A/N: This story is crack fic at its most moronic. Nothing makes sense. Facts are twisted. I made up a whole lot of shit and I did it on purpose. This big mess is unbetaed. And I did that on purpose too. All recognizable people in this story did not do any of the silly things you are about to read. I made it up cos I'm bored … and a loser…with no boyfriend…or a bank balance. There, you happy now? I said it. I'm broke, bored, single and inconveniently horny. If it weren't for Sam's pull ups, I would end it – my diet that is. So go forth, brave readers and brace yourselves for human intellect at its worse.
Everyone loves Jared
Sera Gamble was shitting hot bricks. They had decided to write John into the script temporarily, as a spirit with amnesia (no, really). Sam and Dean's new task would be to jog daddy's memory and sent him towards the light or whatever. Ben had thought it would be a good idea. Ben was, currently, kicking his own ass. Even Charlie Beeson called the showrunner up asking, frantically, if she was out of her mind. She was about to scrap the 'Return Of John' idea, when Eric (the malevolent dictator of this soon-to-be train wreck) called, from whatever cave he was currently residing in, to let them know that John Winchester's temporary return could be very good for ratings. In fact, he thought that papa bear should be haunting the Impala, for at least a few weeks. Jeff's fans deserve that much. Now they were sunk. How were they gonna keep everything under control for a few weeks? But Eric was adamant. Which means everybody else had to be okay with it – whether they were okay with it or not. It wasn't that nobody liked Jeff. Everybody loved him. He was a darling. There was one unlikely soul however, who didn't dote on Daddy Winchester. Jensen hated Jeff's living guts. Those two were as volatile together as flatulence and a lit match. The last time the two men were in the same room, they started throwing punches as each other. Nobody knew why but they were freaked as hell to see such docile professionals ready to tear each other apart. They tried to needle the truth out of Jared, but it was no use. He was just as clueless as everyone else. If he only knew that he was the troublemaker.
Jensen had fallen in love Jared so slowly that the truth (when it finally surfaced) stunned him to silence. Unfortunately, Jensen was a big fat coward. So every time he tried to man up and confess his undying love to Jared, his bladder would mysteriously fill up, in urgent need of emptying. Jeff came on set on his first gig with the younger actors, took one look at the boy with the feline-inspired orbs and was bowled over. Jared was a lovely young thing, full of life, with a heart-melting smile and uncharacteristic modesty. Of course, Jensen and Jeff became that they were each other's competition. The temperatures dropped dramatically on set. At first, they had stayed safely within the confines of name-calling. Jensen said things like home-wrecker, relic and cradle-snatcher. Jeff's insult repertoire boasted such classics as hooker lips, girly-face and cheap condom. Jensen was silenced by that last one. Really, he didn't have a comeback for it. Things escalated from there, but throughout the epic battle between the two big J's, the littlest J (well agewise, anyway) remained blissfully ignorant. The older men actually wondered whether the magna cum laude thing was a lie.
When John died, Dean was shattered. It was some of the most difficult acting Jensen ever had to do. You try looking mopey when you really want to do the happy dance. Jeff was gone. The thorn had been removed. He and loverly loverly Jared could now live happily. Things had changed since early season two. Jensen, who never quite managed to tell Jared how he felt, now had to contend with…well other contenders. First, that bitch Misha pitched up. Boy, did the girls get it wrong. Destial, my ass. Misha drooled for the oblivious Jared, and Jared only. In fact, to Jensen, the whole Destial thing was a diversionary tactic. Jensen was able to keep an eye on the twit and keep him away from darling Jared. When Misha realized what underhandedness Jen was up to, Misha came up with his dastardly plan. He couldn't seduce the lovely math whiz in privacy – no problem! Misha was shameless enough to get his greedy hands on Jared right there in the open. The Aussie con had almost given Jensen a heart attack. Misha, the bastard, had actually bent darling Jared over right in front of the fans. Jensen was so scandalized, that he'd actually swiveled his chair away, hiding his anger with a smile. The battle continued, Misha winning because he was devious and Jensen losing because he was dumb. Things escalated when Richard's character became Gabriel. Because now he was semi-permanent. Suddenly, Jared and Richard are sitting away from everyone else, grinning and telling eachother stories about childhood pranks they had pulled. For the first time, Misha was on edge. Richard was a freaking genius. This guy was too smart and Misha was actually doubtful of himself (you must understand that pompous Misha is never uncertain of himself). Jensen and Misha cried and drank all night, when Richard asked sweet Jared to pose for a fan picture and Jared ended up kissing Richard's cheek, running his thumb on Richard's lips.
Of course, the script writers came to the rescue, killing Gabriel off, and getting the potent Richard Speight Jr. out of the way. But then they replace him with Sebastian Roche. If evil Misha and brainy Richard ever managed to procreate, their baby would be something like Sebastian Roche. Neither man had any control over this hurricane. The debauched picture of Jared on Seb's Twitter page enraged Richard. He was even more pissed when he saw the second picture. Seb the serpent had wrapped himself around Jared's body. They were lying – on a bed – bodies intertwined. Really, twitter should be banned. If that was not bad enough Richard took a good look at the background and starting having kittens. Jensen, that hopeless cunt, was sitting right there behind Jared, one hand thrown up in outrage. Misha and Richard couldn't wait to get Jensen alone.
"You were right there." Richard growled, "The bastard was touching something that we've been fighting over for years. And you just let him? What are you, fucking spineless?"
