So, this is a fanfiction. Yeah, I hope you knew that.

Anyway, this has been in my head for a long, long while. The beginning is a bit straightforward. Please excuse my darling OC's ego. She'll describe herself, and I meant for it to be very dramatic/cheesy. Please just read it and get the joke… ^v^

Disclaimer! As aforementioned (I love that word) this is a fanfiction, so obviously I own nothing but the OC and the clothes on my back and the computer I used to type this up and cinnamon. I like cinnamon.

Chapter One! Welcome to My Mind

Enjoy!~

Hello! Welcome to my mind!

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Well, that sounded creepy.

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Oh well…

Anywhoozle, a bit about me… Name: Hyuuga Hotaru; Affiliation: (ex-)Konoha, Akatsuki; Registration ID: 012117; Birthday: June 19; Blood type: A; Height: 155 cm; Weight: 52 kg; Wanted: theft of private property, harassment (?), kidnapping, abduction and torture of civilians, unauthorized attack and destruction of cities, multiple accounts of murder, minor in possession of alcohol, distribution of alcohol among minors, possession of drug paraphernalia, cannibalism (?), aiding in the Uchiha clan massacre, blah, blah, blah… Bio: …

Well, that was my page in the bingo book! Yeah, don't ask about the drugs. I gave them to some kids I… kidnapped…

I hate my picture. I mean, I look good (as always XD), but you can see down my shirt and stuff. I don't want lonely ninja on missions to be… yeah…

Oh, what do I look like? Well, I'd describe myself as having soft, flawless, glowing pale skin, and a perfect, voluptuous body that Jashin-sama himself crafted, and shiny, silky, awesome black hair that brings out my ultra-amazing eyes, the color of moonlight on a softly flowing stream… Sigh…

Others would say that I'm short, skinny (name a kunoichi without a nice body), have black hair that falls to my hips, pale skin, and pale Byakugan eyes. They might also mention I have a bit of an ego...

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A bit of an ego!

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That makes me laugh!

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I have an ego the size of the Land of Wind, and I'll admit it with a (charming, amazing, ultra-fantabulous) smile. I have a reason to think I'm the shit, mind you, and I know it! How 'bout I tell you how amazing I am.

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Oh, you don't think I'm amazing?

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Well… you disgust me to, you stupid, loyal ninja!

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Alright, since I take it you don't really like my ego, I'll just tell you some stuff about me! If you didn't notice, I didn't read my bio to you from the bingo book because it's… wrong to say the least.

I'll sum up my bio from the bingo book for ya:

Hyuuga Hotaru is a demented child who enjoys the suffering of innocent people and destruction. She was a very bad girl when she did all the bad, bad shit mentioned above. She shows signs of psychopathic behavior that is increased by her insomnia. She will not hesitate to maim and/or slaughter you if you get your nose into her shit. She, now, works as an information gatherer for the uber-evil Akatsuki and is always watching you with her many creepy eyes she stole from other Hyuuga with a kinjutsu! Panic! Evil overload! Hyperventilate! D:

If you read that with a high voice, you really get the full effect! ^v^

I think the writers are just ding-dongs who can't comprehend that I have… different… opinions than the general populations. (This means I'm wrong, by the way. )

So, the only thing they remotely got was me being an insomniac and killing you on sight!

Insomnia probably is the reason I'm S-rank or even a criminal for that matter, but it fucking sucks, anyway!

Oh, the S-rank because I train at night when all those pathetic folks who need sleep… er, sleep, and the criminal because staying up all night really makes you bored and want to practice your torture methods on "innocent" civilians without authorization and shit like that! ^v^

Yeah, I am a sadist, otherwise I wouldn't have more or less specialized in torture, now would I? I like other's suffering to an extent, but other than that I like… cereal… and… rain… and… me! I hate just about everything and everyone else. Inanimate objects and people have to earn my love!

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Okay, I'm ranting.

