Pack A Bag

by JhsGptMS

A Sam and Andy tale of fear, and joy, and grief, some honesty, jealousy, maybe some resolution and what else? Geometry of course. Should have been chapters but it's all here, all now.

I own no interest in Rookie Blue

A little different format and it's long but hopefully you will enjoy the humor, feel the emotion and find the conclusion at least acceptable. If you have a math phobia, I do so apologize.

Prologue

The Old Philosopher was given the problem of alleviating the confusion of Andy McNally and the misery of Sam Swarek (as well as the distress of their fans). He scratched his head, rubbed his chin and presented an analogy to explain the current conundrum: because, until we understand what's happening now there is no way to appreciate a possible solution.

A love triangle surely exists. Triangles are math-ish. Bear with the Old Philosopher.

Basic geometry defines the triangle as a closed sided figure having three sides and three angles. Sam is one side of the triangle. Luke and Andy are the other two sides. If we equate the length of the sides to the importance of the love triangle members, it's obvious Sam is holding the short stick.

If the reader is experiencing pounding in the head or pain in the belly you have a math phobia. Take a deep breath; it'll be over before you know it. This may go faster if you picture (If your picturing does not include geometric figures, get a pencil) one of those really, really tall triangles with the small, small base. Now put Sweet Sam's name on that little line at the bottom. [Select one](Likeable, Lucifer or Ludicrous) Luke goes on one of the long sides and Addictive Andy on the remaining one. Sit back in your chair, contemplate your triangle. Do you see that little tight angle at the top where Andy and Luke's sides meet? That's how close Andy and Luke are. Not wishing to make the reader any more miserable, those big, wide, empty, lonely angles that surround Sweet Sam's line won't be spoken of here.

Rejoice! The math is almost over. If a Glittering Gail is added to our geometric figure the triangle is gone. Rectangles rule the day. At worst we put some separation between the current lovers.

(Note to the math geeks: If you are visualizing a nearly collapsed parallelogram, go ahead, at least Sam would have a cute little blond squeeze to keep him entertained while Laughable Luke and Adorable Andy are snuggled up in that house on the hill with the great views. Now you spoil sports can go back to your TI 84 Plus.)

Having explored the problem and identified a possible solution the Old Philosopher presents the following possible scenario to assist in the realization of a workable solution – a rectangle.

The Tale

The undercover assignment had been very successful but the partner's lives were placed at extreme risk. If being separated wasn't heart stopping enough; each partner, separately, had been held at gun point with the threat of imminent death. After Sgt. Best had been briefed on the events he decided Swarek and McNally should spend a few shifts in quarters. Both officers appeared to be fine but a couple of days on desk duty would allow them to decompress from the operation and talk it out of they needed to.

Gail had dressed in uniform before she stopped by the hospital to check on Chris, so she was the last officer to arrive at the station for duty. For parade she stood at the back of the room. When she heard Sam and Andy would be together in quarters today she planned a little something for Andy to think about. When the crew exited the room Sam and Andy spoke to Sgt. Best briefly and Gail remained near the door. As the partners turned Gail caught Sam's eye. She put her hand to her ear with the 'call me gesture' mouthed "call me", winked and smiled. She turned promptly, but not before she registered the look on Andy's face. She was still laughing when Dov caught up with her in the parking lot.

"What's so funny this early in the morning? " He asked.

"Oh, just give me the keys."

Sam wasn't sure Gail's scheme was a real good one but he had seen her with Diaz when he lay bleeding on the gurney and there was little question where her love interest lay. Sam was having enough trouble with Andy running from him; he didn't need Gail running toward him.

"So, it's you and Gail now?

"What?"

"Oh, never mind!"

Sam put his best undercover concerned look on his face when he asked, "What where you asking about Gail?"

"I saw you leave the party with Gail the other night." She informed him as if he didn't already know.

"I did that. Who cares? "

"I don't. Well, what I mean is I don't care who you… go… out… with. I just don't want to see you get hurt."

"You don't want to see me get hurt? Did I hear you right, Andy? You don't want to see me get hurt? Are you seriously concerned? You think that cute little blond is going to hurt…me?"

"She seems really cold and self interested, Sam."

He stepped back and turned to face her full on, "If that's the way she seems to you, well, you need to get to know her better. Nothing…could be further from the truth. Actually… that description describes another rookie better than it does Gail."

