Dream a Little Dream

by KasidyQ

Shiro's life was a never ending nightmare. With his one ray of hope now gone, he had nothing left to live for, but will fate intervene in a last ditch effort to save his life? Will Ichigo come to terms with Shiro's dark past and his own self doubt in time to save their future together? When all you see is darkness, sometimes you just need someone to turn on the light.

1. Ending It All

A/N: So I was kind of in a dark place when I started this one. There's a lot going on in RL right now. I recently had to say good bye to a very dear friend that lost his battle with depression. I've been in that ongoing fight myself and I'm having a pretty hard time dealing with everything right now.

If there are any of my readers out there who are struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE find someone to talk to about it. Reach out! Someone will listen. Someone can help! And for everyone else, please pay attention to your friends. Look up the warning signs for someone considering suicide. Remember that depression is not something you can just "get over". Watch each other's backs out there and be there when someone needs you. I'm available anytime if anyone needs someone to talk to. Just PM me. I won't judge. Sometimes it helps just to have an open-minded person to vent to. I love ya'll! Don't ever forget that!

Trigger warning! Mentions of attempted suicide, self-harm, drug and alcohol abuse, sexual, physical and emotional abuse, non-con and other highly controversial themes. Please read at your own discretion.

This is a Yaoi story. You've been warned. Of course I don't own Bleach. Tite Kubo does. Thank the gods! Poor Ichigo would never get any rest if he was mine! XD

Extreme author's note over! So, let's get to the story already! Enjoy!

Chapter 1- Ending It All

December 25, 2AM

Shiro laid in his bed and sighed. One time, just one time, he'd like to get some sleep without laying there thinking too much! "Fuck!" He slammed his fists into the mattress beside him. He didn't want to think anymore! He didn't want to remember. He rolled to the side and glared at the digital alarm clock on his nightstand. The bright red numbers seemed to mock him, blinking 2:00 AM. It was officially Christmas. He sighed again, flopping back down on his pillow. "Merry fuckin' Christmas." He muttered into the absolute silence. He glared at the ceiling and thought about the mess he'd made of everything. He needed help, he knew that. He just never had wanted to admit it until now. But there was no one left to help him. He snatched his phone and sent a text message then tossed it somewhere across the room.

"I'M SORRY I NEVER LET YOU IN. LOVE YA MORE. GOODBYE."

Shiro had lost control of his life. The one thing that had always kept him semi-sane was gone and he couldn't blame anyone but himself. Why did he have to be so destructive? Everything he touched turned to absolute shit. His friends had turned their backs on him, his family was never there to begin with, and he'd hurt the only person in his whole fucked up little world who had ever truly meant anything to him. It'd be easy to sit and blame all the shitty people who'd come and gone or all the bad things that life had handed him, but he knew deep inside that the situation he found himself in over and over again was his own damned fault.

He sat up, swinging his legs over the side of his bed, too frustrated to lay there anymore. After pilfering through the drawer in his bedside table, he finally found his IPod and slipped the earbuds in. Shiro let his favorite song send him to that place he always seemed to go when he was alone. The place deep inside himself full of hollowness and numbing self-hate.

We chase misprinted lies

We face the path of time

And yet I fight

And yet I fight

This battle all alone

He clicked repeat on the song and stared at the other contents of the drawer that hung open in front of him. With a trembling hand, he reached for a crumpled up piece of paper buried under the endless supply of pill bottles, little plastic baggies full of things better left alone for now, and various other memories of his shit stained life.

He unfolded the paper and smoothed it out as best he could before running his fingers over the smudged words he'd read a million times.

"Shiro,

Baby, we need to talk. I know you hate it when I say that but it's true. Things are bad again, aren't they? I wouldn't be having to write this in a stupid letter if they weren't. But you won't talk to me about it, will you? You won't answer your phone and you're never home when I come by. You've closed me out again and I don't know what to do anymore. I want this to work but you aren't giving me too many options here. I love you. I have always loved you, even when you hated yourself enough for the both of us. You know that I hate to beg but that's exactly what I'm doing. Please talk to me. I don't want this to be goodbye, but if you won't open up and let me in, then I guess that's what I'm saying. Damn it, please don't make me do this. Just call me, okay? Or at least answer your phone when I call.

