by Laura Boeff
Acceptance isn't always easy....
Cosmo hissed as he slammed the piece of scrap
plastic pipe down on his arm. Again.
And again. But the pain did not erase the hurt. Didn't drown out his
misery or the heartache as he
swung once more, gritting his teeth as pain blossomed anew in his arm.
Tears ran freely down
his face, a strange juxtaposition to the angry glower in his eyes as
he swung.
Why? Why wouldn't the pain drown out the hurt?
Why couldn't he just cut the ache out
and throw it away?! He didn't want it.
Didn't!
Damn.
Cosmo swung again, the dull slap of the hard
plastic striking his flesh the only sound
above his barely stifled whimper. But the heartache just laughed at
him. The anger burning
through him and having no target other than himself. He was a coward,
a fool... a failure. He
deserved the pain. Accepted it.
And swung the pipe again.
"Cosmo?!"
If it was possible to fling a sliding door
open, Ace had just done it as he stared wide eyed
at the trembling teen in front of him. For a moment he was frozen,
breath catching in his throat at
the sight. Cosmo's bare left arm was red and battered as the young
teen looked up at him, anger
flashing in his eyes... and agony.
He had come in a flash after Angel's inquiry
into Cosmo's strange behavior, the
computer unable to handle the concept of self-mutilation. Ace couldn't
handle it either. Hadn't
believed it, even though the social service counselors warned him such
things were not only
possible, but commonplace in abuse cases.
But still... What was the kid thinking? Something
like this didn't make sense.
It... It just didn't!
And Ace chided himself for the judgment. To
Cosmo it made sense. For some strange
reason it made sense to a thirteen year old boy, whether it left him
confused or not.
"Go away!" Cosmo snarled, and swung the pipe
again, the plastic cracking brutally on the
outstretch limb.
"No!" Ace gasped and leapt forward, grabbing
the teen by the shoulders. The reaction
was instantaneous. Cosmo panicked. Let out a coarse cry and instinctively
planted his hands on
Ace's chest and shoved free, the pipe hitting the floor forgotten.
It all became a blur as Cosmo tried to run
past him. Ace got in his way, wanting to stop
him, but not frighten Cosmo anymore. What Ace wanted still didn't matter
at this moment. Cosmo
wanted out. Didn't want to be near him or any adult for that matter
and lashed out as Ace tried to
get a hand on him. The young man's fist clipped his chin, delivering
a stinging pain that made
Ace flinch back. In that slight retreat Cosmo escaped, pelting madly
out into the hall.
"Angel, emergency lockdown!" Ace ordered immediately.
Not that it would hold Cosmo
for long. His young charge could circumvent the security easily if
given half a second.
Ace didn't plan to give him that time though.
Cosmo wailed his misery and pounded a fist
against the exit door of the Express. Damn
him! Damn the man! He'd locked down the train. Cosmo looked furtively
at the control pad. He
had his tools, always carried them, but it would take a few minutes
to bypass the lock. A few
minutes he didn't have, knowing the magician was hot on his heels.
Damn it! He didn't want Ace
near him. Didn't want anyone near him. He was alone. Couldn't the man
understand that?! Had
been alone all his life because he was a failure. A bastard. Worthless
and without value. He
didn't want the false sentiments the social service people offered.
Or Ace's own concern. It was
temporary. Like someone finding an injured bird. The desire to comfort
was there, but soon that
compassion would become annoyance when they learned what a nuisance
it was to care for
someone else.
To care for him.
There had to be a way out of here!
Cosmo ran.
"Cosmo is heading for the Express' control
station, Ace," Angel informed him smoothly
as he ran through the halls of his home, cape billowing behind him.
"Thanks, Angel," Ace breathed, heart thundering
madly in his chest. Damn. The
counselors had warned him of these outbreaks. Had told him what could
happen and how to
handle it, but that was assuming he had Cosmo in the same room, that
the teen was willing to
suffer his presence long enough for him to talk.
