Maybe Baby
Chapter 1: The Poem.
Aria was trying not to look at Ezra during English. Every time she looked at him and they accidentally locked eyes, their brown pools meeting, her heart would break all over again.
They had met each other at a bar, not knowing that he would soon be her teacher, and they started their... what were they even? They then discovered what kind of situation they were in, and Aria was sure they were right. Ezra wasn't. He eventually came to the conclusion that he couldn't be without her, and they heated back up. Now he had pulled out the plug again, and to say the least Aria was confused.
Who was he to decide what she wanted, what was best for her? If she wanted to be with someone her age then she would be. If she didn't wanna miss out on being a teenager, and if she didn't wanna hide out in his apartment then she wouldn't have wanted a relationship with. Not to say that the hiding out wasn't frustrating at times, but he was so worth it.
Why would he continue to make excuses for it not working out? Why would he make the decisions for her? Why would he try to decide what she wanted? Why wouldn't he just jump in? He claimed he liked her, but at the same time he didn't want her. Then he wrote the poem B-26 after he had broken it off, and she had done exactly what he thought he wanted for her. She had gotten together with Noel! She just hoped she could learn to love him as much as Ezra. She was just yet to admit that last part. Not that it mattered now.
Aria's favorite subject had always been English, especially since Ezra, but today she wasn't paying attention. Ezra was talking, and she was trying to avoid the gaze she could once in awhile feel upon her, but then she looked up and... her heart broke all over again.
She was writing in a little book she had, and to everyone else she appeared to be taking notes, but she wasn't. What she was writing was personal, and she probably shouldn't during class, but she was sad and frustrated, and when she felt that why she would always write.
She loved to write. That was one of the many things she had in common with Ezra, one of the things she also loved about him. He wrote. She hadn't admitted it to him, but she loved the poem he had written about her, but at the very same time she was pissed. How dared he say the things he said to her? How dared he tell her to do something, break it off and then write that poem? What right did he have when he didn't even want to be with her?
Why couldn't she stop thinking about him? With A lurking around practically every corner she should be worried about something else, but these days A was the last thing on her mind, and besides revealing that poem to her A hadn't really done much to harrass her.
So Aria spent her time avoiding her friends, her loving friends who she hadn't even trusted with the secret of Ezra yet, and she had spent her lonely days writing, too. Well, not so much writing these days, it was more sketching and doodling around what she had written, hoping inspiration would strike to write something new.
Sometimes Aria even wondered what would happened had she not gone into that bar that day. What if she had gone somewhere else to pass her time while waiting on Mike? Then she wouldn't have met Ezra, and her wouldn't be broken like this. He would just be her English teacher then with no feelings involved. Things would sure be easier, but she didn't wanna go back. She was glad to have met him even though her heart was breaking now. She just wished that somehow they could move forward together, but he had decided the fate of their relationship and pulled out the plug. She missed him deeply.
People started moving around Aria, but she was too wrapped up in her thoughts and doodling in her book that she didn't even notice, but she became aware of reality when Emily nudged her in the side because apparantly the bell had rung.
"Aria, the bell. It's lunch time." Emily told her with this voice that was just far too pitying, surely Hanna had told her about the boy in Iceland who allegedly had broken her heart. It wasn't really true, though. Sure, there had been a boy in Iceland, but he hadn't broken her heart. Ezra had, but she couldn't very well tell Emily that even though she was so sweet to care about her.
"Oh, okay." Aria said, trying to avoid a conversation with her taller friend. She pushed out her chair and got up, and then she offered Emily what she herself felt was a sorry excuse for a smile, and then she quickly hurried out of the classroom just leaving Emily there, stunned by the way Aria had been acting lately.
Ezra watched Aria leave the classroom, shortly after followed by Emily. This whole situation broke his heart because it wasn't how he had imagined this whole thing to turn out, not that he ever had imagined it to end well. He loved her dearly which he was still yet to tell her, but he didn't want her to miss her out on everything because she was stuck in his tiny little apartment.
