Who Is King Rat?
Author's Notes: This is a supplementary accompaniment to another of my stories. I repeat, this is supplementary to another story!
In order to understand what is going on in this series of short stories, you will need to have read the original King Rat. The two stories are heavily intertwined.
If you have read King Rat, then you know what to expect here.
If you have not yet read King Rat, then know that you should expect male pregnancy, dirty, dirty NC-17 rated scenes, occasional humor both dark and light, a suggested soundtrack, one miserable kappa, one spiteful monk, one merry mass murderer, and one clueless monkey.
I also add that these stories are not in chronological order. I will label when in the story one of these vignettes is supposed to fall.
Last, these will be sorted into categories. The categories will have different viewpoints and tell a different facet of the story.
This first category is called "Both Sides Now." If you can't figure out what's going on, who's talking, or anything at all, let me know!
Disclaimer: I own nothing and am making no profit. Also, I may have written this during my history class.
Both Sides Now- Chapter 5: Want
Suggested Track: "The Mouse and the Model," The Dresden Dolls
Shuffle, shuffle, click-clack, tap-tap, cut, shuffle-shuffle, deal. It's a familiar sound. You said your fingers were too swollen to shuffle, and Hakkai's hands are faster. Five cards for the idiot monkey. Five cards for Hakkai. Five cards for me. Five cards for you. Flip them over. I have four nines. I will bluff.
"Three nines."
"Fuck all."
"Lucky, lucky me!"
I've lost anyway, but not to you. You used to win all the time. I don't know why you're losing now. It doesn't matter. Win this round.
Shuffle-shuffle-shuffle-clack, shuffle-shuffle, cut, shuffle-tap-tap, deal. You've got a good hand now, don't you? Smile. Just smile. I won't call your bluff. Just lie. Two queens, two kings. I can't beat you now. I'm not going to argue with you, you need to win.
"Two queens."
"Fuck all."
But you didn't. Are you lying? I'm watching you. Are you lying? You can't lose this round.
Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle. I can hear everyone talking, but it's so damn noisy. I just want to hear you get the right cards. Bastard monkey, like I want to share a room with him anyway. Please lose this round.
"Fuck all."
You threw it. I can see it in your face. You do want to be with me. What are you expecting? I don't know what you're expecting from me. I just want the truth.
"Sanzo, will you be kind to Gojyo for tonight?" I looked back at Hakkai. I could hear the fear in his voice.
"Only if he behaves himself."
I can't pretend to be any less than that, but I hear it when he says, "I'm sorry I've been so much trouble."
I wish you didn't feel that way.
The evening paper is a nice distraction. I use it to block things out, and to think behind the wall. I can hear you knocking. Let yourself in. You walk past me without a word, and I try to look at you discreetly while you wash your face in the mirror. You look so strange with your stomach bulging like that. I can almost see the little bastard sitting inside you, and I hate whoever put it in there.
"You." I eat my apprehension, he's paying attention. "You threw the card game." It's all there on his face, but he's hiding it from me.
"I did not. You look at my cards, cheater?" Sometimes, I wonder if this ass is dyslexic at reading people.
"I can tell when you're lying." I can, too. It's easy. He used to smile a little wider when he lied. Now, his voice gets quieter; he's not proud of it anymore. He turns around. He's smirking. Is this the old you?
"Can you really? What's my tell?" He's asking for it.
"You open your mouth." It's too easy. You opened yourself for it. You taught me the art of the snappy comeback. Call it an homage to the man you used to be. "I know you've been trying hard to behave." It's killing you. "You want sex, you sick pig?" It's killing me. "No doubt you've been getting it a thousand other places." Have you been sleeping at all? I don't know why I want to hurt you like this. You hurt me, but you don't deserve to be hurt back. Why did I ever bother? "Being knocked up hasn't slowed you down at all…"
"I haven't had sex in more than five months. Last time with you." He's looking away from me, but his eyes are watering. He doesn't want me to watch him cry. I can cut through him now. I want the truth. "Of course, you're not going to believe me, because my mouth is moving." You walk around me, you dump your clothes on the floor, you're not looking at me. "Truth be told, I don't even want sex."
"Then what do you want from me?" It's all you ever wanted from me. Admit it. You just want pleasure, it's what you like, and I'll give it to you to make you happy. Why won't you talk to me. Talk to me, damn it! "Talk! I know you want something, that's why you're acting like a goddamn statue. Talk!" I didn't mean to hurt you, I didn't want to hit you, but it's all I can think of to get anything out of you.
"How often do you tell me to shut up, Sanzo?" Of course. Call me a hypocrite. That's getting us places. "I just want you to hold me. Just for a little while." 'Hold you.' What do you mean, hold you? "You ever held someone before? I did it once." Like you love me or something? "It's nice." Stop joking around. "It's kind of like sex, but without orgasms or penetration, so I thought it'd fall under the contract."
"Fucking contract. I regret that piece of paper every day." Karma will cover this lie. "What you propose is more disgusting to me than sex." It's worse than just sex. I can handle that. I don't want to pretend you give a shit about me.
"Fine." Damn it, he looks like he's going to cry. "I'll just go to sleep. Can I have a pillow for the floor, or should I just fold my clothes into one?"
