Those Eyes
Ever since the moment I first caught a glimpse of Lily Evans playing with her sister Petunia in their backyard, I knew. I knew that she was the most beautiful girl in the world. I would sit at that fence separating my backyard from hers, separating my life from hers, and watch as she smiled, laughed, and played, day after day. I would marvel over the way in which the light caught the strands of red in her mane of fiery hair. I would wonder what it would be like to speak with her, for once. To hear her twinkling voice directed towards me. To watch her emerald green eyes light up at something I said.
But, she was just a muggle. A lowly muggle. A creature I had been taught wizards were to treat as lower than rats. Of course, I had always thought of this as slightly hypocritical as my own father was a muggle. It seemed as though my mother had forgotten this after his passing. Eileen never failed to remind me that "I was half Price, after all." She taught me good pureblood rituals and values. Such values dissuaded me from ever speaking to the beautiful redheaded girl from across the fence.
Then, one day everything changed. I made an amazing discovery. I discovered that Lily was magical, like me. Lily Evans was a witch. I take pride in having witnessed what appeared to be her very first magical encounter.
Lily and Petunia had been climbing the tree in their backyard when Petunia, being the harebrained girl I had observed her to be, decided to climb higher than had ever gone before, up to where the branches were less stable, and where the sunlight poured through. Lily warned her against it, but Petunia would not be swayed. As her sister neared the top of the tree, Lily trembled with fear on her much lower branch, crying out to the brunette who had refused to listen. When Petunia reached the top of the tree, a loud crack split the air, and she instantly began to fall. She fell down, down through the blanket of leaves and towards the ground. Lily cried out, and almost instantly, her sister froze midair, inches from the earth.
Lily's first act of magic had been to save another, as was her last.
Now was my chance. I could finally talk to the girl I had loved from the moment I saw her.
But I didn't. What exactly was I supposed to say? "Hi I'm Sev, did you know you're a witch?" I didn't think so. So I waited and I watched. I watched as her magic became more developed, I watched as her parents became more intrigued, and I watched as Petunia became more and more jealous. It pained me, but I didn't approach the girl.
Eventually however, I couldn't resist.
It was a Sunday afternoon, and Lily and Petunia had decided to play in the park. Lily was playing on the swing set, flying higher and higher, while Petunia sat watching her sister and picking weeds from the grass.
At once, at the height of its arc, Lily let go of the swing. To any other spectator, jumping off a swing mid air would seem foolhardy, but I was no ordinary spectator. I did not flinch as I watched her soar through the air and land gracefully on the grass. I knew she would be all right; she was a witch, after all.
Petunia, however, knew no such thing, and began to scream as her sister flew, crying, "Mummy told you not to!" as Lily landed, gracefully as ever.
The red head took no notice of her overly paranoid sister who went on to nag her further. Giggling, Lily showed Petunia that she had discovered how to open and close the petals of a flower.
"Stop it!" shrieked Petunia, as Lily insisted that it wasn't hurting anyone.
It was then that Petunia's curiosity took over. "It's not right," said Petunia. "How do you do it?" she added. I could hear the longing in her voice.
I could no longer contain myself.
"It's obvious, isn't it?" I almost whispered, coming out of my hiding spot among the bushes
My sudden appearance caused Petunia to shriek and fall backwards. Even Lily seemed startled, although she remained standing in the same position. I regretted my sudden appearance instantly. I wished I could fade away into the bush, to be a spectator instead of a participant again.
"What's obvious?" Lily asked.
Knowing I would now have to confess what I had known for so long I lowered my voice, "I know what you are."
"What do you mean?"
"You're… you're a witch," I whispered.
Her reaction was most definitely not what I had expected, as she jumped back, looking affronted.
"That's not a very nice thing to say to somebody!" she said, turning towards her sister.
"No!" I practically yelled, realizing my mistake. Maybe muggles took offense to being called witches, as a witch would take offense to being called a muggle?
"You are," I said to Lily. "You are a witch. I've been watching you for a while. But there's nothing wrong with that. My mum's a witch, and I'm a wizard."
Petunia just laughed at me.