He ran his fingers through his short, dark hair – a haircut he had gotten for her. Why did it have to be so difficult? Either choice he would have made would have made him selfish. It would have been selfish of him to have her miss out on all the things he had told her he didn't want her to miss out on, and it was selfish of him to just decide what she wanted, but he didn't want her to wake up one day in the future and realize that this had all been a terrible mistake.
He hated himself for this whole situation, though. It wasn't like he didn't see the hurt in her eyes when they locked eyes during class, and it wasn't like he didn't see the heartbreak when she was scribbling in her book during class as well. He felt the same way, but it was probably what was best for her even though it broke his heart. At least it didn't stop her from staying focussed in class with all she scribbled down in her book when he teached.
Her book? He looked up from his desk and noticed that Aria had forgotten her book in class. Some weird power took him over, and he pushed his chair away from his desk and slowly walked towards Aria's desk. There it was; her book. Open. It was very tempting. Maybe just a couple of lines?
Maybe baby is not enough
Either you're in or out of love
He had only just read a couple of lines, but he had this intense feeling that this poem or whatever it was perhaps was about him. He had to read on to be certain.
He picked up the book and slowly made his way back to his desk and sat down to read the poem. He knew it was wrong to read something so private without asking, but if you thought about it then she had already read the poem he wrote about, and technically it would only be fair for him to read the one she written about him too.
He read on;
Half is not all I got
I want you, but you're making things tough
Those few lines made him absolutely certain that the poem was about him. Had he really hurt her that much to inspire her to write a poem like that? He felt extremely guilty and decided to mainly just skim the poem, as he had a feeling that it would only hurt him in more ways than one if he read it completely. Just four lines had made him feel depressed about the decisions he had made.
I'll give you a kiss or three for your dedication
Anything to make you try
And stop making me cry
I'll give you a kiss or three for your commitment
Anything for you to go all in
Everything to hear you say
You really do want me
All these different thoughts and feelings were rushing through him. Thoughts like; but I do want you, I made a terrible mistake, what a talent and I love you. Feelings like; regret, love, hurt and pride. It was more than he could take this poem, but he couldn't stop reading.
You give me half, but I want it all
I want you to catch me if I fall
You're always one foot in and one foot out
I lift us up, but you let me down
He lifted his hand and placed it on his cheek, was that a tear? He was so proud of the girl he loved for having written this. It felt intense and he hated himself for having somewhat inspired this. How could he have hurt Aria like that? It hadn't been his intentions at all! He just wanted her to be free, to be happy and be able to live her life the way she wanted to, but that had been selfish.
For every line of Aria's poem that he read it brought him even more certainty, and he more and more realised that he had infact been incredibly selfish. It became clear to him that he hadn't given her what she'd wanted. He should have asked her what she wanted, instead of just deciding it all for her. Instead of blowing it all when this felt like real love.
Why did he continue to read this when it only made him realize how stupid he was, and when it only made him regret all that he had done? But he had to keep reading. He had to.
Why are you so afraid to try
And run all the way to the finish line
Then we could really be something
But you still give me nothing
He slowly came towards the end of the poem, and it had never been clearer to him just what a big mistake he'd made. He had to fix it. He had to get her back somehow, but where would it even leave them? They would still have to hide out, and she deserved way more than that. If only they could be together somewhere, where they didn't have to hide out like that.
Something needed to be figured out – fast. All he knew was that he couldn't not be with her. When he handed her back her book he would have thought of something. He had to – that was decision that he had made. She was simply to precious to hide away.
Maybe baby is not enough
It was lunch time, and even though Aria hadn't exactly been very talkative with her friends late, she still sat down with them at their usual table. She wished she could tell them about her Ezra, but she couldn't. It wouldn't be fair to him even though they weren't exactly anything anymore.
Spencer was very caught up with this whole A thing, figuring out who exactly A was. When Spencer wasn't talking about A – which rarely ever occured – she was trying to figure out who exactly killed Alison. Were A and Ali's killer one and the same? So on and so on. Aria didn't even have to listen to their conversation to know what they were discussing.
Hanna would make cracking remarks every once in awhile and try to help, and Emily would try to help as well, but would also be second guessing and stuff. Emily wasn't as comfortable in all of this as the rest of them were, but who would actually be comfortable? Emily was still the worst, though.
