Quick A/N: My first fic for KOTLC, even though I have been following this fandom for a long time. I'm not so much into writing ongoing series of shows or books, but I just felt compelled to write this fic. So here it is!
DISCLAIMER: 1) I do not own Keeper of the Lost Cities or any of its characters, etc. (It belongs to Shannon Messenger)
2) The style of this fic was heavily based off of a collection of one-shots by TEAM SOPHIE
3) The idea of this fic loosely came about by The Matchmakers by twinkletoestbh, but isn't
directly related to any of their ideas.
A lot of credit goes to all the aforementioned people, and I hope it's okay that I imitate your style, TEAM SOPHIE?
In the words of TEAM SOPHIE: "I do have proper grammar, this is just for the aesthetics."
ITNOJ-SHB 😉
Every time I see her smile, I remember all the times I've hurt her.
I see the joy in her gaze turn to tears, shining and gleaming in her beautiful brown eyes
Because of me.
It's all because of me.
I see the glow of her face when she is
Happy
And I see the darkness and sorrow when she
Weeps,
As her golden hair falls on her normally radiant
Countenance
Now streaked with tears, and her
Brown eyes
Are dulled with the pain and the grief she feels
Because of me.
It's all because of me.
Every time I was blaming her for something that wasn't her fault, even though deep down
I love her,
Comes to my mind. All throughout my life I've been
Arrogant,
Bitter,
Conceited,
Dumb
To push her away when really after all these years she has kept me
Together.
And now it's too late- she has gone with
Him
And she is happier, even though I see perhaps a flicker of regret when she looks at me, but maybe I'm just hoping too hard. Maybe she's moved on,
Because of me.
It's all because of me.
They all hate me now. Every one of them who used to be my friend.
Of course
He
Does. He was my best friend. And for him to see me hurt the girl we knew each other loved so much- that fueled him to leave me behind
In the dust
And he swept her up in his heroic arms; the knight in shining armor saved the damsel in distress and gave her a shoulder to cry on
Just like in human books.
Her "best friend" turned stony silent, refusing to speak to me or look at me every time we pass by. He has never really liked me, and now he has a very good
Reason
Not to. He was always kind to her, her first real true friend. They were kidnapped together. And even though she never returned his
Feelings
For her- he was doomed to remain in the friend zone forever- he still cared about her as much as he could, and never let that stop him from being her
Friend.
The twins both turned against me too. For brother and sister as opposite as the halves of yin-yang
In human culture,
They both agreed that I was a despicable creature worth of nothing in this world.
The gentle one had only compassion for the moonlark. She poured all her compassion into her and left nothing for me but the flood of
Righteous anger.
The brooding one, who most understands how I feel- shunned for his inner and outer darkness by almost all- he did not try to reason out my thoughts
But his protectiveness over her caused him to shun me
Immediately.
My beautiful, lovely sister, whom I care for so greatly- she too sided against me. But I don't blame her.
While she too started out self centered, using her,
She found a real best friend in her, one unlike she ever had before. She is special to all of us, in different ways, but my sister especially loved her like the
Sister
She never got to have. So when I hurt her she turned and found her loyalties there, the right place, instead of by me, the wrong place. And I know she will never forgive.
Not this time.
Her parents- already heartbroken by their former loss- turn me away for hurting the one now their daughter. They love her
So much.
My parents are ashamed. Not for the first time. But this time is worse. This is the worst of all. I am not worthy of being a Vacker. I am not worthy of upholding the
Family name.
And of course, she hates me. How could she not? I wronged her, I hurt her so badly, that this time there is no way that I can ever be her friend again, even if I beg on my knees for
Forgiveness.
I think that once she loved me. Maybe I was wrong. But either way, this time was too much. If she did love me, it certainly wasn't strong enough to withstand the
Pain
Of what I did to her.
Everyone who used to care for me now despises me, including myself,
Because of me.
It's all because of me.
I thought I was a good elf. I thought that I was better than certain other people.
But my
Anger
Is my
Downfall.
How could I have gotten so mad as to
Yell at her so harshly,
To
Snap at her with my flaming tongue
And blame all my troubles on her, blame her
For
Doing something
Wrong
When she really didn't? How did I become
So filled with bitterness that I take it out on her when she comes looking for comfort- seeking out me in particular- from
A
Weary day
Filled with troubles? Am I that uncaring? I thought I love her. But
If I really love her, how can I
Do that
To her?
