Title: Live Free Or Dionysus
Word Count: 900
Rating: K+
Characters/pairings: Dionysus and the rest of the Olympians.
Summary: In which Dionysus is done with his sentence at Camp Half-Blood, the Olympians bicker, and Demeter launches Shredded Wheat.
Author's Notes: Okay, so this is sort of crack!fic, but not quite crack-y enough to be genuine crack. If that makes any sense. Written for Dionysus + Zeus: poker face at the pjo_fic_battle on Livejournal. Un-beta'd.
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"This is really quite tiresome, you know," Dionysus complained, shoving a squeaking trumpet away from his ear.
The throne room of Olympus was, as Apollo would've put it, decked out—or, as Dionysus would've put it, tiresome. Shimmering fabric was hung around the perimeter, and trumpeters did their best to give a fanfare for the guest of honor: the wine god himself.
Zeus cleared his throat. "Today we are pleased to honor my son"—Hera coughed noisily at this—"Dionysus. He has now completed his job as head of Camp Half-Blood, at which he served faithfully and diligently. It was an undertaking worthy of myself, even." Here, someone coughed again, but Zeus was not fazed. "It gives me great pleasure to announce that he is now free to go wherever he pleases and do whatever he pleases." At the silence, he looked around the room expectantly until Aphrodite started clapping and the rest followed her lead. Zeus leaned back on his throne and beamed.
"Yes, well, it's quite an honor," said Dionysus drily, standing on the carpet in the middle of the throne room next to Hestia and her hearth. He reached out, plucked a glass of red wine from nowhere, and drained it. He motioned for Ganymede to come forward and then set the empty glass on the cupbearer's tray. He glanced up at Zeus with a bored expression.
"Hey, Wine Wimp," Ares called. "How 'bout a speech?" He tossed a cocky look to Aphrodite, who giggled and fanned her face.
Dionysus was unamused. "Hmm. Whatever," he monotoned. "That's one thing I learned from spending so much time with these children. Nice word, isn't it?" He rolled his eyes. "I also learned that once you live across the hall from a snoring centaur, you will never sleep well again. And...you children aren't as bratty as I once believed. Anything else you want me to say?"
"Yeah!" jeered Ares. "Say, 'I stink worse than pegasus manure!'"
"Yes, you do," said Dionysus and turned to Poseidon, who was stroking his beard. "And what is bothering you, uncle?"
Poseidon frowned. "It has struck me...who will replace Dionysus at Camp Half-Blood?"
Zeus wrinkled his forehead. "Your question is valid, brother. Who indeed?"
Ares spoke up again. "Can we bring Tantalus back? I always liked him."
Hades, perched on his temporary throne, shook his head. "No. As much as I'd love to be rid of the old fool, he has 174 more years on his lease in the Fields of Punishment. I can't send him elsewhere until it's up, or his lawyers will go crazy on me again. Although—I do have a suggestion for the new head of camp. This woman is obviously itching for more things to do, evidenced by all the time she spends loitering around my kingdom, and she's highly qualified to deal with difficult children. Demeter is surely the perfect choice." He looked very proud of himself.
Across the room, Demeter gasped. "You wouldn't," she rasped, and a storm of pebbles of Shredded Wheat launched themselves at Hades. He growled and batted them away.
All the other Olympians were squabbling amongst themselves by now. Frustrated, Athena sighed. "Enough," she commanded, and they stopped.
Athena continued. "What we need is someone who doesn't play favorites, someone who is calm, and someone who isn't full of him- or herself. Who here fits those characteristics?"
"Don't look at me," Apollo said, his hands up in a "what-do-you-do" gesture. "I'm extremely full of myself."
"And I have my Hunters to tend to," Artemis said.
"This is going nowhere," Athena decided. "I, too, have duties that would not permit me to serve at Camp Half-Blood." The room was silent for a moment.
Zeus and Dionysus were staring at each other. "Hmm." Zeus squinted. "Dionysus," he said, "my son. Would you be willing to continue at your post as head of camp?"
Dionysus kept a poker face.
"Well?" Zeus prompted.
Dionysus grunter. "Well, it wouldn't be as bad as listening to you whiny lot all day long. And I heard the job market's not too great right now. A bird in hand is worth two in the bush, I always say."
The other Olympians were too surprised to say anything, even about the poorly masked insult, except Artemis. "But I came up with that." She frowned. Dionysus ignored her.
"Does that mean you'll do it?" Hermes asked.
The wine god hmphed again. "There are conditions. First: no more of this drying-out business. It's absolutely idiotic. I'm the wine god, for Zeus's sake!" (Zeus frowned.) "Second: I'll have vacations every now and then. I can't be with your brat children all the time." Everyone nodded. "And third—" He glanced behind him to the throne room entrance, where a beautiful woman in a white dress stood. "Ariadne comes, too. If she wants."
Ariadne smiled, walking steadily toward Dionysus. She kissed him on the cheek. "I would be happy to follow you anywhere," she said, and the gods could've sworn they saw a smile on his face.
"Thank you, my love," he murmured, and straightened, facing Zeus again. "Father. If you agree to these conditions, I will return to Camp Half-Blood."
Zeus looked to Hades and Poseidon, who nodded. "I agree," he pronounced.
Dionysus put his arm around Ariadne. "You know, dear, camp isn't actually so bad. In fact, there's this old horse I think you should meet."