Disclaimer: Oh how I wish I owned this series, but that's impossible. Sorry peoples, don't own TOS.

There was this story I wanted to do but could not get it started right or continue it properly. Would have been called 'Becoming Human' but I failed to make it work. Only out together a few chapters, mostly the end. I think of it as kinda cannon, but this is fanfiction. Nothing's really cannon, just close.

Anywho, these two would-be chapters take place after Anna, Lloyd, and Noishe 'die'. Yuan is a lot more sympathetic and Mithos cruel than they probably should be, but *shrug* did my best. I had Kratos' time away from Cruxis longer than many others so don't bark at me about timing. Hope you like!

Meaningless

The world just slipped by Kratos as Pronyma's dolls dragged him through the halls of Vinheim to Mithos Yggdrasil's throne room. He didn't have the energy or will to fight, to move or feel anymore. In one hand he held Anna's locket and the other Lloyd's shoe, the remnants of the family he loved so much... and lost mere hours before. His sword was being carried by someone, but it hardly mattered. He had no one to give it to now. All he had was an empty shoe and a locket.

Eventually the dragging came to a halt and he was let go. It wasn't rough or a flop, they just let him fall to his knees, back into the position they found him in. His glazed over eyes, dry from tears, stayed downward, eventually resting on the objects in his hands as they found their way to his lap. Above him half-elves conversed, but he didn't care.

Nothing mattered anymore. His world, no matter what he did, was doomed to crumble and fall. He only wanted one thing now. Just one thing...

"Welcome home Kratos," a familiar voice spoke above him. "Care to explain why you left me sixteen years ago?"

There was no answer. The broken man just stared at his hands. It infuriated the voice a bit. "Why did you interfere with Kvar's experiments Kratos?"

Silence yet again. The name should have sparked fury, hatred so strong it'd block out the sun. It didn't even penetrate his skull. "Why did you leave me? Explain yourself Kratos! Why did you leave me for some human tramp?!"

"Grave." It was barely a murmur, but the spell was cast and the man in front of him had to leap out of the way. Kratos though didn't move an inch. He didn't care. Anything could happen to him, anything at all, and it would make no difference to him. But to call Anna, his wife, a tramp, was worthy of some retaliation. You did not speak ill of the dead, particularly around those who loved them.

"Impudence!" Pronyma raised her hand to cast a lightning spell as soon as the ground settled, but Yggdrasil glided over to him and backhanded him to the floor instead. He didn't get up.

"That... was a foolish mistake Kratos," the blond stated lightly, standing before his old ally. "You do not strike out blindly. That was your first lesson to me. What could possibly be your reason?

"Get up." Yggdrasil loomed over the still form staring out into space before him. The human merely laid there, not caring if he was hurt any more. "I said get up!"

"Lord Yggdrasil," the woman started cautiously, "Lord Kratos has been like this since Kvar's attack. He won't even stand on his own."

"I see..." Kneeling down, he took his youthful form and looked straight into his old friend's eyes. Lifeless. Hopeless. There wasn't even the will to live in them. Never had he seen this man so broken before. The very best humanity had to offer, broke to pieces after four thousand years of life. Sighing slightly, Mithos snapped his fingers and the dolls from earlier pulled the man into an upright position. He didn't fight and he didn't help, much like a doll himself now. "How pathetic..."

Sighing to himself, the child grabbed Kratos' chin and forced him to look at him. Even then they were vacant. "Oh Kratos... what am I going to do with you? For leaving me and betraying all these years together, I should punish you dearly. But how? Really, I think you've suffered more than enough being among humans for-"

"Just kill me."

The words were soft but true. The strong swordsman who endured more torture and bloodshed than most, who taught them not to give up or change their ideals, the best of humanity, was begging for his life to end. A single tear rolled down his face as he spoke. "End my life. I should have died long ago. Please, end my torment Mithos. Let me die."