"Wizard!" She shrieked, "I know who you are. You're that Snape boy! They live down at Spinner's End by the river. Why have you been spying on us?"
I rolled my eyes at her utter stupidity. "I haven't been spying. Why would I spy on you, anyway? You're a muggle." I added with perhaps too much venom.
Unfortunately, Petunia stuck her nose in the air and led her sister away. I stood rooted to the spot with bitter disappointment and an air of failure at having lost the opportunity I had been waiting for so long to arise.
At least I had spoken to the green-eyed beauty at long last.
After that initial encounter, I was devastated. I stopped watching Lily altogether, and gave up hope of us ever being friends until a week or so later, when I opened my front door to find Lily Evans twirling a strand of her long and beautiful red hair around her finger.
I did not attempt to control my shock. Lily Evans, the girl with whom I had been infatuated for months appeared in front of my house. Naturally, given the fact that my mother was home, I was unable to invite her inside. In consolation, I suggested we walk to the park and much to my surprise, she obliged.
Once we arrived at the same park in which we had officially met for the first time, Lily began to speak, "I've been thinking about what you had said last week."
I nodded.
"Were you joking?"
I raised my eyebrow, confused. "About what?
"About… about me being a witch?" Lily asked, eyes wide as if she longed to believe, but dared not.
"No," I responded.
"No I'm not a witch or no you weren't joking?" she implored, searching for a clear answer.
"No, I was not joking," I chuckled, and looking straight into her beautiful green eyes I said, "You, Lily Evans, are most definitely a witch."
"Wow," Lily answered, her eyes wide.
I scrunched up my face in concentration and practically begged my magic to respond. After a few seconds, a white lily appeared in my hand.
"For you," I said, holding it out to her.
"A lily?" she asked shocked, taking my gift apprehensively.
"A lily for a Lily," I responded, and she giggled excitedly. It was beautiful.
After that day, the day on which Lily had finally learned she was a witch, we became inseparable. And, she became obsessed with learning about the wizarding world. I showed her wizarding pictures, told her stories about the founders of Hogwarts, bought her chocolate frogs and together we read some of the spell books my mother kept around the house. We spent hours trying to produce the various charms and curses with sticks of wood Lily had found in her backyard.
We were best friends and she told me everything. The only thing I never mentioned to Lily was the blood hierarchy. She had no knowledge that once she began school at Hogwarts or when she was finally exposed to the wizarding world that she might be discriminated against.
Eventually, her Hogwarts letter came. We celebrated with vanilla ice cream sundaes and Bertie Bott Every Flavoured Beans; the best of both worlds.
We grew so close, so inseparable, that a week before school began we made a pact. We promised to be best friends forever, and to be there for one another at every turn.
But, when we went to Hogwarts, I was in for a shock. Lily Evans, my best friend, was sorted into Gryffindor and I, into Slytherin. At first we stayed close, inseparable by day and only forced apart by night. However, we both cam to realize that another obstacle stood in our way as well. Because she was in Gryffindor, we were also separated by belief.
Gryffindors were known for courage, while Slytherins for cunningness. Gryffindors were mostly light and Slytherins were Dark. That was just how it worked. The thought of two such people even getting along, let alone being best friends, was unheard of.
But we did, and we were.
That is not to say that it was not hard, being best friends with a Gryffindor. I was teased and taunted by many of my peers. It didn't matter you me then, I still loved her.
Unfortunately, as they say, all good things must come to an end, and indeed this; the most amazing thing that had ever occurred in my life, came crashing down. It fell slowly at first, and then faster than the wings of a hummingbird against the azure sky.
School was a tough place for me. I was never what one would call a normal child, let alone a normal Slytherin, given my friendship with Lily. Other than her, my friends were few and far between, especially in that first year. Lily seemed to have the opposite problem. Her effortless grace was hypnotizing, and students naturally flocked towards her, but she always had time for me. For Sev, her best friend forever.
How I wish I were still a first year. Back then, Lily and I cared not of the pressure to assimilate, to become just another Slytherin or Gryffindor. It's funny, seeing as my 11-year-old self would not have been able to fight back if someone had attached or challenged me, whereas it was my 15-year-old self and onwards, then powerful and magically knowledgeable, who backed away before the opportunity arose. As my magic grew stronger, my strength and determination seemingly grew weaker. Perhaps I had merely been naïve then. Perhaps that was not a bad thing.
