This is a repost to fix Eustace's father's name. Someone very kindly pointed out that it was "Harold", not "Horace". Oops! Thanks!
The Truths We Tell Ourselves
Storyspinnerbah
Author Note: This one is making me nervous. I can't tell if it's cohesive or not. I also can't tell if I stayed true to the present-tense feel I'm going for. So I'm going to re-read it one more time, then send it. Too MUCH editing is ALMOST as bad as not ENOUGH! But please read it to the end. There's another author's note there.
Oh and the title comes from the reverse of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode"Lies our parents told us.". It just seems to fit.
CoN CoN CoN CoN
Lucy looks out at the sea from the deck of the Dawn Treader, watching the waves moving her swiftly, slowly, inexorably toward the end of the earth. She doesn't admit that she knows the end is nigh. She just understands that she, her brother and their cousin are close to the end of this journey.
Well, she doesn't admit it out loud.
She can't tell anyone that she has been given a choice by Aslan, and that the reasons for the bags under her eyes and her less-than-Lucy mood this last week is the result of sleepless nights tossing and turning trying to MAKE that choice.
To stay in Narnia or go back to England.
To see her family again, live a life in that world knowing she could never come back to this one…
To live in this one, not knowing if her deepest, lightest wishes would ever come true here…
Which was the more noble choice, the best choice for the greatest good? And which choice is more true to herself?
She sighs, rubbing her neck. She has been at some ship chores that she had taken on, hoping to tire herself out enough to sleep, and since they were finished well, they had been wearing on her body.
There was almost nothing she could do for her weary, thought-addled, sleep-deprived mind and hurting soul, however.
"You need to talk."
She doesn't jolt at the voice belonging to the biggest reason for her to stay. She usually knows when he's nearby.
It's almost like her senses are all hard-wired to him. She can just feel a difference in the air, as if the world has become... different, better for her with him near.
She just wished it was mutual, the awareness of a soul-deep bond forged over such a short span of time. Since he pulled her from the ocean, in fact.
She turns to look at Caspian, taking in his chocolate brown hair mussed from his running his fingers through it, at the chocolate-brown eyes that could see through every excuse she might throw at him, but couldn't see her feelings. (She hopes, since she thinks that would be REALLY awkward.)
At the concerned face, the one that could make so many females swoon and sigh, focused on her.
She examines him. Saying she was fine would be a lie, and she had made a promise to herself to limit her lies to really important, non-obvious things.
Like who had lost Caspian's comb.
However, though she wants to unburden herself to the man she loves, she can't seem to make the words form. He is such a big part of the conflict, one of the few reasons for staying as opposed to the many against.
Caspian would never be selfish with her. He would probably tell her to go with her family because they need her, even if he wants her to stay. And that wasn't a given that he even DID.
He treats her like he cares for her, like he MIGHT love her, and though she wants to believe, there's enough of the self-doubt still existing in being Susan's little sister to caution that the tread be light over that ground.
And there was that star, after all. That could REALLY throw a girl for a tailspin, a possible rival like that. (No pun intended.)
(Sometimes she feels like a ballerina on a tightrope, knowing too much pressure one way or another will cause a fall she might not like.)
She's good at examining other people's motives and emotions. Her own, not so much, but that's typical for someone like Lucy, for whom others mean so much. And she knows Caspian cares for her, even after meeting that silly star. She just doesn't know if that care is love. Or if he even knows HOW he cares for her. She just knows...she loves him.
But Caspian is not ready for her declaration of love. May never be ready. May never WANT the declaration. She doesn't wish to delude herself that he WOULD want it from her at all.
On the other hand, she isn't willfully blind. She sees the care he takes with her, the kind of care you take with the important people you aren't sure of and don't want to risk, for the fear that you'll shatter them.
She looks away from the man she wants to believe feels the way she does. Of course, ASKING him would just be the easy way. She should just try THAT.
She does something she's good at doing…taking the hard way out.
She looks away from him. "It's something I need more time with."
"You've had at least a week, Lucy. Are you sure more time is what you REALLY need?"
He sounds almost harsh, and it's the 'almost' that causes the hope to swell in her.
She doesn't speak on the matter, though. Still unsure of her decision, she realizes that if she could speak of the choice to anyone, it would be to Caspian the Tenth, King of Narnia.
Not because he's the man she loves, but because he's her best friend, next to Aslan. She never knew the two could be the same person.
Then what he SAID registers.
"A week?" It thrills her a little, that he notices how much of a struggle the week has been.
He shrugs. "You looked tired a week ago. Then I got concerned and started counting…and watching. The exhaustion hasn't gone from your eyes."
A half-smile tilts her mouth, and she nods. "Yes, it's been that long."
He looks frustrated. "What's wrong that your family and friends can't help?"
How does she explain that she was wondering how many people she would hurt with her decision?
On the England side, was her whole family.
On the Narnia side…
Well, there was pretty much Caspian and Reepicheep. And the noble mouse would probably be taking his own journey shortly anyway.
So… one person versus eight (okay, maybe six. Aunt Alberta and Uncle Harold would probably not really notice if she wasn't there.) Never good math, in her equation.
Of course, factoring her HEART in…
She looks at him again. "There's a choice I was given. I have to make a decision by the time we reach World's End. The choice isn't…won't be easy."
Caspian tenses, ready to slay her problems. So noble and caring, her friend. "And I repeat…?"
Lucy stands straight. "Because I've spent too much time thinking about it. If I talk it out…"
The good thing (one of the many) about Caspian is he understands her. He knows what she means. He wraps an arm around her shoulders, much as he had when they first came aboard the Dawn Treader. "Let me know me when I can help."
"You'll be the second… okay, fourth." She's half-teasing and the look he gives her shows he knows that.
"Come on, let's try to get some sleep," is all he will say, though.
As he leads her off the deck, she realizes the decision is relatively easy. Well… easier. Caspian's actions have given her hope. Lucy sighs inwardly. Dangerous thing, sometimes, that hope.
If she knew he could love her romantically, if there was a CHANCE he would EVER love her, she would stay in Narnia until the Lion returned.
She just wishes she could read his heart the way she could read a beloved book; sure of the ending, nut enjoying the journey anyway.
Lucy Pevensie, Queen Lucy the Valiant, has a choice to make. She knows where she WANTS to be. She's just not sure if the choice is the right one.
And she's running out of time.
End.
Author's note: Okay, you read it. Now, here's the conundrum. I THINK this tale has more to tell, but I can't tell if you'd want to read any more OF this tale. If you think I should continue, please review. And please know, this is NOT a "Review and I'll write more," cause I'd keep writing stories anyway. This is a "Do you think I should continue this story?" request. Thanks for your time!