Something had to be done about all the damn pillaging.
Not that Leonard really minded since his former kidnapper and new husband, 'Space Pirate Jim', had turned out to be a frigging genius at the whole pillaging process. Fuck, did the kid know how to use his tongue.
No, the problem was that the kid was so goddamn smug about the whole thing.
Naturally, Leonard couldn't let that stand and so he retaliated by pillaging the hell out of Jim right back. And, while that was sure as hell a worthwhile past time, it had the unfortunate end result of making the kid even smugger. Jim had taken to swaggering around his pirate ship like he was a sultan with a harem of thousands. It was embarrassing.
Not to mention the fact that Jim kept calling Leonard 'wife' in a cheerfully possessive voice—in front of the other pirates.
He had to be stopped.
"Dammit Jim, I will knock you out with a hypo and shave you bald if you don't stop calling me 'wife'," Leonard threatened grimly as they sat in the cramped living area of the captain's quarters, where Jim was supposedly showing him sketches for his planned improvements to the ship.
"Ah, c'mon, you need a nickname. You can't have a pirate named Leonard." Jim was looking at him with earnest sincerity which Leonard figured was about fifty percent bullshit and fifty percent actual sincerity.
He rolled his eyes. "First of all, I am not a goddamn pirate. I am a doctor who happens to be married to a pirate. God help me. And second of all, 'wife' is not a nickname."
"Cupcake?"
Leonard looked at the kid in disbelief. "Do you want to die young?"
"Sweetheart?"
"Tell you what. You can call me 'Sweetheart' whenever my dick is buried in your ass."
"Really? Sweetheart, Sweetheart, Sweet…"
Leonard gave up and tackled him.
Twenty minutes later they both lay collapsed in a tangled heap on the bed. It was definitely too small for two grown men. Well, a grown man and a Space Pirate.
And it was definitely too small considering all the pillaging going on.
"Bones."
Leonard looked over at Jim who was giving him a winning smile that immediately made him wary.
"What about them?"
"Bones. It's an excellent pirate name." Jim arched his brows meaningfully.
Leonard just stared back, baffled. "Why the hell would you…oh Jesus, just…never mind." He shook his head and gave up with a muttered. "Fine. It's sure as fuck better than 'wife'."
"Okay then. Bones."
There was something suspicious about the deep satisfaction in Jim's voice and Leonard scowled as he considered the various ridiculous nicknames Jim had been wearing him down with since their marriage five days ago. "How long have you been planning the whole 'Bones' nickname?"
"Uhm, since just now?"
Leonard frowned suspiciously and Jim looked back at him with a suddenly vacant stare out of pretty, pretty blue eyes.
Leonard narrowed his own in disgust. "Y'know, that look really hasn't worked since you showed me your intelligence testing results."
The vacant look disappeared to be replaced by cheerful good humor. "Heh. Okay, come on, you have to admit that…"
Jim was interrupted before he could come up with whatever argument he'd been about to launch into—which was sure to be convoluted and which Leonard would be disagreeing with on sheer principle—by Jim's communicator which started blurting out a happy chorus of 'Yo Ho Ho and A Bottle of Rum.' Firmly resisting the urge to chuckle, Leonard rolled his eyes instead, because the kid did not need encouragement in his whole 'getting Leonard to embrace the pirate lifestyle' quest.
Jim reached out to lazily snag the communicator. "Kirk here."
Sulu's husky voice came across. "Kirk, we're nearing the rendezvous point with the Denarans. You want to maybe pull yourself away from your lovely wife for a few moments?"Jim shot Leonard a smirk and opened his mouth to no doubt make an asinine comment—for which he would have to suffer—but apparently Leonard's threatening glare triggered the kid's atrophied survival instincts and he just said, "Be right there."
Leonard watched as Jim jumped out of the bed with overflowing energy, throwing on his discarded clothes and jogging towards the door. "Be back in a few, Bones!"
Leonard sighed and thumped his head back onto the pillow, letting a wry smile of amusement escape now that there was no one there to witness it. He could already tell being married to the kid was gonna be exhausting. Fun though.
The sudden, much more standard, chirp of his own communicator going off had Leonard reaching out to the nightstand to grab it. "What?"
"Uh, Bones, you might want to get up here." There was an unusual hint of seriousness in Jim's voice that had Leonard sitting up and frowning at the communicator.
"What's wrong?" he asked as he stood, frantically looking around for where his damn shirt had gone to.
"Just…get up here. Uh, fast, please."
With a curse as the communicator went dead, Leonard gave up looking for his clothes and just yanked new ones out of the small supply Jim had scrounged from somewhere. Striding out of their small quarters, he broke into a half run as he headed to the turbolift. It exited directly onto the ship's bridge and the thick tension hit him as soon as he stepped over the threshold.
"What the hell is so…oh, fuck." He stopped dead as he took in the viewscreen and the visual it was transmitting. "Mother."
