"Kendall?" I whispered, staring down at my best friend in his bed.

"Hmm?" He muttered, not opening his eyes. It had been a long day at the studio and we had all gone too bed early, tomorrow was another long day.

"Can I get in with you?"

It was a question I hadn't asked him for years. When we were young in Minnesota and we had sleepovers, I would get terribly homesick. The first time I couldn't sleep for hours and the following morning I broke down as soon as my mom came to pick me up. Little eight-year-old Logan found it scary to be in someone else's house, which held different ghosts that I wasn't used to.

I kept off sleepovers for as long as I could, or I would suggest my three friends stayed at my house, but a few months later came Kendall's birthday and we were invited to stay the night. I was terrified going into it and I was nervous the whole day, thinking about the night.

We piled into Kendall's room and stayed up late talking each other ghost stories, until we were too tired to keep our heads up. James, Carlos and Kendall fell asleep quickly, while I curled up in my sleeping bag and jumped up at every scary sound I heard. I wanted to go home, sleep in the room next to my parents' and feel safe.

I was ready to give up when Kendall crawled out of his bed and crouched down next to my pillow. "Logie? Are you scared again?"

"Y-Yes," I whimpered. Maybe Kendall could tell his mom to call mine so she could come get me home.

"Come," He whispered to me, pulling on my arm. I struggled to get out of my sleeping bag and followed my much braver friend back to his bed. We got in together, facing each other. "Now I'll protect you," Kendall told me. "Do you have nightmares?"

"Sometimes."

"Katie does too, then she sleeps with me or with mom and she's not scared anymore."

"Oh."

"So maybe this helps for you too. Are you feeling better?"

"A little bit."

Kendall tugged at the blanket until it was over our heads. "I sleep with the blanket over my head when I'm scared," He explained. "It's a shield, nothing gets through when you're under it. Sometimes I read like this too, with a lantern, no one can see it."

"I read with a lantern too," I replied, not feeling so left out anymore.

"It's cool, right? Like you're in a tent. When I went camping with dad we always used lanterns."

Kendall's dad died in a car crash when Katie was a baby, but he never much talked about him. "Camping is cool," I said uneasily, not knowing how else to respond.

"I was never scared when he was still here," He whispered, eyed wide and his voice way softer than before. "But now I am sometimes. And I miss camping in the woods."

"I can ask my dad if you can come with us?" I proposed. "We'll share a tent and a lantern!"

Even in the dark under the blanket I could see him grin. "I would like that."

I fell asleep easily that night. Every single sleep over we would crawl in one of our beds and talk long after Carlos and James had fallen asleep. It helped me greatly and I knew Kendall enjoyed it too, or he would stop initiating it.

As we grew older sleepovers got fewer and it didn't happen as much. The last time I remembered we were fourteen and we'd been on our first double date. My parents were gone for a weekend so I stayed at the Knight's. The date had been fun, besides that I didn't know how to interact with the girl I was on a date with. I never had as much fun with girls as I had with my friends, as I had with Kendall.

I told Kendall that when we were under the blanket and he told me that he knew, and that it was okay. At that time I thought he'd been talking about the date and girls, but when I later learned that I was more interested in guys because I was attracted to them I saw what he told me in a different light. Kendall had known before me, he had accepted it before I even realized it myself.

We moved to LA and we lived together, so sleepovers were unnecessary. I shared a room with Kendall for three years and I never again felt the need to get in next to him. Apartment 2J had felt more like my hone than any other place before. I missed my mom and the life we had in Minnesota, but I had all my friends with me, and mama Knight and Katie made a great surrogate family. It was good.

"Uh, sure," Kendall muttered sleepily and pulled the blanket back so I could get in beside him.

I did, marveling at the warmth another person brought. Kendall turned onto his side and slung his arm over my side, quickly falling back asleep. I closed my eyes and focused on the heavy arm that held me down. It was soothing, warm and safe. Things I missed out on the past few years.

Eighteen-year-old Logan had different reasons for sharing a bed with someone than fourteen-year-old Logan had. It used to be a comfort thing, something because I was feeling bad and needed someone close for a while to feel better. Now it was different, I got over my homesickness and I wasn't scared of nightmares any longer.

I just didn't want to feel alone anymore.

The last months had been difficult on that front. All my friends suddenly had girl friends and we didn't hang out as much anymore, or they brought the girls and I turned into a seventh wheel. It was just sad and whenever they decided to catch a movie I rather passed than tag along. Besides that clingy couples were just really annoying, I was jealous of them all. More than anything I wanted to hold someone's hand, lean against someone's side and exchanged sweet words and kisses.

I wanted to not be alone for once.