Aria couldn't be bothered these days. She grabbed her fork and dug into her vegan food with it. She couldn't exactly say she was hungry, but she had to eat. It was difficult for her to have time for eating when she was sort of perfecting her dwelling abilities.
Spencer gave Aria a light push to bring her back to the table. "Where's your head at?" She asked, sounding as concerned as Hanna and Emily managed to look. None of this was fair to them, but what was she supposed to do?
"Nowhere." Aria replied and just as the words escaped her mouth, she could see that neither of her friends were buying it. So she attempted a joke; "You know that."
"That's not funny, Aria." Emily chipped in from where she was sitting, being the most concerned out of all of them. She hated seeing a friend like this – whatever this was. "You've been acting strange lately, and you haven't spoken to us for real in like forever. What's up?"
"Is it the boy from Iceland?" Hanna wanted to know, mainly because Aria had led her to believe there had been someone significant in Iceland, and now she seemed extremely depressed so Hanna put two and two together.
"Yeah, sure." Aria said and tried to shrug it all off. Why were they giving her the third degree all of the sudden? "It's the boy from Iceland." Why was she lying? It was wrong, but she just wanted to dwell on her own. She would write her thoughts and feelings down in her book, and then... "Shit! I forgot my book."
She pushed away her tray and ran as fast as she could out of the cafeteria. She knew she had left the book in Ezra's class, and she couldn't get there fast enough.
She preceeded running through the halls of school. She knew she wasn't supposed to, but she had to get that book back straight away. It contained very personal things that no-one was supposed read. Mainly things about Ezra, but how else was she meant to vent when she couldn't possibly confide in her friends.
"Shit." She muttered as she realized her book had most likely been left open. That was just what she needed, for her book to be easy to read.
It was logical that her book would be that much more tempting to read then. Who wouldn't be tempted to read a book if it was lying somewhere, opened. She sped up her run so she'd get there faster, eliminating the possibily of someone having already read it.
She reached Ezra's classroom in no time and burst through the door, and there sat Ezra by his desk with her book open. Great, the last person who was supposed to read her poems had her book.
Ezra looked touched somehow, emotional if you will. He looked up at Aria, knowing she had come for her book. "I assume you came for this." He said, refering to the book. He closed it and took it in his hand as he stood up. She looked at him, struggling to find her words because of the hurt. "You're a great writer."
He handed the book back to her which she accepted, but she didn't reply at first. When she finally found her words she spoke with such a fragile voice, and it felt like it could break at anytime; "You read my stuff?"
"Yeah, and it was..." He led off and was about to compliment her, hoping to turn everything around somehow, but she cut him off before he could even finish.
"No, I meant; you read my stuff!?" Her voice had regained its strength, and she sounded really mad that he had just read her stuff. It was something personal, and no matter how close they had once been that wasn't for anyone else to just read. "How dare you?"
He looked it her standing there, her angry eyes piercing right at him. How was he gonna get her back? What could he offer her? How could they move forward and be together? He was still her teacher, and he wanted to be with her so, so much, but he wanted to be able to take her out as well. How was he supposed to pull that off, especially with her seeming pissed at him now?
"I'm sorry, but I saw that you had left your book and went to get it, knowing you would come for it at some point, and the words just captured me." He tried to explain and sound apologetic, but her eyes clearly stated that she was far from impressed with her ex-lover.
Aria took this opportunity to channel her hurt into anger. What Ezra had done was far from okay, but on some level she felt some sort of relief that he had read it. At least he knew a little of what she had been feeling lately, though it didn't dig that deeply.
"And that excuses it?" Aria exclaimed, fighting back the tears she could feel beginning to form in her eyes. This whole situation was frustrating, and she didn't know what to make of him sometimes. "I don't get you? First you break it off with all these lame excuses of why we can't be together. Next you tell me you got a haircut for me, then you go away and I try to do what you wanted. I went out with Noel. Then I find out you've published a poem about me for everyone to read, which quite frankly made it all hurt just a little bit more, and now you have the nerve to read a poem I have written in a personal book of mine?" The tears became a little harder to fight. "That's messed up!"
