Chapter 1

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She lay in her bed and was thinking about Sybil. Or more precisely she was thinking about both of her sisters and what had become of the three happy little girls in the picture she was looking at.

Two down, one to go.

Mary had been down before, but she had picked herself up again. Mary would always come out on top, if it came to her love life. With so many men to choose from, how could she not? If there hadn't been any suitors after Matthew she might not have been able to as fast as she did, but Mary's beauty and reputation ensured a steady flow of new options. Even if not, at the end of the day she still had little George, who would always love her unconditionally and furthermore the attention of their parents, who seemed to react to every little change in their eldest daughter's demeanour and reacted accordingly.

Sybil had been such a free spirit who was able to shed every last ounce of everything she had grown up with and not let anything or anyone dictate what she could do or who she could love. Up until her death she had lived her life like she saw fit, so maybe she really was a winner in the end if it hadn't been for her untimely death. She had taken every hurdle in life with a stride. When she wanted to become a nurse and their father had resisted, she insisted on doing it anyway. When she was cast away by the family because of her choice to marry Tom, she had stood straight and proud, not letting anybody define her happiness.

Edith herself had thought she had picked herself up again nicely after being jilted at the altar, but as she was looking back at the last couple of years she knew it hadn't worked properly. She had felt great when she started writing and had been courted by her smart editor, but now she knew that what Sir Anthony Strallan had done to her, had scarred her deeper than she thought possible. She had happily reciprocated the first glimpses of affection anyone had shown her and if it hadn't been Michael Gregson, it could have been any man really. She had directed all her hopes for the future at Michael and had never taken a step back to actually think about what she needed and wanted. In hindsight she knew she had needed and wanted a free man, who would be accepted and liked by her family, who she could love freely and who would not feel the need to run away from her. All her prospects so far had not complied with one or more of these factors. And to top it all off, she wasn't able to come home at night and feel the love of her daughter. She wasn't as charming as Mary with men or as strong as Sibyl in life. The only friends she ever had had been Patrick and Sibyl. There was a young maid, when she was younger, who had been her confidant, but she had left and married when Edith was only thirteen. Edith used to talk to her mother about nearly everything, but she felt as if her mother wasn't really listening to her and her problems, so at some point she just stopped. It became easier to just keep to herself and not be a burden to anyone.

Having her daughter close by was a fraction better than to how it was before, but Edith still felt utterly sad, constantly. Even though her mother tried to console her sometimes, it never worked, because she didn't know why Edith was so sad. Aunt Rosamund was in London and when she talked with her on the phone, she couldn't talk freely, because she might be overheard. And her grandmother acted as if nothing ever happened. The couple who had adopted her daughter named her Marigold. Edith was very unhappy with the name, but it now was on her birth certificate, so she couldn't easily change it. During her pregnancy, she just called her child sweetie or honey and after she was born and during the time she nursed her, she called her Grace. The weeks she spent with her were the best weeks of her life and the day she had to give her up was the worst day of her life. It was also the day she lost all her faith in god. Who would be so cruel to give her something so perfect and beautiful just to take it away again? Who would take a child from her mother or a husband from his wife or a wife from her husband? It wasn't just.

Edith stopped her thoughts and threw the picture of her sisters and herself across the room, before she burst into tears.

To hell with god, to hell with Mary and her new prospect of happiness, to hell with it all.

She sobbed and looked teary eyed across the room. She couldn't leave the broken glass on the floor. One of the maids may notice and tell Carson, who might tell her father and she really couldn't handle a talk about why she had broken a picture frame, which normally stood on a table in the library, in her own room. She dragged herself up and started picking up the pieces of shattered glass from the carpet. Afterwards she was surprised to see, that she had cut herself without even noticing. It was probably the numbness she was feeling constantly.

She had gotten very good at hiding all the changes in herself. Upon her return from Switzerland she had started dressing and bathing herself, saying she had gotten used to doing it herself, since she didn't have a ladies maid abroad. Of course it was only to hide her changed body; she also clothed herself in more loose fitting outfits, which was alright, because the current fashion was all about flowing fabric. What she apparently couldn't hide was her constant foul mood. Mary's sniping remarks were worse than ever and cut deeper than ever. Her already thin emotional skin was easily injured and more than not, she tried to hurt Mary back, which backfired as always.