The magnified head of Eleanora Hortensia McCoy glared down at him from the main viewscreen, her disturbingly enlarged image showing steely green eyes set in an aristocratic face, framed by perfectly coiffed, mink hair the exact shade of Leonard's—though her shade was 'encouraged'. She was outfitted in a ridiculously pink frilly suit and, naturally, was wearing pearls. "Leonard," she said in her usual drawl, the one that dripped honey and venom at the same time, "I see you are alive and that five days in the company of these…" her eyes swept the assembled crew with a disdainful sweep, "criminals has done nothing to improve your foul language."
"I…sorry, ma'am." He caught Jim giving him a disbelieving 'look' from his peripheral vision and grimly ignored him. Jim would learn. Oh, he would learn.
"Well," his mother gave a small 'hmph', "I suppose at least it's good that you've managed to keep yourself alive, although," her eyes narrowed disapprovingly, "…disheveled."
Leonard resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "Uh, mother, there's something…"
He was cut off as Eleanora's attention snapped back to Jim who had been studying her with keen, calculating interest that just sharpened as they continued to stare at each; they looked like two combatants squaring off.
Eleonora's eyes narrowed. "Very well, you've proven that my son is still alive. I will not blow your little ship into atoms. You will return Leonard immediately and you will all be arrested. My assistant will communicate the details." She nodded and Leonard watched as Ms. Uhura appeared on the screen, looking as beautiful, self possessed and eerily competent as ever.
Uhura stared down at their raggedy band with dark, intelligent and unimpressed eyes. "As Mrs. McCoy has indicated you will…" she paused, composure suddenly looking shaken for the first time since Leonard had met her. Her eyes were widening as they focused on something to the side of Jim and Leonard looked over to see what could have caused such a rare event. She was looking at…
"Spock?" Her voice was incredulous.
Spock was looking right back at Uhura with a slightly bemused expression on his face which, from what Leonard knew of Vulcans, was the human equivalent of flabbergasted.
After a long pause the half-Vulcan gave a slight nod. "Greetings, Nyota."
"Spock, what are you doing with these criminals?" Uhura asked, frowning.
Jim was also looking at the Vulcan with a speculative gleam in his eyes. "Nyota, huh? Something you want to tell us, Spock?"
Spock debated briefly. "No."
No one on the pirate ship looked surprised when Jim didn't let it go. "Spock. Seriously, I think we need to know."
Leonard watched the Vulcan's shoulders stiffen. "I have a prior professional acquaintance with Ms. Uhura."
"Realllly?" Jim grinned, managing to stuff the word with innuendo, while Spock 'not glared' at him. After days of watching Jim and Spock interact, Leonard had come to realize that the whole 'Vulcans not showing emotions' was pretty much bull. Or maybe it was just Jim possessing an almost preternatural ability to annoy Spock.
"Ms. Uhura?" At the imperious voice, Leonard looked up at the screen to see his mother arching an aristocratic eyebrow at her assistant, looking tiny next to the taller woman.
"Spock was my advisor when I studied certain linguistics courses at a University program several years ago." There was a hint of a flush in Uhura's cheeks. Jim must have spotted it too because he turned and wriggled his brows meaningfully at Spock, giving him a thumbs up.
Spock responded to the gesture with a small huff of 'not exasperated' breath.
Uhura continued speaking, her perfect composure rebuilding with every word. "In any event, my prior…working relationship with Spock has no bearing on current events." She turned to Jim again, giving him a frosty glare. "Pirates, you will turn off your shielding and prepare to be beamed aboard our vessel."
"No we won't," Jim responded cheerfully, grinning back. "And the tractor beam you're trying to use on us right now totally won't work. We've got special shield modifications." He turned back to Spock. "Wow, she's just like a girl version of you. No wonder the two of you hooked up. Please tell me that the two of you hooked up."
Spock 'not scowled'. "At no time did Ms. Uhura and I…"
"Pirates, I repeat, you will turn off your…"
"Everyone, hey!" Leonard roared, getting the feeling that events would just keep spiraling more and more out of control if he didn't intervene.
The overlapping sound of voices cut off as all eyes focused on him.
"What?" His mother snapped back, looking mildly irritated at the way events were unfolding.
Leonard took at deep breath. "We're…married."
His mother froze and a look of horror crossed her patrician features. "Who is we?"
Leonard hitched a thumb at Jim who immediately stood up straighter and offered a sunny smile. "Hi, new Mom!"
"Oh…Leonard."
************************************
As the oversized images of his mother and Ms. Uhura disappeared from the viewscreen, Kirk rubbed his hands together and announced, "Well, that could have gone worse."
Leonard just shook his head in grim resignation and turned to stare at his 'hopefully not soon to be dead' husband. "Goddammit, I wish we'd had more time to plan. This isn't good."
"Oh, c'mon. Your mom seems nice, in a slightly scary way. And Uhura's hot."
"Your mum seems like a perfectly lovely woman," Scotty offered while Spock 'not glowered' at Jim.