Bullshit. You want to be that fucking pitiful. Like I'd make you sleep on the floor. What sort of monster do you take me for? "Shut up and lay on the bed. You look like you'll cry if I refuse you, and that's even worse." There. Truth will balance me. I take my clothes off so you can feel me touch you, and I get in bed with you. It's not dirty, I tell myself. I can pretend things are remotely normal. Your arms wrap around me- your hands are so cold- I don't know what to do- you're so cold all over. This is okay. Rest your head on my chest, you can do that. I can feel your heart beating- and your stomach writhing. It's a strange, sickening feeling. It's jabbing me in the gut. Damn it. Stop it. I don't want to know about it. Hold still, just breathe, show me you've got a soul. Why the hell are you pulling away? "Don't move. That thing is moving."
"Uh, yeah, it does that sometimes. I can't help it." I said don't move, damn it. I'm not going to rest easy with this. "O-oi-"
"Shut up." Shut up shut up shut up shut up. I don't even want to know the answer to the question- "How many people did you sleep with?"
"You're going to need to be specific about a time period. I don't think I've got a count for the whole last twenty-two years." You think you're so goddamn funny, stupid bastard, I need to know.
"Fine. Specific? Between when you signed our contract and when you got knocked up. How many women did you fuck?" It's an ugly word, so harsh, but when I think about you doing it to someone else, that's what it feels like.
"None." Are you lying? I can't tell.
"How many men?"
"One." You think you're so goddamn smart. "Am I lying, Sanzo? Do you think I'm lying? I'm not. You're the only one-"
Shut up, shut up, shut up. "Before you fucked me! Before. How many people did you sleep with in the month before that?" I need to know. Tell me, fuck's sake, tell me.
"Nobody. I had nothing, Sanzo. I had to bleed my own damned poison every night since we started this damned mission and before that. By my count, that's a really fucking long time. More than nine months ago. If I got this thing stuck in me before then, then I have no idea when it's going to be born." His voice is so sour- he's getting up. I'm not done with you.
"Are you telling me I'm the fucking father?"
"You're nothing you don't want to be, High Priest Genjo Sanzo." You wound me when you call me that, you bastard.
"Don't talk to me like that!" I can't control my anger, I just want to shake the truth out of you. "I fathered that thing?"
"It doesn't matter, does it?" Why do those words sting? "You don't care about it, and I'm bound by our contract not to tell anyone I ever did anything with you. I just wanted a minute of warmth, Sanzo. It's all I wanted from you. I'll never ask you for anything again." He's looking right at me, he's not smiling. He's telling the truth. Damn it, he's telling the truth. "I'll leave you alone now. Don't wait up for me. I'll sleep in the hall." No. Wait. Shit. Why can't I move? He opened the door, smiling at me with tears running down his face, and I wanted to die as the door shut. I pulled my fist back and pounded the door like I could hit myself. The pain stings my knuckles, and I can hear you either laughing or crying as you leave. You're laughing or crying, but whatever it was, I know you were telling the truth.
"Stupid mother-FUCK!" My fist aches and the wood splinters, but I don't care about how much it hurts me. It didn't help. I am aching in places that never ache, and the misery is rushing through my blood to places I couldn't have imagined. There is a beast rising and before I even take another step, I'm going to murder it.
I seat myself on the bed and close my eyes and think of anything but that man-child kappa. I grip the beast firmly by its trunk in my left hand and cover its head with the right. My fingernails dig in around the base of its chin and cut at its jugular. I try to take that terrible impulse and choke it, forcing its heart to beat the other way. It doesn't relent, it resists fiercely, it writhes against its master's will. Think of Buddha, think of my own master, think of anything, anything else. "Silence," I growl at it, though it makes no noise. It still screams my own thoughts back at me: his sweating, gleaming skin in the desert sun and the village moon, the aroma of smoke and sex that drifts from his blood-colored hair, his husky voice that used to sound like he was always laughing, those hard muscles on his arms and chest and legs, and the firm, tight round of his ass- no, damn it, no, fuck, no, shut up, shut up, shut up!
It's haunting me, I hate it, and it's squirming against the skin that cases it. Even if this monster is tempted by his disgusting beauty, he ruined himself. He has no interest in me, hasn't he proved that? Stop wanting him. The shape of his belly is proof enough that there is no such thing as romance for him. Why is it still throbbing? Why does this monster's heart still beat? He doesn't give a shit, and neither should I! No words, no crimson eyes, no taunts can counter that.
He is beautiful. "Gojyo." I am a beast. "Gojyo." He is powerful. "Gojyo!" I am holding back. "Damn it!" I squeeze and choke this serpent, my thumb finding its rapid pulse as it writhes and squirms. Why is your name on my tongue? It's almost like he was on my tongue again. He has soft skin, and his jokes are funny sometimes. He stands up to me and makes me feel weak, and I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Stop, damn it. The phalanges of my left hand crush against the beast's aching spine as it jerks its dying throes in vain. Anything, anything to hold this back and swallow this. Who the hell are you to make me feel like this?! Monster-bastard-coward-cunt-faggot-shitlicker-motherfucking-cockspitting-WHORE-damn it all- get out of my head! The beast spits its hot, fetid venom into my palm and relaxes back into its lair. It goes more limp. Praise be, my want is silent. I wipe my hand on the pillowcase and slump to the floor, shame dripping from my every pore.
I've been betrayed. I've been fooled. I'm fooling myself. "Damn it, Gojyo…" I tilt my head back and stare at the reddish moon through my window and try not to see the round of his figure there. What sort of beast am I?
You told Hakkai you were King Rat. If you're King Rat, what am I? What does that mean? Who is King Rat?
End Notes: There will be no steady update schedule. These vignettes will be posted as I finish them. I hope nobody is especially disappointed!
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