Truths and Lies – 武田地夜

Disclaimer: I do not own Tales of Symphonia or the characters and story lines pertaining to it.

I try to keep myself hidden as I watch you. I know that if you see me you'll assume the worst. You always do; as you should. I have given you no reason to ever assume I am trying to help, or that I am just worried about you. After all I've done to you it's understandable. I wonder though what it is you feel the most towards me: hatred for all I've done, or betrayed by my deceit? Those two seem to always be my companions… hatred and deceit. Whichever answer you choose would be justified, though. No one would blame you. I wouldn't.

I've built up so many barriers, so many walls. I don't want these thoughts to hinder me in my duties. I have so many of them, these thoughts. Some are of the way we were, how we used to be… but most are of how we are now. All these lies I've told to you, all in an attempt to keep the truth from hurting you. But it's hard. I hate lying to you, portraying myself as such a terrible man in your eyes. I've told you these lies in order to protect you, to save you from myself in the end, but they still end up hurting you anyway. It was inevitable, I suppose, us coming into this situation. We've become sworn enemies like this, haven't we? But I suppose that if one day when this is over, when you'll surely want nothing to do with me, then I shouldn't complain about our current situation. At least this way, in this "status quo", I can still be near you.

…Anna… If only you knew…

As I watch you with your companions, I can't help but be reminded of that time when you were young. You were so small… I can still remember how you'd run up to me after a long day, grinning and begging me to lift you up onto my shoulders. We walked like that often, laughing and smiling, just the two of us. On some level I hope that you'll remember those days, but I know you were too young to. Back then you mother and I were your whole world, and now… if it takes being your enemy to be needed by you, then that's what I'll become. I envy you though. You believe these lies so easily, make it so simple to trick you. If only I were like that, able to lie to myself the way I lie to you… if only I were able to believe in my own deceit. Then they wouldn't be lies anymore would they? They would have become real… my own reality, as much as it is yours now.

You're the light of my world, a blazing sun in my darkest night. You are what keeps me moving forward. But that beautiful sun has become blistering to me. I fear that this darkness is the only safe place for me, here underneath a chipped and broken moon. I've fallen deeper now. These dark shadows cast from my lies follow me, indiscernible but to I who created them. With every lie I tell, every trick I play, they seem to grow larger. I feel as though they will swallow me up into themselves. Like they're there, behind me, calling, "Come here… we're right behind you…"

I can't have always been like this… can I?

I hope you become the best you can be. That you can be more than I ever was… I will always love you. It would be too much though to hope the same from you, I know. Everything I do seems to trouble you, so perhaps after this… we will go our separate ways at last. I can only do so much for you, but I will still try.

Even if everything is taken from me, I swear to you I'll protect you. I won't make the same mistake I did all those years ago, the day I left you. That promise reassures me that somehow, I can make this right, even if it's only through you that I do. I won't be here for much longer, not if I want you to succeed. So please… be free. Be happy; even if we are no longer together. I believe in you and your dreams. You have become so strong. I know you'll be able to protect her. I have complete faith in you. I hope that from time to time, you'd spare a thought of me at least when I'm gone. But fight on.

Please… Lloyd…