One thing that always seemed to help was her occasional visits to the Drewe family, even though she could never stay long and never hold Grace for more than a few minutes. Being close to her gave her new energy to get through the days.

Another thing that helped was her diary. If it wasn't all too real and sad, it would make a real good tearjerker novel, she thought.

My life is a tragedy in its own.

Edith decided to get a plaster for her finger, before she covered the whole carpet in red. She put on her dressing gown with care to not spoil it and walked through the big house downstairs to the kitchen. It was 11 at night and she was sure everybody had already gone to bed, but when she entered the corridor, Mr Carson stepped in her way.

"Milady, how can I be of assistance at this hour of the night?"

"Mr Carson, I am so very sorry if I am a burden, but as you see, I have cut my finger on my letter opener and need something to stop the bleeding."

As Mr Carson looked down at her hand his eyes went wide. "Oh Lady Edith, of course, please let me get Mrs Hughes, she can help."

"Please don't wake Mrs Hughes on my behalf, I am quite capable of applying a plaster; I did look after soldiers during the war, you know. Would you just be so kind to give me one and I will be out of your way?"

Mr Carson looked at Edith, who was pale and thin, upon closer inspection.

"Please come into my office, if you won't feel uncomfortable."

"I have known you since my birth Mr Carson, nothing you do could make me uncomfortable, but I thank you for your consideration. You are our very own keeper of the rules."

Mr Carson straightened out, proud of himself. "Always at your service, milady."

"I know Carson, thank you."

Edith followed him into his room, were he started pulling out drawers, until he seemed to have found what he was looking for. He handed Edith the little box, in which she found everything she needed to bandage her cut. This gave Carson a moment longer to look at Lady Edith. Not only was she pale and thin, her worry lines seemed deeper than ever. No young Lady like her should ever be as unhappy as she had been these past several months.

"I am sorry if I am crossing a line, but may I offer my ear, whenever you feel the need to talk to someone who isn't of your family, milady?"

Edith considered this for a second, before she answered him.

"In light of your close friendship with my older sister Mary, I don't see how I could ever tell you anything I don't want her to know, Mr Carson. I mean no disrespect, but I am very aware where your loyalties lie."

Edith saw how Mr Carson struggled with his next words, it wasn't every day one was able to see Mr Carson be uncertain of anything, so she continued: "But please don't feel bad on my behalf, I have always been used to standing in Mary's shadow, may it be with suitors, my parents or the staff."

And in her shadow I shall remain.

"Milady, I feel deeply troubled that you feel this way. Your family loves you very much and, but please keep this between us, you are much respected downstairs, because you are well read, always polite to the maids and footmen and low-maintenance in comparison to everyone else." He said and Edith had to chuckle.

"Yes, I guess since I'm not using a ladies maid anymore, I am indeed low-maintenance." She stopped and decided to change the topic. "Do you remember a young maid who used to work here when I was around ten? Her name was Alice and she was very hardworking and always kind. She went off to marry a young man in London. She was a really good judge of character. I loved her dearly and I felt very lonely after she went away. My parents started grooming Mary to be the next Lady Grantham; from the second they realized they wouldn't have a son. Sybil was much better at playing second fiddle than I ever was. I envied Mary and she despised me for it. I now see how stupid and weak I was back then. How stupid I still am for wanting some attention from time to time."

Edith had no idea why she was telling the butler all that, she didn't want to make him feel bad, but she wanted him to understand. A lone tear and a small sob escaped Edith. She was sat down into a chair by Carson and a minute later hot tea was placed in front of her.

"Drink milady, it will make you feel better."

There was a knock on the door and it was Mrs Hughes who entered. She looked still half asleep, but when she saw Edith crying in Mr Carson's chair, she went over to the girl and pulled her into an embrace. Carson was about to stop her, because it wasn't 'right' to hug a Lady, but Hughes stopped him with a wave of her hand. And he was surprised to see that a hug seemed to be the right thing for Lady Edith.

