Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. Writing this I was glad I don't, all the way through. I don't own the music mentioned either: "Sisters of Mercy", Leonard Cohen.
A/N:
I had to let this out, it is really just an emotion I had to put into words, it was tearing too much at me.
Yes I am feeling desperate and small today, have for a part of the day at least.
Worst of all, this was trying to creep into my next chapter of Cinematic Hero, and frankly it has no business being there, so I had to write and post it as what it is, an expression of intense dread, desperation and pain; emotional pain more than anything.
Talk of rape. PLEASE don't read if it might trigger you.
Soothing Song
„….noNoNONONONONONO! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE DID TO ME. He is all under my skin. I cannot feel me anymore. I want to tear my skin open and rip out what he put there of himself and even that I can't. He is there. All the time. He has ripped out a part of me and replaced it with himself. He has reduced me to a memory I am carrying around with myself...together with a memory of him. I am the smaller memory of the two and he, he is everywhere."
"I can…"
"If you say you can relate I swear I am going to punch you."
But Blaine is exhausted and cannot think of anything to say anymore. "Kurt."
"What?"
Blaine stays quiet the fraction of a second too long.
"What Blaine? WHAT?" Kurt is shouting again.
"I don't want this to ever have happened to you."
"Well it did." Kurt is actually beginning to sound small now after almost an hour filled with this screaming match.
"I don't know what to do to make it better," Blaine says tears streaming down his face, and he begins to sob when Kurt replies in a cold voice, unknown to Blaine full of the desperation for warmth that Kurt would be able to convince himself is not just a change in temperature, "That is because there is nothing You can do. It happened to Me. I need to learn to live with it. I am sick of people telling me it will get better, because there is nothing to get better from. It is not like I have a cold. I was raped Blaine. DAMN IT! RAPED!"
And now Kurt is collapsing onto the floor in tears, and Blaine kneels down next to him instantly, still in tears himself.
"May I hold you, Love? Please?"
Touches, loving touches always used to make everything better between them, and now that has not been taken from Kurt alone, but Blaine as well.
As crowded as his mind is with pain Kurt remembers, knows that; and part of him wants nothing more than to replace what he feels of that other man with lovefilled memories of Blaine, so he sobs out a desperate "Yes."
It is a sound as pleading as Blaine's asking for permission.
And Blaine's light, gentle touch feels comforting, but it makes the contrast to the rough, tearing touches the other man's had been painfully sharp too.
Kurt cannot help tensing, knows it sends the wrong signals to Blaine and hates himself for it.
Hates himself for not being able to take a hold of his own thoughts enough to at least still his own body if not actually calm his own mind.
Blaine is about to pull back when Kurt wills himself to move further into the embrace.
Kurt places his right palm over Blaine's right hand as Blaine watches him move to rest his back against Blaine's chest; slowly, halting and taking deep breaths.
"Sing something, please," Kurt whispers, " I need to know it is you, your touch. No one sings like you."
Kurt takes hold of Blaine's left hand as well, intertwining fingers and wrapping their left arms around his own middle as Blaine begins to hum a melodie still searching for the words to the song in his own crowded mind.
Kurt intertwines the fingers on their right hands as well as he tries to remember the feel of love.
'I can do this,' Kurt thinks, 'I have done it before', found out that touches can be loving and gentle and not just pushes and punches filled with hate, filling Kurt himself with pain and disgust, hopelessness.
Kurt whispers to himself and Blaine "The touch of fingertips."
Then he places their right hands over his heart - putting light, comforting pressure on them - trying to concentrate on his and Blaine's breathing.
And as Blaine finds the first words Kurt finds himself holding on tighter to Blaine's hands, tears from both boys' eyes soon mixing with Kurt's sobs and Blaine's soothing song.
"Oh the sisters of mercy, they are not departed or gone.
They were waiting for me when I thought that I just can't go on.
And they brought me their comfort and later they brought me this song.
Oh yes I hope you run into them, you who've been travelling so long.
Yeah you who must leave everything that you cannot control.
It begins with your family, but soon it comes 'round to your soul.
Well I've been where you're hanging, I think I can see how you're pinned:
When you're not feeling holy or loneliness tells you you've sinned.
They lay down beside me, I made my confession to them.
They touched both my eyes and I touched the dew on their hem.
If your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn
they will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem.
When I left they were sleeping, I hope you run into them soon.
Don't turn on the lights, you can read their address by the moon.
And you won't make me jealous if I hear that they sweetened your night:
We weren't lovers like that and besides it would still be all right,
We weren't lovers like that and besides it would still be all right."