Cosmo wasn't willing.
Ace knew confining the teen to the Express
would only aggravate his condition, but he
didn't dare let the young man get outside in his current self-destructive
state of mind. In reality,
Ace could have sealed Cosmo in whatever room he was in via Angel. And
driven Cosmo past the
point of hurt and anger to complete panic. Not an option he wanted
to entertain.
Ace paused at the control station door as
it slid open. Stopped there and braced for
whatever might happen.
What happened... was nothing.
Ace frowned, entering warily, lest Cosmo try
to escape past him. But the control station
was eerily empty.
"Angel?"
"Cosmo is out of my scanning area, Ace."
'What!'
'How?' was the next thought as Ace looked
about, then he caught sight of the
maintenance panel slightly ajar. Knelling, Ace pulled the loose cover
off and the distant thump of
something moving through the Express' engine compartment drifted up
to him.
Oh god! Cosmo was literally burrowing through
the Express' fusion engine chamber.
"Angel, shut down the Express now! Everything!"
he ordered immediately, near panic
now. Dear lord! There were power cables down there capable of lighting
up a small city. If Cosmo
touched one....
"Shutting down," Angel said softly, without
inflection to the order to shut herself off.
Following was a slight, dying hum and everything went dim. The lights
died and the air
conditioning cut out, a ghostly silence falling over the Express.
One kick. Two. The exterior access panel to
the Express' engine compartment gave and
sprang out, landing with an echoing clang as Cosmo slid free of the
dank confines, trembling. He
hadn't thought he could do it; move through the tight, enclosed space.
He hated the dark! The
closeness. Another shiver tore through his lean body as he stagger
stepped across the trains
parking slab.
Cosmo had little doubt Ace would be on his
heels. And he didn't want him to be. He
wanted to be left alone. He was use to being alone. Even in a crowd.
At home... anywhere. He
was alone for a reason. A reason that was his fault and he knew it
couldn't be any other way. So
he ran. Seeking someplace to hide. Just hide. It was all he wanted
to do right now.
Hide.
Ace let his cape drop away as the world reformed
around him, the trailing glitter of magic
dancing in front of his eyes as he appeared outside the Express. Immediately
he went to where
the access hatch had been brutally kicked out, picking up the metal
square. His eyes scanned
the surrounding area, instantly sought out any movement, any hint of
life.
And found nothing.
Ace let out a groan and simply dropped the
cover, it's dull clang echoing the empty
feeling in his chest.
'Be careful, Cosmo. Please. Be careful,' he
wished fervently.
He would have to find the young man. Would
find him. Perhaps it was the better thing to
let him go. Perhaps he had done enough damage already in trying to
restrain Cosmo. But... he
couldn't accept just doing nothing. Ace was Cosmo's guardian. And more....
He wanted to be a
friend.
Wanted....
Ace sighed. Cosmo currently didn't give a
damn for what he wanted at the moment.
Something had triggered this emotional turmoil and his world currently
revolved around the
misery he was suffering. The mere thought of the young teen suffering
raised an emotion in Ace
like no other. A desperate desire to protect.
Find him. He had to find Cosmo. So Ace started
walking, quickly, racking his brain for
ideas on places the teen had mentioned where he might go.
Cosmo hunkered down, cradling his injured arm
against his chest. It throbbed with a
detached pain, a pulsing beat in rhythm with his heart. He lost himself
in the sensation
momentarily, mind numb and dazed. At last, he was alone. Vaguely aware
of where he was. A
quiet spot he had discovered in his explorations around the Express'
parking slab. He should go
further, get farther away, but he didn't. Something in him made him
stay close. Didn't want him to
leave his... his...
Cosmo clenched his jaw and glared, face wet
with tears. That wasn't his home! It was
just someplace he would eventually be thrown out of. Ace meant well.
He knew that. The older
man believing he wanted the teen in his life, but that would change.