If someone had walked up on them at just that moment, one look at Andy's face and general body posture what have them thinking maybe Sam had sucker punched her. Maybe he had, verbally. He didn't see it because he had been turning away from her before the last word left his mouth.

"Come on, McNally, we got work to do," he called over his shoulder.

The unspoken presence of Gail sat with them the whole shift. It seemed as though a third party had been present with them most of the time lately. The only change today was Luke had been replaced. Sam wasn't as unhappy as usual but Andy's distress more than made up for it.

They spent their day catching up on paper work. It was near shift end before they first talked about the undercover operation. Andy shared with Sam what had happened after he left her with the money. Sam had known only that Andy had alerted the task force to the danger he was walking into. Until she related the events of that evening he had no idea how much personal danger she had placed herself in.

Shift end interrupted their conversation. They had not worked hard today but both were exhausted. Neither of them recognized that their feelings and their efforts to hide those feeling from themselves and from each other made every shift together a particular challenge. They weren't rewarded with a restful evening either. Visions of Gail with Sam filled Andy's thoughts. It seemed the harder she tried to chase the images from her mind the more creative the situations her imagination presented to her. Sleep usually provided an escape from problems but not tonight. Gail and Sam had moved into her thoughts and their possible antics tormented her on and off until dawn.

Sam had been able to sleep. Alcohol is a depressant. His evening had not been tormented with visions of Luke and Andy. He had exhausted those visions months ago. His evening had been plagued with how and why questions.

Andy was a notoriously bad liar. She carried her feelings on her sleeve openly displayed to the most casual observer. How had she been so convincing when Angel questioned her about her feelings for Sam if what she said wasn't true? She had convinced Sam. If she'd been faking those feeling she deserved an Oscar. And then the part of the operation Sam didn't know about until today. Andy was no fool and she didn't have a death wish but when she discovered Sam was walking into a death trap she had faced down a nervous criminal who was holding a gun on her. She had informed him she was leaving and if he wanted to stop her he would have to shoot her, and then she turned her back on him and walked out.

What does it say about your depth of feeling when you will put your own life on the line in an effort to save someone else? How many people love deeply but still would not be willing to make a sacrifice of their life to save the object of their love. Sam did not know what had to happen for Andy to arrive at the same conclusion he had about her feelings. Maybe, Gail was the answer. Andy had faced down a gun to save him. Would she face down the risk posed by another woman? Sam could only hope.

Same Tale-Different Day

Andy sat on the front row, forcing herself to face forward and put her full effort into paying attention to Sgt. Best. She hadn't gotten anywhere near enough sleep, that headache she was trying to ignore was still back there threatening to nauseate her on top of which she was just plain miserable. She did not need to see that woman and any of her antics this morning.

At parade yesterday, Best had mentioned the drug bust and how successful it had been. A day later, Andy did not expect to hear about it again and was surprised when it was brought up. "I have been reading the reports on the recent undercover work done by two of Fifteen's finest. An unarmed, Officer McNally, placed herself in imminent danger of death to save the life of her partner. I don't usually share reports with the whole squad but her bravery is to be commended and… if Officer Williams winning take down during re-training didn't convince you of the ability and value of female officers then reviewing Officer McNally's actions will." He paused while a smirk formed on his face.

"On a related, lighter note; a photo of the couple is posted next to the report on the bulletin board. Swarek looks quite dashing in leather and earrings. McNally…, her picture speaks for itself. Serve, Protect and keep the citizens safe. Dismissed."

Andy heard the congratulatory remarks. She may have even responded but as the room cleared she remained seated. It was just too much, her emotions were out of control and the first tear was followed by others. She wasn't so much crying as her eyes were leaking. She wasn't sobbing or gasping for breath she was just pouring out liquid misery.

Sam had received some good natured razzing while he stood just outside the door and waited for her. He didn't realize until he was standing alone that quite a bit of time had passed and still no Andy. He didn't think she had gotten past him unnoticed but it was possible. He stepped back into the room to check before heading off to find her. There she sat, same chair, facing in the same direction. He said her name softly, "Andy?" She shook her head but never turned toward him. He didn't know what had happened but it didn't take a genius to figure out there was a problem.