Second year passed in nearly the same fashion, but it was then that I found my release, my true calling; potions. Yes, I had had experience making potions prior to my second year, but it was then that my talent flourished. I was happy to have finally found a hobby, but it seemed to further alienate me from the other students. Now, I was not only the Gryffindor-loving Slytherin, but the potions-obsessed Gryffindor-loving Slytherin.
Honestly, I didn't care all that much. I was proud of who I was. I even took to calling myself the "Half-Blood Prince," a title only Lily knew of.
Lily and I remained close during that year, meeting daily under the shade of our favourite tree by the lake. How I loved our time spent together. We would sit for hours after class, watching the clouds go by. Watching the children run past. Discussing the stupidity of James Potter & Co. Talking about a past exam or assignment. Watching the flowers grow. Some would have found it boring, but I savored every moment. Every second spent with Lily Evans was a jewel.
Third year came much too quickly, and both Lily and I sensed a change. We were busier now, with more classes and less free time. We could no longer lose track of the hour by the lake. Our moments together became carefully calculated, planned out to the last millisecond, and more valuable than ever.
Fourth year was when my dreams began to come crashing down. Lily and I still spent time together, but that year I found myself spending more and more time alone. Lily found herself caught up in a never-ending throng of people. I found myself struggling to keep up with her. Lily found herself struggling to slow down. But above all, the discovery that made all the difference was neither of ours. It was that of James Potter. James found Lily.
By found, I mean fell in love with.
James Potter was nothing short of a bully. He and his "posse" enjoyed taunting and teasing me mercilessly to no end. He was cocky and arrogant and everything I hated most. Unfortunately, everything I loved most, he loved as well. We were both in love with Lily Evans. We still are.
Fifth year was the year my world shattered. It was all due to a stupid mistake, a careless, heartless, error. I had been weak. It was after our Defense Against the Dark Arts OWL, and I hadn't spoken to Lily in weeks. I told myself that she had been too busy, but I knew that was not the truth. Sure, OWLS were important but there had always been time before. She had always made allowances.
As I walked out of the Great Hall upon having finished the written portion of the OWL, I made for the Hogwarts grounds to sit by Lily and my favourite tree with knowingly futile hope that Lily would join me as she used to years ago every day after we finished an exam or test.
I had barely begun to cross the lawn when I heard the whining voice of a person I had long since grown to hate call out to me.
"All right, Snivellus?" James Potter taunted.
Snivellus: a brilliant creation from the mind of James Potter. I hated that name. It made me cringe. However, I would not let myself appear bothered. Emotions were a sign of weakness. My mother had taught me that.
Having expected my usual, twice-daily attack, I reached for my wand. I spun around fast, poised to attack, but James was faster.
"Expelliarmus!" He cried. And I was wand-less. Damn.
"Impedimenta!" Sirius barked, and I was thrown to the ground.
They teased and taunted me as students gathered around to watch. Profanities and hexes streamed from my mouth; all worthless, as my wand lay useless ten feet away from where I had been bound. In an obnoxious attempt to be clever, James decided to scourgify my mouth.
And as I lay, my mouth foaming with pink soap bubbles, on the ground choking and nearly to death, Lily approached. All I could see was red.
"Leave him ALONE!" Lily cried, her startlingly green almond shaped eyes wild.
James was obviously taken aback. "All right, Evans?" he asked in a voice I am sure he meant to sound mature.
"Leave him alone," Lily repeated, looking at James with disgust. "What's he done to you?"
In his stupidity, James decided to answer the obviously rhetorical question. "Well, it's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean…"
The surrounding students laughed.
"You think you're funny," Lily said coldly. "But you're nothing but an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone!"
"I will if you go out with me Evans!" came James' oh-so-clever response. "Go on… go out with me and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."
By this point I felt the jinx wearing off. As my limbs came unbound I began to crawl toward my wand, soap bubbles still foaming from my mouth.
"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid!" Lily announced.