And now I'll never get a chance to say how
Sorry
I am. They won't let me near her. I'll never plead to her and grovel before her for her mercy. I'll
Never
Even be her
Friend
Ever again
Because of me.
It's all because of me.
And now I'm alone. All alone. I'm sitting in a
Chair in a white room
But it's not really white, is it? Because there are
Mirrors everywhere, shards across the floor all around me.
But are they mirrors? I don't see a reflection. I see a golden boy, perfect and flawless, the best of them all, the one whom they all love. But I'm not that. Maybe once I was. But now
I'm dirty, haggard,
Pieces of me scattered across the floor, that only I can see.
I broke her heart, and
Mine too, and now I'm all alone,
Because of me.
It's all because of me.
But, is it just now that I'm all alone? Maybe I was my whole life, and I just never saw it before. No one ever loved me,
Because of me.
It's all because of me.
The room is
Dark, but white at
The same time, and the mirrors are reflecting the facade,
The
Mask that I have been wearing my whole life. But I hear a sound.
A
Creak.
There's a door in
Here
Somewhere.
I think?
A beam of light is cast on the floor, the light
Bouncing off the glass and blinding my eyes for
A
Moment.
Do I hear something else?
Fitz . . .
It's only a whisper, but I know that voice.
But it can't be. I'm just imagining it.
You're not imagining it, Fitz. I'm really here.
Why am I hearing things? I long for her so much that I am conjuring her voice up in my head. She can't be here. Why would she come here?
Don't say that! You know that I- care about you.
My mind can't convince me. How can she care about me after what I did to her? And the catch in her voice- that was just my imagination on overdrive. I'm alone. Just as always.
Fitz, you're not alone. You're just . . . Lost. You need to come back.
How can I be lost? I've been sitting in this chair for a long time now. I haven't moved an inch. My head is making no sense to me.
Please, Fitz, trust me. All our friends are worried about you- everyone is. They want to see you.
Friends? What friends? I have no friends. How can I get my brain to stop lying to myself?
Of course you have friends! Me, Biana, Keefe, Dex, Tam, Linh- we're your friends!
Pfft. Really? None of them are my friends. None of them care about me. They all hate me. I bet Keefe would like nothing more than to stab my gut and leave me to rot in the dust.
But we do care-
Stop lying. Of course they don't care.
. . . At least your parents care about you. They're worried sick.
My parents never loved me, remember? I was always a failure to them. I was always failing.
Please, Fitz, you know that's not true! Let me help you find your way again. Then you'll see everything the way it is. Please. You've got to follow me.
I'm not going to let myself go crazy. I'm not going to listen to voices in my head.
I'm not just a voice, Fitz. I'm real. I'm here. You know who I am Fitz, don't you?
Should I listen? Maybe it's not just a voice . . .
I know to whom that beautiful voice belongs.
Tell me who I am, Fitz.
The voice belongs to-
I can't say her name. If I do, I'm afraid
That the guilt will break me
Just as I saw my dad succumb to it. I don't want to be broken, even if I am worthy of my guilt.
Fitz, please, say my name.
I can't!
Please, Fitz-
LEAVE ME ALONE!
I can't take this any longer. I'm talking to myself like a crazy man. My head is bowed, and my hands are clutching at my crown as I clenched my teeth.
. .
Silence.
But a final whisper.
I can't stay any longer, Fitz- I'm too weak. But I promise, I will do everything I can to help you. I'll leave you one last thing, and hopefully it will help you.
I wonder. I raise my head.
The warmth that I never noticed had come was suddenly gone and I was
Left
Alone again. But when I looked into the shards
I saw something different. I saw myself
Through her eyes. So she was really here. She had left me memories she had of me- she projected them into my head. But why?
So many images, everywhere I looked. But when I turned my gaze
Right between my feet there was a
Moving picture
Of something I never remembered happening.
I picked up the glass though it sliced through my skin and painted my hand red.
I saw myself collapsing? Where? Why? All that I couldn't figure out.
But as I held the shard, I could hear the screams. "Help! Someone help! . . .
. . . guilt!"
But- when did that happen? I don't remember this.
All
Where?
these
What?
thoughts
Why?
bouncing
Is
around
this
in
something
my
real?
head
And then I realize. I finally understand.
I fall to my knees on the ground, suddenly in a pitch black, empty room, and weep.
"Sophie."
B
R
O
K
E
N
(Because of me.
It's all because of me.)
{end poem}