The Cellblock Tango, Matrix Style!
By Kitsune-Chan
Author's notes: Apologies for any inconsistencies, I wrote this from
memory. Jue and Thaddeus are from "Final Flight of the Osiris," and Cis is
from "Program." Du Jour "the white rabbit girl" and Troy are from "Matrix
1." Ice and Kali (or is it Durga?) are other hovership captains. Fleur and
Narcissa are from "Harry Potter." Sadako is from "Ringu." "The Twins" could
be any set of twins (1&2, Weasley, Patil, Peredhil, Olsen, Fukumi & Fukuyu
from "Goldmember".) you want them to be. I own naught but the DVDs or books
and I seek naught but laughs. On with the show!
The Bandleader (Jason Locke): And now, the six merry murderesses of the
Zion Stockade and their rendition of... The Cellblock Tango...
Trinity: Pop!
Switch: Six...
Jue: Squish!
Du Jour: Uh-uh!
Persephone: Bellagio.
Niobe: Morpheus...
Trinity: Pop!
Switch: Six!
Jue: Squish!
Du Jour: Uh-uh!
Persephone: Bellagio!
Niobe: Morpheus!
All: He had it coming!
He had it coming!
He had it coming all along,
If you'd've been there,
If you'd've seen it,
Persephone: I bet'cha you would have done the same!
Pop six squish... (etc.)
Trinity (aggressively): You know how some people have these little annoying
habits that get'cha down? Like my boyfriend, Neo. Neo like to chew gum -
no, not chew, POP. So one day I come home practically dead and I'm real
irritated and I'm looking for some sympathy and he's sitting on the couch
drinking a beer and chewing his gum - no, not chewing, POPPING! So I says
to him "if you pop that gum one more time..." (sigh) And he did! So I
grabbed the EMP rifle off the wall and fired two warning blasts... in...
to... his... head!
All: He had it coming! ...
Switch (calmly): Apoc Young and I met at a little club two years ago. He
told me he was single and soon we were living together. It was a great
arrangement: He'd go to work, he'd come home, I'd fix him a drink, and we'd
eat dinner... And then one day I found out: Single he told me? Single my
@$$! It wasn't just that he was married, on no. He had six wives. One of
those Mormons, you know? So one day he comes home and I fix him his drink
as usual. You know what? Some men just can't hold their antifreeze!
All: He had it coming!
He had it coming!
He took a flower in its prime!
And then he used it,
And he abused it,
It was a murder
But not a crime!
Jue (heatedly): So I'm exercising in the Dojo, practicing with my katana,
when in storms my husband Thaddeus in a rage! "You've been screwing the
operator haven't you?!" He was crazy! He kept screaming, "You've been
screwing the operator!!" He was so worked up he ran into my sword. he ran
into my sword ten times!
All: Pop Six Squish etc...
Du Jour (nervously, in Hungarian): I loved my husband Troy very much. One
day he winds up murdered! The City police would never accuse me of murder,
how can the great Zion police accuse me of murder? I came here for freedom!
Councilor Harman, somebody, please help me! How can this be?!
Cis: Yeah, but did you do it?
Du Jour (in English): Uh-uh! Not guilty!
All: He had it coming...
Persephone (evenly, almost proudly): My sister Narcissa and I used to
travel all over the Matrix with my husband Mero, performing in clubs. For
our final act we did these twenty acrobatic moves: Back flips, flip-flops,
spread eagles, the works! One night we were all at the Hotel Bellagio,
boozing, having a couple laughs... I left the room to get some ice and when
I returned I found Narcissa and Mero doing number seventeen: the spread
eagle! Well, after that I just blacked out, I don't know what happened
next. It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands that
I even knew they were dead!
They had it coming!
They had it coming!
They had it coming all along!
I didn't do it, (She didn't do it!)
But if I'd done it (But if she'd done it)
How could you tell me that I was wrong? (tell her that she was wrong?)
Niobe (softly): I loved my boyfriend Morpheus more then I could say. He was
a real creative type, an artist. But he was always looking to find himself
and he would go out every evening trying to find himself, and along the
way, he found Fleur, Ice, Sadako, Kali. and the Twins. I guess you could
say we broke up due to artistic differences: he saw himself as alive, and I
saw him dead!
(Finale!) All: The dirty bum, bum, bum,
The dirty bum, bum, bum.
They had it coming! (They had it coming!)
They had it coming! (They had it coming!)
They only had themselves to blame (Themselves to blame!)
If you'd've been there, (You'd've been there!)
If you'de've seen it, (You'd've seen it!)
You know that you would have done the same! (You would have done the
same!).
Trinity: .If you pop that gum one more time...
Switch: .Single my @$$...
Jue: .He ran into my sword ten times...
Du Jour (in Hungarian): I came here for freedom...
Persephone: .Number fifteen, the spread eagle...
Niobe: .Artistic differences...
Trinity: Pop...
Switch: Six...
Jue: Squish...
Du Jour: Uh-uh...
Persephone: Bellagio...
Niobe: Morpheus...
