It all had happened a month before they all were supposed to leave the nest.
Spring was somehow very windy and cold that year, the terror and nervousness stuck in the air, and sad songs clung to the clouds, like a bubblegum to Helga's sneakers. She was a perfect match to this up-coming thunder, with an expression of concern and some dull pain occupied her face.
This years she was a lot different from what you've last seen, this bossy nine-year-old blond in pink dress. She'd grown into something unremarkable. Or she tried to become so. She dyed her hair black since she was 14, and lined her eyes black too, as if seeking for some protection. She wasn't perfectly slim like Lila and other attention-keeping young ladies, and wasn't that brightly dressed, or popular, and the fact of "not being like" seemed to upset her, still she did nothing to tune herself to be more like them.
If she had someone who knew her inner-self, that someone would say that she'd given up.
But you can guess, she didn't have that someone.
Since Phoebe was accepted to some special institution for gifted students at the age of 13, Helga and her began getting more and more distant. Then there was Gerald. Helga had no idea they were dating until she saw them kissing in a cafe.
Next day Helga dyed her hair for the first time.
She didn't know what was the point, she just kept feeling miserable all the time.
So she had to do something to celebrate the new Helga.
She didn't know that day that she would hate "new Helga" even more.
Oh well.
She shivered and bundled up more tightly into her dark green hoodie, looking bitterly outside from her window. There was someone who apparently never noticed how cold and surly everything was. Right under her window - here they go - Arnold and a covey of pretty little ladies. Helga sighted. How many of them were there? Helga and him had barely said each other 5 words during last few years. There, on the street, he said something funny and they all burst from laughter.
There was Lila, and Macy, and Trina, and his new girlfriend, Carla. Somehow Arnold managed to end up every relationship peacefully and all his ex-ies were in time his good friends.
Helga found it very Arnold-alike.
There was one strange thing about this, though. How could it come, that all this butterflies can be his friends anytime they want, but there's no way for her?
Since she's not a bully, she tried to have just a lousy little conversation so many times, but he never even looked up at her from his mobile phone.
Thinking that she'd seen enough kissing, Helga turned away from window, knowing that it's time to go, still unwilling to leave her refuge. She then noticed her old mp3 player, which she didn't use for quite a while, because those days she thought that without music it would be easier for her to cope with the reality. Now reality was suffocating her, and so she grabbed the little gadget and hurried to leave the house.
Nothing really changed there, except Helga. Only photos of Olga's family, only ignorance of Helga's presence and wild rows emerging from time to time. Helga's room however looked different now - walls were painted dark green, and the room was almost empty - walls had some posters on them, and some pieces of poetry-not anymore Helga's own, but various songs lyrics. A little silver laptop. Dark gray curtains. Bed with dark red throw. She cleared her closet at 13, at the day when Arnold read his writing assignment about people whom he loved the most.
All what was left from her dreamy past was one box in a dark corner of her closet. Inside of it were one last little pink book which she finished writing just a week before that assignment, and her bow.
Helga waited beside the front door for a while, to make sure that Arnold and his beautiful company finally continued their way to school. Then she crept out of the house. In some distance she saw the familiar silhouette. She stayed still for a while, stunned by the sight of it. "Don't you turn your back on me" shouted the voice in her headphones, and Helga just asked herself, why should it every time be so ridiculous and so not like a real life . It's like she, Helga, is a character from a song, or a book who was created to face dead-ends in such poetic and lame ways.
She then shrugged and began her way in the same direction that was her football-headed misery going. She mentally thanked herself for taking her old player with was the certain reason for it - inside of this little plastic box was her lost power, attitude and rage. Helga's peers would've considered her music choice pretty odd, as everybody seem to be overwhelmed by fashionable and- mostly- local music. But it's needless to say, Helga never cared. since Phoebe was gone from her life, her best friend was her strange at times and very Helg-ish idols. Her number one this days was Sandra Nasic with Guano Apes. This passionate, aggressive and iron strong blonde always reminded Helga of her bulling side which seemed to fade a lot after all that Helga's been through. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing bad about being tough and cruel if you're Helga, if you were born in a wrong place at a wrong time. He adored many other bands too, mostly with female vocals, as they were like representation of she found her new sides in music, the girl thought that one of her parts is dead and she has no power to defend herself anymore.
