I wrote this one for myself so no need to review. Set between 'Greeks Baring Gifts' and 'They Keep Killing Suzie' and everything has got a bit too much for Ianto. Rated K+ just for safety. Self-harm x2 and attempted suicide x about 6 and murder x1. Ianto's POV.
…..
The cold water of the shower trickled over Ianto making his shirt and trousers cling to him. He sat in the basin crying. He hissed as the water in the basin turned red. The blade sunk deeper and as all the red fluids came out so did all the memories…
First it was the memory of his mother trapped in the car. She was crying and bleeding badly. Ianto saw himself trying to get her out but the whole time she was screaming at him to get away. He pulled at the door handle and it came off launching him backwards. The car exploded. Engulfed in fire. Ianto ran at it, tears streaming down his face. Her screams could be heard miles away. Someone grabbed Ianto and held him back; he fought against them with all his might. Breaking free he ran over to the burning car and tries to get her out. Burning himself in the process. It was too late. She was dead. Seconds later, when the fire had been put out Ianto saw himself look across at the wreckage. His eyes focused on the blackened skeleton entwined in the metal coffin.
Second it was the memory of an awful day at school. Ianto landed on the ground hard. He'd been pushed. He'd cut his lip and not pushed himself back up. Horrid laughter filled his ears. Someone pulled him up and shoved him against a wall. His head was down, too weak and sore to hold it up. Someone yanked his head back and hit him. Again and again and again and again. Constant pounding. How long was it before a teacher came over? A minute? An hour? A day? the bullies dropped him bleeding on the ground. He'd thought they'd gone but one of them punched him in the stomach. A punch re-enforced with a knife. Ianto coughed up blood and clutched his tummy. How many people wanted him dead?
The blood turned a deeper red and became more intense. He moved the knife more and intensified it more. He felt so alive… right now he was in charge of his life for the first time and it felt good. So good…
Thirdly was at a busy road. Cars whizzing this way and that. Ianto was a grown man now. He was wearing his favourite hoody – if he was going to die he might as well wear his favourite clothes. There was a break in the traffic. He walked out and sat in the middle of road making himself look as small as possible so that when the drivers saw him it would be too late. A car came thundering down the road. Obviously over the speed limit which is what we wanted. The car screeched its breaks and hit Ianto. Knocking him out. Job done. Ianto woke up in hospital a couple of days later. Why was he so unlucky? Anyone else and they would have been killed.
Fourth was the time he tried to run away. He stood at the bus station. It was dark and cold. He pulled his jumper tighter around him as the bus pulled up. He took his ticket and phone out of his pocket. He made sure his phone was turned off – he knew if a phone was turned on it could be tracked. He got on the bus and sat at the back near the window with his hood up, covering his face. He travelled for miles and miles watching the country seep away before him. He got off the bus in a remote village. It was 4 in the morning and no one was about. He picked up his holdall and walked off into the fields. He found a dry bit under a rock, placing his holdall behind his head he laid down and went to sleep. He woke up next morning with a police looking him in the eye. Bollocks.
Fifth, the sand was getting caught up in Ianto's clothes but he didn't care. The flame licked at the wind and the hot wax trickled over the edge and onto his hands. Ianto wanted it to; something to remind this that he's still alive. The beach was a quiet place at night. The sea eating away at the shore like a cat at its milk. He liked it here, alone to think and alone to himself. He didn't care if anyone found him, how could they? All the way down a cliff and only boats could see the small flame. The silence and dark was a giant teddy – cuddling Ianto and loving him. A weird sort of affection. He thought of his mother, of the bullies, of the driver, the policeman. None of that mattered. He was happiest here. Without anyone or anything.
The knife clanged against the plastic basin. Ianto looked at his arm. 14cm of red hope streaming over his skin and mixing with the water.
Sixth. Lisa. Just Lisa…
Ianto heard a timid knock on the glass door and looked up. Jack looked down, he looked upset and sorry. Jack shrugged his jacket off and kicked off his boots and socks. He opened the door and sat next to Ianto. Ianto leaned into him and cried more. Jack picked up his cut arm and held it to his chest. The blood reddened his shirt. Jack kissed his hand.
'When you're ready to talk, I'll be here.'
Ianto nodded into Jack's shoulder. Ianto looked at Jack.
'I'm sorry.'
'I know. I don't blame you because there have been times when I've done that and worse.'
'Can you tell me? Please?'
Jack nodded.
The first thing Jack called about losing everyone. He specified a few names and a few details but it was blurred. After losing so many and thinking about them all their names and faces became one. It was like he only lost one person but it was the most important person in the world. Jack started crying. He spoke of his baby. How his 'boyfriend' had corrupted the police. It ended with Jack being forced to hand over the baby to him. That night, when Jack got back to their home he found his 'boyfriend' and the baby dead. He cried a thousand suns. His 'boyfriend' wanted to baby so he could kill it and then he killed himself. Dangling from the ceiling. The baby was a mess. Cut up. How could he?
Second was the time Jack was caught over enemy lines in 1941. They sat him on a chair with his hands tied behind his back. They asked him all sorts of questions. Next they broke out the nailed bike chains and wiped his back. The nails went deeper and deeper but still he said nothing. They brought out the man he was with. He was screaming and crying. In the end, they got what they wanted and they killed him and let Jack go. They killed him because he was weaker than Jack. If only he could have done more. When he got back to his side his Major bit his head off. Jack killed him out of anger and was sentenced to death. He was shot and come back. He walked out but not before kissing the real 'Jack' goodbye.
They'd only known each other a few months but the times they shared together helped them. Maybe something good was going to come out of it but to Ianto knew what would happen. Jack would hold his broken heart for a bit then he'd drop it. Drop it on the ground. When what would Ianto do? He listened to Jack again, maybe if he'd help Jack, Jack wouldn't drop him.
Third. Jack fired the last of his bullets and waited for death. One. Two. Three. He body was thrown backwards. He hits the wall and went to the ground. Dead. Never coming back. 'I am the Bad Wolf. I create myself. I take the words... I scatter them, in time and space. A message, to lead myself here. I can see the whole of time and space, every single atom of your existence, and I divide them. Everything must come to dust. All things, everything dies.' Jack pushed himself up off the floor and stretched his muscles. He picked up a machine gun and ran. Ran all the way back to floor 500. He bust through the door… only to see the TARDIS dematerialise. Too late.
The 2 men hugged each other. Lost in their losses.
'I'd love to blip out of existence, not forever but for long enough for nothing to matter anymore. I'll come back to reality when I'm ready.'
'Would you like me to?'
Ianto nodded and Jack flipped open his vortex manipulator and they thinned into nothing. Pale as white snow and soft as a feather. Jack and Ianto appeared in the same position. They floated. The background was a mix of pale pink, blue and green. There was nothing around them. They'd heal each other in ways no medication could with simple instructions: stay together. Love each other.