Author's Note: This is for my burning fire, forever you would burn inside of me. I would continue believing in you…believing in us. No matter wherever you maybe, no matter wherever I will be…inside of me there's you. The Finder Series and its characters are not mine, this is just inspired by the manga ka, Ayano Yamane senpai.
I was often amazed about my purest of luck. That of all the people in the world, I end up with you. Sometimes, it makes me shudder and quiver with fear at how much I love you. It is at the very core of my being. And it makes me helpless and weak, submissive to your will. It's like all the love that I'm supposed to ration little by little in my lifetime is being spent all at once right at this moment. Because whenever I'm with you I always feel as if I'm leaving myself behind with you, and when I'm alone and away from you, I feel myself empty. And only when I'm with you I'm whole again. Me again.
Ryuichi Asami….a very strong name, the only spell that holds my heart captive. From the moment I laid my eyes on you, I am yours. From the lens of my camera, I had bared my soul, reflected my true nature. You were always been my mirror, in a world without you…I can't even know my own identity. For in this world, in this lifetime, I am no one. And you are someone who meant power and a force that holds my entire being captive.
What if he decided one day he had enough, that he grew tired of seeing my face and he wanted someone new? What am I gonna do then? How am I gonna cope? I had moved my world with him in mind, no matter what words I utter when I am with him, my heart always goes against it. That there are times I pretend that I push him away but in reality, I crave for his skin next to mine. And one of these days, I will stop all the pretending and start voicing out what I truly feel for this cold, cold man. Asami. His name is like my kotodama or word magic, and he is the shaman that holds my being like his very own Koma-oni or a guardian demon whose sole purpose is to protect his master. A tool. For that is what I am to Asami, not that I protect him, but he protects me. But to him, I feel, that I'm just his tool. To pleasure his body, to release all his sexual urges. There is no love. Love is not even in his vocabulary of magic words. For his words are just weapons to use against me, to coax me to submission, to his will.
I had willed myself not to fall for him. I had tried so hard to distance myself, to make my heart cold and hard. But each night, I crave for him. My body shakes and shudder like a junkie looking for a quick fix, driving me crazy with the urges I cannot satisfy on my own. There were temporary methods, temporary relief but after awhile I would be shaking and quivering all over again, when I get a whiff of his cologne or when I smell the remnants of his after shave on my pillow. My whole world revolves around him, and I'm like a scavenger or beggar going through the scraps he left behind after his leave, remnant smell of his after shave on my pillow, the towel he used after his shower, he may have use my shampoo or soap, but there is still this distinct smell he leaves behind, a musk that can only be identified as Asami. I savor these collection after he's gone and hold on to them for days until it loses its value.
Why did I end up this way? Why did I made myself to be this way? He is just a man after all. I heard of men going crazy over women, but I never thought men would go crazy over another man. It seems not possible. The idea sounds comical. But I'm not laughing.
I developed a habit of holding the pillow he often use when he sleeps over at night, or wearing the shirt he sometimes leave behind and there is still his scent on it. I couldn't breathe sometimes when I don't have anything that he touched, used or just the whiff in the air when he was here. There is this tightening in my chest, that only ease up when I hear the sound of his voice. So out of lunacy, there are no other words to describe it, because he is driving me to the brink of insanity, I would call him ten or twenty times a day. And my day would be complete. I wouldn't answer, I would use different locations or phone, sometimes I buy prepaid go-phones so I can just dial up his private number. He never fail to answer because its his private number and only few people knows it, and most of them are business related. Or possibly because secretly he knows its me, and just indulges me in my little fantasy, my quick fix for the day. Sometimes, I know he is in a middle of a meeting but still, he would take a moment to answer me, no matter how crucial the moment is. He would say in a quiet, cool voice of his, that could sometimes make me cum just by the sound of it, "Call me again later." And he would hang up, I don't know if he really knows its me, because every time I call, he won't hang up, he would say hello a couple of times, and breathe through the phone, listening to the silence or we both stood there in companionable silence and he would say those words again, "Call me later." Just those words. No questions, no harsh words to demand I stop doing it. So you think this justify my madness? Because he indulges me in his little way he urges me on. And I held on tight. Even just those words alone could cure any malady am in. The sickness of Asami, that's what I want to call it sometimes. Feverish with desire, pupils dilated, heart racing in uncontrollable pace, panting, shortness of breathe, hardening of the lower region (hehe), premature ejaculation (LOL!). This a rare type of disease that affects boys from twenty years old and up, single young men, professionals in their line of work but have limited exposure to the Asami syndrome. There are no substitute drug or solution or remedy for it. Unless the subject in question is willing to give you the time of day. And lucky for me, I have quick fixes on hand. There are times, I thought I would go mad when he went overseas and it takes days or sometimes weeks before he gets back. But those times, Asami himself would make sure he would call me and check on me to see if I'm doing alright.