Halo: 30 minutes or less
Comedy
Cortana stared off into the distance, searching for something in the area. The covenant war was over, truces had been struck and now John and the Arbiter had one goal in mind: Convince Cortana to let them buy a pizza. She had them on a fruit and salad diet for months and they were getting antsy.
"I killed Regret for THIS? Two slices of tomato and a kale smoothie?" said John, trying and failing to grab the arbiter's ham sandwich. This led to a brawl as both men went at each others throats with energy swords, while Cortana quietly broke the sandwich down into edible data. When Arbiter found out that it was gone, he called a truce with john and both of them searched every nook and cranny for cortana and the now missing ham sandwich. Meanwhile, Cortana had convinced two hunters to protect her, claiming the sandwich was really a long lost forerunner artifact. They stupidly believed her and took hold of the "Artifact". John and the Arbiter arrived to see one of the brutes holding his sandwich hostage. While the arbiter rained down hell in the distance, John radioed Foehammer for a Triple X All meat pizza with breadsticks and hotwings. "Um, we don't have that much ammo chief, You used the last of it killing Regret".
"Foehammer?"
"yes? I'm recycling the ammo pool now, we don't have enough-"
"A literal pizza, breadsticks and wings"
"oh, ok, that'll take an hour"
"You've got 30 minutes"
And so Foehammer was off, tracking down the fabled all meat combo,as every Domino's in the area had been obliterated, leaving one single Pizza hut, which was frequented by both sides. Pizza was so respected that it ended a 400 year war all by itself when Pizza hut begrudgingly decided to add Green olives to it's ingrediant list. Before said pizza could be eaten, a brute broke in and killed the Elites that placed the order...then stole the pizza. John found him stabbed to death by the arbiter, and the pizza was nowhere to be seen.
John looked back towards arbiter, the Brute had been smashed to paste and he was covered in the blood of Hunters, jackels and grunts. At long last, he reclaimed his sandwich, only to find that
it was missing pickles. Cortana giggled and Arbiter glared at her. Just then, Foehammer arrived.
"30 minutes my butt, i've got half the damn army on my ass"
"Foehammer, you forgot the breadsticks-"
"Shut up, i wasn't finished. I am now in deep debt to the mob because i had to pay for protection from
the flood, that cost me a pretty sum, then Johnson decided to act like an ass and shortchange the clerk, that cost me another hour, and THEN-"
John was hardly listening, he removed his helmet, revealing nothing underneath, and ate the pizza.
NO PIZZAS!" yelled cortana, but it fell on deaf ears.
John and the arbiter ate with relish even as gravemind loomed over Foehammer, demanding the remaining 99 pizzas. "Fuck you you overgrown plant, eat this!" she said as she fired a rocket into it's gullet. "Naughty girl" he said as Foehammer hauled ass, Gravemind and half the army on her tail.
Cortana picked up a transmission "That'll be $1,540, thanks". Cortana could feel herself being forcibly removed from her perch. "What the hell?" she said. "we made a trade, you work as his AI slave and we get the pizza free" said John, his voice giddy with glee. "You son of a bitc-" cortana screamed as she blinked out of existence.
"oh my god, this can't be happening!" said John
"What?" asked Arbiter
"We're out of Ranch! and Breadsticks!"
Arbiter turned around and screamed "FOEHAMMER!"
end