Kendall snored softly and I felt it was safe enough to get closer to him. It was just for now, I told myself, just this night with another person next to me. I pressed my back against his chest and closed my eyes, feeling blood rush to my face when Kendall's arm tightened around me.

This was good. For now it was good.

I woke up the following day when Kendall was already gone. That was strange for him; he never got up early. I shrugged it off though, it was probably better he was up. This way I wouldn't have to explain what I was doing in his bed and why I wanted another person close so badly. It had been a good night though, I realized when I sat up and didn't feel the usual soreness in my shoulders and back. We had to go back to the studio for another day of recording and dance practice, tour was coming up and according to Gustavo we weren't nearly ready yet. A good night's sleep would help deal with his nagging.

I saw Kendall again when we all piled into the car to get to the studio. We'd passed each other while getting ready, but since we were late we didn't really talk. He acted perfectly normal around me though and we goofed off watching James and Carlos bicker. Nothing told me he was bothered by my sudden appearance at his bed tonight and I was glad. I had anticipated some kind of cold treatment of ignorance from his side. Maybe he wouldn't even mind if I did it again, should I feel the need to... No. One night, that was what I'd allowed myself.

The day passed smoothly. We only got yelled at by Gustavo twice, once was all James' fault because he refused to wear a certain shirt for a picture and the second time we apparently weren't in tune with the music. Whatever that was supposed to mean. I caught Kendall staring at me a couple of times, which he didn't stop doing until some noise made him look up or someone bumped into him. He looked completely out of this world and I wondered why, it was a bit unnerving.

Almost as soon as we got home Jo showed up and the two of them went off to get

smoothies. Lucy came over too and James took her to his and Carlos' room, giving us a look that told us not to follow. Until dinner I tutored Carlos in algebra, almost losing my patience after realizing he'd never taken the effort to even learn the basic rules. It was fine though; he got it just before I exploded.

We ate together and again I noticed how much Kendall looked at me, even when I wasn't talking and while his girlfriend was sitting right next to him. I tried not being bothered by it too much, but I got the feeling he had something on his heart that he didn't know how to talk about.

After dinner Kendall walked Jo back to her apartment, which almost always meant he wouldn't come back until an hour later. Stuff, was what he answered when we asked him what he had been doing, which always had James and Carlos smirking while I looked away.

That my friends were having sex was great for them, I just felt better not knowing about it. Carlos said goodnight after grabbing his bag and left to spend the night with Stephanie, something he'd been doing a lot lately. I was happy for him, this was his first serious girl friend ever and she was so good to him. She was slightly older and I overheard Carlos talking to James one night about how she had more experience, but James stayed really calm under it and told him to just be honest and be himself, because that was what she had fallen for in the first place. I was surprised how understanding he was and didn't make fun of Carlos. He was really good to Lucy. For the first time he was acting like himself around a girl, like we knew him to be. After he finally managed to make her like him, they fell in love fast and I'd caught them exchanging really soft looks with each other. It was sickeningly sweet, but I loved it. That was what I wanted to.

Somehow, James' and Carlos' relationships felt more honest than Kendall's. I had no idea what it was, but it was as if their feelings for each other didn't go as deep. While James and Carlos often spent nights over at their girls', Kendall never stayed over at Jo's or took her here. They fought more too and it was so clear how annoyed my blonde friend was by that. I'd asked him if he wanted to talk about it, but he never really answered that question. Always finding some way around it. I thought it was odd, but it had never been any different so maybe that was just how it worked for them. Kendall and Jo had a lot of good moments too.

I went to bed before he got home; James and Lucy were watching a movie on the couch and I didn't want to wait until they started making out before leaving. It always happened. I was engrossed in a book and I didn't even notice Kendall came in until he snapped his fingers. "Earth to Logan."

"Oh, hey. Sorry, I love this book."

He cocked his head to read the title. "Inkheart? You've read that a million times."

"It's not any less good than the first time. This world Maggie lives in... I can't imagine how someone came up with that."

He chuckled and shook his head. "I can't imagine how you're still not bored with it after so many times."

"Thank goodness you don't have to read it."

"I didn't mean it that way," He said it apologetically. "I'm just amazed how you can get so passionate over a book."

"Oh. Sorry." I felt my cheeks getting red. I forgot sometimes how much of a fan girl I could be. "This one is exceptionally good."

"Hmm. Maybe I should give it a try sometime."

I felt like my eyebrows raised themselves off my forehead. "You're willing to read a book? For fun?"

"Well, you can't get enough of it, so it must at least be a little bit amusing," He said casually, while keeping his eyes on his phone.

