Kaidan,
About your message…thank you for sending it. It touched me that you would open up like that to me even after how we left things on Horizon. I could hear your voice in every word, see the expressions on your face, that tilting nod thing you do for emphasis… Only once before did I feel I understood you as well as I do in those lines.
I want to tell you I'm sorry, too. For all of the pain that I've put you through. For everything.
About Cerberus…You questioned my loyalty to the Alliance. You know the saying "the enemy of my enemy is my friend"? It's an uneasy alliance, but necessary. We both want to stop the Collectors. Our preferred methods differ at times, but the Illusive Man respects my ability to get the job done and has agreed to "trust" my decisions. He is always sure to mention when he doesn't like me doing what is right over what is expedient, however. Rest assured, Soldier, that my allegiance is still with the Alliance and the Council. But someone has to clean up the mess that they are unable and unwilling to face at the moment.
I hope you believed me when I told you where I was for the past 2 years. These are the last memories I have: placing Joker in the escape pod, an explosion, and my suit venting air as I spun around in the darkness. The next thing I remember is waking up in a Cerberus lab that was under attack a couple of weeks back. I spent the intervening 2 years in a coma as Cerberus used cybernetic implants to rebuild my bones and performed extensive reconstruction on the rest of my body. Luckily for me (and to Miranda's disapproval) the Illusive Man was worried that a control chip would impair my personality and abilities, rendering me unfit to perform his mission.
Do you know their pet name for me? The Lazarus Project. Wonderful.
Kaidan, I can't stand the thought of you believing that I had forgotten about you. Even amongst the chaos of awakening to a station under attack, my first thoughts were of you. I didn't know that time had elapsed. I was worried whether your escape pod made it—if you were safe. Then Miranda and the Illusive Man told me what happened, that all of my squadmates were rescued—2 years ago. I…I couldn't quite wrap my mind around that. I still can't really. I carefully asked the Illusive Man about you at that first meeting. He couldn't (or wouldn't) tell me where you were—highly classified by the Alliance. As soon as I was able, I returned to Councilor Anderson, to the Alliance…to you, Kaidan—even though you didn't know it. It was evident quite quickly that Anderson's hands were tied on the issue of the Collectors. All he could do was to reinstate my title of Spectre, for which I was grateful. He wouldn't tell me anything about you except that you are Staff Commander Alenko now (congratulations, btw. It is well deserved) and that you were on a mission. Again, classified. Cerberus was my only option to get me the resources I need to take on this threat. Rest assured, they can't change who I am—where my loyalties lie. If you still doubt that, Alenko, ask Anderson. Bully him if you have to, but get him to tell you about a transmission that was sent to him containing sensitive Cerberus Intel. Lucky for me, I was able to re-recruit Joker, Garrus, and Tali—people that I can trust to watch my back for that knife that I expect from Cerberus at some point when my ethics diverge too greatly from their agenda.
You asked if I remember Ilos. How could I forget, Kaidan? Do you really think that little of me now? It was few years ago for you, but weeks ago for me. If it were a few hundred years I couldn't forget it. And not simply because of the physical part. There was more to it than that—so much more. I think it was probably the first time either of us let down all of our carefully constructed barriers…I know it was for me. For once I didn't have to wear the "Commander Shepard" mask. With you I could be myself, just Kimbri. It was the most intimate I've ever been with another person. Because of that night, I think a part of you is always with me. You've become a part of me somehow. Yours is the voice of reason in my mind when I have a tough decision to make, even though we apart. In short, yes, Kaidan. That night means everything to me as well.
I want to apologize to you for Horizon and to try to explain. By that time I had a lot more opportunity to think about what those 2 years could mean—just how much could change in 2 years. As soon as I knew that you were on Horizon and that a Collector attack was imminent, I rushed there. It was a nightmare. When we arrived there were people frozen and worse, people missing. I looked in every corner and at every frozen face, hoping to find you—praying that you weren't taken. At least the rage was useful in ending the battle sooner than it probably would have otherwise.
Then you were there. It was wonderful and awful at the same time. You weren't taken by the Collectors…but what if you were taken in another sense?I deeply regret the coolness of my reception. I know that it hurt you and probably precipitated much of the argument between us. Everything within me rejoiced at seeing you again, yet I was literally frozen with fear. Yup. Me, "Commander Shepard, Savior of the Citadel" Terrified. Frightened by the thought that at any moment I would hear you say that you had moved on, that you were lost to me forever. I had my shields at full blast, bracing for that impact, although I knew it would have been futile. That would have...it would have succeeded where the Collectors failed.
As it was, our encounter left me feeling pretty low. I realized that although I had my crew around me, there isn't anyone amongst them like you or Ash—good people that could help ease the burden from my shoulders for a moment or two so that I could take a breath before having to face the next crisis.
Then you were there for me. You sent me that message. Kaidan, you don't know what it meant to me. It lifted my spirits and gave me hope.
I have struggled with myself over and over whether to send this. It's against my nature to be so transparent and to leave myself so open. But would it help you? Or would it hurt you? I finally decided it was better that you know everything—either way that this battle goes. EDI has agreed to circumvent Miranda's monitoring for this one task—to send this message right before we take the fight to the Collectors.
This is a suicide mission, Kaidan. We're not expected to come back. With all of the "impossible" situations I've been in where I was supposed to die, I've come to realize that God is looking out for me. I don't think I'm done with His mission yet. With the faith and hope I now feel in there still a future possible for us, you'd better believe I'm going to fight like hell to make it back to you, Alekno. I know that things can't ever be the same as before the destruction of the Normandy. I know that we both will have some work ahead of us to get to know the other as we are now. But you know me. I'm always up for a good fight if you are. I hope you are.
But…if I don't make it back…I wanted you to know all of this. I want nothing left unsaid. I love you, Kaidan. You are the most wonderful, amazing man that I have ever met. You deserve the best that life has to offer. Please don't allow yourself to be mired in guilt, remorse, and pain like you have the past 2 years. You may need to mourn for a time, but then live, my love. Promise me, Kaidan! No guilt about moving on…about having drinks with a woman..about finding someone to love who gets how incredible you are. About passing on those biotic abilities and those gorgeous honey-brown eyes of your to another generation. If there's something that I've learned in all of this craziness, it's this: Life is too short. Grab every piece of happiness that you can in this life before it's gone.
Yours forever,
Kimbri