The thing about life is that you really have no idea how long you have left; no idea how much road you have left in front of you. You could have days, weeks, months, years or even decades to live but you'll never know until your day comes. The thing is, I thought my day had come and the thing was - I was terrified. The thought of death never really scared me, everyone had to pass away one time or another and the only thing that I could do was to pray that it wouldn't be painful. I kept chanting to myself 'Oh God please don't make it painful. Please, don't make it painful.' I thought about the family I would leave behind, never having another chance to tell them how much I love them. All of the time we spent together flashing in front of my eyes. Jamie being born, him starting school; all the way back to the first time my lips touched Gabby's. All of that lost in a blink of an eye. I tried to drag my thoughts away from those heartbreaking ones; I remember the screeches of the breaks on the truck as Cruz desperately tried to stop it from ploughing into the concrete wall in front of us. I remember the yell of terror from my men as we lurched through the traffic, and most of all I remember the fiery pain that spread across my body. Up my legs, in my heart, and especially in my head. I must have blacked out for a moment because the next thing I remember is my side door popping open and, because of my lack of strength, all I could do was slump towards it. I remember my best friend Kelly Severide yelling at me to keep holding on for Jamie, Gabby and Stefan; for the rest of the fire house.
I knew it was bad, I knew that I was going to die and the fact that it was right in front of me, staring me between the eyes was the most scary thing.
Kelly called for a paramedic and then everything happened all at once. Someone was supporting my neck; pressing gauze to my head, then I felt the jaws slowly try and move the mangled metal from around my legs. The pain kept pulsing like waves crashing against the ragged rocks of the seashore. Each one getting stronger and stronger until I couldn't take it anymore. I felt my brain slowly start to shut down. All feelings of reality that I had started to dissolve into a mix of pain and confusion. As Jamie and Gabby's faces flashed across my mind for the final time, my acceptance of death was beginning to grow. I'd had a good life, met the girl of my dreams and had the most amazing kid who would continue my legacy till the very end. I was thankful of what I'd had, it made my heart break that I had to say goodbye to it all in such a horrific way but it was my time. I let my eyes begin to flutter shut as the pain overwhelmed me all at once. Reality started to fade out as all the sounds began to muffle into one deafening mix of tones and words. It was my time and I was ready to accept it - with all the commotion around me, my world started to fade from a vibrant heaven to the grayscale tones of death. Then, everything went dark...
The sun was shining when Gabby stepped out of the district. The feeling of the sun on her face was something that didn't happen that often. Spring was coming and the harshness of the Chicago winter was something that everyone had to put up with. Down the sides of the district, flowers were slowly springing into bloom and the thought of new life put a smile on to her face.
Antonio had called her in for extended medical knowledge for a case he was working. Things like this didn't happen that often because usually Medical Examiner Thomas Willis was trustworthy, often Gabby thought it was just an excuse for them to spend a bit of quality bother and sister time together out of their busy schedules. It was nice, the way he thought of her like that. It's not that she didn't but Antonio was single, Laura lived in Florida with the kids that he wasn't allowed to see, so Jamie was the closest he had to seeing any of his younger family. Now that Stefan was working in homicide, picking Jamie up was getting harder and harder for him and so Antonio had alreally stepped in. Both him and Stefan took it in turn to have Jamie on the nights that Matt and Gabby were on shift. However, every once and a while Jamie slept over at fire house just for old times sake. The one thing that continued to amaze Matt and Gabby was that Jamie had learnt to sleep through some of the klaxon calls. Sometimes, Matt would come jogging out of his office and see his son tucked up asleep on one of the bunks. With a little kiss placed gently on his forehead, Casey would continue his run towards his truck preying, like every other firefighter, that it wouldn't be the last time that he'd her his son. Gabby was the same. She always kissed him goodbye, awake or not, when she had a call as well. However today was different. They all thought that it was a normal day; Gabby would go back to the fire house and wait for everyone to come back from the house fire call they had, then her and Matt would go and pick Jamie up from school and bring him back to the fire house. That was all about to change.