I narrowed my eyes at him; feeling that something was up once again. "Are you sick?"

"What? Now I can't even show interest in what my best friend is doing anymore?" He had a small smile on his face, as if he was apologizing for intruding in my life.

"No, of course you can." I closed the book and held it out towards him. "Here, I'll start in the sequel."

Kendall grinned at me and I felt my heart skip a beat. This had never happened before. He took the book from me and sat on his bed while I got up to get the other book. By the time I was back in bed, Kendall had turned his back on me and had started reading. It had me smiling slightly, I hoped he liked it. It would give us something to talk about again and that made me feel strangely excited. I'd missed talking to him.

I never noticed how broad Kendall's back was, I thought as I watched him read, he couldn't be doing under for James. The blond was leaner though, from playing hockey, while James got buff in the gym. I found I appreciated that, the subtlety of strength over the obviousness of it. I felt it was more dangerous. Perhaps that was why James always backed off in fights with Kendall.

I felt my cheeks growing red the moment I realized this was my best bud and I was checking him out. Heck, I even thought he was attractive and a pleasure to look at! I quickly turned my attention to the book, pushing all those thoughts away. It was the result of feeling so lonely, of seeing how everyone around me had a steady, satisfying relationship with someone they really liked. I sighed, quickly feeling my mood drop again. I didn't want to feel like that anymore and I would love it to finally have something like they had. I wanted to have someone to stop watching a movie with to make out instead, I wanted to say goodbye to my friends to go spend a night with someone I loved, but most of all I wanted there to be a person just for me. Someone I could go to and share deep feelings with.

I put the book on my nightstand as soon as I figured I wasn't into it anymore. I was allowed to feel sorry for myself for a bit, after all there was no one else who would do it for me. I turned away from Kendall and closed my eyes. The sleep came to me easily tonight.

I woke up several hours later. I glanced at my phone for the time and wondered why it was so light in the room when it was this late. I turned around and saw Kendall fast asleep, one of his hands between the pages of Inkheart and his lamp still on. I smiled softly and got up. I carefully took the book and put a piece of paper between the pages so he could continue there later and then went to cover him with his blanket.

Kendall felt really warm I noticed when I touched his arm. I remembered how great that had felt last night, in his arms and against his chest. It wasn't a sticky, uncomfortable kind of warmth; it was soft and soothing, engulfing my whole body and not just the places where he touched me.

I couldn't resist it.

I took his arm and lay down under it, immediately feeling better. I lay on my side facing him and got lost in his heavy scent. This was the last time, I told myself. Kendall didn't mind or he would have said something about it today, but that didn't mean he would tolerate this every night.

I blushed when Kendall tightened his grip on me and his hand rested on my lower back. I saw James do that a lot with Lucy while they were walking and I'd always wondered what it felt like to have someone behind you, protecting you. I loved it. My eyes were falling, I felt so good. It was impossible not to get sleepy here. I put my cheek against Kendall's chest and quickly drifted off.

I slowly woke up the following morning, yawning wide before opening my eyes. Kendall was once again out of bed, but this time he was standing shirtless at his dresser. "Good morning," He said, smiling at me before taking his clothes and walking into the bathroom.

I was confused. That was his reaction? Not what the hell are you doing in my bed? Or dirty fag what do you want from me? Well, the last was a bit too much. Kendall was the not at all bothered by me being gay. James and Carlos didn't care either, but the two of them were always a bit hesitant around the subject. I was still wondering about it while I got dressed and started breakfast.

Nothing interesting happened the whole day and by the time I decided to go to bed -on Thursdays I always got the TV to myself because I followed the documentaries on Discovery about Gorilla's no one bothered to watch with me. Kendall had gone to see Jo on set and James and Carlos were doing who knew what who knew where. I always used to like these nights alone, but since I barely saw my friends outside of the studio anymore they'd gotten boring. I would much rather go to the arcade or hang out at the pool with them. Until a few weeks ago I went to Camille on the nights I really couldn't take the silence anymore, but that option was no longer open. She'd finally had her big break through and had gotten the main part in a big Canadian production. She moved to Vancouver.

I stared at the ceiling for a long time, thinking of something that would interest my friends enough to abandon their girls for a night to hang out with me. I didn't even think they noticed how much they were away or how often it was just me here with Katie and mama Knight. I loved both Knight ladies to death, but they weren't the company I was longing for.

I was getting tired and figured I should be glad Gustavo was working us so hard; this way I could spend more time sleeping.

I was already half asleep when I heard the door opening. I listened to the noises Kendall made while drifting off and was about to go under when I felt the blanket taken off of me and a large body sliding in behind me. Kendall curled around me and held me close, his hand now slowly rubbing my stomach. I had to fight to start purring in contentment, it would probably be awkward if he knew I was awake.

