Hello,
I literally wrote this in an afternoon, and it's kind of a vent piece. It's a text that's pretty personal to me (yeah, even though it's a fanfic, I know) so I'm a bit embarrassed about it, but well... I hope you enjoy nonetheless.
- Sarah
The one time Jesse McCree didn't say "I love you"
Part I of (Don't) let go
When he starts working for Blackwatch, Jesse often gets told he's still a kid. He's seventeen, sure, but he still has that childish way of protesting orders for the sake of protesting them, and he's kept that youthful innocence in spite of all he's been through since he joined the Deadlock gang. Another subject on which the boy's still naive is love; he's never given it much thought. To be honest, it's a bit hard to listen to your heart when you're fourteen and fighting for your life everyday; it's not that Jesse doesn't do feelings, it's that he's never had time to explore them.
He thinks it's about to change when he meets Lena Oxton- or Tracer, as everyone else calls her. The first thing he notices about the girl who's introduced as a pilot is her smile, brighter than the North Star. Her eyes twinkle as they shake hands, and she leaves Jesse with a faint blush on his cheeks. Jesse doesn't get to see her as much as he'd like to, given that she's in an intensive training program to join Overwatch, but he makes the most of the time they do get to spend together. They like to climb up Lena's favorite spot in the Gibraltar base, and to simply lie down next to each other until it's too cold to stay outside.
Things end up escalating, and they kiss, one warm July evening. For once, Lena wears a red sundress instead of her training uniform, and Jesse has let his armor in his room. Their lips meets in a natural motion, as they lay facing each other. Jesse can feel himself burning from the inside, and he's only brought back to reality by Lena's cheery laugh. She presses close against him, and he holds her tight.
After that evening, they jump the gun. Two days after their first kiss, they're awkwardly slamming the door of Lena's room open, before collapsing on the bed, heavily breathing into each other's neck. Lena's underneath Jesse, who grinds his halfhard member into her hip, trying to find relief and intimacy in the sweet friction. He doesn't penetrate her, on that night- he never will. They quickly get naked, and spend the night exploring each other's body, letting their hands run on the unfamiliar territory. Jesse watches as Lena brings herself to orgasm, her frail fingers working furiously on her core as she shuts her eyes and moans wordlessly. After she's done, her juices moistening the bedsheets, she wraps her hands around Jesse's cock, with a look that reads more curiosity than affection. She pumps slowly, as if she's afraid she'll hurt the cowboy. But with ragged breath, he urges her to keep on, and she does, until he's spilling in her hand, moaning countless "I love you"s.
They fall asleep in each other's arms, and Lena's still there when Jesse wakes up. But there's something off about her that day. She looks confused, distant. Jesse's terrified he's hurt her- after all, she does have a bruise on one hip, and scratch marks on her back. But she assures him he didn't do anything wrong to her, and he can feel the sincerity in her voice. He'll understand in a few years, when she'll come out to her closest friends with tears in her chocolate eyes; but for now, Jesse's confused, and he leaves the room when the silence between them becomes too unbearable.
On the way back to his room, he literally bumps into an Overwatch recruit he doesn't know, but he doesn't apologize for fear of his voice trembling too much.
They stay friends, very good friends even, but he never tastes her lips again.
It takes a while for Jesse to recover from his first dip into the world of romance.
He's not ever sure he'll ever get over Lena- now, he understands why people are so emotional about first love and make it out to be a great deal. But for the sake of his sanity and his job, he closes that chapter of his life, and all of that romantic nonsense fades away until he meets Genji Shimada.
He first hears of Genji by Angela, the new medic and one of Jesse's friends. He's one of her patients, a young Japanese ninja who has been beaten to death and whom she barely freed from Death's merciless claws. Jesse learns by Gabriel that Angela hugely underestimated her importance in the project; she turned the man into an hybrid between human and machine, going to incredible lengths to save his life.
Needless to say, Jesse's rather excited when he finally gets to meet the famous Genji, and he's not disappointed. He's faced with a literal cyborg, a being whose entire right side is covered in metal plates and wires, including his face. On the other side, his left arm and upper torso are naked, exposing scarred skin. His left eye burns with an intense glare, one that has Jesse quivering.
Genji joins Blackwatch, and no one really gets along with him. Although he's a force to be reckoned with on the field, the ninja's attitude drives pretty much everyone away from him. He's impulsive, agressive and more often than not, rude. Jesse guesses he'd be pretty pissed too if his body was in such a state, especially if it was because of his brother.
(Genji doesn't talk about his family much, except to insult them. That's one thing they have in common, Jesse figures.)
Jesse ends up being the only one who can tolerate Genji outside of missions, and from there, they form a pretty solid bond. The cowboy won't admit it, but he finds his heart beating faster when his partner comes closer to him.
