Dania was a fairly normal girl. She went to university, she had friends, she liked to watch movies, get out of her head on LSD while playing the trombone and making flapja - wait, that's not right. Anyway she was normal enough.
After getting drunk out of her face, Dania dragged herself back to her house where she promptly made some muffins and caused her roommates to call the fire department. So the kitchen was a little ruined, but that's okay because they only used it as a big fridge for all their beer and baking soda. Anyway, back to our main moron.
Dania stirred just after three in the afternoon. Wait – it couldn't be three, it was dark outside. Dark and ominous, and bloodstained and creepy.
"I NEED A DRINK." Dania yelled into the ominous darkness. Wading through the huge heaps of garbage in her room, she made her way out into the hallway.
"Ugh, no, I gotta use the bathroom." She decided. Tapping on the door, she received two taps in return. "Hurry uuuuup. I KNOW IT'S YOU, PENNY." The door slowly creaked open to Dania, displaying blood splattered walls.
"GUUUUUUYS, WHO MESSED UP THE BATHROOM, FERCHRISTSAKE? OTHER PEOPLE HAVE TO USE IT TOO!" Groaning to herself, Dania lifted the seat of the toilet to find a humungous block. "Aww, jeez. Now what do I do?"
"You unblock it." A voice came from the shadows.
"But, I don't have a –WHO SAID THAT?" She dived into the bathtub. A man stepped forwards from the shadows. Dania peered out nervously.
"James Sunderland. Toilet un-blocker extraordinaire. The best way to do it is to get right in there." The man kneeled down next to the toilet.
"Um…aren't you going to roll up your sleeves?" James glared at her.
"That's half the fun!" He plunged his right hand into the bowl and began to rummage around.
"You might get a health drink!" A trucker leaned in through the window. Dania yelped and cowered in the corner of the tub.
"Hey there Travis!" James waved with the hand that wasn't jammed into the u-bend. The trucker waved back and nodded at Dania.
"H-how are you leaning through the window? We're on the first floor!" Dania screeched.
"So are we almost done here?" Travis ignored the terrified girl and pulled himself into the bathroom, landing with a thud on the rotting wood floors. James had almost his whole arm in the toilet, with a look of pure determination on his face. Dania crawled out of the bath.
"What's that noise? I think it's coming from downstairs…" she made her way cautiously downstairs, avoiding the red patches on said stairs. She heard…Pokemon? Who the hell was watching kids shows right now? She had a crazy plumber and a weird trucker in her bathroom, so who else was about to show up? Dania crept into the doorway of the lounge and poked her head around the door slowly. What she saw was so…unreal. There was a guy dressed like a butcher with a huge pyramid shaped helmet on, sitting on their recliner with his feet on their coffee table watching Pokemon. He kept making weird noises that sounded sort of like moaning and laughing and had a beer can in his gloved hand.
"Hahaha I love Mudkips." The large figure snickered before spearing the beer on the end of his helmet and tipping said helmet backwards.
"Yeah, me too." A gruff voice replied. And it is to be noted that this mysterious voice came from under the couch, where one second later, another weird guy who had a mullet and an eyepatch crawled out of and then across the lounge. He then exited under the recliner the pyramid helmeted guy was sitting under and was never seen again…or was he? Dania stared at the couch the mulleted man had just crawled out of. The pyramid helmeted man began giggling which sounded horrible considering how heavily built he was.
"James! Hey James! James! James! Come quickly! You're gonna miss it! JAMES! HURRY UP! JAAAAAAAAAM-aw you missed it. Charmander just evolved." James stood in the doorway with a saddened look on his face and a dirty sleeve on his arm. Dania pulled a disgusted face and James outstretched his palm to her.
"I found this key."
"This…is a spare house key." James held it out to her. "No! You keep it." Dania backed away. "Where's the trucker?" James shrugged.
"Hey, get me another beer Jamesy." The helmeted man threw his empty can out of the window.
"Get it yourself! My god, PH you're so lazy, why are you so lazy? Seriously, it's not even funny, I do ALL the work, and all you is watch your stupid shows and drink beer." James put his hands on his hips and scowled.
"Are you yelling at me? 'Cause where you're looking, there's only me and the recliner. And the recliner hasn't done anything but be comfy all day. And I haven't done anything but sit in the recliner all day, so I don't see how you could be mad at me." The pyramid helmet pointed at himself.
"GET A JOB!" James yelled, forgetting that this wasn't his house and they had only been here for twelve hours. PH dragged himself off the seat.
"Fine, jeez." Dragging his Great Knife slowly after him, he made his way outside and off to the job centre.
(Cue montage set to Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer")
*PH tries to break into professional baseball, using his Great Knife as a bat. He becomes infamous for accidentally decapitating most number of catchers.
His next job is at a call centre, but he can't find a headset to fit around his helmet.
Not much luck as a travel agent either – he turns right and smashes his computer then turns left and decapitates his colleague.
At the butchers, he has his Great Knife taken off him and given a little cleaver. PH finally snaps, rips a few skins off then walks home slowly dragging his now shiny, shiny, SHINY Great Knife behind him*
(End montage)
"Jobs are stupid." He sat back down in the recliner.
"You were only gone for four minutes and six seconds. We watched you in the badly written montage." Dania pointed out.
"Hey, hey, hey do you KNOW how hard it is to write a montage?" A loud voice boomed over an unseen intercom system.
"Wh-who is that?" Dania looked around.
"I'm the writer. And I can do as I please to you. Behold." The voice boomed again, and Pyramid Heads helmet was suddenly rainbow. Oblivious to this fact, PH speared another beer can on the point and tipped his helmet back.
"ANYWAY…" James glanced at the newspaper that had just been posted.
"PH…"
"Shh, Mudkips is on." James threw the newspaper on the floor. The main story read:
"NEW BUTCHER SACKED.
Owner's claims:
'He was sticking his dick in the bacon slicer.'
When asked about what he did with the bacon slicer, he replied:
'I sacked her as well!'"
A piece of paper slid out from the centre of the newspaper. Dania picked it up.
"Pete's Bowling alley…what's with this red stuff it's written in?"
"Okay so, to the hospital it is!" James exclaimed, clapping his hands together.
"But the paper says-"
"WE'RE GOING TO THE HOSPITAL!" James roared. "WHAT TIME IS IT?"
"I-it's three o'clock."
"EXCELLENT, WE'LL BE THERE BY THREE."
"Why are you shouting James?" PH threw another empty can out the window, after which a loud yelp was herd.
"NO, WHY ARE YOU BOTH WHISPERING?! LET'S GO!" James stomped out of the house, reminiscent of a three-year-old girl. Dania followed, still in her pyjamas, clutching the note. PH joined in, dragging his Great Knife behind him with a terrible scraping noise.
"There's a dog house here. But I can't see any dogs." James stated, as a skinless dog behind him took a chunk out of his leg. Thwacking the dog, the helmeted man continued down the street, James limping behind him and Dania looking horrified at the deserted streets.
"What time is it?" James asked again.
"It's…uh…three o'clock?" she glanced at the large clock on the town hall.
"Good. Good." Dania made the decision not to ask just exactly why it was three when she woke up, it was three when PH went on his montage and it's three right now. They stopped in front of the hospital.
"I ain't coming in. The last nurse I screwed here…well, I think I was too much for her." Pyramid Head shrugged.
"Ah, dear Lisa…" James smiled in a deranged way.
"Shut up JewJames. Go find the stupid red square and save the game, you retard."
"'Kay!" James skipped off towards the back exit of the hospital. Dania simply stared at the entrance of the towering building, wondering why she felt as high as a kite…