"Bad luck Prongs," Sirius laughed, and then turning back to me cried, "OI!"
But it was too late. I had already completed my spell. A bloody gash appeared on the side of Potter's face. The blood dripped down, covering his robes in think red liquid.
Potter turned and sent me flying into the air, upside-down. The crowd cheered and laughed.
"Let him down," Lily commanded, but I could hear a hint of a smile in her voice.
"Certainly." James replied, jerking his wand upwards and leaving me in a head on the ground.
Just as I disentangled myself Black yelled "Petrificus Totalus!"
"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Lily yelled, pulling her own wand out.
"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you," said Potter earnestly.
"Take the curse off him then!"
James sighed and muttered the counter curse.
I should have been grateful. She did rescue me, but in that moment all I knew was that I was being made a fool of by the Marauders again, and that Lily had defend me as if I were a child. They say that pride is not a quality we Slytherin students possess. It is the quality of a Gryffindor. However, in that moment my pride hurt, as it would have had someone stuck a dagger through my heart. I hated feeling like such a Gryffindor. The added pain of my shame made everything so much worse.
"There you go," Potter said to me, mockingly as I got to me feet, "You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus-"
"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"
Lily blinked. My eyes closed. Time stood still. I knew I had done something unforgivable.
After that fateful day, one I that will forever be my worst memory, I knew that she was gone. We would never be friends again. I tried to apologize, to make things right, but she refused to speak to me.
I saw Lily everyday in class and in the halls, but mostly in my mind; in the memories that we shared. The best memories I had.
Slowly, school began to proceed as expected for a boy with no friends. I threw myself into my studies, practicing spells and charms from books in the library's restricted section night and day. I even made up some of my own.
My sixth year was a confusing one for me. I did not know who I was or what I was meant to be. Also, my mother passed away. I cannot think of one happy memory from that dark time. Nothing went right. All I could see was black. I do not think I smiled once.
In my seventh year, things got even worse. I made another dire mistake. I accidentally left my potions book in the potions classroom one day after school and a Slytherin classmate of mine happened upon it.
We Slytherin are silent and devious. Like snakes, we strike at the most opportune moment. This classmate of mine was a snake in the darkest sense.
The snake offered me my book back with an interesting preposition. His leader had taken quite an interest in the spells I had scribbled in the book's margins. The older boy wanted me to pledge allegiance to his Lord's side. To He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.
Around the same time, Lily started seeing Potter. It killed me to see them together and I could not understand what she saw in him. Each day when I saw them together under what used to me Lily and my tree, I wanted to curse and mourn for what might have been.
I am not attempting in any way to justify my decision, but what was I to do? Either I would remain lost and hurt or I would join He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. He offered security. As a Slytherin, I weighed my choices. I knew that I had promise in the Dark Arts. I had received straight Os through my Hogwarts career, and I had a knack for adapting harmless spell to fit darker purposes. With those thoughts in mind, I agreed to meet with the Dark Lord.
Our meeting was brief and confirmed all of that which I had heard. The Lord was dark and vicious and would stop at nothing to get what he wanted. Most of all, he was powerful. Gryffindors value courage, Ravenclaws value knowledge and Hufflepuffs value loyalty. I am a Slytherin and I value power. Light or dark, we are drawn to it. We feed off of it. In the presence of the Dark Lord, I could taste his power on the tip of my tongue. His magic was stronger than any I had ever been in the presence of. It radiated around his being like a strong, sharp, and horrific aura that I longed to be near to. When I returned for the meeting I was more confused than ever.
I wanted to talk to Lily, to have her convince me not to turn to him, to tell me that I could make it without his help. But she wasn't there. She hadn't been for a long time. Still I tried. I called out to her one day after potions. She looked at me and I knew what she was seeing; a crippled figure, too broken to be a man, but too tainted by the darkness of the world's cruelty to be a child. Potter grabbed her hand protectively and pulled her out of the room.
I was devastated. It had taken so much for me to work up the courage to ask for help and she had not even attempted to break free of Potter's grip to help me. It was my final plea to the light, asking them to let me in. Her rejection was as if she had built an iron gate with a silver padlock. There was no point in hanging on the gate's bars; I knew the key had long since been buried. I would make a good dark wizard, perhaps a great one.