Long strides took him quickly to her side. He slid down into the chair next to her, put his hand on her back, leaned into her and asked, "What's wrong?" She did not turn to him but her quick glance was enough. The tear stained face, the sad eyes over dark circles, the turned down mouth; he would gladly fight the devil for her but seeing her like this was simply more painful than he thought he could endure. He wanted to pull her into his arms and assure her that he personally would protect and defend her but she probably would not allow that. With the hand he had on her back he gently nudged her toward him. Inviting, giving her permission to cling to him. He wouldn't force her but he wanted her to know she could.

Apparently, Sam's arms weren't where she wanted to be. She didn't pull away but she moved no closer. In a moment, she straightening up in her chair and leaned back. Sam slid his hand up to her shoulder to avoid being caught between her back and the chair. Maybe she didn't need the physical contact but he did and until she told him to get his hands off her, his hand was staying.

She appeared to be staring at nothing in particular when she began speaking. "It wasn't bravery." She sobbed," I want you to know…, it was not bravery! I don't think I have ever been that afraid. And, Sam, the fear really had nothing to do with the gun. The damn gun was just a deterrent. It showed me down. I knew you were going to be killed. I knew it for a certainty. You're a great cop, smart, strong, resourceful, and fearless, you're good at reading people, except for me, but I was the only copper who knew what you were getting into." She turned her head and studied his face before she continued.

"I got to the car where Luke was. I told them your cover would be blown as soon as you arrived where the drugs were. I knew the car you had left in was being followed and if they didn't screw up the tail at least you would have some back-up. I didn't find out until much later that Dov and Traci had figured out where you were probably going and a whole task force had been dispatched. "

"I'm in the back of the car, speeding to the warehouse when I hear "Shots Fired" and then there was a casualty. I don't know what I heard. I do know I have never experience anything that bad." Shaking her head she pressed her hand into her chest and took several deep breaths. Sam had been listening, trying not to interrupt her. He knew she needed to talk it out but he could not see her in such distress and remain silent.

"Andy, I…"

She threw her hand up to stop him, "Not now, Sam, I'm not done!" She continued with her monolog. "Just thinking back to how I felt in that car makes my chest hurt all over again and it wasn't over. I hadn't even gotten to the worst part yet. We pulled up at the warehouse." She stopped speaking and the tears started again, and the soft sobs.

Sam was dying here. She had him about as close of tears as he could ever remember. He'd face a guy with a gun any day rather than have to sit here and see her so miserable. He had no choice, but he didn't have to like it. At least Andy had chosen this infrequently used room for her melt-down. They probably wouldn't be disturbed. She needed to get it all out without interruption. That would happen if he could control himself.

She shut down the sobs enough so she could continue. "There were lots of patrol cars and lots of officers but the only thing I could see was your body on the loading dock covered by that orange tarp. I should have been screaming or crying or something but all I could do was go to you. I must have been walking really slowly because it seemed like it took forever. I had to see you but I guess subconsciously I was postponing the ugly truth: lying to myself for just a little longer. I was sure you were dead," she glanced at him quickly before turning back to her reflections. "But I knew until I had seen your body I could hold out some hope that you weren't really gone." She smiled the tears forgotten. The worst of the story was told.

"At the same time someone pulled the tarp back you called my name." She smiled again. "I had to have been in shock. How could I so calmly accept that you were there and fine when I had spent the last…'forever' knowing you had to be dead. I know I talked to you but I don't remember what was said. I didn't touch you or hug you or anything.

Thirty minutes… an hour…before we had been the loving couple playing our charade: holding hands, snuggling, even kissing in front of strangers. Undercover Sam Never Show your Emotions Swarek and Andy Can't Tell a Believable Lie McNally convinced suspicious strangers they were long time committed lovers, then I spend the worst thirty minutes in my life being sure you are going to be killed and finally convinced that you have been killed, and when I see that you are fine I don't even touch you. What has to be wrong with me?" She turned to face him now. Maybe the story telling was over and the time to talk had begun.

"You said it, Andy, you were in shock."