(CLANG)
By Kitsune-Chan
Author's notes: Apologies for any inconsistencies, I wrote this from
memory. Jue and Thaddeus are from "Final Flight of the Osiris," and Cis is
from "Program." Du Jour "the white rabbit girl" and Troy are from "Matrix
1." Ice and Kali (or is it Durga?) are other hovership captains. Fleur and
Narcissa are from "Harry Potter." Sadako is from "Ringu." "The Twins" could
be any set of twins (1&2, Weasley, Patil, Peredhil, Olsen, Fukumi & Fukuyu
from "Goldmember".) you want them to be. I own naught but the DVDs or books
and I seek naught but laughs. On with the show!
The Bandleader (Jason Locke): And now, the six merry murderesses of the
Zion Stockade and their rendition of... The Cellblock Tango...
Trinity: Pop!
Switch: Six...
Jue: Squish!
Du Jour: Uh-uh!
Persephone: Bellagio.
Niobe: Morpheus...
Trinity: Pop!
Switch: Six!
Jue: Squish!
Du Jour: Uh-uh!
Persephone: Bellagio!
Niobe: Morpheus!
All: He had it coming!
He had it coming!
He had it coming all along,
If you'd've been there,
If you'd've seen it,
Persephone: I bet'cha you would have done the same!
Pop six squish... (etc.)
Trinity (aggressively): You know how some people have these little annoying
habits that get'cha down? Like my boyfriend, Neo. Neo like to chew gum -
no, not chew, POP. So one day I come home practically dead and I'm real
irritated and I'm looking for some sympathy and he's sitting on the couch
drinking a beer and chewing his gum - no, not chewing, POPPING! So I says
to him "if you pop that gum one more time..." (sigh) And he did! So I
grabbed the EMP rifle off the wall and fired two warning blasts... in...
to... his... head!
All: He had it coming! ...
Switch (calmly): Apoc Young and I met at a little club two years ago. He
told me he was single and soon we were living together. It was a great
arrangement: He'd go to work, he'd come home, I'd fix him a drink, and we'd
eat dinner... And then one day I found out: Single he told me? Single my
@$$! It wasn't just that he was married, on no. He had six wives. One of
those Mormons, you know? So one day he comes home and I fix him his drink
as usual. You know what? Some men just can't hold their antifreeze!
All: He had it coming!
He had it coming!
He took a flower in its prime!
And then he used it,
And he abused it,
It was a murder
But not a crime!
Jue (heatedly): So I'm exercising in the Dojo, practicing with my katana,
when in storms my husband Thaddeus in a rage! "You've been screwing the
operator haven't you?!" He was crazy! He kept screaming, "You've been
screwing the operator!!" He was so worked up he ran into my sword. he ran
into my sword ten times!
All: Pop Six Squish etc...
Du Jour (nervously, in Hungarian): I loved my husband Troy very much. One
day he winds up murdered! The City police would never accuse me of murder,
how can the great Zion police accuse me of murder? I came here for freedom!
Councilor Harman, somebody, please help me! How can this be?!
Cis: Yeah, but did you do it?
Du Jour (in English): Uh-uh! Not guilty!
All: He had it coming...
Persephone (evenly, almost proudly): My sister Narcissa and I used to
travel all over the Matrix with my husband Mero, performing in clubs. For
our final act we did these twenty acrobatic moves: Back flips, flip-flops,
spread eagles, the works! One night we were all at the Hotel Bellagio,
boozing, having a couple laughs... I left the room to get some ice and when
I returned I found Narcissa and Mero doing number seventeen: the spread
eagle! Well, after that I just blacked out, I don't know what happened
next. It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands that
I even knew they were dead!
They had it coming!
They had it coming!
They had it coming all along!
I didn't do it, (She didn't do it!)
But if I'd done it (But if she'd done it)
How could you tell me that I was wrong? (tell her that she was wrong?)
Niobe (softly): I loved my boyfriend Morpheus more then I could say. He was
a real creative type, an artist. But he was always looking to find himself
and he would go out every evening trying to find himself, and along the
way, he found Fleur, Ice, Sadako, Kali. and the Twins. I guess you could
say we broke up due to artistic differences: he saw himself as alive, and I
saw him dead!
(Finale!) All: The dirty bum, bum, bum,
The dirty bum, bum, bum.
They had it coming! (They had it coming!)
They had it coming! (They had it coming!)
They only had themselves to blame (Themselves to blame!)
If you'd've been there, (You'd've been there!)
If you'de've seen it, (You'd've seen it!)
You know that you would have done the same! (You would have done the
same!).
Trinity: .If you pop that gum one more time...
Switch: .Single my @$$...
Jue: .He ran into my sword ten times...
Du Jour (in Hungarian): I came here for freedom...
Persephone: .Number fifteen, the spread eagle...
Niobe: .Artistic differences...
Trinity: Pop...
Switch: Six...
Jue: Squish...
Du Jour: Uh-uh...
Persephone: Bellagio...
Niobe: Morpheus...
(CLANG)