She Was Stained by His Love
seriesfanatic
A.N: The song is "Breathe" by Anna Nalick. I do not own any characters or the song used to create this song fiction. I apologize for my lack of updates but reality gets in the way. Also, I've gone through some emotional turmoil so this could get slightly interesting while it lasts. Enjoy and review. Reece
2 AM and she calls me Cuz I'm still awake…
The annoying sound of her cell phone, once again, interrupted ADA Casey Novak from, yet another, restless night filled with paperwork.
"Casey Novak." She answered, with the slightest amount of agitation in her voice.
"Hey, Casey, it's Olivia. Do you want to come over and talk?" Casey glanced to her desk that was cluttered with papers. She considered declining for a moment, but knew that there had to be a substantial reason Olivia needed to talk.
"Sure. I'll be there soon." Olivia mumbled out a thank you and a farewell before hanging up the phone.
Casey quickly considered what could be troubling Olivia, but failed to come up with an answer. She had been in a steady relationship for a good five months now, but that didn't really mean anything for Liv. It wasn't necessarily a hurdle if a relationship was never permanent. She grabbed her coat and locked the door behind her as she left the office.
Olivia anxiously waited for Casey to knock on the door. The knocking came softly, but Olivia jumped from her couch and across the three foot gap between the piece of furniture and the door, and threw it open. Casey could see the look of anxiety and insomnia on her friend's eyes.
"What's going on, Liv?" Casey asked as she entered the apartment without a formal greeting. Olivia led her to the couch and sat cross-legged. She reached to the coffee table for one of the multitude of half empty beer bottles that sat there among the empty cartons of ice cream.
"I broke up with my boyfriend. He didn't want to leave so we talked…and ate." She explained as Casey looked to the coffee table and the mess that had been created on it. Olivia was high on alcohol and sugar.
…can you help me unravel my latest mistake, I don't love him…
"Oh, Olivia, you two were so cute together." Casey replied to the explanation. It was a lie. Despite the possible impact the relationship had on Olivia's psyche, Casey had never thought that Nick was good enough for her compassionate co-worker.
"I didn't love him." Olivia stated simply, forcing herself not to flinch at the concept of love. Casey smiled and stated just as simply,
"Of course you didn't." Olivia eyed her suspiciously, knowing full well where she was going with this. "You haven't loved anyone since you entered the SVU." Olivia glared at her and threw a throw pillow in her friend's face.
…winter just wasn't my season…
Casey, once again, began to lecture her on how in love she was with her partner, Elliot Stabler. Olivia had zoned out and was in a deep reverie.
…yeah we walk through the doors…
Olivia walked into the one-six for her first day as a detective. Her excitement was evident, despite the serious front she had attempted to build. She was sure that the on-looking detectives would see her as green, or naïve, or something equally offensive to her dedication to the police force.
As she continued to walk past detectives and desks of papers she could see feel all the eyes focus on her. Irritation and emptiness filled them, and bore into her. She started to regret the decision of joining this unit at the thought of taking the place of a loved cop.
…so accusing their eyes, like they have any right at all to criticize, hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason…
Olivia looked forward and read a closed office door; 'Captain Donald Cragen'. She nodded to herself and headed, determined, towards the room. Moments before her hand reached for the door a man stood before her, blocking her way.
"May I help you?" The man asked.
"I'm Olivia Benson. I'm looking for Captain Cragen? I'm the replacement." She said shyly.
"Oh!" He exclaimed. "Nice to meet you, I'm detective John Munch. I don't think Cap is too busy right now, go on in." He stood to the side of the door and Olivia reached for it. Seconds before she entered John Munch whispered in her, "Make a good impression." And he walked off.
"What do you want?" A voice bellowed as Olivia entered the small room.
…Cuz you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable, and life's like an hourglass, glued to the table…
She looked around the room quickly, taking everything in. The awards of this accomplished police officer were hung to her left. To her right was a cot that told her that his dedication probably outstood her own. He sat a large wooden desk only slightly covered with memorabilia. She caught a quick glimpse of a photo of her new captain and a woman who she could only assume was his wife. She wanted to ask him about her but small talk seemed to be obsolete here. She saw the bald man look to her.
