A/N This story is a follow-up to a recent fic I posted called "Does Mac Love Her Enough To Commit." I wasn't sure whether to post this as a second chapter to that story or to just post it as its own story. It can really be read without having read the first story, so I decided to post it on its own. I hope people like it. I still struggle with insecurities surrounding my creative writing endeavors and reviews are greatly appreciated. I would especially appreciate any constructive criticism that people may have. I read other stories and am constantly amazed at the images and emotions people conjure up with just a few words. I tend to feel like my stories are too dialogue heavy, but I don't seem to be able to get away from that style. Anyway, I hope people enjoy.
Disclaimer: I do not own CSI:NY or any of its characters. This was just for fun and no profit was or will be received.
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In the few months since Peyton had left the M.E.'s office and moved back to England, Mac and Stella had gotten into the habit of spending time together two and sometimes three evenings a week after shift. They did various things during this time, although more often than not they would just go to dinner and talk – sometimes even talking half the night away. They never seemed to run out of things to talk about, discuss or debate. Although they had always been close, over these last few months they had gotten even closer.
This particular night, Stella was sitting in Mac's office waiting for him to finish up his phone call with the District Attorney's office. Stella always marveled at how well Mac was able to handle all the political nonsense he had to deal with in his job as supervisor of their department. She could see that the current conversation was agitating him, but he still managed to convey an aura of calm command to the person on the other end of the phone. Stella envied that ability. Some people thought that Mac was just not a particularly passionate person, but Stella knew Mac could be very passionate when he got worked up enough – it just took him longer under most circumstances to get to the point where he lost control than it took most people including (maybe especially) herself.
When Mac got off the phone, he sighed deeply and rubbed his hands across his face. Stella just watched and waited for him to come back to himself. He finally looked up at her with the ghost of a smile on his face and greeted her. She smiled sympathetically back at him and asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk about.
"Not right now, Stella. Maybe at dinner," he said tiredly.
"Okay. So where are we going to dinner?" She asked lightly.
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While waiting for their meals, Mac told Stella about his conversation with the D.A. As he was talking with Stella, he reflected on how nice it was to be able to vent his feelings to someone who could really relate to his frustrations and concerns.
"I think the matter is resolved for now," he concluded. He then continued speaking saying, "Enough about work, are you free on Saturday, Stella? I have two tickets to see "Wicked." Peyton and I had ordered them before we broke up. Would you be interested in going with me?"
Stella gave a small grimace saying disappointedly, "I've wanted to see that show forever Mac, but I can't make it this Saturday." She hesitated, took a deep breath and glanced away from him before bringing her eyes back to his face and saying hesitantly, "I have a date." Stella wasn't sure why it was so awkward for her to say that. She and Mac had been spending time together, but they weren't dating so he should be okay with it. It just somehow felt like she was betraying him by moving on with her social life now. But, that was silly. She was just projecting her own feelings -- long harbored feelings for Mac that went beyond friendship. Stella, while very comfortable with who she was, knew she was more volatile and more emotional than Mac was comfortable with and, although it pained her, it seemed friendship worked best for them. Even knowing all that, it had still been hard for her when he started dating Peyton. Seeing how happy Mac was with Peyton, a woman who is very different from Stella, was when Stella had truly come to realize that he would never consider her in that light and had determined to move on and try to meet someone she could call her own.
Mac was surprised to hear that Stella had a date and was even more surprised that it gave him a stab of jealousy. Certainly, it wasn't because he was interested in Stella. True they had been spending a lot of time together lately and he would miss her company --inevitably as she got closer to this other man, she would have less time to spend with him -- but it wasn't fair to Stella to think like that. So, like a good friend, he smiled and asked her about this guy. While she was talking about him and how they had met a few times over the last couple of weeks and how she really liked him, Mac kept half his mind on what she was saying and with the other half he silently contemplated why he was so unsettled by her impending date.