His old student just stared at him, stone still from the shocking plea. Even the Desian was surprised he said it. They suspected he'd want revenge on Kvar first, but it wasn't anywhere near his lips. Just death for himself. "Let me return to my family at last."

Mithos stayed perfectly still and silent for very long minutes before giving him a sweet, understanding smile. "I'm afraid I can't do that old friend. I need you to live to save the world."

"I don't care about the world." That was true. He was done caring. He cared once, and look where it got him. "Just let me die."

"Ah, but Anna did."

Hearing her name, Kratos froze, staring into the youth's eyes once again of his own accord. Knowing he had his attention, Mithos let go and got to his feet. "From all reports, Anna loved the world. As did your son I assume." The grip on the shoe and locket tightened. "Would you destroy the world they loved? Would you allow yourself to die and the world to crumble into ruin? That's what will happen if I end your life now."

The realization hit the man like a rock, eliminating any relief that could come to him. He was right. Dying may end his suffering, but it would make everyone else suffer until the world finally died. They wouldn't like this. They wouldn't want the world to end because of him. But they were gone. His wife and child were gone. He didn't know what they wanted. Eyes falling, he let despair consume him completely. He could not die and rejoin his family, but he didn't want to live without them.

"How about this." Mithos' voice became as soft as silk, enticing him to believe whatever was said. "You return to me, willingly, and serve as you once did. Help me revive Martel. Once she is back, I will have no more need of two worlds or the Eternal Sword. I will unite them once more, and then I will end your suffering. The worlds will be saved and your meaningless existence will end.

"Isn't that what you want? To save the world and rejoin all those you love?"

"... Yes..." Tears leaked out his eyes as Kratos accepted the terms. Return to his post in Mithos' plans to revive Martel, reunite the worlds, and then finally end his living hell of a life.

The age of lifeless beings didn't matter.

What happened after did not concern him.

The lives lost... the pains they suffered...

None of it mattered anymore.

He was no hero. He was merely a man, a broken man with nothing really to live for. Nothing but this.

Mithos smiled as sweet as honey. "Swear your allegiance to me Kratos my old friend. Help me once again. Stand at my side once more."

"I swear... to stay by your side..." Mithos was the closest thing he had to a son now. He couldn't turn his back on him again. This was all he had now. Nothing else.

"I'll hold you to your word Kratos Aurion." The half-elf watched him for a long moment, smiling to himself. His old teacher just stared vacantly before him, not aware or caring about anything. Seeing there was nothing else to be said or done with this man, he looked over to Pronyma. "Take my dear friend back to his old room to recover. He will need his strength."

"Of course my lord." She motioned to her helpers and they grabbed the limp man under his arms again, trying to put him back on his feet. It was truly a pathetic sight to see, ending with the dolls dragging him as gently as they could out of the sanctum. He would not move on his own accord for anyone.

They were nearly to the seraph's chambers when Yuan came running in. Breathless and more than a little worried, he stopped short of them. "What are you doing?! Unhand Kratos immediately!"

Pronyma glared at the older lord, motioning for her dolls to stop. "As much as I would like to, Lord Yuan, Lord Kratos refuses to stand on his volition. I am merely following Lord Yggdrasil's orders to take him to his rooms."

"I'll take him there," the man snapped, taking the man's sword away from one of the dolls before stepping right to his old friend's side. He slid an arm around his shoulders and supported him best he could on his feet, barely keeping the blade in hand. "You go entertain the Cardinals or something. And take your dolls with you."

"Understood, Lord Yuan." She said his name with some distaste, but left the two of them anyway. They never liked each other, and this was just one more reason to add to the pile.

Glaring once behind him to be sure she was gone, Yuan slowly helped the man walk to his old rooms. "Insufferable witch. If she wasn't so good at her job and easy for him to manipulate, Mithos would have killed her ages ago."

