Marco nudged me in the line in the cafeteria, mentioned Ellie in that way. I knew what he was doing and what he was trying to say. It sounded so silly to put it this way but Ellie "liked" me. I mean, I could tell. The way she looked at me, the way she was always around, trying to be cool but sneaking glances and trying to touch me. Little touches, like her hand brushing up against mine or sliding by me too close. Even though I sort of acted oblivious I wasn't.
It was just awkward. Ellie was, was, not someone I ever thought of like that. She was kind of pretty, I guess. I never really thought about it. I mean, with Manny and Ashley it was different. There was this kind of electric thing. I've never felt that with Ellie.
I could see it in Marco's face as we took the trays of that awful cafeteria food, little unopened cartons of milk on our trays. I could see it all. He knew Ellie liked me and he wanted me to reciprocate so Ellie wouldn't get hurt. I knew they were like best friends. But I couldn't just like her because she liked me. The truth was I was still in love with Ashley.
I admit it hadn't been fair of me to be so mad at her about Ash dumping me. But I was mad, I was still mad. She knew, she had known and she hadn't told me. And I knew the reason why she didn't tell me. She thought I would freak out and have an episode. She thought I'd go off my meds and do something and get hospitalized again. She had such little faith in me, and then at the same time she's all sweet and flirty and she wants…I don't know. A relationship, I guess. And then the mean part of me thinks she just wants someone to take care of, someone more fucked up than she is.
Yeah, I was still pissed. I just walked right by her in the cafeteria. She was acting like she didn't care but I knew it was an act, and Marco was shaking his head.
0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
I didn't care. So Ash dumped me through an e-mail to Ellie. Great. I didn't still love her so much I couldn't think straight. I didn't still want to marry her. Fuck her. I was sitting on the couch watching T.V. Joey was in the kitchen cooking supper, and making a racket with all the pots and pans.
"Jesus, Joey!" I said, looking over at him.
"Sorry, am I disturbing you?" he said in that half funny, half sarcastic way of his. I didn't answer, just turned up the T.V. But I still heard the knock at the door.
I sighed. Like a psychic I knew it was Ellie. I knew. I could sense her out there, with her little eager to please face. Whatever. I knew I was being a dick head. But it was easy when girls did that, when they kept coming around and trying to get me to notice them. But I'd try to be nice.
I opened the door and there she was, smiling with a little fear underneath. Fear I wouldn't be here or I'd be busy or something. And I knew I didn't look all that pleased to see her, and I saw it in her face. I saw her recognition of my disappointment. Well, who the hell did I expect to be here? Ashley? Maybe Ashley with her new boyfriend.
"Hi, Ellie," I said, the sigh in my voice. The resignation.
"Hi," she said, trying to ignore how I said her name and the look on my face and the way I turned away from her so quickly, knowing she'd just come right in. And she did, she sat right next to me on the couch, too close, and I shifted uncomfortably. This girl wasn't giving me any space.
00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
It was easiest for me to deal with her when other people were around. She was in the band, after all, took over for Spinner. So Marco and Jimmy were a nice buffer. I could talk to them, and it didn't seem like I was ignoring her.