"Always the supportive partner, huh Sam. That's not what it is. I don't want to get hurt." She leaned in to him, "You see, Sam, I could blame you. I know, right here, right now, if I keep moving forward I could run my hand across your chest, continue up your neck until my fingers were tangled in your hair," his vulnerability was visible but she was exposing her feelings too. It was probably time to stop wondering and find out one way or the other. If I hurt, it hurt. The emotional roller coaster she had been on recently was misery. The facts, good or bad, could be no worse. She continued, "lean in and kiss you and you would kiss me back. You wouldn't stop if we weren't interrupted but if I pulled back you wouldn't pull me back in. Why is that Sam?" She did not pause long enough for an answer. "You sit there with that neutral expression on your face. If I didn't know better I'd think girls weren't your thing. I've been close enough to know you have a well developed interest in females so that's not it. Inexperienced? Not hardly! You've told me at least twice I wasn't your type. That might be it but you usually seem comfortable with me as a partner and if I come on to you like I did that night or if it's part of the job you're an enthusiastic participant. You know, I don't think I asked the right question before. The question I really want to know the answer to is What's wrong with us?"

"Maybe we're both afraid of being hurt."

"What?" She didn't think she had heard he right.

"Maybe we're both afraid of being hurt, Andy," he finally smiled, "We have had an interesting six months, you and me. The first day you threw me down, sat on me and felt me up from ankle to chest." She glared at him. "That same day I accused you of trying to kiss me and then undressed in front of you to give you a damn good look. The next day you saved my ass from a big time drug dealer, then came on to me in the parking lot of the Penny. It wasn't until I showed an interest that you backed down." She was glaring again and he was smiling. "You were definitely cute but it wasn't long before you were seeing Callahan. I felt sure I could give him a run for his money if I tried but you were still on probation and I, and well I was your TO. I've been on the force a long time and despite my reputation I have an excellent record. I could probably have gotten away with some rule breaking with my rookie but you, well you, Andy would have been fired."

"You are a fine police officer. You're compassionate and caring. Brave almost to the point of stupidity. Having the department discharge such a promising recruit just so I could entertain myself for a month or so before we got discovered, I may not always be a gentleman but I'm not a complete scoundrel either.

"I was probably a little envious of Callahan. He could squire you around in public. But, mostly I was furious with him because he had my partner's affection and he treated it so carelessly. My not being your guy really wasn't an issue with me. Like your best friends hot little sister; you might recognize her attributes but you knew she was way, way off limits." Andy almost blushed. "The black-out changed everything. "

"Sam"

"No, let me finish. I wouldn't discuss it with you before. I'm not going to discuss it with you now. I'm going to tell you my take on the whole thing. We're having Sam tells the truth time. Let me say this before I think better of it and shut up." She had seen him in many different situations and in many different moods but this was a first and so she sat quietly while he continued.

He put one hand on each of her knees so she was squarely in front on him and he looked at her before he began. When he started his remarks he cast his eyes off to the left and up as though he was seeing a different time and a different place. "I couldn't figure out who would be at my door on that of all nights. I opened my door and there you were. We had been together five days a weeks for several months by then. We were really good partners, I had thought I wouldn't like a partner. I'm sure your being a rookie made it easier. I made the rules you followed. You were a quick learner and willing to listen. When you got yourself in trouble it was usually doing what you though I would want you to do or doing something to win my approval. It was a good time. We laughed, we joked, and we even flirted; nothing serious, just fun. You were rapidly wrapping me around your little finger and you had no clue. I wouldn't even admit that to myself."

"Then one dark night you were at my door uninvited, you were in my arms unsolicited and you were in my bed voluntarily. Merry Christmas, Sam, Santa brought you what you wanted without you even having to ask." He paused to gaze into her eyes searching for a sign of her reaction. He thought he saw sadness, maybe an apology.

"I'm sure all these months you have thought I was mad because you left. I would be lying if I told you I wanted you to leave. I'm sure sex would have been spectacular. But the night was important to me because you came to me. I did not initiate that night. After you pulled back from me at the Penny I promised myself I would do nothing to jeopardize your probation.

"The night of the blackout changed my resolve. After you left I spend the evening telling myself that Toronto was a big town and I was smart enough for us to date and not get caught. I knew you better than any woman I had ever dated. We enjoyed being together. We knew lots about each other. We had confirmed we desired each other physically. "

"I spent eight months undercover, if nothing else, I have the patience to work for what I want. I really thought that night marked the beginning of a great love affair, if nothing else."

"Do you know what happened that morning in quarters before we spoke?" She shook her head. "I did not get in the station good before Luke stopped me. I was sure he was going to confront me about you…us. Your boyfriend just needed my help so you and he could leave on time to get to the fish camp, slash, love nest, and he told me the romantic getaway had been at your suggestion. I had been played and I was not happy."

