A.N.: Takes place shortly after 2x13 Land of the Lost
Specters of the Mind
By DarkestSight
Jax woke up with a pounding heart and lingering memories of being pursued through darkened corridors of the Waverider, going around and around in endless circles unable to escape or hide from the figure hunting him or the sound of their mocking voice.
A loud groan escaped him as he sat up in bed and placed his head in his hands.
"Not again."
He sat there for several moments waiting for his heart to slow. It did eventually but the feelings that had accompanied his dream, the fear and helplessness refused to fade.
Knowing it would be awhile before they did, Jax swung his legs over the side of his bed and called out, "Lights, Gideon."
The lights turned on, brightening slowly to reveal the perpetually messy room that served as Jax's quarters aboard the ship.
Jax got up and crossed the room, stepping over the piles of dirty clothes as he made his way over to the tool box parked at the ready beside the door.
"You haven't acquired the recommended hours of sleep," called a voice from above.
"I know that Gideon," Jax replied tiredly, "but there's not much I can do about that."
"Would you like a sedative?" the A.I. asked.
Jax rolled his eyes. "How many times do I have to tell you...?" It was like a running gag. He had never heard Gideon offer anyone else a sedative but she enthusiastically offered him one at every opportunity. Before joining the Legends, he could never have imagined an A.I. having a sense of humour but that was before he met Gideon.
"It would be advisable to get more sleep," said Gideon, a touch of concern in her voice. "Humans need an average of eight hours for proper physical and mental health."
"What I need right now is to do a little therapeutic tinkering." Jax did a quick survey of the contents of his toolbox, then closed the lid and hoisted it up. "That starboard thruster still misbehaving?"
"The starboard thruster's efficiency is now down to seventy-six percent."
"Well, let's see if I can't get it back up to a hundred."
Jax hit the switch besides the door and it slid open.
The lighting in the corridor outside his quarters had been dimmed as the ship was currently in night mode, an attempt to maintain the team's circadian rhythms though considering how many night owls there were among them it made very little difference to the crew.
Jax hesitated, just a second, upon being greeted by the darkened hallway but then he took a deep breath and headed for the engine room, fighting the feeling he was being followed the entire way.
After a year living onboard the Waverider, the engine room in many ways had become Jax's. He had gone over it so many times he felt he knew every tiny part of it. No one but Rip knew it better. The place had even become a type of refuge. The others tended to avoid it unless there was too much repair work for Jax to do on his own, so whenever he wanted some time alone to think, he went there.
Jax went over to the interface for the starboard thruster, opened his toolbox, and got to work. The thruster's issue wasn't dire. It really just needed a little fine tuning but it was enough to keep him occupied. His mind became solely focused on solving the problem in front of him and he felt himself start to relax, the residual echoes of the dream fading as he fell into the rhythm of the work. He was so focused he lost complete awareness of his surroundings.
The hand that fell on Jax's shoulder was so unexpected it sent a jolt of adrenaline through every nerve in his body.
He jumped and swung around. When he saw who was standing behind him, his eyes widened and he flinched taking a stumbling step back and almost tripping over his toolbox as he tried to escape the figure of his nightmares.
Only then did his mind catch up with him.
"Rip..." he said, a hand clutching his heaving chest in an effort to calm his heart's frantic pace. "You..."
Rip was standing as if frozen, the hand that had touched Jax's shoulder still held out in front of him as if he'd forgotten it was there, a pained expression marring his face.
"You really shouldn't sneak up on people like that," Jax finished, once he had caught his breath.
"Sorry," said Rip, finally letting his hand fall and taking a step back. "I called out but you must have been too engrossed in your work to hear."
"Yeah, I guess got a bit wrapped up in things," Jax admitted.
He looked Rip over. Like Jax, the former captain was in his nightclothes and his hair had a slightly dishevelled look about it as if he too had recently been roused from sleep, but what drew Jax's attention was the paleness of his face and the red rims around his eyes.
"I saw you were up and I, uh, just wanted to see if you were alright or needed a hand with anything." Rip rubbed his hands together as he spoke, his eyes flicking to the side instead of meeting Jax's.
The hesitancy in Rip's voice was painful for Jax to hear, a sharp contrast to the confident captain of before. It made him wince.
Rip must have seen this and misinterpreted because he immediately began making his exit. "But clearly I am disturbing you," he said as he backed away. "I will leave you to..." He waved his hand at the interface Jax had been working on and turned to go.
"Wait," Jax called out.
Rip stopped and slowly turned back around.