Why wouldn't it? It always
had before. Cosmo was a bastard. His father assured him of it. And
he had no kinship to the
magician. There were no ties to bind them and Ace could sever their
relationship and end it with
the wave of a hand and a signature on paper.
He sobbed softly and turned into the wall.
Why him damn it? Didn't he deserve better?
He wanted better. But when did he ever get what he wanted?
Jealousy surged up in Cosmo. Burned him and
turned the ache in his heart to one of
complete misery. The emotion so overwhelming he couldn't even summon
the strength to lash
out. So he cried silently in the shadows and tried to make some sense
out of his life.
Ace heard the soft sound. Froze and turned
slowly. There was another sob, just as soft,
and it touched him deep inside. He was surprised that Cosmo hadn't
run farther. Had stayed
closer to the Express than he had expected. It gave him hope. Hope
that the teen wanted his
help, even if it was an unconscious cry.
The counselors had explained things Ace hadn't
conceived of, or understood before. His
life had been rough, but not what Cosmo had survived. The teen's strength
of will was
astounding sometimes. His determination seemingly endless. And then...
other times...
Ace took a deep, steadying breath. Other times
he seemed to spiral into frightened
confusion, trying to grasp concepts too unsettling for his young mind.
Ace took hope that Cosmo
had stayed nearby. Was the self abuse a cry for help? Just as a suicide
attempt would have
been.
Ace stiffened and felt his stomach twist sickeningly.
Suicide. Had Cosmo ever...? He shoved the
thought aside. If the young man had
entertained the thought in the past, Ace could not change it, but he
would damn well make sure
Cosmo had no reason to entertain such ideas in the future.
"Cosmo?" he called, voice incredibly gentle,
calm, despite the worry raging in him. There
was a slight scuffle and a sniffle.
"Go away."
Ace sighed and took another deep breath.
"I will go away if you really want me to....
but, I would like to talk. Just talk," he returned.
Silence reigned then, for awhile.
"Why?" It was snapped in annoyance. "Why do
you want to talk to me?"
"Because I care. And I'm worried about you,"
Ace stated simply.
"Why? Why do you care?"
Good question. Ace had asked himself the same
before. The answer was never clear,
but it was without refute. He did care. Ace knew he did. Wasn't sure
why he did so strongly, but it
all had become a moot point: He did care for Cosmo. Was determined
to help him.
"Because you're someone worth caring about,"
he answered. That got the teen, more
silence following. Tentatively, Ace entered the overhang of the old
rail overpass. Like the tunnels,
there were a number of abandoned structures on the property Ace owned.
He found Cosmo tucked against the wall, looking
out the overpass' other side, staring
out, huddled down with his legs drawn up. Ace kept his distance, crouching
down beside the
teen, cape settling around him. He caught sight of the abused arm in
the weak sunlight and
winced. The entire length of Cosmo's forearm was bruised and welt ridden,
swelling starting to
set in.
Cosmo made a point of ignoring him, small
tremors rolling through his body as he stared
out from the overpass.
"Are you okay?" Ace tried gently. A shrug
was his only answer. It was obvious Cosmo
had been crying, but now his eyes were steely. Cold.
"Yeah," he hissed.
Ace sighed. It was a lie of course, but it
was the answer he expected.
"Will you tell me what happened?" he asked.
Cosmo's eyes darted to him, then away.
"Doesn't matter," he spat vehemently, voice
cracking slightly.
Ace eased forward a touch, stopping when Cosmo
stiffened, noticing his approach.
"It matters to me," Ace told him. Cosmo flinched
and his eyes darted back to him. Ace
felt his heart go out to the young man at the confusion in the gray
depths, but forced himself to
stay put, to not reach out and offer some comfort. Cosmo shied away
from physical contact.
Expected the worse from such gestures. Never the best.
Cosmo swallowed a sob, choked it back viscously,
eyes closing as his fist clenched.
"What happened, Cosmo? Please, I would like
to help."
Cosmo hissed and shook his head.
"Can't help," he muttered darkly.
"Why?"
