a life worth living

So, yeah. I can't say I'm entirely on board with the ending to Spooks. Personally still think that the whole thing would have felt more complete by Harry leaving (and preferably with a happy ending, too – think they/we deserved that much!), but hey, I'm not the writer. And, well, the way it ended is the way it ended. I'm sure I'll get over it someday (although I'm still not over the Father Clifford/Assumpta thing from Ballykissangel, so who knows when this will happen!). In the meantime, one fic from me that deals with the reality. Likely the only inspiration I'm going to have from the real ending. Probably if I write more I'll go with the AU; what can I say? I'm a sucker for a happy ending.

XxX

In the fleeting final moments between life and death, she wonders if it has all been worthwhile. If (she'll pretend for him, anyway, that it's not a foregone conclusion), she dies today, would she have any regrets?

It's not the first time she's thought this. It's not the first time she's thought this while looking into his eyes, about to leave. Only last time, it was more of a metaphorical death. By leaving everything behind her, she thought she'd died that time. If only she'd know then how little she had. She'd seen this same sense of desperation and loss in his eyes then. Only that time, they'd both known it wasn't real. That there was a life to be lived by both of them afterwards.

This time. Maybe the emergency helicopter will come. Maybe some miracle will occur and this won't really be the end. She's happy to pretend this for him. But she knows. She knows.

And all she can think of is the life they never quite had. The cottage with the peeling green door, and him sitting in the study, although what he'd need a study for, she never quite figured out. She sees a blue and white checked sofa where he sits and reads the paper and she reads the classics. A cat. Their lives intertwining as part of something much more than being the closest of colleagues. She sees him there, being a part of this life that they were finally going to share.

As her eyes start to close, she focuses on the feel of his hand, his warmth. She can feel that, and it keeps her focussed for a while longer. The pain starts to fade away.

It reminds her of other times his skin has touched hers, and the spark of electricity she's always felt. Now, she only feels desperation. And she starts to feel acceptance. Hers. Not his. Never his.

Does have any regrets?

She has so few. And so many.

She's been loved. And she's loved. More desperately than most people have in their whole lives. She's had friends and lovers and a family and a job that has saved lives. A life worth living. And yet, it's been a small life, one of so much loss, and sacrifice, and heartache.

Dying will change none of this. But she doesn't have the luxury of that choice. She is convinced of this now. And she can see in his eyes that he knows this too.

If she had the energy, she'd cry right about now. This was never a life they were supposed to have, maybe, but it was a life she so desperately wanted. It was a life she *could* have had. She doesn't want to leave him.

She thinks of the times, so many times, when she could have had so much more. Not just this compromise she chose of being the person he could count on. She feels the ridiculousness of her choices so deeply.

But now is not the time for regrets; there's not enough time. The pain has gone, she starts to only feel numbness as she tells him about the cottage and the life they were going to have and she can see it now. She can see the kitchen that she had so many plans for, the garden they would sit out in together in the summer, complete with a metal table and chairs that don't exist in real life.

She can see their house, complete with all their belongings and full of life.

She looks in his eyes one last time. She knows this is the end and she has to accept the unfairness of it all. She knows that she is loved and will be missed, she hopes he knows that too; that he knows how much.

And as she drifts away, she thinks of their house, of so many lost friends she hopes to see again, and him. And she starts to believe in an afterlife where one day, they'll finally have the chance to be together for eternity.

And then, it is over, and there is only him.

XxX

Fin.