"You're not disturbing me," said Jax. "Really. I was just tuning the starboard thruster. Thought I'd see if I could get the damn thing to behave."
Rip's lips twitched in a tiny imitation of a smile. "That starboard thruster has been the bane of my existence for countless years. No matter what I do, it always seems to need twice as much attention as any other part of the ship."
Jax gave chuckle. "Tell me about it. I just gave it a tune up a few weeks ago."
The two shared looks of weary exasperation.
"It seems a bit late to be doing repair work though," Rip observed.
"Yeah," said Jax, "I couldn't sleep."
Rip's face darkened, his forehead furrowing. "Nightmares?"
Jax hesitated, not wanting to worry Rip but not wanting to lie to him either. Finally, he nodded praying Rip would leave the matter alone but his hopes were dashed.
"Nightmares about me," Rip said, bitterly.
"No, no," said Jax, desperately trying to deny it. "Why would you—"
Rip put up a hand stopping him. "I... I saw the look on your face when you first saw me." He swallowed. "You weren't just startled. You were terrified." He bowed his head and cast his gaze to the floor. "Terrified of me."
"It was just a nightmare," Jax protested.
"A nightmare based very much on reality," Rip countered. "A reality I created." He became more and more agitated as he spoke, his hands gesturing wildly. "I shot at you, hounded you throughout the ship, used my knowledge against you, forced you to witness..." He trailed off.
A shiver crawled down Jax's spine. He knew exactly what Rip couldn't put words to, the moment he had been forced to witness. It was a moment that still haunted him, a moment where he'd never felt more helpless. He had watched one friend take the life of another and he had just stood there unable to do anything to stop it.
"I can't blame you for being scared of me or even hating me," Rip continued, his voice cracking. "What I did to you... There's nothing I can do to take it away, to make it right, and I don't expect you to forgive me, but I am sorry." Tears glinted in his eyes as he gazed at Jax. "I'm so sorry, Jefferson."
The guilt and pain on Rip's face was more than Jax ever wanted to witness and suddenly something in him snapped, the lingering fear of his nightmare lost as it was replaced by anger.
"Don't you dare," said Jax, shaking his head as he took a step towards Rip. "Don't you dare, apologize."
It was Rip's turn to be startled. For a moment, he looked like he wanted to bolt. As a precaution, Jax took another step forward and grabbed the older man by his shoulders so he couldn't escape.
"You are not taking the blame for this," Jax said, firmly. "This is not your fault.
Rip gazed at him wide-eyed.
"It was the Legion that did this. They're the ones who fucked with your mind and made you do those things. What happened to me and Sara, my nightmares, that's all on them, not you. You hear me?"
Dumbstruck, Rip nodded.
Jax rolled his eyes. "Man, you're an idiot sometimes," he said and wrapped his arms around Rip in a hug.
Rip's body went stiff at first but then he tentatively placed his arms around Jax and hugged him back.
"I'm so—" Rip began but Jax cut him off.
"What did I say about apologizing?" Jax gave him a final squeeze and then let him go. "Did I mention how glad I am you're back? We were pretty worried when you were gone."
"Well, I... uh..." Rip rubbed the back of his neck, his cheeks flushing slightly.
Jax bit his lip as he tried not to laugh. The guy's inability to deal with any show of affection was hilarious and at the same time somewhat heartbreaking. They seriously needed to do something about that.
"What are you doing up so late anyway?" he asked.
"I couldn't sleep," Rip admitted with a shrug, echoing Jax's earlier words.
"Nightmares?"
Eyes gazing at the floor, Rip nodded.
Jax gestured at the thruster interface behind him. "Want to give me a hand? You are the expert and like you said that starboard thruster is one big pain in the ass."
Rip gave a tiny, crooked smile. "I would be delighted."
The two headed over to the interface.
"Hey," Jax said as they began to work. "Does Gideon keep trying to force sedatives on you whenever you can't sleep or am I the only one?"
"Hmm?" Rip replied, his hands deep inside interface's circuits. "Oh, she used to but she knows it won't work so now she usually just puts them in my food. One memorable time she even gassed me."
Jax raised his eyebrows. "Seriously?"
"Take it as a sign she likes you," said Rip. "She's a bit of a mother hen actually. You have to..."
Tiny sparks shot out of the interface and Rip yanked his hands out with a yelp.
"You have to be really careful what you say about her when you have your hands inside the ship's inner workings," Rip concluded as he waved his singed fingers in the air.
Grinning, Jax slapped a hand on Rip's shoulder. "I really am glad you're back."