That night, I took the mark.
Time seemed to move more quickly then. I soon graduated from Hogwarts with top marks, and busied myself by day by becoming a potions master at a research facility in London. By night, I fulfilled my Lord's tasks.
For the Dark Lord, I brewed potions and thought up dark curses I dared not test. My one condition was never to have to participate in raids or battle. I preferred to stay behind the scenes. It was safer that way, and I was a Slytherin not a Gryffindor.
As I drifted deeper into the darkness of this new world, I thought of Lily each day. Of her hair, her eyes, her kindness, her smell. I tried to isolate myself from the news of the wizarding world. I cared not for their petty worries. I needed no more pain in my life. But then again, who had ever cared for my needs.
A year passed before I was disturbed from this lifestyle. That day, coworkers of mine had begun to discuss the upcoming nuptials of Lily Evans and James Potter. I claimed to have fallen ill, and wandered home.
That night, I found myself in a bar with a pint of fire whiskey and elf-made wine. I drank alone and cried, cursing my bad luck and life in general.
Months passed. I was walking home from work when I saw her for the first time since our graduation. She emerged alone from a store in Diagon Alley. The blanket of darkness mixed with my sadness gave me the courage to approach her. I had nothing left to lose, or so I thought.
I walked slowly and purposefully over towards her. Her eyes widened when she realized who I was. She seemed afraid of me. It was terrible.
"Lily," I whispered. My voice was almost lost on the wind.
Her figure moved closer and into the light of a passing store window. "Severus."
We had not spoken is so long. My voice was strained.
"Why?" I asked, my lips trembling.
The question was not clear, but we both understood its meaning.
"Because I love him," she told me quietly, a tear falling from the perfect green eyes that had plagued my dreams since I was a boy.
"I love you too."
She shook her head, "I love you as well, Severus."
She did not understand. I loved her. Not like a friend, not like a brother; like a lover.
"No Lily," I told her, forcing her green eyes to meet my dark irises, "I love you. I always have."
"Sev…" She whispered. My name dropped from her lips with more grace than I had ever witnessed.
I could feel my own eyes swell with tears. I blinked them back. I could not remember the last time I cried.
"And you choose him," my voice sounded bitter, and the taste in my mouth was metallic.
"How long, Sev?"
"A long time now," I replied, bowing my head.
"Severus," Lily answered, her voice thick, "I love James."
I kept my eyes trained on the ground, still trying to best my tears. I knew I had no chance at all.
"If I would have said something earlier... Would it have made a difference?" I had to ask.
Her tears were falling fast now. "No. I don't think so."
That pained me more than anything I had felt before. I had never even had a chance. I had always loved her in a way she never had or would. I turned about to leave.
"Severus," Lily called out to me, "I really am sorry. I wouldn't have let us get so close. I shouldn't have made you fall in love with me." I saw the guilt on her face. It seemed out of place, and I realized I had not seen her wear that expression before. She was too good to do anything worth feeling guilty for.
"You give yourself too much credit Lily," I laughed, bitterly. It was not a pleasant sound. "You did nothing. I loved you before I knew your name. Since the first time I saw you."
"On the swings?" I saw pity in her eyes. It made my stomach churn.
"No, before that," I felt a tear drop. "You were in your garden. Petunia was chasing you in a game of tag and you were laughing. The first time I heard your laugh, I fell in love."
I had never felt so vulnerable, so naked. Not even in front of the Dark Lord would could read any thought in my mind. Only she could have done this to me. Reduced me to this. I turned to leave again. I did not want her to see me like this. After all the pain she had put me through, I still loved her more than anything.
"Sev… It doesn't have to be like this!" she cried, red cheeks stained with tears and anger.
"It does," I whispered. "I love you and you don't love me, so now I am going to leave you to your perfect life with your perfect husband to be. You can forget me." I could not keep the hurt form entering my voice. I winced, realizing I sounded like a spoiled child. A spoiled Gryffindor child.
"I will never forget you, Severus," Lily whispered.