When Kratos didn't respond for even a second, his old friend worried. The swordsman was limp against him, but habit brought back his basic motor functions and started walking alongside him. Slow, weary. There was no life, nor purpose in his steps. Kratos was truly lost. He had more life in him five centuries back, when he seemed to be nothing more than a doll. Seeing and recognizing the pain he was in, Yuan tried to speak.

"I'm sorry... I know how much she meant to you..." Finally something appeared on the human's face: pain. A tremor went through the man's body just as they made it to the door. Yuan leaned the sword against the wall temporarily and fumbled with the latch as he spoke, slowly and in a soft tone. He needed that when Martel died. "I would say I know how you feel... But I can't. Martel and I... we never had..."

"Just stop."

Surprised, the half-elf looked at his friend. Misery and grief was all he could see, something never this pronounced before on that particular face. Not when they thought he was dying, not when Martel died, not ever. Kratos was always the strong one, their rock. Now... Yuan's heart ached for his friend, lost in his grief. He was halfway between stuttering and sobbing when he continued. "Pp... please... just... just stop. I... I can't..."

Yuan said nothing as he opened the door and helped him inside. The room was kept dust free over the years but nothing had changed. Mithos hated change. He set Kratos down in a chair briefly to grab his only other possession and close the door behind them, then looked back to his grieving friend. All he did was sit and stare at the objects in his hands. His last memories of the family he made.

Once they had privacy, he could no longer contain himself. The half-elf set the blade next to the chair moments before he wrapped his arms around the older man's shoulders, holding him tight. "It's alright to grieve Kratos. You loved them. They are more than worth your tears."

The old soldier didn't move, stone even in pain. Eventually Yuan felt his forehead collide with his shoulder and felt the man's shudders. "You don't understand... I failed them. I failed Anna... Lloyd... Noishe..."

The last name struck the half-elf by surprise. Noishe? He was there? Come to think of it, he hadn't seen the protozoan for some time. He was more Kratos' friend than anyone's. So he too left Mithos for Sylverant, and paid a hefty price. They had dreamed of the day he would change into a hero and purge the world of evil. Now...

"They're gone Yuan... I... I couldn't save them..." He could hear the man's hands tighten around his mementos. All that was left for him to hold on to. Kratos shuddered against him with every breath. "I couldn't prevent Anna from becoming... I... I killed her..."

"You did everything you could Kratos," Yuan tried to reassure him. "There was noth-"

"The blood on my sword is hers!" He pulled out of the hold, horrified at what he had done. His friend could hardly believe it. "When she lost her exsphere, she turned into a monster and turned on Lloyd! Our son! Our son..." A tremor overtook him, silencing him for a moment. His fists supported his head as it fell near his knees. "I... I had to kill her... to save our son... but I didn't... I didn't..."

Finally Yuan understood the full measure of what was happening to his old friend, what happened, and how deeply it wounded him. Kratos killed the only woman he ever loved to save their child, and he still failed to save him. Noishe died probably trying to fight off Anna's monstrous form while preventing the Desians from taking the boy away. They were overwhelmed on all sides, one of their own turned, and an innocent with no fighting ability was caught in the middle.

Kratos was once the greatest swordsman in all the lands, but when it counted he couldn't save the lives that mattered most to him. Their blood was on his hands, in every sense of the term.

"He was just three years old." The words barely came out, pained beyond anything either angel had experienced in four thousand years. "Just a baby. He didn't..."

Nothing but sobs filled the air for a long time. Yuan watched in anguish as his old friend continued to fall to pieces before him. The last time they met, he was happy, truly happy. If he could settle down with his family and lived a quiet life in peace, Kratos would have done it in a heartbeat. Titles and honors meant little to him. He'd seen enough horrors to fill hundreds of lifetimes. All he wanted was peace and a normal life at long last. Why couldn't Mithos just let them be? Kratos was finally happy, but now...

"I'm sorry," he finally murmured, not knowing what else to say. "They didn't deserve this fate. You don't deserve this fate. You were always the very best-"

"STOP SAYING THAT!"

