Mistake
Sinking815
May 6th, 2007
A/N: Just a ficlet on what might happen after Jack's secret is exposed to camp. Obviously, Kate sides with Jack. When have you ever known me to write something otherwise? Reviews appreciated.
This was becoming her personal routine. Staring at the blazing fire before her, numb to the world around her, wrestling her thoughts and emotions and life. Her head throbbed with each beat of her heart. Her chest ached from restraining her tears of frustration and regret and fear. But what was done was done. She had made her choice, if however, involuntarily.
Kate knew she had made the right decision, but even that didn't ease the terror that she felt, a fear so real and unjustified, it made her seethe with anger. It wasn't that she didn't trust him - she'd always trust him; it was the fact that siding with Jack meant she was siding with the woman who'd driven a wedge between what she had fought so hard to establish. A relationship with a man worth keeping. And somehow, Kate had still found a way to destroy it.
The fire popped against the green kindling and startled her from her trance. She blinked past the blue spots dancing in front of her eyes and noticed the pair of feet to her right with a distant recognition. Her mind struggled to return to the present as she glanced at him, looking away again the second her eyes found his. She racked her brains, frantically searching for a way to break the ice, but he spared her the task.
"Kate, I..." he started and then let his words die in the island air. Out of the corner of her eye, she watched him struggle, working his thoughts with the restless twisting of his hands between his knees. It was a nervous tick she had learned to read ninety days ago. But this time, she didn't know how to make it any better.
"I know you probably feel like you've made a mistake," Jack continued, his voice and words slow and careful. "And I've given you every reason to feel that way, but I just..."
He paused again, looking out to the horizon as if what he wanted to say could be read in the waves.
"It means a lot," he said, nodding his head slightly. "That you still trust me."
Kate swallowed and felt the void his voice had filled drain like a slow leak, something like awkward tension replacing the emptiness. They sat silently, both trying to work their way around what needed to be said and falling short of that desired detour.
"I promise I'm not playing you," Jack offered, before shifting his weight forward to make his exit.
He had barely moved an inch when Kate suddenly reached for his arm, stopping his motion with a desperate grip. The connection shocked her as much as him, and she let go, recoiling as if stung.
"Jack," Kate sighed, weighing the standard explanation against the honest truth. "It was a mistake..."
She tried to steady herself with a shaky breath, and noticed his wince at her inopportune decision to doubt herself and quickly repeated it to hold his attention.
"It was a mistake," she said carefully, "to have ever doubted you. And it was a mistake to have believed that you had changed."
He was watching her intently, but Kate couldn't bring herself to look into his eyes. She needed to finish this, or it would never be said.
"It was a mistake when we left you behind. And it was a mistake..." She swallowed hard, knowing the next thing she was about to say would either destroy this reconnection or solidify it. Either way the permanence of the situation was imposing.
"And it was a mistake when I slept with Sawyer." Kate forced herself to look at him, to judge his reaction, to know what he wanted. Jack's eyes were guarded but attentive, interested but wary.
"But it was never a mistake to have trusted you." She reached for his hand, feeling a moment of relief when he didn't pull away. That contact somehow gave her the strength to finish.
"I said I had your back," Kate said. "And it would have been a mistake to betray that."
Jack smiled at the memory and ducked his head to hide his amusement. When he glanced back up, Kate could see the Jack she remembered in his hazel eyes, the one that wanted to say something in return but she knew wouldn't. And it would have been a mistake if he had; they didn't need that spoken forgiveness. It had always been there.
Finis