Cosmo flinched and stifled a small sob.
"Leave me alone."
"Not if I can help."
Cosmo turned on him. "You can't help!" he
screamed angrily.
"Why not?" Ace implored. "I can try to help,
Cosmo. I want to help. But you have to meet
me half way and tell me what the problem is," he got out in a desperate
rush.
Cosmo snarled and went back to glaring out
of the overhang.
"You can't help because you don't know the
answer," he spat.
"You don't know that till you ask me the question."
That made Cosmo stiffen, and tremble, the
fist tightening. The teen struggled with his
breathing, tried to calm down, but it didn't seem to help and the tremors
increased.
"Why?" he whispered, eyes wide and staring
at no point in particular. "Why does he hate
me?"
Cosmo's father. Ace flinched. The man who
had brutalized his son, his own offspring.
Unloaded his anger and contempt on a fragile child who wanted nothing
more than his love and
approval.
"That is a hard question," Ace admitted.
Cosmo just snorted.
"Knew you didn't have the answer," he muttered
darkly.
"I didn't say I couldn't try to answer, Cosmo,"
Ace pointed out calmly. He had tried to
understand why people abused their children. Tried to learn so he could
be ready for these
moments. If one could ever truly be ready.
"Only your father can answer that completely.
But, to get a honest answer, he'd have to
admit he was doing something wrong in the first place," Ace started.
"Fat chance of that," Cosmo spat bitterly.
Ace nodded. Fat chance.
"It's about power. And cowardice. When people
feel they have no control in their lives,
they try to get control by taking it from others. Hurting those that
are weaker than themselves is
an easy way to do that. They feel.... stronger, important, when they
can make people fear them.
A child is an easy target. One that can be controlled... abused." Ace's
throat tightened. God. He
was having to tell Cosmo brutal truths the boy didn't need to hear.
Cosmo wanted someone to
love him, care for him, and here he was trying to explain why someone
who should love him,
should care for him, despised him. Loathed him.
"He didn't want children. Always swore he
didn't," Cosmo muttered suddenly. "Mom...
Mom had trouble giving birth to me I guess. I remember them arguing
about it. She couldn't have
any more kids after me. Dad always yelled at her for that. Said...."
The trembling worsened and
Ace unconsciously slid forward, wanting to comfort. He froze when Cosmo's
eyes flashed
warningly at him, his body tensing. So Ace had to content himself with
settling close by.
Once sure Ace was coming no closer, Cosmo
continued, voice low and distant.
"Always bitched he had no reason for a wife
that couldn't have kids. Not that he wanted
any, he just wanted to bitch at her for something," he sighed. "I miss
her."
"I know you do," Ace assured. Cosmo rarely,
very rarely mentioned his mother. But there
was always such warmth and love when he did.
Cosmo nodded slightly and fell silent again,
curling up on himself some more. Ace waited
patiently, to see if any more was coming. When the silence dragged
on he started to speak
again.
"May I ask, what's got you so upset?" Ace
requested softly. "Did.... did your father come
near you today?"
If he did.... Ace squelched the fury that
wanted to rise at the thought of that man coming
anywhere near Cosmo. O'Conner had signed the agreement that he would
have no more contact
with his son and Ace was damn well going to make him stick to it!
"No," Cosmo muttered with a head shake. "Naww...
wasn't him. I.... It's just..." Cosmo
stifled a small sob, rubbing irritably at his nose with the back of
his good arm.
"Tyler's dad came to the arcade today. Just
sort of showed up. Thought... thought at first
Tyler was in trouble, but he wasn't. His dad just wanted to hang out
with us," Cosmo's voice
tightened, became almost a whisper. "He just wanted to hang out with
his son."
Ace dropped his head. And Cosmo couldn't understand.
Couldn't comprehend why his
own father wanted nothing to do with him, when Tyler's dad wanted to
be with his son. Cosmo
made a point of not going to his friends houses, meeting their family.
This was the reason. The
pain it brought. The confusion. The confusion had turned to anger.