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Oh, yeah, my life! Well, in brief I'm a branch member, and hated my seal that took away my freedom, and stole the scrolls and freed myself with my knowledge of fuuinjustu (thank you, insomnia!) but not before testing it on other sealed branch members of which I killed all but three due to the testing, and have been running away with the knowledge and scrolls since I helped with Itachi (my squad mate along with the older Shisui) sort of in the massacre of his clan (behind the scene stuff) and other random shit! :3

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Jashin-sama, that was a mouthful!

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I might tell you more about my history when and if I feel like it, but I've got things to do… Like a mission!

"Hurry up, Hotaru!" Zetsu, my partner in the Akatsuki for about… a month?... said.

"Coming! Coming!" I said, snapping out of my thoughts. I flipped the bingo book over to the person Zetsu and I were to be abducting (one of my awesome specialties by the way). I was one of the fastest ninja in my age group back in Konoha, but I had trouble keeping up with Zetsu's Mayfly technique, damn it!

"Well, be quicker about it!" Zetsu snapped. "Don't be harsh on her, now!""Teleportation techniques are supposed to be quicker than our Mayfly technique!""She only teleported part of the way here, though!""Wasn't she one of the quickest kunoichi in Konoha?"

I heard Zetsu arguing with himself from my position in the tree above him. I rolled my eyes, Nothing in my blind spot… "Yes I was, Zetsu. That doesn't mean much when you can practically travel at the speed of light!"

"She has a point!" Zetsu agreed. "Shut up! Hotaru, how far are we from the village?"

I activated my Byakugan and calculated the distance quickly. "About ten kilometers…"

Zetsu grumbled something and sped up a bit. This was supposed to be a one day mission –for Zetsu at least- since it was in the Rain Country and stuff, but I was in no rush. If this man was that ugly in the book, I wouldn't want to see how he really looked.

"Okay," Zetsu said.

We traveled in silence for the rest of the trek to the village. There was a slight mist hovering in the sky. I was a disgusting weather by most everyone's standards, but this heavy humidity and light rain was my absolute favorite weather.

I don't know why, really, but it just felt… right.

Hmm, that last thought sounded like something from a bad romance novel…

Where was I, now? Oh, yeah! Right in front of the village!

So, yeah… I was just looking around the village for the man while Zetsu was chillin' or something.

This village was… HUGE! It took me twenty minutes just to find the damned man!

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Yeah, twenty minutes.

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You must be thinking, "Wouldn't it take you a couple of hours to find him with the old fashion way? You know like ACTUALLY walking around to look for him way?" Why yes, yes it would, but it normally takes me five minutes to find someone, even in a village this size. The bastard was using a transformation jutsu!

I sighed, "Alright, I've finally got him! He was using a damned transformation jutsu!"

"Okay, finally! Let's go!" Zetsu huffed. "You shouldn't be using foul language, Hotaru. You're only 14."

I rolled my eyes, "Yeah, so is Itachi, and do you see him acting 14? Nooooooo! I didn't think so"

Zetsu glared and mumbled something about damned children. Or just people in general. Don't blame me for his independent nature!

In about five minutes we were on top of the man. Not literally! Sheesh!

Anyway, I approached the man, cloak fluttering around me dramatically as I cornered him in the dark, dirty alley.

The man I was to abduct actually was a hell of a lot better looking in person than in the bingo book. I guess he lost weight…

Anyway, I was looking all awesome in the shadows of the dark alleyway while he looked pathetic, like he was about to shit his pants.

"G-get back, l-l-little girl," he trembled. "I-I used to be an ANBU f-fr-from Iwa!"

I let my eyes narrow; I already know I'm short! I smirked, stepping ever so dramatically into the moonlight, "I know," I smirked, "It seems you've lost your touch, though."

The man couldn't even scream as I attacked. I whispered with the attack, "Gentle Fist: One Blow Body!"

I sent him flying into the brick wall. He was a failure as an ANBU, not even being able to use a substitution jutsu!

He was unconscious before he hit the floor.

Zetsu appeared from the wall, "That was quick."

"I know," I said smugly and deactivated my Byakugan, beginning to feel a slight eye strain.

"There!" a voice cried. "That's the little girl who took Ryo-sama!"

