There is Nothing Left
A Destiel Tragedy
Written by OpheliacAngel
Song featured is Lupe Fiasco's "Words I Never Said"
It's so loud inside my head
With words that I should have said
As I drown in my regrets
I can't take back
The words I never said
It was all a replay. A replay he didn't want. It was the life draining out of his eyes, the blood once pulsing but resorted to only flowing. A waterfall that was so wrong, that shouldn't have been there in the first place. He died that day and it was the worst pain he had ever felt. He had drowned, was still drowning and he deserved this. His heart and soul died and that was far worse than the body dying. There was nothing worse than love being ripped away out of your fingers. He retraced his steps, looked back to see what he did wrong. He did everything wrong, he said everything wrong. He loved wrong and he could never take it back.
He had been buried because it's what his brother wanted. And in a way it was what he wanted. The dirt was thrown on love but never on regrets or guilt. Loss couldn't be buried. Love could only be grieved over. He didn't love right and he felt the pain that night as he sunk lower into humanity. He drank, he dabbled in drugs, he burned and cut himself and wanted to break his face. But he knew it would never be enough. The memories and regrets would kill him soon enough. All he had to do was exist and pray for a long and painful death. Cause he deserved it and he was scared to admit it.
Why are you really helping us, Cas?
Isn't it obvious?
Not really.
Know that everything I do Dean, I do it for you.
Yeah whatever. Let's just get this over with.
I love you.
What? Did you say something?
I said we should hurry.
And they did hurry. And look at what it got him. An afterlife in a box rotting like a zombie and growing colder and colder. He wanted to be in that box with him. Wanted to be in there to keep him warm. He never wanted to leave. Everything he had ever done he did it for that one mysterious and beautiful hunter. The human who took his breath and heart away and never gave it back. He wondered if he would feel worse if his lover had known his love for him. But no, he doubted he could feel worse than this. He had lied to his face when he had deserved to know and that was worst of all. Words hurt. But words that were never said killed.
I'm sorry, Dean. I'm so sorry. I should have protected you. I should have told you I love you.
There had been so much going against him. Dean was straight and angels weren't supposed to feel any emotions let alone love. And he couldn't even imagine a world where Dean could ever love him back. He wasn't good enough. How could a hunter love an angel? His love had only grown stronger, and it reached his bursting point when Dean left to stay with Lisa. He had expected for Dean to call out to him, to tell him to come back to earth and stay with him. But no words were ever spoken and he had blamed that on him. But it was his fault. He should have gone to Dean. When they reunited he should have said those words to Dean. But he had let them die on his tongue and his doubt paired with Dean's stubbornness had been the death of both of them.
But even if he didn't say he loved that hunter, he should have let him know how beautiful he truly was to him. How his soul spoke to him and how his eyes made him never ever want to look away.
The silence was killing him more than anything. He'd give anything to get revenge, to just be out there fighting beside Dean, and if not that fighting for Dean. But there was nothing to do but lie there and kill himself slowly. There was nothing to do but cry and cut and listen to the constant screams in his head of the million words that he could have said. But never did. He was drowning in those screams and he prayed for the sweet and gorgeous pain because he deserved it. He deserved to suffer for what he had put his hunter through.
And the memories came flooding back to haunt him.
Sam?
What is it, Cas?
There are things that need to be said.
Go on.
I do not know how to say them.
What is this about, Castiel?
It's something that I have felt for a long time.
Should Dean be here?
The words are for your brother. But I don't know how to say them.
Well, maybe I can help.
Sam I… I can't. I apologize if I have interrupted you.
How could a human ever love an angel in return? More importantly, how could a human such as Dean ever love an angel such as Castiel?
There had been so many times he had wanted to say it. So many opportunities and he never took a single one of them. He had been scared, so scared and now he had no one to blame but himself. There was nothing to take back because he had never said anything, never done anything. Never been more than a dick to Dean Winchester.
I love you, Dean! Do you hear me? I love you and I hate myself for it! I don't care if you love me back, it doesn't matter! I love you Dean Winchester and I'm not afraid to say it anymore!
He killed himself the only way he knew how. Except this time, he was going to be there for Dean. He sunk under the dirt and lifted the lid up, shutting it again quickly. And the angel Castiel curled up to his hunter's ice cold body and stayed there for all eternity.
He didn't have the guts to shut his hazel eyes, so he gazed into them in the cool darkness. The darkness that was theirs and enveloped them protectively, much as Castiel was cradling Dean protectively now. He thought of a life that could have been but never was. He thought what Dean could have had but had never been given because of him. He screamed and he sunk back down next to his hunter. This was his punishment. And this was the last ounce of solace he could give to his beloved hunter. The hunter that could have been his.
Dean wait, I love you.
I know, Cas.
You do?
Yeah. I know cause I love you too. Don't cry, Cas. Why are you crying?
Because you are so perfect. And so beautiful.
You're mine, Castiel. And I'm yours.
If only. If only he had said those three little words. Everything would have changed.
Because there was nothing left. Nothing left but this.
I think that all the silence is worse than all the violence
Fear is such a weak emotion, that's why I despise it
We're scared of almost everything, afraid to even tell the truth
So scared of what you think of me, I'm scared of even telling you
Sometimes I'm like the only person I feel safe to tell it to
I'm locked inside a cell in me, I know that there's a jail in you
Consider this your bailing out, so take a breath inhale a few
My screams is finally getting free, my thoughts is finally yelling through!
-Words I Never Said by Lupe Fiasco
FIN