When Stella finished talking, Mac told Stella that her date sounded like a good guy and magnanimously offered her the tickets to "Wicked." She adamantly refused and suggested he take Reed or someone else. "Maybe you could even take one of the guys from the lab with you," she suggested.
"Can you honestly imagine me asking Danny or Flack?" he asked with a slight smirk as he imagined Flack's reaction to being asked by Mac to see a musical – just the two of them.
Stella rolled her eyes as she responded, "What is it with men? Why is it that Lindsay and I could easily go together without it being awkward but you can't go with any of the guys?"
"In part because I am their boss but, even if I weren't, it would just be . . ." waving his hand in the air as if searching for the right word," weird," he concluded somewhat lamely.
"Very articulate there, Mac." Stella snarked.
"Thanks," he said in a mildly amused tone acknowledging her sarcastic tone before continuing sincerely, "but asking Reed is a good idea. Maybe I will do that."
"Good. Well it is getting late. We should probably get going. I have to be up early – can't be late or my boss'll be mad." She said with a smile.
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Mac paused outside of Stella's door with his hand raised. He had spent the last couple of days thinking about Stella and her date tonight and he wanted to talk to her, he just couldn't quite bring himself to knock. He started to turn away but, gathering his courage, he raised his hand and knocked quickly so he couldn't change his mind.
He could see the surprise on Stella's face as she opened the door. She was partially ready for her date – her hair looked great, as did her make-up, but she was still in her robe, obviously having left getting dressed till last. "Hey, Mac. To what do I owe this honor? I thought you were going to see Wicked tonight."
"I gave the tickets to Reed. He had a new girl he wanted to impress." Mac said with a quick smile. "And, I wanted to talk to you about something."
"Well, I kind of guessed that much Mac, when you showed up at my door," she said with a slight hint of humor in her voice. "I take it this is important, but I don't have much time to talk. I have to get ready," she continued.
"I know, but this is something I felt couldn't wait."
"Okay." Stella said stepping back from the door and inviting him in with a tilt of her head.
"So . . ." Mac suddenly felt intensely awkward and shy. He looked everywhere but at Stella.
"So . . . ?" she prodded him.
Mac rubbed his hand across the back of his neck and took a deep breath. "Look, Stella I have been thinking about something ever since you told me about your date tonight. I . . .well, my reaction . . .well, I was jealous." He finally managed to stammer out as his face reddened slightly.
Stella gaped at him, shocked at what he had just said. An uncomfortable silence hung in the air until, fumbling for words, Stella finally managed to say, "Look Mac, we have been spending a lot of time together and its natural that it would be hard to see the other start to date. This isn't about being jealous of me. You are just afraid to lose the closeness we have achieved and you are afraid of being alone, but we will still see each other and you won't be alone. You know you mean too much to me to let what we have slip away."
Relieved to have finally started the conversation, Mac was much more articulate going forward, "No, Stella that isn't it. When you first mentioned your date, I was hit with a wave of intense jealousy and I haven't been able to think about anything else outside of work. I couldn't figure out why the thought of you with someone else bothered me at first, but I finally came to realize that my feelings for you go beyond friendship. It isn't because I am afraid we are going to drift apart -- although I would hate that -- and it isn't that I am worried about being alone again. It is because I am jealous of him and the time he will spend with you and the side of you he will see that I don't get to see."
"Mac," Stella tried to interrupt, but Mac overrode her and continued with a hint of agitation in his voice, "Just listen, Stella. I am jealous because I want to be with you. The more I thought about it the more I realized it was true. You are part of the reason Peyton and I didn't work out; couldn't work out. I thought Peyton was being irrational the few times she brought up my closeness to you and wondered if she should worry, but she wasn't wrong. There is something there. I just wouldn't let myself think that way because I was afraid to lose what we have – afraid you wouldn't feel the same way." After taking a deep breath, he said more quietly, "The truth is I have been falling for you for a long time."
"No, Mac. You don't mean that. We have known each other for ages. This isn't you." Stella said gently. The rejection of what he was saying clearly on her face.