"I was standing guard," Jensen growled back, defensively, "just in case things got out of hands."
The other men narrowed their eyes at the imbecile.
"Out of hands?" Misha asked, "Weren't things getting out of hands, already?"
"No!" Jensen squawked.
"He's an idiot." Richard mumbled, shaking his head.
They were just relieved that Jared was too big for Seb to pick up and carry off. Richard came on set frequently, cos he was 'missing the gang'. Yeah right, thought Jensen. So now, poor Jared was caught in the middle of a four way battle. He was the prize and the silly boy didn't even know it. All he knew was that everyone on set was angry, but not with him. Whenever he walked into the room, the tension would fizzle out and everyone would plaster fake smiles on their mugs. Jared felt there was a problem, and the boys were trying to protect him because he was the youngest. It was good that he was pretty because a stupid brain like that and a hideous face? That would just be unfair.
Things got completely out of hand, when Matt Cohen came on set. This guy was practically eye-raping Jared's biceps. Jen shook his head incredulously. Was it the fucking John character? Every time the John character pitched up on script, poor Jared was in danger of being violated. This guy was all over Jared, and Jared (the chronic cuddler) lived for snuggling and was completely unaware of the effect he was having on younger John. When the bastards at the convention decided to invite Mr. Cohen on board, Jensen threw a fit…in his apartment…when nobody was watching…cos he's a coward. Throughout the fucking convention; Jensen, Misha, Richard and even Sebastian worked together; to keep the damn incubus away from the love of their lives. Matt and his whore-ish tendency to wear really tight shirts made them realize something they hadn't given a shit about before. This Matt guy ain't too bad on the eyes. They started fretting. By the end of the convention, Matt was fuming. The four bastards didn't even give him two seconds with Jared. Someone or the other was always guarding the boy. All of Matt's raunchy hopes and dreams were dashed.
Throughout it all, Jim stood by watching everything with a smirk on his face. Jensen had confided in him and Jim had said that he would support Jen in whatever he did. Of course, Jim had said that to all the other stalkers who had confided in him. Except Jeff. Jeff never confided in him. He left before getting that chance. Now, the stupid writers had gone and added Jeff back into the story and by the looks of it, John's specter was gonna stick around a little longer than Jensen had hoped. The way Jared had welcomed Jeff, had left all his admirers in fits of anger and dismay. The two had hugged for one full minute. One full fucking minute. The stalkers had bitched about that one stinking minute for the rest of the day. You could just picture the lunch time pandemonium. All five men subtly fought with each other to sit next to Jared. Sebastian discreetly stabbing Jensen in the ass cheek with a fork. Richard 'accidentally' toppling his orange juice all over Misha. And Jared, who was forever hungry, never noticed. Really, the boy was gonna take up engineering? It was a good thing he didn't. All his buildings would have collapsed. Jeff simply asked Jared if he could sit next to the boy and Jared smiled warmly and said 'of course, papa bear'. How much the rest of the vultures hated Jeff at that moment cannot be put into words.
Finally Eric threw a bombshell. Sam was gonna drown and somebody would have to give him mouth to mouth. Sera the scapegoat was sent on set to talk to Jared about the scene and how essentially he would have to let another male kiss him … well sort of. She hoped he would not have a problem with the idea. Jared had blushed and said sweetly that he didn't have a problem with that. Sera's inner samgirl wanted to fuck him right there and then. How flawlessly wonderful he was. Except for the sweating…and the farting…and dressing Sam in so many shirts, that you couldn't see a fucking thing. Sera thought that had gone well enough. But then again, she was not there when the shit hit the fan. Charlie was neck deep in 'shit' when he called her on the phone. Apparently, Jared had told everyone about the lunatic script they were gonna get soon. They had started to argue about who was gonna kiss Jared. Jeff fucking hated playing a ghost at this point because no matter how friendly Casper was, he never got that friendly. Misha's bid to be the designated smoocher had been mocked by all and sundry because 'you're the fucking villain now, asshole'. Richard was also laughed at because 'you don't even work here, assbutt, just go home'. Top contenders were looking to be Jensen (lucky bastard) and Sebastian (sneaky bastard).
Of course, Sera (because she's sadistic like that) chose guest actor Tom motherfucking Welling as the official Sam licker. Jensen, who had worked with Tom before, never saw the horny devil so enthusiastic. Great! one more fucking rival. The 'kissing' scene took longer that usual because the typically dull Mr. Welling kept fucking up the take because he was in stitches. And his giggles would set Jared off because… well you know Jared; he just needs an excuse to start laughing. So a thirty second mouth to mouth scene ended up taking three fucking hours to shoot. No shit, by the end of it, Jared's lips were swollen. Jared's stalkers were crestfallen that it was right there and they couldn't even touch it. What was embarrassingly obvious was that Clark the shark was doing it on purpose. Well it was obvious to everyone except Jared of course. By the time, the director called it a wrap, the other admirers were practically in tears. Superman violated their baby. Then Tom (because he had to keep pushing it) walked up to them and thanked them 'for everything cos I really had a good time, can't wait to come back for more'. He waggled his professionally shaped eyebrows at them. Then Jeff decked him. Yep, one minute Tommy was rubbing it in their faces. The next, he was lying flat on his face.
The End
Fret not my pretties. Only one more chapter. Only a lunatic can write a crackfic that is ten chapters long. And I ain't no lunatic. I just pretend to be one. So send me your love and I'll send you the last chapter.