One evening, they drink. They drink far more than usual, the weight of their previous mission pushing them to fill their bodies with liquid amnesia. Jesse's brain is slowed down by the alcohol in his system when they leave the shady bar to head to their room, but he's not drunk enough to ever forget how Genji's lips suddenly felt pressing against his. They're chapped, and vaguely taste of metal- or blood, Jesse can't tell. Their kiss is rough, tongues and teeth clashing together in a strange blend of lust and anger.
When they reach their shared room, Jesse had barely time to catch his breath before his pants are yanked away and his shirt ripped open. He can't really reciprocate, but his lets his hands linger on Genji's metallic parts, hoping his partner'll get the hint. The ninja does, and with soft hissing sounds he removes his belly and crotch protections. Jesse hungrily licks his lips, but before he can't explore the newly exposed flesh Genji dips between his legs, nibbling the skin on his way to the cowboy's shaft. He shots his friend a hungry look before licking the underside of his member, drawing cries of pleasure from Jesse. It's his first time getting sucked off, and the sensations are almost too much; Genji's tongue on the sensitive skin, Genji's organic hand on his hip, Genji's metallic prosthetic digging in his thigh, Genji's red eye rivated on him, Genji, Genji. Jesse doesn't last long, and within instants he's spilling inside of Genji's mouth, drunkely blubbering how much he loves him.
The ninja makes a show of swallowing Jesse's seed, before pushing him on the bed and grinding their hips together, until he comes too, Jesse still mumbling under him.
It becomes sort of a habit after their missions. Jesse's no fool, he knows they fuck more than they make love. But he still says it, everytime, only to get shut up by a kiss.
And one day, it stops.
Genji stops pushing him against the nearest wall when they're back from a mission. Later, Jesse will notice the changes coincide with Genji's budding friendship with an Omnic monk; but for now, he's simply confused, and hurt. After a while, Genji apologizes, a long shameful rant about using Jesse in ways he should never have. The only things that stops Genji's heartfelt apology is Commander Morrison intruding on them. Although the handsome soldier quickly excuses himself and leaves, his arrival troubles Genji enough for Jesse to tell him he has understood.
And, in the end, Jesse forgives him. Genji is relieved.
They stay friends, very good friends even, but he never feels the intoxicating mixture of metal and flesh against his skin again.
It's different to let go this time.
With Lena, he had hoped she reciprocated his feelings, but he knew Genji didn't. That doesn't make it much easier, but still, it helps.
Angela helps, too. She's noticed that Jesse's been feeling down, and being the good friend she is, she has offered to take his mind off things. When Jesse's not on a mission, he spends an important part of his time in the medical bay. Angela lectures him on his smoking habits, but her words on the subject always sound hollow. Besides, as Jesse retorts, they both know she'll always patch him up, no matter how disastrous his injuries get.
She explains him a lot. About her job, about the contact with sick or miserable people, about the human body. She puts complicated concepts in simple words, words he's able to understand. Jesse's thankful she doesn't take him for an idiot, like so many people before her have.
And with all the time they spend together, there's one thing that becomes clear as day. Angela is head over heels for Jack Morrison. She doesn't talk about him often, but when she does, it's with soft eyes and and admirative tone. When he drops by the medical bay, her pale cheeks become flushed, and her azure eyes sparkle with newfound life. For the first time in his life, Jesse understands what feeling jealous is truly like. An invisible hand claws at his insides when he sees the way Angela looks at her superior, how physically close she gets to him. He knows it's childish and ridiculous, but every time he passes by the Strike Commander, he doesn't even look at him or returns his greetings.
One night, he finds Angela crying in the medbay, sat on the edge of a bed. Her mascara is running under her puffy eyes, and snot is trickling down her face, along with noisy tears. Immediatly, Jesse sits next to her, hugging her close to his chest without saying anything. It's not difficult to guess what put her in such a state; after all, everyone in the base already knows about Commander Reyes and Strike Commander Morrison being caught in a very compromising situation just a few hours ago.
They don't need words. After a while, Angela has calmed down. Jesse's chest is damp with her tears, but he doesn't care.
His shirt still smells like her the day after, the very day she asks him out. He's taken by surprise, but he accepts, although he knows exactly what to expect of their relationship- that is to say, not much. He notices that Angela tends to hold his hand much more when Morrison or Reyes are nearby, that when she kisses him her eyes are squeezed shut, as if to block him out of her view and her mind. That when he's buried deep inside of her, he doesn't read his name on her lips. He doesn't mind- at least, that's what he tries to implant in his brain. After all, they're still very good friends who understand each other; it just so happens that now, they're also kissing, holding hands, hugging and fucking. He uses the opportunity to tell Angela how much he loves her, how beautiful and clever she is- because it's the truth, and he wishes she'd know that.