Pulling the door open to Matt's truck, she slid in and swung the door closed. As she forced the key into the ignition, the engine turned over before it roared into action. Seconds later, the radio became audible and Gabby froze. It was reporting a crash that had happened about twenty minutes ago. Pulling up her purse, her heart slamming in panic as she listened to the radio and desperately rummaged for her phone. Then she found it, turned it over and turned it on. There were there missed calls from Boden; two from Kelly and one each from Brett and Herrmann. Something had happened and Gabby knew deep down what it was. She tried to push the thought from her head as she was beginning to feel sick. Pressing the dial button to Chief Boden's contact was nerve racking enough. She listened again to the radio. "It has has now been made clear that the lieutenant of the Truck Company had been to taken to hospital in critical condition. The extent of his injuries is unknown at this moment in time but stay tuned for more information about his condition. Now over to Lisa with the traffic in the area of the crash-"
Slamming her palm onto the on/off button of the radio the car fell into silence just as Boden answered the phone. "Gabby thank god." He sounded relieved as he finally got through to her. "Why weren't you answering your phone?"
It took a few seconds for Gabby to calm herself down. She didn't know of it was Matt that was in the crash, after all Boden seemed calm on the phone. She just had to get it together. Talking a deep wavering breath she began. "I didn't take my phone into the district with me. Chief what's going on, I just heard the radio - are you back at the house?" There was a long silence, Gabby's heart rate began to increase. "Chief?"
"Gabby, you need to come to Chicago Med as soon as you can, bring Jamie, Stefan or don't. I just-"
"It was Matt wasn't it?" She asked, her voice so quiet as she focused on the feeling of her heart breaking. This wasn't happening, it can't be!
"He's in critical condition." Boden paused as he waited for her to answer but she didn't, the phone line stayed silent. "Gabby, he's in emergency surgery as we speak."
"Do they think he's going to make it?!" She demanded, interrupting again, as she slammed the truck into gear and pulled away.
"They're not sure, but they wanted his family to be with him, this may be the last chance Jamie, Stefan and yourself see him alive was what Connor said to me - Gabby I'm so sorry."
Starting to feel the tears burn the back of her eyes, the knot in her throat was stopping her replying. Swallowing hard she tried to speak. "I'm on my way, I'm going to get Jamie and we'll be there. Less than ten minutes." She didn't wait for Boden's reply before she put the phone down and threw it back into her purse. Letting the tears stream down her face, she desperately held her breath to stop a sob from escaping her mouth as she raced towards Jamie's school - still unsure what she'd say to him when they saw each other.
The call started like any other one. Everyone was back at the house taking, eating breakfast and drinking coffee - a normal morning. I thought back to the conversation that Matt and I had last shift when Herrmann was telling Gabby about what happened at Molly's. Everything was normal. The familiar klaxon called out for us to race out to our trucks and head for the fire but that didn't happen. Thinking back to the last thing I heard Matt say to me before 81 impacted. My heart flew through my throat as I watched the truck slam into the wall. I knew it was bad, I was preparing myself for the whole of the company to be seriously injured but when I saw them moving around in the back my focus was all on Casey. The corner of the building was struck hard by 81's right side, exactly where the lieutenant sits. Deep down I knew that Cruz had done everything in his power to avoid it but it just wasn't enough. I remember how my thoughts began to cloud my focus as i caught Matt's lifeless body when i popped open his side door. I felt sick as i saw the blood that was running down the side of his face. The expression on his face was relaxed and it was the one think that was making me panic the most. He was strong and we all knew that but the fact that he'd already had a bad head injury was enough to make me panic. The only think that i could do was yell. Yelling had always been a way that i dealt with things, it was a bad habit and i knew it, but it was my way of coping. I yelled at him because i was angry at the driver who caused the crash. I was angry because Jamie may not ever have a father to come home to. I was angry that at this moment in time there was nothing that i could do to take his life out of danger. He was slipping away fast right in front of our eyes and it was terrifying. As i spoke to him at the start there were little grunts and sighs as he tried with all his strength to answer my questions but then it all went silent. We got him out eventually, i still cant believe that he was still just hanging on when we got him into the Ambo. As we raced through the streets of the city the cardiac monitor beeps slowly started to