Night terrors
58/M
There was a soft, muffled hitch of breath from the other room. Hakkai stared up at the ceiling willing the sound from his ears. A small moan, almost pitiful in its shakiness wafted under the closed door. He bit down on his lip hard enough to draw a shimmering drop of scarlet blood. Bit harder as the body on the couch shifted, the springs creaking and stifled a groan. It was wrong to listen he knew, but he also knew even if the sounds stopped he would still hear them in his mind; would still feel the pull of those long fingers on firm, heated flesh.
No. He walled his mind from such thoughts. Screwing his eyes shut he curled in on himself, fingers white knuckled in the sheets. He couldn't do this again. He crossed that line once and had about lost himself to the darkness welling up deep within. If he gave in now, if he got up—placed his feet on the cold concrete floor and walked out that door—he might have to do just that if he couldn't control himself soon. If he left now, he wouldn't be coming back; he'd force himself to keep walking out into the rain that beat mercilessly on the tin roof above him.
He panted opened mouth into the thin pillow, striving to catch his breath at the pain that speared through him at the thought of never again sitting there watching, making small jokes, excuses; to touch, however fleetingly….
"Go…jyo…" it was a cry torn from true despair and it wrenched his heart and soul to even utter it.
So wrapped up in his own gray world he didn't hear the door open, see the spill of warm amber light across the foot of the bed, didn't even notice the dip of weight as the other sat beside him until cool fingers brushed sweat-damp hair from his furrowed brow.
"Stupid, stubborn fool. You've made us both suffer when all that was needed was a little faith. Didn't that damn monk teach you anything?" Gojyo asked gruffly, a slight smile on his handsome face as he petted the wet hair away from Hakkai's eyes.
"My sin…" he choked out, praying the other would understand his fear and just leave him to battle his demons alone.
"I'm not leaving, 'Kai and if you even think of walking out on me again I'll tie you to the damn bed. Please," he breathed, "just give us a chance."
It wasn't a plea-Gojyo was to strong a person for that, but a fervent hope-yes, that was very much like the man beside him. He closed his eyes in pain and bit his lip again shuddering. Gojyo leaned in, using the tips of his slender fingers to raise Hakkai's pointed chin and brushed the pad of his thumb across the worried flesh.
"Trust me Hakkai. I can only promise that I'll try my damnedest to make this everything you pray for, but it means nothing if you won't give us a chance!" His voice was a husky whisper, a trembling of breath across Hakkai's lips. He stooped, bending slightly, just enough to brush lips.
That was all it took to break Hakkai's iron-willed perseverance. He gasped and cried out, opening to the swift parry of tongue, the warm slide of hands cradling his skull and wrapped around his waist tightly, fingers bunching in his night shirt.
It was too much, too many emotions and too little time to think. He needed to think, to get himself under control before he led Gojyo to ruin just like…just like….
"Hush love. Please, just stay here with me, please!"
Hakkai mewled piteously, scrunching his eyes shut as he shook. "I…I can't…I'm terrified I…Kanan…."
Gojyo pulled him close and whispered against his ear, Hakkai's panting breath moist against his throat.
"I know you're scared, but please, trust me in this."
Hakkai sobbed, unable to make the words come. He gripped Gojyo's shirt hard, nails biting through the thin cotton and shook his head back and forth. He was so tired. His body felt laden, as though he wore heavy folds of some stifling cloth. He just wanted this to be over, to sleep or hide away somewhere. to flee. But Gojyo wouldn't let him, he kept whispering endearments, his name, his promise over and over. His heart hitched as he realized he couldn't keep fighting; he was too weary.
His lips, cracked and bleeding pressed against red hair as he chocked out—
"Yes."
It was several long seconds before he could breath again, Gojyo's frenetic grip crushing as he held him close, a tearful, relieved voice murmuring his name over and over again. If he could find the strength to answer or the words to make plain his feelings at this moment he would have, but then there was Gojyo's warmth overwhelming the remaining fear; defeating the self-doubt.
He clung tighter to the lean chest and finally surrendered.