An anger demanding an
outlet.
A tear rolled down Cosmo's cheek and angrily
he wiped it away.
"Cosmo.. I,"
"Want to be alone," Cosmo interrupted softly.
Ace licked his lips. "Are you sure?"
A slight nod.
"Yeah. Just... leave me alone."
Ace sighed. Cosmo was finished talking. For
now. So he nodded.
"I'll be at the Express. If you want to talk,
or need anything..." Ace let the offer drift as
Cosmo snuck him a quick glance. Uncertainty warred with the pain and
he nodded slightly,
returning his attention to the scenery around them.
Ace extracted himself slowly and turned and
headed back toward the train, heart
incredibly heavy. What was he to do? Cosmo had been doing better. Was
slowly adapting to his
new life, but this showed Ace just how fragile that acceptance was.
How a single emotional
upheaval could fracture the young teen's world and send him spiraling
down into despair.
Destructively so.
There should be more he could do. More!
Cosmo felt a pang of loneliness at Ace's departure
and squelched the feeling. Tried to
pummel it into submission. Beat it back.
But if refused to be killed. It sat there,
in the background, urging him out of the cool
shadows of the overpass. To go and seek out the older man and the comfort
he offered.
He might not have been able to banish the
feeling, but he could ignore it. And did. It
would only get him hurt. The comfort would turn to annoyance someday.
Maybe not today, but
someday. Someday
Cosmo buried his face in his hands and simply
wished the world would disappear for a
while and leave him the hell alone.
Ace was so lost in his dark thoughts as he
approached the Magic Express that he didn't
even hear the sound of a null-grav car settling down by the mammoth
train, walking, hands
clasped behind his back and head lowered.
"Hey, Ace."
The greeting jerked him from his reverie and,
with a startled flinch, Ace looked up to see
Vega. The older man smiled openly but the grin died as he saw the despair
on the magician's
face.
"Ace? What's wrong?" Vega asked immediately,
brow dropping in worry. Ace sighed and
shook his head.
"Cosmo," he murmured, heart breaking for his
young charge.
"Told you he'd be a handful, Ace," Vega chuckled,
with a touch of condemnation. "But,
when do you listen to me?"
Anger suddenly churned in Ace. Boiled to the
surface without restraint.
"Shut up, Vega!" he snapped straight into
Vega's face, gray eyes flashing.
Vega took a step back, startled as Ace pushed
by, fist clenching.
"Ace? What the... ?" Vega gasped.
Ace snarled, spinning on him. "I just caught
Cosmo abusing himself. Punishing himself
because he can't understand why his father hates him. So save me your
jokes, your 'told you
so's' and your damn speeches about how he's nothing but a thief and
a trouble maker!" Ace all
but screamed, anger and hurt washing over him, his magic bubbling and
hissing with the alien
emotions ripping through him.
Vega was thunderstruck, jaw hanging down,
working, but producing no sound as Ace
spun about and headed for the Express' side door. It didn't slid open
and briefly he stared at it,
confused, before remembering the full shut down. The sudden need to
loose a lighting bolt at the
metal mammoth exploded in him and Ace *just* got a hold on the desire.
Instead, he slumped against the cool metal
side, shuddering. Feeling so helpless, and
angry all the more because of that helplessness.
A hand rested on his shoulder gently.
"I'm sorry, Ace," Vega whispered, voice pain
filled. For a moment, Ace didn't trust himself
to answer. Taking a deep breath, muscles tight, he tried to calm, at
last managing a slight shake
of his head.
"No.. I'm sorry..."
"No, Ace. You're right. I have given you hell
because of the kid," Vega apologized as the
magician turned, collapsing against the Express.
"I... I've just been worried for you. But
you are right. This old cop just has trouble getting
past first impressions. I'm sorry," he sighed. Ace just nodded. He
knew that. He always knew
that. To Vega, Ace was his first concern, not Cosmo. Just as Cosmo
was now Ace's first
concern.