"Who are you?" He asked, honestly confused.
"Olivia Benson." She reached out to shake his hand, but he ignored it.
"Thank God for you!" He exclaimed as he jumped from his desk. A new and unnamable emotion formed in his previously hollow eyes. "Follow me." He rushed past her and out the ajar door.
Olivia in tow, Cragen walked to Detective Elliot Stabler's desk. His cluttered workspace faced an empty one. Elliot looked up to see a beautiful woman standing beside his captain. He shook his head slightly and shook out the cobwebs that were clouding the thought of his family at home.
"Who's your friend?" He asked, lightheartedly.
"Actually, she's your friend." Elliot looked confused. "This is Detective Olivia Benson, you're new partner." Elliot's face half fell, half brightened at the news. He stood and outstretched his arm to her.
"Nice to meet you, I'm Elliot." She didn't really know what to say as she looked into the cerulean eyes of her new partner. She had noticed that he outstretched his right hand, but she also noticed the gleam being reflected from his left. It was strange to her that he wouldn't have extended his left ring finger, if only to show her that he was truly off limits.
She had hoped to give him a firm handshake, but between his eyes and his soft, yet booming, voice she could barely even grip his hand in hers. He didn't seem to notice, so for that she was thankful.
"Olivia?" Casey said, exasperated. "Are you even listening to me?" Olivia looked to her after appearing to be mesmerized by the Chunky Monkey ice cream container on the table.
"Yeah, of course I am."
"No you weren't." Casey smiled. "If you get me something to drink I can tell you again." Olivia looked at her skeptically.
"If I get you ice cream will you never tell me again?" Casey contemplated the offer, then agreed. Olivia rose to her feet to retrieve the final canister of ice cream hidden in the back of her apartment freezer.
She returned to the couch with the ice cream and two spoons. There was no need to dirty too many dishes for a little late night gorging of junk food.
"You were thinking about him weren't you?" Casey lightly accused.
"That depends. Which him are you referring to?" Casey looked to her and Olivia surrendered.
"Yeah." She said with a girly smile emerging on her face. Casey kindly scoffed and took the first spoonful of ice cream off of the flat substance.
…no one can find the rewind button, girl, so cradle your head in your hands, and breathe, just breathe, oh breathe, just breathe…
"So, which memory was on your mind while you broke if off with Nick?" Olivia looked up slightly to Casey.
"The first time Elliot asked me to drinks." The way they talked about him made it seem as thought he had died, or was in witness protection. No, the only problem with Elliot Stabler was his dedication to his ex-wife and family. She admired the man she spent her days with, but the nights she spent alone made her wonder about her own dedication.
"You wanna tell me about it?"
Olivia was slightly confused. "What do you mean?"
"Do you want to vent? Tell me a story, add some dramatic details that didn't actually happen for the sake of conversation."
"Well…" Olivia started. "We had been working a case and we had been to question a rapist's first victim. She was a Muslim woman who had been raped, beaten and tortured by this man. We had innocently suggested that she might have been responsible for his death. When she turned around her face was a sight." Olivia lost her breath at the memory.
It had been her first experience, and the worst. The children cases were hard on everyone, but this particular victim stood out in her mind. "She was blind, the scars still evident on her face. She had been degraded to use a wheelchair everywhere she went. Her father was forced to take care of her. She had everything taken away from her by a perfect stranger. I couldn't handle it. Thankfully, Elliot realized how hard I was taking it. We pardoned ourselves and left." She paused, remembering how much she hated the memory, and she questioned the reasoning behind telling her friend about it.
…may he turn twenty-one on the base at Fort Bliss, "just a day" he said down the flask in his fist…
"I ended up throwing up in a dumpster next to an apartment down the street. Elliot was just leaning up against the car, cool and casual, like this was just another case. I mean, it was just another case, just another day, but still, I hated him in that moment."
Casey's eyes widened in sarcastic disbelief at the thought of Olivia and Elliot being mad at one another. "Say it ain't so."