"Stella, I know what I mean and I know what I want and I want you – I want to be with you." He couldn't make it any plainer, but from her expression he knew she didn't accept what he was saying.
She began to pace in front of Mac -- her discomfort becoming more and more evident. "Why come to me now of all times? You have known me for years and all of a sudden you have these feelings for me that you just never happened to notice? And you have to tell me about them an hour before I have a date with a man that I really like?" Her voice had risen as she spoke so that she was almost, but not quite, shouting at him in her frustration.
In an effort to convince her, Mac reached for her hands to still her movements so he could look her directly in the eye as he said, "I know it took me a long time to figure it out, but I think I just ignored my feelings because I was so afraid to lose what we have. What we share is more important to me than I can say. You have been my best friend, my rock for so long. Spending all this time with you recently just intensified the connection I feel to you. Now that I have acknowledged these feelings, I know that it is worth the risk because I really believe that we could be great together and I also believe that even if it doesn't work, our friendship is strong enough to survive." He was pleading now.
Stella shook her head and pulled her hands away. "No, Mac. I am not going to get into this with you. We are friends. You don't really want anything more than that. You'll regret this by next week. We are very different people. We would drive each other crazy."
"Stella, we aren't that different -- not in essential beliefs and values. And in the rest we balance each other out. You help pull me out of myself and see that life isn't all about science and intellect and force me to interact with the world in ways that I never would on my own. And I"
"You help me temper my emotions. And think things through before going off half-cocked." Stella interjected with a rueful smile as she wrapped her arms around her middle in a self-protective gesture.
"Exactly. We balance each other – I keep you more grounded and you help keep me from being too grounded. We complement each other."
She shook her head again although not as emphatically, "No, Mac, I can't go there. You are just afraid that you will be alone again and, now that you have dated Peyton and realize that that part of your life doesn't need to be over, you don't want to go back to being alone and I am the only woman you are close with at the moment."
"Stella, how can I convince you that that isn't it? I would never begin a relationship with anyone just because it was convenient. And I certainly wouldn't risk the most important relationship in my life on a whim" Mac stated emphatically. "How can I convince you that I really have feelings for you," he asked?
Stella walked over to the door and opened it. He could see tears beginning to form in her eyes. "You can't, Mac. I am sorry, but I don't think you really mean this."
Dejected and not knowing what to say and obviously having upset her greatly, he left without saying anything more. After closing the door behind him, Stella leaned against the door and started to cry silently, the tears ruining her careful make-up job. After a moment, she pulled herself together to finish getting ready for her date.
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All through her date, Stella couldn't help but think about Mac. She really tried to concentrate on her date, but her thoughts kept drifting back to Mac's declaration earlier in the evening. She had automatically rejected what he was saying but she knew it was a reaction based on fear -- she was afraid to accept what he was saying because she wanted so much for it to be true. She just couldn't trust that after all this time he was genuinely interested in changing their relationship. She really believed he was just afraid to go back to being alone and, if she opened up her heart to him and he realized it was a mistake, she would be crushed.
After ending her date early and apologizing to him for being a million miles away most of the night, Stella decided to go to Mac's place. Mac was too important to her to leave things the way they were. She knew that as hard as it might be, she needed to take the risk and be honest with him about her feelings. She owed him that.
Stella paused outside of Mac's door with her hand raised. She knew she wanted, no, needed to talk to him; she just couldn't quite bring herself to knock. She started to turn away, but gathered her courage, raised her hand and knocked quickly so she couldn't change her mind. She was fidgety as she waited for him to answer the door. When he opened the door she said, "Hi, Mac. I think we need to talk."
"Of course, Stella." He said as he ushered her into his living room. "I am surprised to see you here after what happened earlier, but I am glad you stopped by." He had walked for hours after leaving Stella's. He couldn't stop thinking about what he had said to her and mentally castigating himself for his timing. She had every right to be upset with him and he knew he needed to apologize to her. His timing has been awful and he had been unfair to spring his feelings on her like that – right before her date. But, as worried as he was about that, he was more worried that by telling her how he felt he had ruined their friendship. He couldn't lose her friendship. He needed her in his life. So before she could say anything, he quickly continued, "I know that I owe you an apology. I was wrong to surprise you like that and you had every right to be upset by my timing."