spread out and soon, before i knew it, he was coding. He was thrashing around on the gurney as Brett tried her absolute hardest to keep him alive at least until we got him to Med. I heard Danny yell in the radio that they were coming in hot with a critical patient. Time was racing by as i sat helplessly on the bench in the back of the ambulance. Just when Brett got his heart rate back, she had to shock him twice, it returned to normal - we all gave a sigh of relief. As we pulled into the ED driveway he coded again. We all know that its much harder for a person to come back after the second round of shocking. The Ambo pulled up to the doors and i kicked the back of the Ambo open, Brett was straddled across his chest starting CPR as Danny continued to squeeze the bag that was breathing for him. I jogged along side them as Brett and Danny began the handover to the doctors but i still couldn't bring myself to believe that this was all happening. It all felt like a nightmare, that Id wake wake up soon and Matt would be alive and well - that Id walk into the fire house and he'd already be there standing by 81, his incredible smile beaming at me as he said good morning with his clipboard in his hand. I stood in the doors and it all hit me at once. I felt the knot in my throat get tighter as the urge to cry was getting stronger and stronger. Looking at the trauma bay number that Casey had been taken into the severity of his condition hit me like a wave again. As we ran through the doors Maggie had yelled to Dr Choi that Matt had to be taken into 'Baghdad' that was when the real and raw panic had began to set in. Baghdad was reserved for the most life threatening injuries and my best friend, my brother, my fellow lieutenant had been rushed into. The image of his gray face, washed out by the amount of blood he'd lost, was burnt into the forefront of my mind, i was pretty sure that i was going to walk out of this hospital knowing that he had passed away, that i was never going to see him again. That was one of the most scary things. The fact that the last thing id said to him was some stupid, sarky comment and not taken the chance to tell him how much he actually meant to me. Matt was there for me when i lost Shay; he gave me a home and he was always the person who stood by me even if tried to push him away. He was my lifeline after everything that i had been through and there would never be a way for me to pay him back. Yeah sure we had our differences and sure we may not have got on all of the time but he was my brother; i trusted him with my life on a daily basis and if that wasn't enough to tell you how much he meant to me, i don't think that i would be able to do any better. Now that i could hear all the yelling from inside the bay, the whole of the area around me began to fade into one big mumble of sounds. I could hear doctors yelling for equipment and medication and the only word that stood out to me, that brought me back to reality was surgery. The word threw me back in time, back to even before Jamie was born, back when he had his first accident. I remember crystal clear what the doctor said to him. If anything happens like this again, i cant guarantee that you'll make it through like you did this time. When he was told that i knew that he wasn't going to give the CFD up, hes too stubborn for that. However much Gabby tried to make him thin about how serious his injury was, we all knew deep down that he was never going to give up being a firefighter. It was his love, his passion and the one thing that was possibly going to take his life away. I stood there, fight in the middle of the busy ED trying to make sense of the situation, trying to make myself believe that this wasn't happening. However many times i told myself that, it never came true...
Gabby was walking down the corridors of Jamie's school. It had been a long time since she had ever needed to come to get him from his class like this, the last time she tried not to think about. The time where he collapsed in his classroom and had to be taken to hospital - where he nearly died. She shook it from her head and tried to piece together what she was going to say to her son when she saw him. Of course Jamie was going to be confused in the fact that his mother had come and picked him up early from school; the think was, Gabby was sacred how Jamie would react when she told him that his father was hurt and in hospital. Jamie had never cried before, well not since he was a baby and she was afraid that he may not know how he should deal with the news. Would he just sit there in silence; would he cry uncontrollably, or even would he be angry? She kept telling herself, as she walked down the silent corridors of the school, that coming to get him was the best thing to do. She didn't want to have the heavy burden on her shoulders that she could have had Jamie at the hospital when Matt died. However much it hurt her to think about it she couldn't get the thought out of her head. Matt was the only thing that kept her sane, the one person that was always there for her, no matter what happened, no matter what she did and however she reacted.