Olivia looked to her. "Get a life."
"So, when did he ask you for drinks?"
"I'm getting to that." Olivia answered exasperated. "I told him that I was going to take myself off the case. He told me that if I was to do that, it would be as good as being taken out of the unit. I didn't want to believe him, but his eyes held the knowledge that I hadn't even begun to understand. He told me he'd drive me home but I told him I wanted to walk. I honestly didn't, but he had a family and I didn't want to be what he was thinking about." She realized how true that statement was only after she had said it. She had never wanted to fall for him, and more importantly, she had never wanted him to fall for her.
Casey looked to Olivia, not understanding why this memory stuck out in her mind. If it had been a romantic moment, a plate of spaghetti in an Italian restaurant, a night of drinking in her apartment living area, something along those acceptable boundaries. As Olivia had broke up with the next best thing in her life, she had thought about the most heinous crimes in the criminal justice system. She had thought about the first time Elliot had judged her.
"That night, when I had settled into bed wearing my sweats and a tank top, the damn phone rang." Olivia smiled and lightly laughed. "I answered it with a swear word and Elliot's voice sounded so soft. He asked me to meet him on my front steps. I did. When I saw him he had a six pack in his hands. I invited him up but he declined, saying he'd rather be in the heart of the city. So, to Times Square we went." Olivia went into a rambling of the sights, the smells, the feelings deep within her, as the two of them had walked down those city streets side by side, like partners should be.
"When we reached the park and sat down I realized that he had already finished off a second six pack that was in a paper bag. I asked him if he was an alcoholic. He told me that he wasn't and that he just needed some way to vent without putting the pressures of the job on his wife. He loved her so much, and he still does."
Casey nodded in agreement, wondering where exactly this story was going. Whether it had an ending, or if it was simply a narrative. Something to entertain you but nothing ever actually happened.
"He told me how hard this job was, not only on rookies. The child cases would be the worst. The cases I could relate to would make me question the reason I took this job in the first place. And the cases I couldn't understand, the people I couldn't read, would be the reason I stayed. I didn't believe a word of what he said. I told him that I didn't want to talk about me or the job or the case load. I asked him about himself.
"He told me that the hard cases always led him to the bar, or to his partner's front steps with beers from the nearest party store. He had taken the job years ago but it hadn't been since the October of the previous year that he had found the most dependable way to forget about the job for a few hours."
…"ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year"…
"It was amazing how well I thought I knew this perfect stranger. I knew that this job was going to be the most treacherous thing I could ever encounter. I knew that the cases, the victims, the interrogations…it was all going to wear me down. It had been tearing down Elliot's front, breaking up his family, ripping out his stomach, and poking holes in his faith. I knew it would do the equivalent to me."
…here in town you can see he's been down for a while…
"I told him he had an excellent way of helping someone get over a case. I joked about how I suddenly understood why he couldn't keep a partner. He laughed, his entire face laughed. I looked into his eyes and knew that I couldn't leave. I was scared to death of what this job would show me, what the guys would show me, and what I would show them…what I would trust him to know. I wanted to touch him, wanted him to take me in his arms. I didn't even know who he was, but I needed to trust him. I needed to trust him enough so he could trust me. It didn't make any sense at the time, and it doesn't now."
…but, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles, wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it…
"Casey?" Casey looked up to her, her green eyes thinly lined in red. "Casey, are you crying?" Olivia asked with true sincerity.
"It's beautiful."
"I hope that you're not being sarcastic."
"I'm not trying to be."
Olivia smiled and wrapped her arms around Casey. She didn't know why she had called her friend here, but it was too late. It was too late to ask her to leave, and it was too late to ask him to stay.
…Cuz you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable, and life's like and hourglass glued to the table…
"Hey, Olivia?"
"Yeah?"
"Maybe you should call Elliot the next time you need to talk."
"You want me to tell him that I remember nearly every moment we have spent together?" Olivia asked confused.
"No, but…he needs to know that he's not just your partner."
"For what? To wreck our partnership? To loose our jobs?"