"I know, Vega. I know. I'm sorry I unloaded
on you," Ace sighed, feeling suddenly tired.
"It's just... He's not a bad kid. Can be a good
man if someone gives him the chance," Ace went
on.
Vega nodded and smiled slightly.
"And you're giving him that chance," Vega
assured. "What happened?"
Ace told him, voice faltering in places, but
he managed to explain it all. Vega's face
darkened, became a glower. Vega might distrust Cosmo, believed it was
not the best idea for
Ace to let the delinquent teen into his home, but he was not a man
without a heart. He, perhaps
better than anyone, understood the devastation of abuse. Had seen it
on the streets, in the
homes, in the faces of the victims who's bodies he'd found.
"Damn," he muttered at last.
Ace nodded.
Damn.
"Call Mary, Ace. Talk to her," Vega urged
immediately. Mary was one of Cosmo's Social
Service counselors. One of the few social service workers Ace believed
truly cared about her
young wards welfare. She'd been a godsend in explaining what he should
expect, given Cosmo's
past history. Her specialty being child physiology.
"I don't know, Vega..." Ace sighed, uncertain
whether involving a third party would help
Cosmo.
"No. You don't know. Neither do I. Call Mary,
Ace. Get her advice. I've seen this kind of
situation before, Ace. It can be worse. Can get worse,"
Ace trembled. He knew that. Wanted to deny
and pretend it wouldn't, but he knew better.
Way better.
Numbly he nodded.
"I will," he sighed at last, activating his
com. "Angel initiate start up sequence.
Authorization 3, 2, 1. Now."
There was a distant hum, almost indiscernible
as the Magic Express came back to life.
The door slid open before him, welcoming him into his home.
"You call Mary, I'll rustle us up some coffee,"
Vega ordered briskly, unhesitantly following
his younger friend inside. Ace smiled his gratitude. He needed the
older man's support right now.
Vega's solid foundation of trust to fall back on.
"Thanks," he sighed, clapping
Vega on the shoulder. "Thanks, Derek."
Vega nodded with a knowing smile.
"You'll help him, Ace. I know you will," he
stated firmly.
Ace wasn't so confident, but the encouragement
helped. Shored up his crumbling beliefs.
He just nodded and turned, heading toward the living room.
Cosmo drew in a deep breath, and let it out
slowly, feeling such an exhaustion settle over
him. It was all sooo confusing. He knew his father hated him. He didn't
know why.. not really.
After all, he'd always tried to do what his father wanted... demanded.
And still it was never the
right thing. He could never do the right thing. Cosmo tried to dredge
up positive moments with the
older man, but it was hard, so hard and none of them taking place after
his mother died.
He slumped against the cement wall, shivering
as his skin brushed it's exposed surface.
He was just so tired of it all. Of the fear.
The pain. The loneliness.
The confusion.
Ace caused the confusion and for a moment
he hated him for it.
Why? Why? Why?! Why did the magician care
for him? Why did the man care? It
couldn't be a publicity stunt. Ace had driven off reporters wanting
to discuss the subject with him.
Made a point to not allow those same reporters to harass Cosmo. He
hadn't made any
inappropriate moves on him. Never. Even at their first meeting Cosmo
believed Ace had no
sexual intentions for him. Had been ashamed of himself for even considering
the possibility
Believe.
Something in Ace made him believe in the older
man. Something about Ace, that Cosmo
couldn't define, brought an unconscious desire to trust out.
And he hated it!
Hated the power it took away from him. The
control.
The blade snapped open. Cosmo's pocket knife.
Not an intimidating weapon at all.
But sharp.
Very sharp.
Cosmo kept it that way. He studied it's radiant
edge even as his world spiraled in
confusion around him.
He was just so damn tired of it all. He wanted
to believe, but belief meant giving up
control. And giving up control meant he could be hurt.
Would be hurt.
He didn't want to be hurt. Never again. But
he didn't want to be alone either.