I wondered what this meant. Would this be a thing now? That one of us would sneak in with the other when they were asleep? No, that would be weird. Kendall probably had a fight with Jo or something and didn't want to be alone for the same reasons I didn't want to be.

Just when I thought he'd fallen asleep he put his head closer to mine on the pillow, he put his nose in my hair and inhaled deeply. He sighed softly and tightened his grip on me, crossing his arm over my chest. I kept really still and barely managed to keep on breathing. This shouldn't be happening, it was just sleeping together. But then I felt Kendall's lips against my neck; placing soft kisses to all places he could reach. I shivered involuntarily and he stopped, moving his head back to his own side. Did he know I was awake? Or was he afraid this had woken me up?

I kept pretending and knew he was out when I heard a soft snore next to my ear. I let go of the tension I'd been holding and closed my eyes. I realized I was getting a soft spot for my blond friend and it was probably better to put an end to this before... I didn't know.

Maybe I should propose to do something as friends. Maybe if I offered to pay he would come with me to see that exhibition on deep-sea animals... I've wanted to go for a while and I was ready to go alone, but Kendall was my best shot if I wanted to take a friend, he'd agreed to come with me to other exhibitions... Perhaps this was a good thing after all; maybe I would see him more often because of this.

We went to school on Friday and as usual I spent the whole morning trying to explain what we'd been doing to Carlos while I tried listening to Kendall helping James to correct him if he said it wrong. It was tiring, but I did it gladly. My friends tried their best, but none of them was into it. James had all his bets on the band and didn't expect to need to go to college to earn money. Carlos had honestly no desire to and would probably end up being a stuntman somewhere and Kendall still wanted to hockey, which was why he spent most of his Saturdays in the rink to practice.

It was okay though, with the amount of money we'd been making with the band we didn't really have to work. Ever.

It was a good day, I decided when neither James nor Carlos failed their homework assignments and Kendall even got an A-. I thought it was impressive how he kept up his grades while doing everything else he did. After Miss Collins gave us our homework for the next week she let us go early. I decided to just ask if they wanted to hang out. "Hey, do any of you feel like getting smoothies at the park?"

Carlos was gone before I'd even finished my sentence and I remembered I'd heard him say earlier that today was his three-month anniversary. At least he had a legitimate reason.

"Sorry buddy, I'm taking Lucy stargazing and I have to prepare a picnic."

I'd gone stargazing many times and James never once wanted to come with me, it was always too cold outside which was bad for his skin. It only hurt a little bit. "Oh, that sounds fun. See you later then."

I turned to Kendall hopefully, but the uncomfortable look on his face told me he didn't have spare time either. "Jo asked me to read lines with her and I've already put this off too many times, it really sucks."

Kendall looked genuinely sorry he couldn't go with me instead and for some reason that didn't make it easier. "Oh, that sounds lame," I said weakly. "Hopefully she won't make you do it for long."

"I hope so too. Maybe tomorrow? Those smoothies?"

I nodded. "Yeah, okay."

He smiled at me and left. Those smoothies would never happen.

I should never have asked. None of my friends has bothered to hang out with me if it wasn't a necessity, like needing help with homework or some other problem they couldn't solve themselves. Of course they wouldn't come for a smoothie. Instead I worked on my homework for the next week by the pool and helped mama Knight with dinner, which none of my friends showed up to. I could tell that Mrs. Knight was a bit disappointed by that; she'd always liked a full house.

I hadn't forgotten about my plan to ask Kendall to come with me to the museum, but I wasn't really feeling it today. Being blown off once was bad enough, I didn't need to be told he had no time the next ten years or so. This morning he was gone before me, and Kendall probably thought I never knew he was with me. He acted different today, more like he used to do three days ago. As if everything was normal.

I was overanalyzing this, I told myself. Kendall just thought he was doing me a favor by getting in bed with me. He would probably ask me soon if something was up and would expect me to tell him why I got in with him the first night. That wouldn't be all bad; maybe being honest about feeling lonely would make him spend more time with me. If only we could get our weekly movie night back I would be happy.

I would talk to Kendall if he ever started about it, I decided. He'd always accepted me and he would understand.

I crawled back in bed that night, feeling slightly better about this day and my life. Maybe I should try that silly dating app, Camille told me about. She used it to meet new people in her area to build a friendship. It probably wouldn't be so bad to swipe through some pictures to see if there was anyone to have a nice conversation with and go on a date with.

I followed my own advice immediately and installed it on my phone, swiping guys left and right until I could no longer keep my eyes open.