It's not Angela who ends their relationship, nor is it Jesse. It's Gabriel Reyes, who one day goes to the medic to pour his disgust out. He doesn't know Jesse's behind the door and hears everything, from his boss' angry yelling to Angela's broken sobs and excuses. His heart sinks when he hears Morrison's voice, trying to calm Reyes down while explaining to Angela just how badly she's acting. Years later, Mercy will apologize with heartbreaking sincerity, afraid that she could never repair the damage she'd done to Jesse. Jesse will be quick to embrace her shaky form and to correct her. But for now, Jesse's angry, confused, and deeply wouned. He has tears in his eyes, tears of rage and disgust, and he runs away like a coward.
They don't stay friends, because there's a terrible accident before he and Angela can have a talk about everything. Overwatch dies, and so do a lot of people, including Gabriel Reyes and Jack Morrison. Jesse seizes the opportunity to leave everything behind him, not looking back.
McCree spends five years on his own, a gun for hire with no goal nor destination. He's given up on love and friendship- that's what he tells himself everyday before going to sleep, to make loneliness easier and to avoid going insane.
It all comes crashing down when he recieves a call. He's walking on Route 66, on a hot June day. He hears some static, coming from one of his trousers' pockets. He frantically rumages through it, before retrieving a small device long forgotten. It's a tiny earpiece, black with an infamous red logo. In disbelief, he places the device in his ear, and Winston's voice reaches him. He talks about the world being in danger and in desperate need for heroes. McCree laughs at how much of a terrible idea it is for him to recall former Overwatch agents, but he decides to join his old friend. With all the bounty hunters who have begun to hound him, it's a matter of time before he bites the bullet anyways; he might as well die a hero rather than a bandit wanted for crimes he didn't commit.
When he reaches the rendez-vous point, four days later, he's happy to find he's not the only one to have answered the call. Of course, Lena's already there, and she jumps into McCree's arms as soon as he crosses her line of sight. She's as cheerful as always, and it warms the cowboy's heart to see that some things simply don't change.
To his surprise, Genji is here too. Gone is his dark half armor from his Blackwatch days; he's now bearing a light suit with green accents. He salutes McCree with respect and joy, and introduces him properly to Zenyatta, his old Omnic friend.
There are other familiar faces, but also people McCree has never seen. One of them catches his eye, an archer who looks around his age. The man gives off an austere aura, as if he's carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. He stands straight, always with a stern look and reserved attitude. Genji must have noticed the way McCree looks at the stranger, because he takes it upon himself to introduce them to each other. Turns out the stern archer is Genji's older brother, Hanzo, which leaves McCree speechless. Genji's spat so much venom about Hanzo that it's weird to see him act nice to him.
The following days are a bit hectic, but McCree finds a routine of sorts. He's never been one to settle for a humdrum routine, but after five years on the run and never knowing what tomorrow may bring, it's enjoyable to settle into a routine for a little while. He spends his afternoons in the old shooting range, often joined by Hanzo. As expected, the Japanese warrior is pretty grumpy, but they bond over what little they have in common. They speak of various subjects, but never of important ones.
McCree can't help but be impressed by Hanzo's perfect aim: the archer never misses the center of the target. The cowboy catches himself stealing glances at Hanzo's hands, calloused with years of archery. He ponders idly about how the callouses would feel against his skin, he wonders if Hanzo would be as skilled playing with McCree's body as he is with his ark.
He looses control, one day. Hanzo looks too damn attractive, the setting sun surrounding him with an almost celestial aura.
McCree's got self control, but he remains human. In a flash, Hanzo lies on the ground, a flushed cowboy on top of him, amber eyes hungrily looking at his lips. McCree tells him he loves him, his voice low but seeming so loud in the empty room. He expects Hanzo to push him away in disgust, but the archer simply sighs. He holds a hand out, gently cupping McCree's cheek. But the cowboy realizes the gesture is much more fraternal than it is romantic.
"You do not love me."
It is not a reproach, simply a statement. And McCree doesn't deny the archer's words, but he wants to believe they're wrong, that it's Hanzo's way to refuse his advances. Before he can fully understand his own emotions, tears begin to fall from his eyes and onto Hanzo's face. McCree mumbles a vague apology, before rushing out of the room.
Hanzo doesn't follow him.
The last time he has cried that hysterically, he was seventeen and had just been thrown into a truck by a mean looking Latino soldier. His vision is blurry, but he manages to climb on top of the Watchpoint's roof. He knows he won't be disturbed there; even though it was his and Lena's spot, right now Tracer is probably too busy chatting with other people to decide to hang out there too.
He doesn't know how much time he spends there, but when he finally stops crying, the sun has long been gone. The moon is shining in the night sky, surrounded by countless stars.