I love you XOXO"

Shiro wadded up the paper again and threw it back into the drawer. He was such a moron! Why hadn't he just picked up the phone? He wished that all of this could have been just a dream. A terrible dream that would end with him waking up next to that beautiful smile. But no, it wasn't a dream. He was all alone in an empty bed in his empty apartment with his empty heart. If he could just sleep, maybe this would all go away. He grabbed a bottle of pills from the drawer. He didn't need to even look at the label to know that he'd grabbed Ativan. It'd been prescribed for his "anxiety-induced insomnia". Bullshit. "Anxiety, my ass." He thought aloud, "More like hell on earth." Shiro ran a hand through his shaggy white hair before unscrewing the top on the bottle of pills.

Just then, there was a knock on the front door. He ignored it, like always. He didn't want to see anyone right now. The only ones who'd be at his house at 2am were dealers or lowlifes anyway. He turned up the bottle and dumped the contents into his mouth. Shiro held the numerous pills on his tongue until he started to taste the bitterness of the meds melting, then he swallowed. Grabbing the half empty bottle of Jack Daniels on the floor next to him, he chased them down then finished off the bottle.

Five minutes had passed…. He started to feel a little sleepy.

Sleep… yeah, that sounded good. He laid back on his bed and heard the knock come again. He growled at the intruding sound and turned up the volume on his IPod.

No one to cry to

No place to call my own

Maybe he'd wake up in the hospital. They'd give him something real good there. Maybe they'd give him something to kill the pain. He knew better than that. Only one thing could end his suffering. The ability to turn back time. Maybe he'd slip into a coma and not have to face the world ever again.

The knocking started again but he could barely hear it now. He closed his eyes and smiled.

Maybe, if he was really lucky, he wouldn't wake up at all. He imagined how empty his funeral would be. No one ever bothered with him now, so why would it be any different when he was gone. The only person who would probably mourn him would be the one person he wished would just forget he even existed. It would be better that way. No more pain for either one of them. Another knock….

Shiro turned up the volume again.

My gift of self is raped

My privacy is raked

And yet I find

No, he didn't need anything now. "Go away." He whispered to the banging on the door. He absently reached in the drawer and retrieved the letter and clutched to his chest. More time passed, but he didn't know or care how much.

Just before the drowsiness took him under, the knocking grew louder, then there was a voice just above the sound of the music… Just barely audible… but he knew that voice. His eyes snapped open. It couldn't be!

"SHIRO! Open the damn door!"

Shiro tried to leap from the bed but the pills had already began to slow the movement of his body. He stumbled, knocking over the lamp on the nightstand and catching himself on the wall. He shook his head trying to clear his vision, but it didn't help. Everything was turning into a blur. Using the wall as support, he slowly made his way to his bedroom door and opened it. The hallway in front of him looked ridiculously long and dark but he had to make it. He had to answer the front door. The knocking was frantic now but it felt like every step he took led him further away from the voice he loved so much.

"Baby, please! Please, be okay! Answer me!"

Shiro felt tears running down his cheeks. He wanted to keep walking. He really did, but he was so tired. He leaned against the wall in the hallway and slid down. His head hung loosely and his arms laid limp at his sides. If he could just call out, maybe everything would be okay. Maybe it wasn't too late. He tested his voice but it came as whisper. "Damn it…" he whined. He barely had the energy to cuss himself.

"Please… please Shiro… just open the door!"

The voice was hysterical now. Pleading between broken sobs. It broke Shiro's heart. He never meant for it to be this way. He had been so ready to go. He wanted everything to end, but then… that voice. It was just a faint echo now in the distance. He took a deep breath and screamed out with as much force as he could. It wouldn't be enough. He knew even if someone was to hear him, they'd never make it in time. He broke into shaking sobs, trying to hold on to consciousness for a little longer. Even if just to hear that voice one more time. "Love… ya... more… Ichigo."

