He remembered them all. He could still smell them as if they were right in front of him. Martha smelled of cinnamon and cloves, warm scents, scents that reminded him of friendship and comfort. Jack still lingered in the air; a combination of old wool and fresh cut grass. His scent was old, and yet bright and new as the summer. The Doctor sometimes wondered about that, if there was more to his Captain Jack than even he knew of.
Yes, he remembered them all, they haunted him like ghosts. He moved silently throughout the Tardis. Was that a whiff of Sarah Jane? She was soft and subtle; lavender and a hint of mint. He even got a hint of the bride herself, Donna. Thinking of her made him smile. If he was lucky indeed, maybe he would see her again. She made him laugh, and forget about the soul ripping pain he felt for just a while. He would have enjoyed having her on board. He thought that she was stronger than even she knew.
He came across another scent and it just about ripped him in two. Don't concentrate on that one, he thought to himself. Apples ripening in the sun…
He moved around again, this time searching for another memory. A memory that wouldn't hurt as much, that wouldn't cause this ache. There was so much pain in remembering, but some pain wasn't as acute, didn't cut him as deeply. There were those who smelled like him. Susan with her lipstick and perfume, and Romana; she was a combination of Gallifrey and roses… Roses. He moved again. There was the Brigadier, his friend, who smelled like tobacco and iron. Then there was his sweet, fierce Ace who smelled of cordite and the wind. So many that he lost, so many gone.
His wanderings brought him to a room that he hadn't been in for so long. It was inevitable really, although everything about this room hurt him in some way. He opened the door and almost reeled with the memories that were thrust upon him.
A golden girl; young and impossibly brave.
A young boy, with dark skin who looked upon her like she was the sun.
Being smacked by her mother, then being hugged for bringing her home.
Eating chips, walking onto new worlds, doing everything together.
The golden girl being torn away from him.
Rose…
He thought of Mickey first because it hurt less. He smelled of pickles, and the Doctor gave a bit of a chuckle at that. He smelled of soap and stout and hundreds of other things that were essentially Mickey. He even smelled of Rose. Then there was Jackie whose sting he could still feel on his cheek. Her scent was the closest to Rose's. She was older, and the world had broken her a bit, but she was brave and kind and she loved her daughter beyond measure. Her daughter, her Rose.
Rose. Rose. Rose. She was the sun. She was the spring with all the life that it brought. She smelled of chocolate and apples and sweat and him and love. Why did this one little girl matter so much to him? He, who has lived a thousand lifetimes. He, who controlled the whole of time and space. He missed her with a feeling that was almost beyond pain. Was she safe in her world? Did she think about him? Was she fantastic and brilliant and all the things he wished for her? He so fiercely hoped that her life was magnificent. His last memory of her is her weeping on that beach. "I love you" she said, and he was too slow. He should have said it back right away. "Rose Tyler, I" and then he faded away, weeping as she was. Why didn't he tell her when he had her with him? When she came back for him. When she stayed with him. "Forever" she had said. Forever wasn't enough.
He sat on her bed and pulled her pillow to his face. This was something that he didn't allow himself to indulge in. He didn't allow himself to pine for Rose. He knew it would hurt Martha, and he loved Martha, just not the way she wanted and deserved to be loved. With Jack here it was too much like the old times, when he wore leather and another face, except Rose wasn't here to share in it. She wasn't here to dance.
He inhaled: chocolate, apples, toothpaste, soap, dirt, sunshine, green grass, red flowers, chips, fear, joy, sorrow, cotton, lip gloss, mascara, tea, oranges, music, dancing, the Tardis, the ocean, tears, him, love, love, love.
He smiled into her pillow. She was living a brilliant life, he knew that. Even without him his Rose would prevail. She was strong, and courageous, and full of life. She had so much love and empathy for everyone and everything in this universe, any universe. He knew in his hearts that she was fantastic. He was going to live a fantastic life for her too. After everything he'd been through: being the last of his kind, seeing his world end, defeating the daleks over and over again, his year with the Master, losing companion after companion, it was all behind him now. He was going to find enough joy and excitement in this universe for the both of them. After a few minutes he put the pillow down and slowly walked out of her room.
One more breath… sunshine… Rose Tyler… I love you."