Summary: Cosima became a full time drug dealer after getting kicked out of college, living life on the edge, getting drunk and partying with her girlfriend Sarah. But after her girlfriend leaves her in debt with her boss, Rachel, Cosima must infiltrate DYAD, a rival drug manufacturer, or risk being killed. Things get more complicated, however, when Cosima realizes her old college crush, Delphine Cormier, was one of the founders of DYAD. The stakes are high as Cosima rekindles an old romance with the woman of her dreams, who has some pretty heavy baggage of her own, while spying on her.
Notes: I orignally started posting this on AO3 but I figured why not put it up here as well. It's still a work in progress and I'm a shitty updater. This is a very dark fic, and there are some warnings that I think you should be aware of: This contains a manipulative/abusive relationship, and everything that comes with that, possible graphic violence, drug use and addiction, and character death, as well as other dark themes that are not uncommon to those who have seen the show, but I won't say specifically because of spoilers and stuff. Basically, if you have any triggers this is probably not the fic for you, I'm very sorry. Anyways, here's the first chapter!
Cosima woke up to an empty bed. Rolling over she drug herself up, shoving her glasses onto her face, and looking around her apartment for her girlfriend. Maybe she's making breakfast? She thought to herself, before laughing at the ridiculousness of the thought. No, Sarah was never the "breakfast in bed" type girlfriend. Sarah was more the "get high and have sex" type girlfriend.
Cosima looked at the time, 2:09, way too late to be able to call any meal breakfast anyways. Cosima wasn't concerned with how late she slept though, her sleep schedule was warped beyond repair since getting kicked out of college and becoming a full time drug dealer. Most days she layed around, getting high and watching movies with her girlfriend, making an occasional trip out when she got a text from someone in need of weed, or when one of their friends was throwing a party.
She missed college though, she loved science and learning, and without being able to go to classes and talk with other science nerds, she had lost her passion for life. Unless she was smoking weed or having sex, she felt nothing. And nothing is exactly what she felt when she saw the voicemail. Nothing is what she felt when she heard Sarah's recorded voice, telling her she left, that she wasn't coming back. Nothing is what she felt when she sat back down on her bed staring blankly at the wall of her dimly lit apartment.
It wasn't until she pulled her legs up, clutching them tightly to her chest, that she began to feel anything at all. She felt fear, not overwhelming fear, just a slight trickle, a small tightness in her chest, a nagging in her brain. She can't have left, she thought to herself. She can't be gone. I need her. Sarah was one of the two things in her life that made her feel anything, she couldn't just leave her like this. She wouldn't.
But she did. Sarah wasn't coming back. Cosima let out a shaky breath, and reached for the bag of weed on her bedside table, but her hand met air. She looked over quickly, breaking eye contact with her wall for the first time since she had heard Sarah's voicemail. The weed was gone. At least ten thousand dollars worth of weed was gone. Cosima began frantically searching her room, tearing drawers out of dressers, throwing clothes across the room, but it wasn't there, it wasn't anywhere.
"SARAH YOU BITCH!" she screamed to her empty apartment, tears streaming down her face as she slunk to the floor beside her bed, letting loose several loud, guttural sobs.
"you fucking bitch," she said, quieter this time, wiping the tears from her eyes and looking at the ceiling.
It was Cosima's fault. She knew it. If she'd have been a better girlfriend this wouldn't have happened, Sarah would have stayed. She tried to pinpoint exactly what it was she had done wrong, what had made the girl she had thought loved her, leave in the middle of the night? Had she acted too jealous when Sarah had been hanging out with that "Cal" guy, who Sarah swore nothing had happened with? Should she have trusted her from the beginning, or should she never have trusted her at all?
Cosima sat beside her bed for a long time before she realized she had an even bigger problem on her hands than a broken heart. Sarah had taken ten thousand dollars of weed with her, and Cosima was at a loss as to what that would mean for her. She couldn't come up with the money on her own, it was a struggle just to pay rent every month, and her boss wouldn't just forgive a debt that large. Rachel Duncan was not an understanding woman. Would she kill her? Drug overlords usually did that in the movies, right? But Cosima was just a low level weed dealer, surely she wouldn't be assassinated. Taking a deep breathe she picked up her phone and pressed the call button. Thinking to herself that, even if they did kill her, it wouldn't be a big deal. What did she have left to live for anyways?
"Ms. Niehaus?" rang Rachel's cool, yet vaguely irritated voice from the speaker of Cosima's phone.
"Uh, yeah, hi, it's Cosima,"
"Yes, we have established that. What do you want?"
"Sarah, my girlfriend, she left," Cosima said, her voice quavering and tears threatening to spill over.
"I do not have the time to discuss your personal affairs. If you'll excuse me, I have a business to run," said Rachel, irritation and sarcasm dripping off every word.
"No wait, it's not that, it's just, she took my weed. All of it," Cosima said, head falling helplessly to her knees.
"I see. This is, problematic… How much did you have left?"
"Ten thousand dollars worth," Cosima whispered.
"Well, you have really done it this time, Ms. Niehaus. Meet me at my office tomorrow at noon, and we will discuss how to move forward from here." Rachel said, with just a hint of what seemed to be cruel excitement in her voice. Cosima didn't catch that though, as she was already busy climbing back onto her bed and burying her face in the pillows. She stayed like that for a long time, ignoring the growling of her stomach, letting it ache with emptiness, while she alternated between crying and sleeping.
She only gathered the strength to get out of bed when she read that the time was 11:30, giving her half an hour to get dressed, get a cab, and make it to Rachel's office. Usually when she was this late, she would be frantically running around the house, brushing her teeth and searching for an outfit amongst the cluttered mess of her apartment, but that level of motivation was nowhere to be found.
She slowly walked to the bathroom, and splashed water on her face, noticing the redness around her eyes and cheeks. She decided against putting on her signature eyeliner, she just couldn't find the strength within herself to care. She slipped on some shoes and threw on her red jacket.
Cosima noticed the stain on her jacket from when Sarah had drunkenly spilled beer on it, and she touched it smiling to herself, remembering how much fun they had that night. It had been just her and Sarah, drinking and smoking weed, blasting music and dancing around her apartment. She remembered how she felt that night, laughing as Sarah came up behind her, holding her in her arms and whispering "I love you," into her ear, kissing her cheek, and then her neck, before breaking away, dancing by herself arms and hips swinging, while Cosima stood there watching.
"Come on, show me what you got," she said with a laugh, breaking Cosima's trance. Cosima started dancing, inching closer to Sarah as her body swayed to the music, hands floating gracefully in the air before they were captured by Sarah's own hands as she pulled Cosima closer.
"Not bad, for a nerd," Sarah said, dancing closer to Cosima's back, their bodies pressing tightly together.
"Not bad? More like hella fucking rad," Cosima joked, leaning her head back into Sarah's shoulder.
Sarah pulled her around so they were face to face, wasting no time pressing her lips to Cosima's, pushing her towards the couch as she pulled at the hem of her girlfriend's shirt.
Suddenly here was a sharp clatter as Sarah pushed Cosima too close to the table sitting next to the couch, knocking over her beer onto the jacket. Cosima's head darted to the side, startled by the noise, but Sarah didn't care, she pulled Cosima's face back to her own and layed her down on the couch with a look of fierce determination, and began sliding Cosima's shirt up her torso.
What had changed since then? What had Cosima done to lose Sarah's love?
Cosima gulped down the tears threatening to spill all over again as she took a look at the couch she and Sarah had so many memories on, before heading out the front door towards what felt like her doom.