"So you can be happy. So he can be happy. Olivia, he's miserable without Kathy. He needs you nearly as much as you've always needed him. It just took him a little longer to realize how wonderful you really are." Casey laid a hand on Olivia's cheek. "He needs to know before it's too late."
"Are you trying to tell me something?" Olivia asked, slightly jolted at the thought that something terrible, or something irreversible, was about to happen. "I'm just saying that no one waits for something that isn't there."
…no one can find the rewind button, boys, so cradle your head in your hands, and breathe, just breathe, oh breathe, just breathe…
Casey stood to leave and Olivia didn't stop her.
When the door clicked shut, Olivia laid back on her couch and let her memories lull her to sleep.
"The protective detail didn't come from the FBI. It came from detective Elliot Stabler." The suit informed Olivia. Her eyes burned a hole through the man's chest before she turned around. She stormed off and she no longer felt the eyes of the two details on her. She reached Elliot's home that he shared with Kathy.
"Olivia? What's going on?"
"Only the rats put cops on other cops."
"I didn't tell you about the detail because I knew you'd refuse."
"If you can't trust your partner, Elliot, it's time to get a new one."
Elliot hadn't given up on her, and she knew, even as she threw the words at him, that he never would. Elliot would be there for her no matter what.
…there's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout Cuz you' re just as far in as you'll ever be out…
"You can do the right thing, I didn't. I made that choice with Ryan and it was wrong."
"Elliot."
"It was my fault. Don't do it."
"Don't make that mistake."
"I would have done the same thing."
"Don't make my mistake." A slight bang outside shocked Gitano, but barely penetrated the ears of Elliot and Olivia.
"Drop it! Drop the gun! Drop it now! Put the gun down now! You cops don't come in here! Or everybody dies! Hey. Hey! Hey! I'll tell you where she is."
"Where?"
"She's in a van, parked in Newark she might still be alive."
"He's lying."
"I know."
"He's never gonna tell us."
"You're right."
"We can all walk out of here alive if you just put the gun down."
"It's alright." Elliot whispered.
…and these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again, if you only try turning around…
The sun had risen for the new day. Olivia awoke to the annoying sound of her phone at five in the morning. She didn't answer it but Elliot's voice rang through the apartment.
"Olivia, it's your daily wake up call." He paused and Olivia put a pillow over her face. "Wake up!" The words echoed through the phone. "Wake up, wake up. Olivia? You're not dead are you?" He asked jokingly Olivia couldn't help but laugh. "Olivia, if you don't pick up this damn phone I'm sending the rat squad after you." She finally caved
"Elliot, how in the hell are you so perky at this hour?"
"Because, I know you're waiting for my call." Whether the flirtation was sarcastic or sentimental, Olivia couldn't be sure.
Olivia quickly threw her clothes on and grabbed all of her belongings that she continually took to work with her. She reached the bottom step when she heard a honk blaring at her. When she looked up with fire in her eyes she saw Elliot waiting in his shitty car waiting for her.
Elliot watched as Olivia shrugged her coat higher on her shoulders. Despite the season they were in, it was cold as anything that morning.
"So, how was your night?"
"Short." Elliot looked at her and his eyes asked the question he didn't feel like asking. "Me and Nick broke up and Casey came over and we talked for a while."
"How long is a while?" Elliot asked as he pulled the car back onto the road from the area he had pulled into.
"Until about three-thirty."
"You knew you had work in the morning." He accused, then joked, "Didn't your mother ever tell you that you shouldn't have friends on work nights?"
"No, she told me not to have friends on school nights."
"Same thing."
"Well…" She tried to reason. "If you're so worried about work then why in the hell aren't you speeding to the station?"
"Because I want to lull you to sleep so I can watch you drool on my window after watching the city streets pass you."
"I will never understand you, Elliot Stabler." The truth was, she never would. Despite the number of days, countless interrogations, and the thought of being like two gears working together, she would never be one with detective Elliot Stabler.