I hoped this was true, because I knew that she would forever remain the most treasured part of my sorrow filled-life.
Then, Lily did something I would have never expected in a million years. She stood up on her toes and pressed her lips to mine.
The kiss did not last long enough, but the moment was one I knew I would forever use to conjure my patronus. A lifetime of waiting, a lifetime of hurt and anger… I put everything into that kiss.
Then my love pulled away. I saw her green eyes shining with tears. The kiss had not been a confession of love. It meant goodbye. I had not deluded myself into thinking otherwise, but still, my need and longing seemed only further intensified. Once you have a taste of heaven, you just can't go back to hell.
"Goodbye, Severus." Lily whispered, speaking the words I knew had to come. I knew we would never meet again, save for in my dreams.
I turned and left. I truly had nothing to live for. Hell was all I had now, and the inferno burnt my flesh. Then, when the fire left my veins, I felt the cold. A cool sensation, like ice, took over me. It was hard like stone, and smooth. No one could break it, or scratch the surface. I hid the fire under the ice and hoped it would never melt the exterior. I wore the ice as a mask. I felt nothing anymore.
Just as I had the first time she broke my heart, I threw myself into my work. I found myself ascending the ranks of the Death Eaters and soon answered to Voldemort himself. I was a good servant. For the first time in my life, I felt raw power within myself. People, albeit Death Eaters, feared me.
I began to venture out of the lab. I killed my first opponent. His name was Stephen. He was 24. He had a wife and a child on the way. That night I could not sleep, but I did not cry. I had become too hard. Tear could no longer consume my eyes.
One day, I found myself in Hogsmeade after work. I decided to grab a drink at the Hog's Head. The Head was a run down bar with that served shady individuals who preferred privacy. No one would disrupt my solitude.
I sat and ordered a drink. The liquor tasted like mold. It did little to easy my depression. Alcohol never did. Not for long, at least.
A half hour passed before Professor Dumbledore entered the bar. The barman led him to a private upstairs room.
I do not know what possessed me to do it, but as he climbed the stairs toward his meeting, I followed closely behind.
My eavesdropping remained undetected for a while. I listened to a prospective professor dabble on about her so-called skills. I was just as unimpressed as Dumbledore later insured me he had been.
However, she suddenly began to speak in a new voice. She began to prophesize. I listened rapidly. My Lord would indeed be thankful for me having listened in.
"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches...Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies…"
That was when Aberforth Dumbledore found me. He questioned me and I murmured something about having been lost on my way to the toilet. Without a thought, the barkeeper barged into Dumbledore's room, all the while yelling with absolutely no decorum.
Somehow, I made it out of the bar that night alive and bowed before my Master. I recited to him what I had learned and the Dark Lord was indeed pleased. I was to be rewarded. I just could not forget the look in Dumbledore's eyes. I could not place it until much later. It was pity.
The seventh months came and passed before I was summoned to the Dark Lord for a private meeting. I arrived on time and was taken immediately to my Lord's innermost chamber. It was an honour and a gesture he knew would not go unnoticed given my mother's training.
"My rival has been born," the Dark Lord hissed after I was seated. The man, if one could call him that, licked his lips.
"Yes, my Lord," I bowed my head.
"I plan on killing him young," my Lord continued, his crimson eyes shining with excitement. " While he is still weak, and innocent."
It was logical. I understood my Lord's reasoning. It would be effortless. I did not need to speak these words aloud; I merely let them slip through my occlumency shield.
"I am glad you approve, Severus," he purred. Then, the Dark Lord smiled. It was an action so out of place on his inhuman looking face that the gesture seemed more gruesome than any kind of rage. "However, I have decided to let him live a year with his parents. To let the family become attached… Then, I will kill him. The pain will be all the more sweet."
This was typical of the Dark Lord. He loved pain. He fed off of it. He welcomed the suffering of the mother and the father. I had watched the Dark Lord murder countless children and innocent babies in front of their parents. Then, he would blind them so that the babe's death would be the last sight they would ever see. It was the worst type of torture.
"Who will you be killing, my Lord?" I asked boldly.