I didn't even turn to face them since I could see them and all that. Anyway, there was a mob of a good twenty or so men at the other end of the alley.

I snarled at them, not turning around, "I know I'm short! Gosh!" I said to Zetsu, "Let's get out of here; I'm not in the mood to fight."

"Me neither, let's go," Zetsu said, picking up 'Ryo.' "C'mon, Hotaru."

I grabbed Zetsu's outstretched hand as he faded into the wall with me and Ryo, much to the puzzlement of the mob. I closed my eyes so as not to get dirt in them.

"We need to hurry or else Leader-sama will be upset," Zetsu said more to himself than to me. He sped up a bit.

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After Mayflying over to the base and reporting in to Leader-sama, I was left to interrogate the man about -ooh!- whereabouts of a kinjutsu. This should be interesting since he was supposedly an ANBU.

I turned to face 'Ryo' who was pinned to the torture table bench thingy. I began with a cheery (and beautiful!) smile directed at the man, "So, Ryo-san, how's life?"

Ryo looked up at me trembling slightly, "G-g-good. H-how'd you kn-know my n-name?"

I smiled, this time evilly, "Oh, Ryo-san, I know everything!"

I swear I heard him whimper. No longer a ninja, I can just use fear! But what does he fear? I pondered. He mewled, "P-please don't hurt me. I-I have a w-wife a-a-and t-two kids!"

He fears his safety and how his family would do without him, but he fears more for his safety… I pulled out a knife. I'll pretend I think he cares for his family! I began polishing the knife, "Well, just tell me what I want to know, or else I might not go back to your house."

"Wh-what?"

"Yep," I smiled. "I've got your family tied up around the dining table. Just tell me what I want to know, and I won't leave them there."

"Okay," he glanced around nervously. "Wh-what do you want?"

"Where is the scroll?"

"What?" Ryo squeaked.

I enunciated each syllable, "Where is the scroll?"

"What scroll?"

I sunk the knife into his leg with my ninja-y speed. He struggled to contain a scream. Perhaps he does retain some of his abilities of his ninja days…

"I won't tell you!" Ryo snarled.

"Willingly?" I smiled.

He growled, "Never! I'll never tell you!"

Tough guy facades don't work on me, bud! I smiled. Especially since they're the easiest to break… I giggled, "Then I guess I'll have to force it out of you, now won't I?" I twisted the blade in Ryo's leg before tugging it out.

He gurgled, "Y-you'll never get it from m-me!"

I shook my head and clicked my tongue, "Oh, listen to you stutter!" I tapped his chest on a chakra point and forced some of my lightning natured chakra, my affinity, into him. I finally got him to scream.

That was a technique I developed myself for torture. I force my chakra into a person's system, usually their chest, and it causes a burning pain to spread throughout their body. If you use an elementally charged chakra, it causes even more pain. Fire is the most painful while water is the least, but if you use your elemental affinity, it's stronger. That's just given, though.

Since I first demonstrated my technique that I so aptly named Gentle Fist: Palm of Hell, it has been banned due to how extreme it is.

Good times, good times!

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It took a hell of a lot more to break Ryo than I first assumed. It turned out his façade was a bit stronger than I first reckoned.

Ryo was panting heavily on the table. I smiled as I finished writing the information of the scrolls down, "Wasn't that fun?"

"No!" He somehow still had the energy to spit at me.

I shook my head lightly and pressed a knife against his throat, ready to kill him now that he's of no more use. But first, "Now, Ryo-san, I feel like I've really gotten to know you in the past hour, so I might want to spare you from being tossed out into the river out there with a bag of rocks around your neck."

"Yeah?"

"Mm-hmm!" I nodded vigorously. "Can you summon any animal?"

"Yes." Yes!

"What type?" I forced Ryo to look directly in my eyes.

"Camels."

I whipped out my handy-dandy booklet of summoning I'd learned to make sure I didn't already know about summoning camels. "Hand seals?"

"Ox-Snake-Rabbit-Dog-Bird-Ox-Dog-Snake-Boar-Tiger-Ox-Snake-Ox-Bird-Ram-Ox-Ram-Bird-Dog-Ram-Snake-Tiger-Bird-Rabitt-Ox." I scribbled down the obscenely long list of hand seals. I'm not using this in emergencies, I thought, a bit disappointed.