"It wasn't that way." The distress in her voice was clear. The blood had drained from her face. Her distress morphed into pained realization. "If you had called or I had called. If I had seen you in the parking lot first these last awkward months would have been different wouldn't they?" She wasn't so much asking him the question as she was asking herself. "Those plans had been made at least two weeks before that day. I decided I really didn't want to go anywhere with him but I put off saying so. He might get a case and then I wouldn't have to make up an excuse. By the time he caught up with me you had already blown me off. I was in the process of backing out when he told me he had talked to you and I could get off on time with your blessing. I was at the "whatever" stage by then. I was just worried about straightening things out with you and I tried that day. You have to admit I tried. That was a really miserable day. The Bibbie mess would have been enough to spoil any day, yet on that day it was just another miserable part of an already miserable day. I couldn't even sleep that night. I spent most of it on the porch, wrapped in a blanket, nursing a bottle of 'make the world go away'."

Andy was exhausted. She had relived the terrifying events of the undercover assignment and the good parts too. She had spilled her guts to Sam but made no commitment. He had spoken to her with an openness that was new to her but no commitment from his quarter either. Their relationship was definitely different now than it had been two hours ago but were they just friends with a past or was that past, now exposed, a platform to build the future on?

A good night's sleep and mellow emotions would have had Andy approaching this situation in a more subtle manner but she had the luxury of neither. She put her hand on Sam's chest, leaned in and kissed him. When she pulled away she kept her hand in place, effectively stopping him from pursuing: stopping her from knowing whether he would or not. Was it a hello or a good-by kiss? If it was the last she would store it in her cabinet of bitter-sweet memories.

"So, Sam, where do we go from here? I've put myself out there about as far as I can. I've already done rejection by Sam in the past. I don't want any more of that."

Sam watched her for a moment before he responded. He had convinced himself months before that in time he would have another shot at her. As appealing as she was, he knew a stolen kiss now and then and a secret rendezvous when they could sneak away was not what he wanted. He kept his answer light. If today was the start of something new, he wanted that new to be happy, and loving, and hopeful. One look at her face and he knew there had been enough misery lately to last a life time.

"I can promise you, Andy, I'll never kick you out of my bed." He winked and smiled. She laughed softly. "Your life looks a little complicated right now. If you get it straightened out and decide to cross my threshold, pack a bag. I won't let you walk out again."What started out playful concluded almost threatening.

She reached out and stroked his face. "I'm sorry, I did not mean to hurt you." He took her hand in his and brought her fingers to his lips.

"I know." He released her hand and stood. "We really should get some work done today, and you need to go wash your face before someone thinks I've been abusing you. I'll see you back at the desk." He stood and left the room.

Andy's face took longer than she had expected. Crying on top of sleep deprivation had taken its toll. She washed away the tear stains and applied a little powder and blush. She didn't look quite so much like death warmed over when she approached Sam's desk. "Damn!" she said under her breath, turned and took two steps back toward the locker room before she reconsidered and changed course again. She had taken the easy way out too often lately. That's what had her in this mess now. No more!

"I thought you were on patrol today, Gail" Her voice had an edge to it. She had tried casual but it just hadn't come out that way.

The other woman turned slowly and said in her most adoring voice, "I just stopped by to bring Sam some of those chocolate chip cookies he likes so well."

Andy considered slapping her. On top of everything else she did not need to be dealing with this woman today.

Andy moved forward until she was about an inch and a half from being all in Gail's space before she said softly, "He may not be off the market just yet, but you aren't going to make arm candy out of him without a fight from me." Andy swept by Gail on the way to her seat before she heard Gail's reply.

"I live for a competition! Bye, Sam, see you later. Andy…"

She was in her chair before she turned to look at him.

"Arm candy?" Accompanied by the eyebrow lift and a smirk.

"Just shut-up! And get that smirk off your face."

"Yes ma'am, whatever you say." His chuckle was barely audible.

Andy opened a file from the desk and gave it all her attention. At least, that's what it looked like she was doing.

Epilog

The Old Philosopher knew from experience that the lives of these players seldom ran without a hitch but the rectangle was in place today. What tomorrow would bring was the unknown. The dismemberment of both the triangle and the rectangle was the longer term goal. If the Sweet Sam and the Adorable Andy lines could become equal in length with common endpoints then fairy tales did come true. Were reality to rule the day, maybe their lines would cross and form a loving durable bond. The Old philosopher would be watching.

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