It was messed up. Aria was right and he knew that, but he had never felt anything like this before. Sure, he had been engaged before, but this with Aria felt so much stronger and more real. He had to roll with the punches and hope that whatever this between them now was, that it would somehow lead to a window where he could get back with her, and he would somehow figure out how they could be without hiding.
"It was about me, wasn't it?" Ezra asked her with his most caring voice, not feeling angry like Aria and ignoring her last question. Answering that question would only lead them off track.
"Does it even matter?" Aria tried to avoid answering that question, offering Ezra another question instead, but with a saying look from Ezra she nodded her head as if to say yes.
Ezra to a step closer to her, feeling that with that nod he was closer to getting what he wanted. However that was gonna work out? He just knew he needed to be with her.
"I figured as much. It really hit me in the heart." He said just as caring as before, reaching out and placing his hand lovingly on her cheek with her closing her eyes, leaning in to his touch. There was his window. "Your words are very beautiful and made me realize some things."
Aria became aware of the fact that she had let her fortress fall, giving him a window of opportunity, but what did that mean? She immediately opened her eyes and stepped away from Ezra, looking at her with her beautiful pools now widened. Where was this going?
Looking slightly hurt by that action, Ezra quickly brushed it off and took that step closer to her that she had taken back. This was gonna go his way for once, not the way he just assumed was the best for her. It was about what was best for them now.
He looked down at her beautiful, small hands, taking them in his. He locked eyes with her and saw that she was shaking her pretty little head, as if she wanted to say 'please, don't do this to me'. It seemed like she was afraid to get hurt again, but never would he do that to her again.
He was about to speak that much she could sense, and she closed her eyes, praying for the best and anticipating the worst. This looked like it could be heading somewhere great, but you never knew. Every single time Aria thought she was certain of something the rug got pulled out from underneath her, and she was getting sick and tired of always landing on her butt.
"It made me realize that I haven't been fair to you, that I haven't thought about what you wanted." He finally spoke, and the tears Aria had attempted to fight back finally escaped the corner of her eyes, and he watched them travel down her cheeks. Choosing not to get sidetracked, he continued his speech; "You were right in your poem. I have only given you half when I should have given you it all. I've always been one foot in and one foot out, despite knowing that whatever we have between us feels so right."
"Don't..."
"I have to." He cut her off before she could even have an input. He needed to say this, and he needed her to hear this also. All of his heartfelt words needed to be said in order to maybe possibly getting the best thing that ever happened to him back. "It broke my heart reading your poem. You didn't want me to read it, but I did. That was wrong, but it led us here. It literally breaks my heart that I have made you feel that way. That was never my intention. I... I just wanted you be happy, but that wasn't really what my pour decisions did for you."
Aria pulled her hands out of his grasp while her tears ran dry, but her eyes were still watery so not much needed to be said before they'd begin again. How dared he say these things to her? The things she actually sort of wanted to hear? He broke her heart, and she needed more than words. She needed him back. That was the only thing that she was certain would mend it.
"Hearing that, Ezra, breaks my heart all over again." Aria tried to explain to him calmly, but though she wasn't crying the tears were clear in her voice, making it crack slightly. "I don't need your words. Your self-reflecting words. If that's what you thought I needed then you clearly didn't understand my poem."
This was difficult. Things would be a lot easier if she could at least where he was trying to go, but unfortunately that was not the case. It was for the best that way. He needed to tell her all these things. He needed to persuade her with his words, and even though she seemed a bit more resistant than what he had hoped for, then he had to hope that he would be able to succeed.
"I didn't exactly have to read between the lines to understand. You want it all. You want me to go all in." Ezra said and locked eyes with Aria again, and what was that he could see? Was that a glimpse of hope in her eyes? "I screwed up. Everything I have done lately has been mistake on mistake. Letting you go was the biggest, but what happens next isn't." He paused as he watched the hope in her eyes become much clearer. It thrilled him, and he carried on with four words he hoped she'd accept. "I want you back."
She looked at him intensely, and even though he could see the hope in her eyes turn into something, he still couldn't sense what she was gonna do or say next. He had his hopes, but you never knew with this not being your typical romance.