As she reached Jamie's classroom the overwhelming urge to cry was coming on her all at once. Leaning up against one of the walls she steadied herself. She didn't want Jamie to see her like this. Gabby took a deep breath and knocked on the door. Through the little window she watched the teacher look up from her laptop and, with a smile, begin to head for the door. After all of the parents evenings that both Matt and Gabby had attended throughout Jamie's school career, the teacher, Miss Askew, seemed pleasantly surprised to see her standing there. It was as if Miss Askew knew that something was wrong, as she opened the door and carefully slid out so she was facing Gabby in the corridor her expression changed. "Miss Dawson, is everything okay?" her voice was steady but full of concern.
Gabby summoned every inch of strength as she opened her mouth to speak, but no matter how hard she tried she couldn't stop a few tears from falling. "Matt, my husband - you know him - has been injured on the job-" she got out just before she had to swallow a sob. "They, they think that this may be the last time that Jamie may be able to see him alive. I checked with the office and they said that it's fine to take him out of class, so, i - errm, i'm here to collect him."
The expression on Jamie's teachers face was the one thing that told Gabby that she was going to be okay. Without saying anything, Miss Askew nodded her head and reentered the room. After hearing a little muffle of sound through the closed door, she turned and pressed her back to the cold stone wall. Opening her eyes, Jamie was standing there, his blue eyes brighter than ever before.
They where standing out in the dimness of the room but the one thing that made Gabby's heart lurch was the fact that, like the way he always had, Jamie was the spitting image of his father.
Without thinking about it, Gabby locked her eyes to her son's as she lowered herself to the floor. She then wrapped her arms around him, pulling him closer, tighter into her embrace. As she crouched down and had her arms wrapped round Jamie, the whole situation seemed to hit her like nothing ever before.
The last time Matt had his accident Gabby was there, she was able to help him on the way to the hospital. At this moment in time, Gabby had no idea what had happened - other than the fact that 81 had been in a crash - and she felt, deep down, that she should have been there. That maybe if she hadn't gone to see Antonio at the district then maybe this would never have happened. What if they'd left the firehouse that split second later? What if they'd hit a red light a couple blocks before? What if the driver of the car that swerved was ill today and didn't drive? Thoughts swarmed Gabby's mind as she buried her face closer into her son's neck. The need to cry was so strong now but she was using every ounce of strength to keep herself from showing how she really felt.
Shocked to see his mother in such a way, Jamie straightened up almost immediately as he carefully brought his arms around his mother. The silence of the room was the thing that was telling him that something was wrong. He knew that his mother was one of the strongest women he would ever know, and for her to be like this - rather than the happy and smiley person she usually was - he knew something was very wrong. Clearing his throat, that brought him out of his daydream, he began to speak. "Mum," he said, his voice coming out almost a whisper as it bounced off the cold walls of the hallway. "What's going on? What's happened. I deserve to-" The look that Gabby gave him when she pulled away stopped him from taking in an instant. Looking straight at Jamie, Gabby was the same height as him when she was crouched down, they both stood in silence for a moment as Gabby tired to find the right words. "Is it dad? Mum, please tell me that he's okay. Tell me that you're only here to tell me that everything's okay." He demanded. He seemed so in control of his emotions, so determined to hear the truth from his mother that he was only just letting some emotion slip. "Tell me dad's okay."