…2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song…
Olivia was back in her apartment that night. Her brown eyes were thickly lined with red. The coffee table was cluttered with empty ice cream cartons and empty beer bottles. Some beer had been spilled and dried which held the whole mess together. The couch still had her indentation from where she had fallen asleep. The clock read two in the morning but she didn't call Casey this time. Instead, she took her advice.
…if I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to…
"Hi, you've reached Elliot Stabler. I'm not able to come to the phone right now, but if you leave a message I will get back to you as soon as possible." The tone sounded.
"Elliot, you'll never hear this, but I need to tell you…"
…and I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd…
Olivia paused and the silence of the apartment took her, and the phone call, over. "Elliot, I have loved you since the first day I saw you. I knew that I could trust you the first time you told me your name. I wanted to kiss you the first time you told me how in love you were with Kathy…"
…Cuz these words are my diary, screaming out loud…
"And I only wish that I hadn't waited. I will never be able to touch you. I will never be able to hold you. I will never be able to love you the way I always wanted. Elliot, I love you, and I always will."
…and I know that you'll use them, however you want to…
It had been nothing new as the drive to work continued. Olivia told Elliot a lie about what she and Casey had discussed because he couldn't know the truth.
…but you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable…
It had been nothing new as the drive to the crime scene emerged. Olivia read Elliot the case synopsis as he drove the police cruiser to where the victim lay in her blood.
…and life's like an hourglass, glued to the table…
It had only been new when the perpetrator lunged at the police.
"Don't touch her! You'll hurt her!" He was crazy, and that was evident to everyone. "No! You don't love her like I love her! Let her go! Please, just let her go." His voice boomed, even as it faded.
"Sir, please, we need you to go with these police officers." Elliot told the man covered in the victims blood. She realized that maybe they hadn't known that he was the perpetrator. Maybe they hadn't known it was the victims blood. But that crime scene became a dual one.
…no one can find the rewind button now, sing if you understand…
Elliot's calming voice stopped as Olivia ducked under the caution tape that roped off the pool of blood. As she ducked under the thin, dark line that separated her life from her job.
…and breathe, just breathe…
She turned as she heard the gasp for air. She turned as she felt the change in the atmosphere as he fell to the ground.
…whoa breathe, just breathe…
She ran to his side as the thud echoed. She ran to his side as the first officers on the scene restrained the perpetrator. She ran to his side as the crowd went wild.
…oh breathe, just breathe…
She tore the knife out of his chest and applied all of her weight to the hole. She felt his heart slowly losing it's beat. She felt the city start losing it's sound. She felt herself start losing her mind.
"Olivia."
"Shut up!" She screamed. "Don't…just shut up!"
Elliot smiled. "The child cases will be the worst." He coughed up a small amount of blood. "The cases you relate to will make you wonder why you took this job." He paused and took in a deep breath. "And the cases you can't explain. The people you can't read, they will be the reason you stay."
Olivia cried. She openly cried. "And this one?"
"This is one that you can't explain."
"I can't do this without you."
"You'll survive."
"Elliot, I--" His eyes closed "No! You bastard, stay awake! Elliot!" She shook him while keeping the pressure on his chest.
Her fingers were stained in his blood. Her mind was stained in his memory. Her heart was stained with his loss. She crashed her lips to his. Her lips were stained in his death.
The ambulance pulled into the small alley and she was thrown from his cold form. She licked her lips and tasted him, tasted the part of him she had never wanted.
"It might be too late! Hurry up, get him to St Mary's!" One of the blurs yelled. The multitude of others flew the gurney to the ambulance. She couldn't move to ride with him.
"Breathe damn, it." She whispered. "I love you."
…oh breathe, just breathe…
Samantha D Peters - 2007 - age 14
A.N. Again, song owned by Anna Nalick, plot owned by me, characters owned by Dick Wolf and Neal Baer, and the bold italics in the middle of the story are scenes from actual episodes, the first I don't know the episode but the second if Fault (surprise). Feedback is wondrous, and I hope to get more updates soon. Sorry for the delay.
"She didn't want to face everything that had come between them. Life, for example."
--"For All of This" Breigh