McCree feels empty and numb like never before. He doesn't hold Hanzo responsible; if anything, he's grateful. He doesn't want to start a new relationship that would end in tears and regrets immediatly after.
He takes a deep breath, and is about to go back to his room when he hears step behind him.
"We were lookin' for you."
McCree sighs. Soldier 76 isn't exactly the person he wanted to see right now. He doesn't know anything about the man, doesn't even know what he looks like, as for some reason, the man never takes his visor off. He follows the man nonetheless, and is surprised when he feels a pair of strong arms wrap around him. There's silence between the two men, but 76 manages to convey a lot in his awkward hug. Something about the situation makes McCree's heart ache, but he's unable to say what.
The following days are less awful than he expected. Hanzo acts as if nothing had happened, which McCree is thankful for. The only change is 76's attitude towards him. The usually gruff man seems to be nicer towards him, which McCree finds a welcome change.
The cowboy's little routine is quickly broken, though, when Talon strikes. Luckily, the criminal organisation has underestimated the new Overwatch, and the group of heroes manage to bring their enemy down. Their only casuality would have been McCree, had 76 not pushed him to the ground, taking a literal bullet for the cowboy.
McCree's the first Angela lets visit 76. He notices the medic's eyes are red, and that she seems elsewhere. But his priority is to thank the nameless soldier, and he does so in his own way- which means it involves a lot of self deprecation.
But Soldier is having none of that.
"Shut up. Why the hell are you talking about yourself like that?"
"Cause it's true."
76's face is hidden by his visor, but McCree can feel the intensity of the man's stare beneath the mask. The soldier grabs his wrist, and holds it tight.
"You're much more than a useless runt, Jesse. I wish you'd see that."
McCree is surprised by both the use of his first name and the man's soft tone. 76 lets his hand slide from McCree's wrist to the back of his hand, and they stay in silence for a while. It's a nice kind of silence, one that leaves them in peace and comfort. Neither feel like talking, and they don't need to.
The cowboy leaves when other visitors come. There's something he can't shake off after their encounter, a feeling of nostalgia that grabs him at the throat.
He visits 76 every day until his wound is fully healed. The soldier never removes his visor, but McCree doesn't care. He doesn't need to see the man's face; hearing him talk is enough. McCree feels at ease with the soldier, and when they're together 76 seems to drop the grumpy old man act. It's as if being alone with the other allowed them to be their true selves- which isn't far from the truth.
Several months and many missions pass before McCree gets to see the soldier's face. They're on a mission together, plus Reinhardt and Lúcio. Both Soldier and the young medic end up wounded; Reinhardt and McCree have to carry them back to the safety of their chopper. 76's broken visor falls down during the flight, and McCree's heart drops at the same time that the broken pieces of the old man's mask.
His skin is wrinkled, and two huge scars spread across Soldier's face, but McCree has no doubt. He's looking at Jack Morrison.
McCree doesn't get to dwindle on the matter for long, because the scope is blaring its alarm. A quick glance tells him that 76's vitals are dangerously low, and all of a sudden, he flatlines. Cursing, McCree wastes no time. He straddles the old Commander's body and begins a cardiac massage, trying to keep a steady rythm. The ride to the base seems to last forever, and when Mercy rushes to the rescue, the cowboy lets out a sigh he didn't realize he had been holding.
But it's only when Mercy announces that Soldier is out of danger that McCree feels completely relieved and fully realizes that the man whose life he just saved was Jack Morrison, Overwatch's poster boy and hero. He spends a long time wondering how he managed to miss such an important fact. He should have figured out.
He understands Mercy's attitude now, back on the day 76- no, Jack took a bullet for him.
McCree's the first person Morrison sees when he wakes up.
The old man groans when he realizes his features are bared, but before he can say anything, he feels strong arms wrap around him. Jesse's holding on tight, his face buried in Jack's chest. The old soldier reciprocates the hug.
The pair stay tied to each other for a long time, but they don't care. They have each other, and it's all that matters.
Later, Soldier will give explanations. He'll tell about the last five years, the anger and resentment, the hatred and bitterness.
Later, Jesse will sneak into the medbay to spend the night with Jack.
Later, they'll talk about everything and anything, about Gabriel Reyes and Reaper, and how to get him back- if they can get him back.
Later, Jesse will fall asleep in Jack's arms as the old man whispers "I love you".
But for now, they lose themselves in each other, living in the moment.
And, right now, it's more than enough for Jesse.
Hmm I'm sorry I put my darling Jesse in so much pain...
I'm thinking about writing a counterpart from Jack's perspective.
Also, I wanted to include some McReyes, but it didn't fit in the story.
Also, treat yourself and listen to "L'hymne à l'amour" by Edith Piaf. It's a very beautiful song.