But this wasn't her story.
In her headphones, she slowly went back to her normal struggling self. She wasn't beating up people anymore of course, she wasn't shouting this days or calling anyone names. But everybody around felt the fury inside of her, flame that couldn't be put off by any sadness, sweetness or violence. She was therefore considered freaky, like a maniac, and was labeled as "better-not-to-deal-with"
Kicking rocks, bumping onto people and buildings, Helga was going and going, with a bitter smile on her face. Simple, dumb, lame morning. Another torture to tolerate.
She won't give up on who she is even though she'd given up on all she ever needed. She tried, for this one and only someone, to change her core, change her everything, but he never seem to notice. this is where she realized she had only herself. And this point she won't give in to anyone.
School day was even longer than usual, something was still in the air, although Helga couldn't define the feeling she had. She just fell out of reality for a whole day, having just a cup of coffee for lunch, not even trying to focus on lessons, sitting on her own in a class during breaks. Only on her way home her oblivion was interrupted by Lila, who this days had quite good relationships with Helga, though not good enough to be friends, which would be just odd.
"I tried to find you during breaks but every time you were nowhere to be found!"
Helga looked at her as if she'd just woken up -"Oh hi, Lila"
"You know Carla is planning to have a girl's night at her place,tomorrow, and she invited every girl in a class, and em, she asked me to invite you too"
"Why didn't she then asked me herself?" Helga asked, feeling like already knowing the answer.
"It's ever so difficult to say Helga, and I'm ever so sorry if I hurt your feelings, but I suppose she just...you're an unusual girl, Helga, and she probably thought that maybe I'd do better with it"
"Oh yeah, whatever. Ok, I guess I'll come. Send me her address, OK?" Helga shrugged and continued her way.
It was a chip trick - Carla just wanted to invite one freak into their gorgeous company to state the difference. She saw them playing that game pretty often - they were not bulling her or anything like that because simply remembered Helga's past and were scared to make her angry, but, knowing somehow that she tried to be good with everybody, to change, they constantly tortured her by stating the difference between them; permanently showing Helga that she'll never succeed in becoming like them.
9 year old Helga would never care about this thing, but this days everything was different. Her dreams faltered, her once true love nowadays wasn't giving her any power,only making her doubt herself even time ago, Helga really thought it would be better if she changes her behavior, but it didn't work it all. Here she is- polite, and quiet, she's not writing stupid poems anymore, she's all new, but still she can't change. She's Helga, and she should've known she will be forever, no matter what.
This thoughts overwhelmed Helga totally, and she was to busy to notice her family, which in return never noticed her.
Why did I accept the invitation? wondered Helga. She always skipped such things as school dances and meetings. But this time she just had this dark feeling which a prey has and with some little corner of her soul she wanted to feel once again how different and lonely she is. This was very disgusting and weak thing, but she had no way back now.
Thinking this way, she took all the food left in their fridge (chips, a bottle of milk, two slices of ham) and walked up into her room, where she threw the food onto her bed, took her laptop there too and then sat onto her bed herself. She logged in their city's social network and soon received Lila's message with all the details. Then she went to Carla's page and found a very long and sickening list of Carla's and Arnold correspondence. It was enough for her to jump off her bed and start wondering around her room, searching for something that would help her release her anger. She soon found her player, found a pencil and started writing and drawing, as if she had never given herself a promise not to do this again. Well, she will tear it apart later on, just like every other her "self-expressing". She stayed late and didn't even notice, and she'd fallen asleep lying over her papers.