I unlatched his hands and grabbed hold of his hair to make sure he wasn't kidding or just pulling it out of his ass. "Show me."

He bit his thumb then made the hand seals nimbly even though he was trembling violently. I heard a poof, and then a camel ass was in my face.

The camel said, "Yo, Ryo-sama! Oh, you aren't looking so hot. Who must I attack?"

I growled and removed my head from the camel's buttocks. I scribbled down the remaining hand seals irritably. "Who has the summoning scroll?"

"Me." I noted that.

"Where?"

"With the kinjutsu scrolls." I also noted that.

"What!" the camel gasped. "You told this little girl about the scrolls? She couldn't be more than eleven, and no one besides you should know about that sort of thing? What happened?"

The camel whipped around to face me with a menacing fire in his eyes. I shrugged, ignoring how pissed the camel was. "I specialize in torture and interrogation," I leaned over to look Ryo in the eye. "Now, where do the camels live?"

Ryo slumped over, and returned my piercing gaze with a hollow, defeated one. He looked like the corpses Orochimaru-san experimented on, or rather the living people he experimented on. "They live twelve kilometers north east of Iwa…"

"Ryo-sama!" the camel recoiled. "How dare you! First you defect from Iwa then you reveal the location of the secret camel sage techniques!" I lifted my eyebrows, curiosity getting the better of me. "That's punishable by death! RAWR!"

I jumped back as the camel reared up at Ryo and sent his hooves crashing into Ryo's skull, effectively killing him. Ryo didn't even look up to meet his killer's gaze which was kinda depressing. I may have cried had I not seen this same thing several times, or had I a heart…

The only difference was that I was the killer and they looked away due to fear… Details, details…

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I had cleaned up the mess the camel made with my kidnapee. At the moment I was sitting in the living room –serial killers have them, too!- with Sasori. We had become buds pretty fast during my short time as a member of the Akatsuki -which quite surprised me since he seems to hate kids- due to our late nights together and our interest in art and destruction of the human body. Great things to bond over, right?

At the moment I was reading while Sasori was… also reading. We had just been chillin' and lounging around for about an hour.

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My book sucked.

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"So, Sasori-san," I snapped my shitty book shut. "How's life?"

Sasori looked up from his book Dance of the Tree Frog Magician a bit too willingly. I know how he feels; I've suffered through those 158 pages of hell before. I stopped at page 7, though. Sasori said, "Fine, brat. How did your mission go?"

I could tell Sasori was in one of his rare talkative moods. I blame Dance of the Tree Frog Magician. "Very well, I got the seals for summoning camels, but it's has an obscenely long string of hand seals to cast it." Yeah, Sasori's "talkative" moods are just him putting up with my talking.

"How long?" he asked.

"Twenty five seals," I said.

"Wow," he continued. "That isn't too useful, now is it?"

"Not at all," I said, snuggling into the warm couch. I could fall asleep.

The last thing I remember from that day was Sasori searching for a halfway decent book to read. After Dance of the Tree Frog Magician, even Twilight would be a good book to read!

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Guess what?

I fell asleep!

I had a dream about a man in a dark cape and spandex conjuring tree frogs from lacy lingerie. The tree frogs did a dance routine to Free the Hungry by the Stationary Microwaves. I think the magician was Might Guy. He's almost as creepy as my dreams.

And bands in the Rain Country.

They have a band here called Potato Salad & Ranch Dressing. I mean seriously!

What did you think?

Let me know pretty please!

Okay, so Hotaru has some sue-ish qualities to her, but I know this. By the way she isn't that pretty. Sure she's got some nice features, but the whole "body crafted by Jashin-sama" was her ego acting up.

I should write more of my characters with huge egos; it entertains me, but the question is that did it entertain you? I really really really like reviews!

Please review? Please? I'll give you a bunny if you do!

Okay, well I'll update soon and stuff! Have a nice rest of your day/night or whatever!