Yuan jolted back, taken off guard by the man's sudden outburst. A red eyed glare, desperate and pained, flew at him with a vigor he didn't know he was capable of. "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT'S DONE TO ME!"

"What are you-"

"YOU! MITHOS! MARTEL! YOU ALWAYS SAID THAT!" Pain like he never saw before took over Kratos' face as he continued to yell. "I ALWAYS HAD TO LIVE UP TO THAT EXPECTATION! I'm not! I'm not... I am nothing more than a man! A man who did the best he could! And I... I failed... I failed..." His eyes fell to the floor, remembering something the half-elf could never know. "I'm not the best humanity has to offer. Just a piece... Just a man... not even that now..."

"Kratos..."

"Just leave."

Yuan could not believe what was coming out of the man's mouth now. All that time he was away... and now this? Kratos didn't look up at him for a moment. "Leave me alone Yuan. Let me be. I'm tired..."

His old friend just stared at him in silence for a very long time, not moving a muscle. When Martel died, he claimed he wanted to be alone, but in all honesty he didn't. He wanted something, anything to hold onto. Kratos then was torn between comforting Mithos his student and he, his best friend. In the end, Noishe remained with him until the boy had fallen asleep from his tears. Then Kratos switched positions with the protozoan, sitting with their backs against each other in silence. He was there, reminding him he wasn't alone in his grief, and that he would stay with them as long as he could.

Did he not want the same reassurance? Kratos was always different from them, and not just because of his humanity. Once again, Yuan felt he could do nothing for him, despite all the pain he suffered. Best of humanity... Maybe he was right. In the end, Kratos Aurion was just a man, one who now grieved for his family, and filled with guilt for causing their deaths. For causing more deaths than any man ever could take.

He was a broken man, likely beyond repair.

Closing his eyes in acceptance, Yuan stood up and prepared to depart. For a moment he debated taking Flameberg with him, just to ensure the old soldier didn't fall on his sword, but he could not deny his friend that right. As he touched the door's locks to leave, he finally heard Kratos speak again.

"You should have killed me when I lost my voice." The comment sent shivers down the angel's spine, not wishing to think of that long ago promise he failed to keep. "Had you killed me then, I never would have become Origin's seal."

That drew his full attention, snapping around in shock. Kratos was Origin's seal? He was the one responsible for keeping the pacts going all these years? The one the Renegades needed to find and kill to end Yggdrasil's reign? How could he-

"When Martel is revived and the worlds are reunited, Mithos has sworn to kill me. I have to live until then. To ensure the world Anna and Lloyd loved is truly saved. I can't see them again until then.

"This life... is hell."

Pain swelled in Yuan's heart as he realized the truth. His indecision earlier created a problem he could not begin to handle. A perfect conundrum. To press forward with his plans, he'd have to kill his best friend. His best friend who wanted to die, who would force himself to live until the worlds were united once more. He still believed every word that came from that insane child's mouth. Had he killed Kratos when he was supposed to, had he kept his promise, none of this would have happened.

"Yes. For all of us," Yuan admitted, leaving at last. There was much for him to think about, for both of them to think about. Wanting death but never reaching it, having happiness but having it ripped away suddenly, it made their lives seem meaningless. Happiness, friendship, love... they could have none of it. Even though they were angels, their lives were hell.

A/N: In this head cannon, the legendary heroes used to say that Kratos was the very best humanity had to offer, and instead of giving him courage or a swelled head, he became troubled. When he met Anna and he told her about what they said, she stated that they had put a lot of pressure on him. She said he wasn't the very best of humanity because there were plenty of things others could do that he couldn't. She said he was just a man and to take it easy. She didn't have an expectation from him that he couldn't meet, because he already exceeded hers.

yeah, depressing. The second/last part is a lot more hopeful and just before the game starts. Laters!