"JOHN!" Bond warned as two men carrying a plate-glass window suddenly walked into the middle of the street.
Kail ducked inside the car just in time: the Aston Martin plowed through it, breakint it into a million pieces which would have lacerated Kail's precious face.
"That was a close one!" Bond said.
"...I can't believe that ACTUALLY HAPPENED," Kail replied. "What is this, some cliched movie?" Just then Bond drove through a fruit stand, knocked over a bum's purloined shopping cart, and drove through the third story of an office building thanks to a convenient ramp.
"A RAMP? A fucking RAMP? This is a major street in Rio de Janeiro! What the FUCK is a RAMP doing on it?" Kail complained.
"Look, do you want to bitch about the realism of this car chase, or do you want to pull off some sweet stunts?" Bond asked.
"...Can you make the car flip over like three or four times and land on its wheels again?"
"You bet!" Bond said excitedly, hitting another ramp at just the right angle.
XXXX
Kail's eyes fluttered open. He saw the rest of the Krew standing around him.
"Mhhphhfm?" he asked.
"You're in a hospital, Kail," Bond explained.
"Ubbhuphj?"
"Well...the car might not have landed exactly on its four wheels."
"BRVVVUHB?"
"You were in a coma for three weeks," Smiley spoke up.
"We were afraid you weren't going to make it!" Irennie interjected, tears in her eyes.
"Fortunately, we finally got the Evil QUeen of Numbers to pay for a real doctor, instead of a veterinarian who had had his license revoked for molesting his patients..." Bond realized everybody was staring at him. "She's right behind me, isn't she."
"I'm right in front of you, 007," M sneered. Bond screamed and ran out of the room like a little girl. M turned to everyone else. "You managed to take out Nausers, but you still haven't found out the greater power behind the scenes. I'm disappointed."
"You know, we might be able to FIND this greater power if you..." Smiley trailed off as M walked out of the room. "I really hate it when she does that."
Bond peeked into the room. "She's gone? Thank GOD." He re-entered the room fully. "Was she all cryptic and shit about a higher power again?"
"Mmmhph," Kail said.
"Oh!" Bond realized. "I totally forgot, you don't need that feeding tube anymore." Pussy and Irennie began giggling wildly, causing Bond to stare. "What? Is there something funny about feeding tubes?" Pussy and Irennie just giggled harder. "How would both of you like it if feeding tubes were shoved down both your mouths?"
"Oh, Smiley and I will do that later," Pussy said, giggles dying down.
Bond finally pulled the feeding tube out, causing Kail to scream in between hacking up blood on his hospital gown. "JESUS, James! You think a REAL DOCTOR could do that next time?" he finally rasped out. James began weeping.
XXXX
The Krew broke through the glass skylight, rapelling into Sergio's penthouse apartment.
"Ah, the famous James Bond and his friends," Sergio greeted. "I've been expecting you."
Pussy, Smiley, and Kail swept the penthouse for traps or henchmen while Bond and Irennie kept Sergio at gunpoint.
"Please, Mr. Bond. Those guns are unnecessary," Sergio schmaltzed. "Please, have some of my wine. It is an excellent vintage."
Bond shrugged and took a glass. "Well, I Do have a history of drinking on the job. Why stop now?"
Irennie shook her head, mouthing 'You fucking idiot'.
Surprisingly, though, there wasn't any poison or sedative in the drink, and soon Sergio and Bond had gone through half the bottle between them.
"Mr. Bond, my life is in danger as long as I'm alive. And because of that, I want to tell you everything I know."
"Everything, you say?" Bond asked.
"Yes, everything. As long as MI-6 can protect me, I will tell you absolutely everything I know about the greater power you seek."
Bond looked around to see if anybody disagreed. "I think we can accomodate that. Now, tell us what you know."
Sergio nodded. "The man you seek is-URK!"
"Urk, huh? Tell us more about this Urk," James said, taking notes.
"Uh, James..." Kail said.
"Not now, Kail. Sergio, I must know more about Urk."
"James!" Smiley said, more urgently.
"Not NOW, Smiley! Sergio, TALK!"
"JAMES!" the Krew shouted in unison.
"WHAT?" James finally shouted, looking up from his notepad.
"LOOK!" The Krew pointed to Sergio. James turned his head, and saw that a nice fist-sized hole had been blown out of Sergio's face, depositing his brains nicely in his lap.
"Ewwww!" Bond recoiled. He turned to the window, which had a bullet-sized hole in it.
There weren't any other buildings in sight.
Without warning, James kicked out the window and leapt out.
"JAMES, YOU IDIOT, I'VE TOLD YOU THAT YOU CAN'T FLY!" Kail screamed as the Krew raced to the window.
The Krew looked down to see James with his hands around the neck of a man in a window-washer suit -- you see, the assassin was a man on a suspended window cleaning platform! Bet you thought James had mindlessly committed suicide!
"TALK!" James demanded.
"Never," the assassin gritted.
"HA! YOU SAID 'NEVER'! YOU TALKED!" James crowed.
"You can't stop them. Nobody can."
"WHO? STOP WHO?"
"I'm sorry, but if I told you who, this would be a short-ass story," the assassin explained.
"Fair enough," James said, as the assassin shoved him off and leapt to his death.
James raised the platform back up to the shattered window. "Did he tell you anything useful?" Kail asked.
"Just one thing: We're gonna be earning some serious overtime."
Cue title sequence, with obligatory women dancing around like they're drunk and metaphorical imagery and shit.