He chucked cruelly, "The prophecy speaks of a boy born as the seventh month dies. Two such boys now have been born to the Light side."
I looked into his face intently. I had long since grown not to mind its disfiguration.
"The first, Neville Longbottom, a pureblood," the Dark Lord sneered. "And the second… Harry Potter."
I felt faint. My occlumency shield nearly fell. Harry Potter. Lily's… Son?
"I intend to kill only one," the Lord smiled again, humorlessly. "The half-blood, Harry Potter."
I forced myself to regain my composure. "And what of his parents?"
The Dark Lord raised an eyebrow at me. "They will die."
"But my Lord!" I gasped. I could not let him kill my love!
The Dark Lord raised an eyebrow at me. I knew I had earned the look. I had detached myself from emotion for so long, but this reopened my wounds. I was forced again to feel. It was a show of weakness I should not have allowed to occur. He was disappointed.
"Yes?"
"Please…" I asked, my voice a whisper, "Do not kill Lily Evans."
Dark Lord turned away from me. "You do know Severus, that love is a weakness. And I can not tolerate my followers being... weak."
I bowed my head in apology.
Then the Dark Lord said the thing I know changed my opinion of him forever.
"I do not make promises," he hissed.
I was devastated. I could not believe that the prophecy I presented to the Dark Lord would be the cause of my love's death. Yes, my love. I still called her that. I had never stopped loving her and I knew I never would. I had tried to hate her, but the effort was always in vain. I could not escape her. I could not even cast a Patronus, as mine took the same form as her doe. It had since the night of her final rejection.
That was when I wondered where I had gone wrong. My life was not supposed to be this way.
Days passed before I decided that I could not sit idly. I made a decision, one so drastic that it radically altered the course of my life.
I went to Dumbledore.
I confessed to being a Death Eater and I told Dumbledore that my Lord was targeting the Potters. I asked for the old man to hide them, to keep them—her—safe. He asked me what I would do in return. "Anything" was my response.
That anything turned out to be becoming an agent for Dumbledore. A spy. I also took a post as the potions master of Hogwarts. I was not allowed to claim the position of professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts. Although it pains me, I do admit that that was a wise decision. I was far too Dark then.
Meanwhile, the Dark Lord was pleased. He thought he had gained a link to Dumbledore, a spy. I was rewarded, exalted even. Little did he know my loyalties had switched.
On the thirsty first of October 1980, Lily Evans was murdered and her son, Harry, survived. I was devastated.
In rage, I went to Dumbledore. He had promised to keep her safe. He had given me his word. I was outraged.
Lily was gone. The one person who had ever understood me, dead. That night, I cried for the first time in years. I always cried over her, it seemed always to be the only worthy reason.
I vowed to visit Lily's grave every year on the anniversary of her death. Each year I brought her a white lily. A lily for a Lily, I would remember. The memory made me smile.
I did not see Harry Potter in his early years, but when he wandered into my classroom, my heart broke again. He had eyes a bright and beautiful green. Lily's eyes.
I knew in that moment that I had purpose again. I knew that I would protect this boy. I would surely die for this boy. Yes, he was the spawn of James Potter, but he was also Lily's son. The good without a doubt overrode the bad.
I admit, throughout his years at Hogwarts, I was hard on Harry Potter. Terrible, even. I was constantly fighting… It was hard for me to see him when she was dead; when she died for him.
Perhaps there was also a degree of jealously. He was a testament to the fact that she had loved someone else. He looked just like Potter. Also, she had loved Harry so much that she protected him from death, yet she had left me standing in the road with the ghost of a kiss dancing across my lips.
Later, when the Dark Lord returned to power I stood by his side, but only in body. He did not suspect a thing and I knew he never would.
Dumbledore was pleased with me. I was his best spy. He was so pleased that one afternoon during what was Harry Potter's sixth year he chose to entrust me with an extremely vital and earth shattering piece of information.
Harry Potter was going to die.
"You have used me!" I cried bitterly, "I have spied for you, lied for you, put myself in mortal danger for you. Everything was supposed to be to keep Lily Potter's son safe. Now you tell me you have been raising him like a pig for slaughter—"
"But this is touching, Severus. Have you grown to care for the boy, after all?" Dumbledore asked me with a twinkle in his eye.