"Hell no, she's not a lovely woman," Leonard gritted out, answering Scotty's question but looking intently at Jim. "She's a damn miniature barracuda decked out in pink. The woman is dangerous and sneaky and under no circumstances should you trust her."
He almost growled in frustration when Jim still didn't look worried. "Jim, listen to me."
"I am listening to you. Dangerous and sneaky. Got it."
Leonard sighed. "Look, there are two very important things you need to keep in mind here. One, you never signed a pre-nup, which means as things stand you're looking at eventually inheriting half of McCoy Enterprises when my mother dies. That gives you one hell of a negotiating chip."
"So we're golden," Jim grinned at him.
"No!" Leonard snapped back. "Because the second important thing to remember is that she might decide to just kill you instead." His family hadn't stayed the richest private force in the galaxy for over one hundred and fifty years because they were nice.
Jim blinked at him. "So this is basically going to be like negotiating with another pirate."
"Well…yeah."
Jim nodded. "Cool." He then turned to stare up at the viewscreen where Eleanora's ship floated in front of them. Even Leonard had to admit it was a beautiful sight.
"I've never seen anything like your mom's ship before. What, uh, model is she?" The question was nonchalant but Leonard caught the almost enraptured interest sparking in Jim's eyes. It wasn't quite as intense as the predatory look Jim tended to get whenever they were pillaging each other. But it was pretty damn close.
Leonard shrugged indifferently. "That's the Enterprise. It's a prototype built by McCoy Shipping. It's one of a kind and the most advanced ship in the Federation." He glared at Jim. "Which means she can squash your ship like a bug."
Jim just kept staring raptly up. "Interesting."
******************************************
Leonard couldn't stop staring at the smug face of his new husband, caught somewhere between awe, amusement and disbelief. Because, goddammit, the kid just looked too pretty to be that smart; or that ruthless.
"I can't believe you got her to give you the goddamn Enterprise." He could still only shake his head at the events that had just transpired.
The past few hours had almost caused him to stroke out over the tension of watching Jim and his mother 'negotiate' in a master game of subtle threats, not so subtle threats, and—most disturbingly of all—flirting. Leonard had spent the time alternating between wanting to jump Jim, because watching his new husband not be bulldozed by Leonard's barracuda of a mother was absurdly hot, and wanting to punch Jim because, dammit, flirting with your brand new mother-in-law was wrong on so many goddamn levels.
But one thing the past few hours had demonstrated without question. James Tiberius Kirk really was a genius, scarily so.
In return for signing a post nuptial agreement, Kirk had somehow managed to get the Enterprise signed over to his name—the exchange to take place at an agreed upon location—along with a hefty stack of credits that almost matched the fortune Leonard would have access to from his grandfather's trust.
And most disturbing of all, his impossible to please mother seemed to approve of Jim. As Leonard had walked his mother back to her shuttle, she had stopped in the hall and given him an appraising stare out of too perceptive green eyes.
"You seem to like this boy."
Leonard had shrugged and then scowled, feeling his cheeks flush. "Well, yeah, I wouldn't have married him otherwise." Even if Jim had been threatening to toss Leonard out an airlock.
His mother's eyes narrowed as she continued to study him until, finally, she nodded. "You know," she said slowly, "Jocelyn was a nice, appropriate girl. She would have made a nice, appropriate wife. But this James Tiberius Kirk," she gave a wolfish grin, suddenly looking more like a pirate than half Jim's crew, "well, he might actually be worthy of the McCoy name."
Leonard just rolled his eyes as he leaned down to kiss his tiny, barracuda of a mother on the cheek. Because trust Eleanora Hortensia McCoy to decide a pirate made a worthy husband for a McCoy.
Twelve days later
"Wow, that was so…nice of her."
"You're pouting."
"No, I'm not. It's a good thing. A great thing. Your mom got us all pardoned. We're not technically pirates anymore. Yay."
Leonard had to bite back a laugh. The kid was definitely pouting.
"Stop laughing at me." Okay, make that pouting and sullen. It was actually damn cute. Not that Leonard was ever saying that aloud.
He shook his head, still chuckling. "Jesus, kid. You've got the most advanced ship in the galaxy, you're not an outlaw anymore, and you're rich. But, hell, if you need a new challenge, you can always go kidnap someone else and become a space pirate again."
Leonard saw the look on Jim's face and stopped chuckling. "Dammit, Jim…that was a joke. I was joking."
His sense of dread could only grow as he watched the wicked grin light up Jim's face. It was definitely a space pirate sort of grin.
"Y'know, we really do need more crew for the Enterprise. And hiring's no fun." Jim stared at Leonard, a terrifying combination of calculation and mischief in his bright blue eyes. "Who's that whiz kid you said helped design her? Chekov? I wonder if he'd enjoy a little space adventure. Ooh, and I bet I could totally talk Spock into kidnapping his old girlfriend."
Leonard felt the muscles beneath his left eye start to spasm.
END