Fear and want. The two emotions warred with
each other, fought and furied in him.
And only the confusion reigned above the tumult.
Ace slumped down onto the couch in front of
the large wall screen and let himself go limp
for a second, trying to gather his wits. Zina ambled in, gave a rumble
and came immediately to
his side. Unconsciously, his hand went out and scratched the massive
black head. Zina rumbled
her pleasure, but the gold eyes flicked up at him, a hint of confusion
in their depths.
'Where is Cosmo?' Those eyes seem to ask.
If Cosmo was in the Express he would have
sent Zina to him, to comfort the young man
Zina had adopted as her cub. Anything to help ease the teen's despair.
Ace almost sent her
anyway, but that would be foolish. Foolish to let her roam outside
without his supervision. Zina
was intelligent, excelling so, but still a wild animal. A jungle cat
in a human world.
"Sorry, girl," he apologized for her cubs
disappearance as he hit the keycode in for Mary
Staebler.
There was a beep, then another and then the
screen came to life.
A harried, middle age woman with brown hair
graying at the temples looked up, eyes
tired, but sparkling with an endless supply of compassion.
"Mr. Cooper?" she said in surprise, a frown
creasing her brow as she got a good look at
him.
"What's wrong?"
Straight to the point. It was one of the things
Ace liked about the woman. Her
compassion was amazing, her common sense a godsend and her patience
legendary.
Ace explained. Everything he knew at least.
Mary nodded, occasionally interrupted and
cross questioned him, but otherwise let him do all the talking.
In the end, she nodded and sighed, pausing
slightly to clear something off her desk.
"It's a good sign, Mr. Cooper," she said at
last, with a hint of relief.
Ace was flabbergasted.
"Good sign?" he blurted. "I find Cosmo abusing
himself and you call it a good sign?!"
Mary gave him a sad smile, but nodded.
"I know it's hard to understand, but, in a
way, it is. He's not hiding his self injury. The
injuries he's caused will be visible. He is asking for help without
asking. In the most sever cases
the damage would be more brutal, more carefully placed. Knife cuts,
punctures, burns, to the
torso and inner legs. Places easily concealed by clothing, allowing
the victim to suffer in silence.
Cosmo hurting himself in a hard to conceal area is his way of getting
attention. Testing your
reactions," she explained gently, her voice calm. It helped settle
his own jangled nerves, but
didn't help the reality of the situation.
"Why? He's never done this before. His medical
checkup didn't show any previous signs
of self-mutilation?" Ace asked himself as much as Mary. Part of the
agreement for him to be
granted guardianship was that every six months Cosmo was required to
undergo a medical
examine; starting with the initial check up Cosmo had tolerated two
weeks ago. While Social
Services said it was simply to keep an eye on his health, Ace knew
it for what it was; a way to
make sure the magician himself wasn't abusing the young teen. Ace's
fists clenched. As if he
would ever....
"I know he hasn't, Mr. Cooper. Cosmo is trying
to deal with a massive shift in his world.
Your accepting his guardianship is something he never honestly expected.
That change is really
starting to set in now. He can't understand how you can care for him
when his father does not.
Truth is, most abuse victims can't truly comprehend why their parents
abuse them. Cosmo is no
different. He's hitting a point, Mr. Cooper..."
"Ace.. Please, call me Ace," Ace interrupted
suddenly. He didn't know why, but right now
he didn't want to be referred to in a formal manner. Mary nodded and
smiled.
"Ace. It sounds like Cosmo has hit a point
in his life where he has to come to grips with
himself and the world around him. He's close. To either breaking through
or breaking down.
Abuse victims generally reach a point of no return. A rock bottom.
If the support is there, the
emotional support he needs, he will be able to come to terms. Accept
what has happened in his
life and see that his future does not have to resemble his past. It
sounds like he's reached that
point, Ace."
"I shouldn't of left him," Ace suddenly declared,
but Mary shook her head.