"There, there milady. Everything will be alright." She said with her heavy accent and stroked the younger woman's hair soothingly.

"Oh Hughsy, you don't know how wrong you are, nothing will be alright." Edith answered. "I am doomed to be a lonely and unhappy."

Carson gave Mrs Hughes a sign and left the room quietly to give the women some privacy.

"I'm so sorry Mrs Hughes, this is very un-ladylike of me."

"Do not worry about that milady, everybody is allowed to cry every once in a while and a good hug is usually the best medicine."

Edith recovered slightly and tried to dry her eyes a bit. "I fear I scared poor Mr Carson, he isn't used to sobbing ladies."

"Don't worry about him. What is it milady? Is it your Mr Gregson, have you heard anything?"

"No, there is no news and with each passing day my hope for his safe return fades more."

"But is that all? I know there is something else that pains you deeply. You don't eat well and rarely smile, I hear."

"Oh I would tell you if I could, but I can't. This is a burden I must carry on my own."

"I have a suspicion of what it is that is plaguing you and if it is what I think it is, it really is a reason to be so sorrowful. I don't know the circumstances, but I do know how hurt you must be."

Edith looked up at Mrs Hughes and the housekeeper saw the truth in the ladies eyes. "Please don't say anything to anyone, I wouldn't survive the repercussions."

"Your secret is safe with me even though I don't know any details."

Edith took a deep breath to calm herself down and started to speak again. "I know it is not very wise to carry photo around with me, but I'd like for you to see it, now that you know what is going on." Edith handed Mrs Hughes a picture from the inner pockets of her night gown. It was of Grace, her little daughter, in the arms of Mrs Drewe. "You must know how important it is for the sake of this little girl, that you keep her a secret. She would only ever be the bastard of the family and I don't want her to grow up like that. Can you promise me that?" Edith whispered as not to be overheard.

"I promise, my dear lady. Oh what a lovely little girl! I do promise, no one will ever hear a word from me, but if I may state my opinion, I think your family would support you wherever they could as soon as the shock was settled. They may be hurt and seem ill willed at first, but they would come around and embrace her into the family."

"Maybe Hughsy, but you know, that is not the only reason. My family would be very hurt, yes, but they would also face a huge scandal and I know my father, he would rather send me away than have another scandal in the house. There have already been one too many for his tastes. Mary he might forgive, but me? No. I can't risk it, but I do have to come up with a solution, because as depressed as I feel, my life depends on it."

"From my perspective you have to make a choice for yourself. If you want to be with your child, you can either not tell your parents and leave Downton and go to America to be out of sight or you tell your parents and accept the consequences. Either they sent you away, but your daughter would go with you, or they forgive you and you all weather the storm of society's wrath together, as a family."

"I know my options and I think I'm just afraid that they'd actually disown me."

"So, would it be easier to not even try, milady?"

Edith didn't answer.

Yes.

"I presume your aunt, Lady Rosamund, knows everything, because she was with you?"

"Yes and my grandmother figured it out, but I don't know if I can count on granny to support me. As long as Grace stays hidden she is being supportive, but if it may tarnish the family name… I'm not so sure."

"So ask her!" Mrs Hughes said. Edith looked up into her eyes.

"I should ask her if we tell them together and if she would calm down her son when he flies off the handle! That could actually work, because I think my mother and Mar would accept it better, if my father was consent. I would still need a huge amount of good luck, but it may work."

Mrs Hughes smiled and Edith took her hand. "Mrs Hughes, I thank you so much for your help. I still might need some more time and I have to speak to farmer Drewe first, but I now think it might be best after all, if I tell them. I can't run away from my problems and I can't live without Grace any longer."

"I am glad to help any way I can, milady. And if I might say so, I think you would have come to the same conclusion eventually. I just sped up the process." Mrs Hughes answered and bowed her head slightly.

"You have done so much more than that, thank you. But I need to ask one last thing of you. I still need you to keep this a secret until I have told my parents and it may take another few weeks before that happens."

"I already promised you that my lady, your wee one's existence shall remain between us for now."

Now Edith smiled and she felt as if she smiled a real smile for the first time since she saw Grace last.

My story may change after all.

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TBC