"It isn't that easy." She finally said and watched the hope Ezra's eyes fade away, and that was something she needed to fix fast. She loved him. "That's not what I meant. It's not that easy because I don't know where we go from here."
"Do we need to know?" Ezra asked probably a little too fast and too eager, but he was just so happy with Aria's last words. That meant there was a chance for them to be together. A big chance, and that gave him great joy because his love for her was that – great. "As long as we go there together? Wherever we go will be great because I love you."
This weird jolt went through Aria when she heard those words. Often had she thought those words about him, but never had she thought that he felt exactly the same way as her. She felt one more tear on her cheek, but she didn't mind that one because it was a tear of joy after hearing those words. She loved him, too. She wanted him back, too. That was all that mattered now. At least if they were to follow their hearts, but their heads still had to have their inputs.
"I love you, too." Her voice quivered as she revealed those words to him, and she could see him getting emotional about it as well. That was one of the reasons why she loved him: he wasn't like the rest.
"So what does that mean? Are we back together?" He wanted to know, and Aria nodded her head gently and barely noticable, but he still saw it. His heart was racing with happiness now. He caringly placed his hands on Aria's cheeks as he placed a tender kiss on her lips, and then he let go of her, watching her smiling back at him. "I just wish we could be together for real. I mean, this is for real, but I wish I didn't have to hide my love for you. I want to be with you a place where I don't have to hide you."
That was so much progress. It totally eliminated everything in her poem, and that was great except for; "Doesn't that leave us exactly where we were before?"
Ezra nodded. That was true, and he hated himself for having said that last part. That meant they still couldn't have each other, and if he hadn't said that last part they still could, but he couldn't unsay it and neither did he want to. It was the truth. He didn't want to have to hide his relationship with Aria, who was this incredible girl. Words didn't even exist to describe her.
He couldn't have her like he used to, and he didn't want to. He had made progress, and they needed to progress too, and that meant no more hiding what they were and how they felt about each other, but that wasn't possible in Rosewood. They would always have to hide there. They were teacher and student, and for their relationship to be okay he would have to not be her teacher, but still if he changed school he had still been her teacher.
They would have to wait years for it to be okay to show themselves together, maybe even an entire decade. People in Rosewood remembered very well as in: they rarely ever forgot anyting. So they would probably never be able to be together openly in their own town, but people in Rosewood didn't really matter that much. Aria's parents were probably the only two people in Rosewood whose opinion mattered, and what parents would ever be okay with their daughter dating her current or previous teacher? No-one.
So in Rosewood he would always have to hide Aria, and he didn't want to anymore. And then a thought struck him: they could never have real relationship in Rosewood, one they didn't have to hide. So there was only one option.
"Run away with me." As soon as the words had gotten past his lips he could see her freaking out, but it was the only way for their relationship to work.
"Have you lost your mind?" Aria questioned him with her voice being slightly raised now, but she could already see the answer in his eyes. He hadn't lost his mind. "Where would we even go?"
"Anywhere, does it even matter? Just somewhere we don't have to hide our relationship, and where we can be together for real." He explained to the love of his life, and she could hear how much he wanted this in his voice. How much he wanted to be with her, and how much he wished to not have to hide them anymore. It was tempting. "What do you say?"
"I..."
You give me half, but I want it all
Disclaimer; I don't own Pretty Little Liars. Book or show, though this is based on the show. I sometimes dream that I do :). Oh, but I do own the snippets of the poem in this fic – it's actually from a song I wrote some time ago :)
So I sat with my songbook a couple weeks ago – the book I write songs in – and I was reading through the entire book, and then I stumbled upon a song I once wrote called A Kiss or Three, and they reminded me of Ezria once upon a time on the show, but you can probably guess at what time, and that inspired me to write this. I hope you enjoyed the first chapter of what is going to be a fic consisting of three chapters. I enjoyed writing this chapter, and I hope you enjoyed reading it. In case you haven't figured this out yet: I'm a huge Ezria fan. I will most likely only write for them if I write more Pretty Little Liars, but one of my best friends is a huge sucker for Spemily so I have one of those in the works after this for her pleasure ;). Anyways, hope you enjoyed this and please review if so :)
Laters,
AK-tutti :)