Gabby was sure that if she told Jamie the truth that he would be able to handle it, she was one hundred percent sure that he could but she still couldn't bring herself to tell him. Every time she though of Matt lying in a hospital bed, monitors and machines keeping him alive entered her head, the knot in her throat grew tighter. Raising her eyes so that they where strong and narrow, right in line with Jamie's, she reached the small distance between them and cupped his cheeks in her hands. She could feel Jamie's lip quiver just slightly as she looked deep into his eyes, searching them for any other clue to how he was felling, but like his father, he was excellent at hiding his emotions. "Your dad's been in an accident." She had no idea how the words came out, so she just said what really happened. "Jamie, i know that you're scared and worried about everything - because i am to, but we're going to get through this together. All of us. Me, you, uncle Stefan and Antonio as well as everyone from 51. Everything is going to be okay-"
"But what if it's not!" Jamie began to cry. "What if everything's not going to be okay, then what happens?" Gabby was far to shocked to do anything at this moment in time. Jamie hadn't cried in a way like this ever since he was ill with cancer almost four years ago, because of this, she wasn't quite sure how to handle the situation. She didn't know whether to pull him into the tightest hug would make things better or worse. The one thing that kept running through her head was that maybe she was unsure of how to handle the situation, but Matt wouldn't. He was a natural parent, the way that he and Jamie had this bond, the way that Matt could find the route of any one of Jamie's problems. Everyone who knew him needed him now, the one time that they couldn't, the one time that they needed help getting past this rocky patch was the one time that their aid was unavailable...for some, that would be enough to send them over the edge.
I remember the first time i met him. It was so gracious and not at all stuck up. He was all smiles and chuckles as he pushed his blonde hair out of his face.
I'd had a hard start in life, with the Navy and what-not. I never thought i'd have the chance to meet someone like him, well in my opinion i didn't deserve to. I've been called a lot of thing in my time, a murderer was one that came up a lot, but it never phased me. I did a job that not many people would have the balls to do and that made me feel proud. I was a mess when i was discharged. I'd lost all my men in Afghanistan and in a way, it was my fault. Jason Cole was the one person, back then, that mad me feel loved. After all, i was an 18 year old woman leading a US black-ops team of men to infiltrate and enemy arms base. Not you're everyday job i'll tell you that for free.
When i came to Chicago it was a big change for me. I was officially discharged and the likelihood of me returning back to the Navy was so small i almost forgot it was there. I remember my first day at 51 and i will forever. It had just opened, and when i say first opened, i mean me and the other guys who work the same shift as me where the first ones to step foot in the brand new firehouse. 51 was the start of something, a family that i truly felt apart of, one i wanted to be with.
As the years went past people flashed in and out of our lives. Matt was engaged to Hallie and i hadn't found anyone who made me feel like he made me feel. He didn't know that i liked him - no one did... I wanted him and him alone. I remember the third shift i had ever worked at 51. I had my service weapon in my hand, that i kept in my locker because it felt strange not having it close to me, and i was ready to end it all - that was when he walked in. I had to quickly hide it before he got the wrong idea, before i pushed him away forever. He sat beside me on the newly installed bench and talked me down. He didn't know it at the time but i did. Of course i knew it at the time but i was in love, clear and simple and i didn't want anyone else. Matthew Casey was the one person that made me feel special, that made me feel like the only girl in the world and it felt strange in a way; having someone that truly cared about me. Now we're 16 years down the road and everything that i know and love may be taken from me. When the call came through that he was in surgery i can't believe that i was able to hold myself together. My whole world collapsed in on itself and i was unsure that i would be able to handle the news, let alone be able to tell Jamie. However, I was his mother and this was one of the duties i owed to him. Coming to his school and telling him what had happened was one of the hardest things I'd ever done in my life, so much harder than war. But like his usual gracious self, Jamie took it in his stride. I am so thankful that i have a son like him, who is super sweet but incredibly strong and resilient. No matter what happens, Jamie will always be like Matt, he'll never change and I'm one hundred percent sure of that. That's because he's had a good up bringing, a good life so far and he knows how to behave. Herrmann always sums Jamie up in the most perfect way 'though he may be small, but he'd be mighty inside.' If Jamie's in the room i always see this look of confusion flash across his face; he may not know it yet, but he will do one day. He'll know, eventually, how powerful he is and i can guarantee that one day he's going to make a difference, save someone's life.
Now, as we're driving over to the hospital my heart's in my mouth, stopping me from speaking, and the car is completely silent. Jamie's dealing with the news in his own way, he goes quiet when he's scared or worried, but I'm not worried that he won't be able to deal with the sights of his father - it's me that may not be able to handle it.