"It really wasn't fair of you to come to me when you did. I really was looking forward to my date," she said, "but I didn't come for an apology."
"I still owed you one. I would hate to think I ruined our friendship or made things awkward for us. I truly didn't mean to upset you that much, Stella and I didn't mean to ruin your evening."
She looked at him and raised her eyebrow skeptically.
"I didn't . . . well, I guess I did intend to disrupt your date, but I am sorry that I upset you so much. I just thought if maybe you felt the same way, we could . . ." he paused and seemed to change his mind about what he wanted to say, saying quietly instead, "but you don't, so it doesn't matter."
With a visible effort Stella gathered her thoughts before saying softly, "That's why this is so upsetting to me, Mac. I did feel the same way and well, I think I still do." She looked directly at him as she said the last.
Mac, looking utterly confused and astonished said, "You did? You do?" Mac couldn't believe he heard her right.
"Mac, you really caught me off balance, but I think that if I didn't have those feelings for you, it would have been a lot less upsetting to me." After taking another breath for courage, Stella continued, "Mac, I realized a long time ago that I cared about you as more than a friend. I often hoped you would see me that way but then you started dating Peyton and I smothered those feelings because, above all, I wanted you to be happy. And I could see she made you happy. You started to be more like the old Mac Taylor and it was so good to see that -- even if I wasn't the one that brought out that side of you." She blew out a breath and said, "But apparently I didn't get rid of my feelings entirely. I guess that would have been impossible. Feelings that strong don't just disappear, do they?"
"No, they don't," Mac responded qently. The anguish he had been feeling after their last conversation started to abate and he felt the first flickers of hope that perhaps things would work out after all.
Stella moved so she was standing in front of Mac before continuing, "Mac, please tell me you are sure that this isn't just because you don't want to be alone. That you really think we would work as a couple."
He looked directly into her eyes and said with as much sincerity as he could inject into his voice "I do, but I can't give you any guarantees, Stella." He needed so desperately for her to believe him, but he couldn't lie.
"I know that, Mac. But, do you really believe that we have a chance?" She asked the last question very quietly, but she was looking directly back at him not trying to hide anything.
"I really think so. Maybe it took me too long to recognize my feelings for what they were, but they ARE there and they are strong. You make me feel good just by being in the same room. You are the first person I want to tell when things are good and the first person I want to turn to when things are bad. You were the one who helped me the most to move past Claire's death, so don't underestimate your role in helping me to be more like my old self – in helping me to realize it was okay to move on with my life and find happiness again." He paused searching for a way to convince her. "Look Stella I can't be absolutely sure we will work as a couple and live happily ever after, but I think we have all the right ingredients."
As close as they were standing, he moved in even closer as he continued, "We are close friends and that's a great start to a romantic relationship; we trust each other, we communicate well with each other, we have similar values and goals. The only other ingredient we would need is passion." He was so close to her right now, he could hear her breathing. He reached out and rested his hand gently at her waist and said in a softer, more intimate tone, "I think we have that. The question is, do you?" As he was speaking his eyes locked onto hers and he reached his hand up placing his hand against her cheek. He slowly began to rub his thumb gently over her lips.
The tension was building inside her as she stared into his eyes. Her heart started racing and her breathing was becoming more rapid. Her stomach was suddenly filled with butterflies and she felt a warmth steal over her body. She saw his eyes questioning; looking unsure of himself and of her reaction. Her eyes fluttered closed of their own accord and she parted her lips to give his thumb a quick caress. He took that action for the encouragement it was and he moved his thumb as he leaned closer and their lips met sweetly and almost chastely at first before they deepened it and proved to Stella that Mac was a passionate man as she had always thought and that there was indeed passion between them.