Of course I cared about the boy. He was her son. I loved him. I had only ever changed sides for Lily, and after her death I had stayed to protect her son. It enraged me to know that Dumbledore saw Harry only as a pawn in the destruction of the Dark Lord. That was a fault of all Light Lords, like Dumbledore. They worked for the greater good of humanity, all the while making sacrifices.
Albus continued to explain to me his plan.
I was to kill Dumbledore. The Dark Lord would not claim that victory. Why? Because Albus Dumbledore possessed the Elder Wand; an object so powerful that it could not under any circumstance be obtained by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. I promised to always guard Hogwarts and its students.
The plan was put into motion far too soon. Within the year, Dumbledore was dead and Harry Potter was gone to hunt down the Dark Lord's horcruxes. Again, I missed those emerald green eyes just as I had after Lily had left my life. Even on a boy, or now, a man's face, they were beautiful.
I was made Head Master of Hogwarts, and the Dark side began to gain on the Light. It was a terrifying time, and I cannot believe that I emerged unscathed from that year.
I took orders from Dumbledore's portrait on how to act and what to do. It had been a few months after his disappearance when Dumbledore told me that Harry would be in need of an object with which to destroy the horcruxes. I was instructed to give Harry the sword of Gryffindor, without him discovering my identity.
I planned everything carefully. After much searching, I was able to locate the boy through the portrait of Phineas Nigellus. I dropped the Sword of Gryffindor into a shallow silver pond and cast my patronus, the doe.
"After all this time," Albus had marveled when he had seen my patronus the year before in his study. It had not changed once in my life. "Always," I replied. Always. My patronus would always be a doe. I had always loved Lily and I always would.
A patronus is an extremely powerful magical figment, not only because it is pure happiness, but also because it is the reflection of one's soul. For my entire life, my soul had been held captive by Lily Evans. Therefore, my patronus was the essence of Lily, a reflection of my love for her. It was a doe because she was a doe. She was beautiful, caring, graceful, and as I hated to be reminded, the mate of the stag.
When Harry Potter saw my patronus, he truly met his mother for the first time. He accepted that part of my soul and was so drawn to it because it was truly what he wanted most in life. It was painful for me to watch the doe reuniting with Harry, who looked so much like the human form of her stag, James Potter. When the doe faded, Harry called out to her. I felt his pain. We had both loved her, Lily, the doe, and we had both lost her.
I turned and left, knowing that I had done right.
Months passed and the final battle loomed like a dark cloud over Hogwarts. Even the creatures of the Forbidden Forest knew it was inevitable.
On May 2nd 1998, the battle commenced.
The fight had barely started when I was summoned to the Dark Lord in the Shrieking Shack. He looked at me with his crimson eyes mocking and malicious, and declared that I would die. He needed the Elder Wand.
He would not get it either way, but I knew could not die yet.
Then, I noticed Harry. He was kneeling near to me.
I drew my wand to my temple and my most sacred memories surfaced. They were memories of Lily, of our time together, spanning through childhood and into later days. But I needed more. I needed to show the boy what to do. I forced the memories of my conversation with Albus out from my head. Then, I handed those memories, the very thoughts that had kept me alive, that kept me light and good, to Harry Potter.
"Look at me," I whispered to the shocked boy as I lay, a broken man, about to be killed by the Dark Lord's monster.
He did. I looked into Harry Potter's eyes and I saw Lily Evans.
Those eyes, the most beautiful emerald green had saved me. They had reminded me how to love. They had haunted my dreams, turned nightmares into fairy tales. They had kept me whole and good and true. They gave me reason to be brave. Reason to breathe. I owed those eyes everything.
All I ever wanted was to die looking into those eyes.
I got my wish.
Some excerpts of dialogue belong to JKR.
This was my chapter of the Hogwarts Online collaboration about the Beginning of Love. You should go check that out, it's really good. I spent a long time working to get this story perfect and I still don't think it does Severus justice. One day I might write the his story again. Thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope you enjoyed it. Please review, I'd really like to know what you think!
Thanks,
Aly