December 25, 2:18AM

A blood curdling scream sounded from the other side of the apartment door. Oh God. "Shiro!" Ichigo threw all of his force at the door in an attempt to break it open but it wouldn't budge. Again and again he tried, to no avail. His heart was racing and he could no longer see through the tears that wouldn't stop falling, but he didn't care anymore about who might see him cry. He didn't care about looking like a mad man banging down a door in the early hours of Christmas morning. All he cared about was reaching the man on the other side of that door. He was screaming now in absolute panic. The neighbors were starting to peak out at him. "Call the police!" he cried. "Please, somebody, help me!" He leaned against the door, sobbing. "Shiro…. Oh god, baby. Just hold on. I'm coming." He didn't know exactly what was going on inside, but he knew that the person he loved most in this world needed help. He knew what he was capable of, and he knew that the text he'd just gotten scared him.

Strong hands grabbed his shoulders, spun him around and shook him, hard. He glanced up and saw Shiro's best friend and neighbor, Grimmjow, staring down at him. "What the hell is going on?" He asked. Ichigo could barely speak. "Help me." He managed. Understanding seemed to dawn on Grimmjow as he stepped back and surveyed the door. "Okay. We'll kick it down. On three, are you ready?" he asked calmly. Ichigo nodded and stood back in position beside him.

"One… Two… Three!"

The combined force busted the door frame and cracked the door from the hinges but it still stood. It was open enough, however, for Grimmjow to reach in and undo the chain lock that was holding it in place. With that, the door fell in and crashed loudly to the floor.

"Shiro!" Ichigo screamed when he spotted the lifeless form slumped against the wall in the hallway in front of them. He ran to him, calling for Grimmjow to call for an ambulance. He slid to a stop and fell to the floor beside Shiro, taking him into his arms and shaking him wildly. "Don't do this to me! Wake up Shiro!" He slapped him across the face, leaving a handprint shining on his already pale skin. "Please! Goddammit, Baby! Please… Just wake up! I love you…. You stupid asshole! What did you do?" Ichigo cried out but Shiro didn't move. Only the slow rise and fall of his chest told Ichigo that he was still alive. "What did you do?" He kept asking as he rocked his love back and forth in his arms. He didn't let him go until the paramedics came, forcing him to stand back and watch as the loaded Shiro onto a gurney and took him away in an ambulance.

Ichigo tried to let the sound of the sirens and the inhuman speed they were driving bring him hope as he and Grimmjow followed the ambulance to the hospital, hoping that the E.M.T.s wouldn't be in such a hurry if it was too late to save Shiro. He slipped one of the earbuds of Shiro's IPod into his ear and pressed play. He'd grabbed it out of the hall floor beside him as a habit. Shiro was always dropping the damned thing. When he realized what was playing, he broke down again into sobs. "What did you do?" he whispered one more time as he listened to the lyrics.

And yet I find

Repeating in my head

If I can't be my own

I'd feel better dead

A/N: I finished this chapter moments ago in complete emotional breakdown mode. Still wiping away tears. I hope all of that wasn't too much for you guys. The song was Nutshell by Alice In Chains. No, this isn't a song fic. Just thought that it fit perfectly. I promise that the whole story won't be quite this dark. It will touch on some really dark things though.

On to happier thoughts…. Just wanted to take a minute to say THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! Over 1000 views on my stories in a month's time? That is so… overwhelming to a girl who used to never let anyone read ANY of her stories, like, ever. I know it may not seem like a lot to some of you but it makes me so extremely happy! So this new story is dedicated to those of you who have read, reviewed, and followed any of my work so far! And don't worry, I'm still working on Star Crossed and the next one shot in my "Dark" Series. I just needed something to clear my head and get out some of these pent up feelings and this one almost started writing its self.

Special Thanks To:

BrokenPiecesOfHell, PandaHat97, Hardoraku, LunaTheAwesome Jordan, Yumi-Soiri, OnePlotThickens, Avryn Takehashi, Azrael1225, , PurpleClouds13, 4fireking, JaegerjaquezSweety, meggieXx, EverRose808, Yuiitsu muni, and AliceLovesCakes. If I left anyone out, I am so sorry. I promise to get you in the next one.

R&R, pretty please! Love Ya'll!