?" she said, "I think a piece of you is missing."
He lifted his hand, "Yes, indeed it is…"
She gave him her best tolerant look, "Do you know where it is? Or where you might have… dropped it?"
He looked off to the side, "I have an idea. No worries though. Important things always have a way of coming back to you…"
She gave him a surprised look.
"Especially if that person is as magnificent as me…"
Valkyrie sighed, 'Same old Skulduggery…'
Off to their left, a large, black dog was trotting towards them, a long, white object dangling from its mouth…
A/N: I finally got back on this and made a revised edition.
Here it is. Please forgive any mistakes in later chapters,
I have only read book one. The others are being shipped to
me within a week.
Tumbling Tundra