"Perhaps, perhaps not. But you trusted your
instincts and gave Cosmo some breathing
room. Some time to think. It sounds like the best thing. Just don't
leave him alone too long. Keep
near. Be there for when he decides, one way or the other," Mary went
on.
"How.. how can I help him make the right choice?
To accept this life?" Ace asked
desperately.
Mary still smiled, but there was infinite
sadness in it.
"You can't, Ace. He has to decide. You just
have to be there. To remind him of what
you're offering and what he can have if he's willing to take the risk
and accept it. To face the
reality of what he has survived in his life. He has to make the choice,
Ace. You just have to be
there for him when he decides."
Ace mulled it over unhappily. He understood
what it meant to make choices. Had made a
number of them himself as of late. Choices that effected his life.
Now Cosmo had to make his
own.
He nodded at last.
"Thank you, Mary. Sorry to bother you at this
hour,"
Mary waved it off.
"That's why I get the paid the big bucks,"
she chuckled. "Call me if you need any help.
You've got my home number if you can't reach me here."
Ace nodded. "Thanks again.
"Goodluck, Ace."
Ace slumped back into the couch. Goodluck,
indeed. He needed it.
"So, what's the word?" Vega asked softly,
pausing in the doorway, two steaming mugs in
his hands. Ace accepted the one offered as his friend sat on the coffee
table across from him.
"Cosmo has to decide; whether he's going to
accept his new life with me, and what has
happened to him, or..." Ace's voice caught. "Or deny his place here,
or anywhere."
He warmed his cold heart with the hot coffee,
trying to derive strength from the bitter
black liquid.
"Cosmo's not dumb, Ace. He's not suicidal
either. He'll make the right choice," Vega
assured.
Ace sighed and nodded. "You don't know how
much I hope you're right," he confessed,
sipping more of the brew.
"So what happens now?"
Ace looked into the half empty cup thoughtfully.
"Now.... I'm going to go and wait with Cosmo.
I can't decide for him but I can be there
when he does. I'm sorry about tonight."
Vega and he were suppose to be going out to
dinner. Vega actually treating for a
change. Not that Ace wanted him to, but the cop insisting.
"Don't you dare worry about that, Ace," Vega
snorted. "This is far more important. Do you
need any help?"
Ace just shook his head "No. No... Thanks,
Derek."
Vega waved it all off sitting his cup down
as he got up.
"I'll get out of your hair then," he declared
as Ace rose with him. Ace was taciturn as he
accompanied the detective back outside. Thoughts roving over the possibilities.
Uncertain and
unhappy with it all. The hand patting his arm jerked him back.
"He'll be okay, Ace," Vega repeated. "Call
if you needed anything."
"Thanks," was all Ace could manage as the
Vega left. Then he looked toward the
overpass, the shelter for his confused charge. Gathering his resolve,
Ace started toward it
without a second thought.
He heard Ace come back, the older man saying
nothing, simply coming beneath the
overpass and settling down a comfortable distance away. Cosmo resisted
the urge to look, afraid
of what he would see. The concern. The worry. Emotions he didn't deserve.
Didn't need.
He focused on the knife blade instead, turning
it slowly in his hands, watching the setting
sun reflect off it's polished surface. He didn't want to die. The thought
had never come to him. It
amazed him it didn't, given what he had endured in his short life.
What he had seen and gone
through. Another point to his stupidity. Just too damn dumb to know
when to call it quits and give
it all up. To scared too.
'Coward,' he thought bitterly. 'Bastard and
a coward!'
No. A small voice in him said simply.
And he cringed.
No. Just that simple. He wasn't a coward
and wasn't a bastard. He knew it, somedays,
even felt it. Then, other days... Days like today that made him want
to scream. Made him want to
curl up and hide in a hole.
"What do you want?" he muttered at last, Ace's
presence both a comfort and
aggravation. He could flatline when he wasn't here. Could pretend the
world outside had stopped
for awhile. But now Ace was back....
And yet, it felt... good, that he was here.
Safe.
Cosmo flinched and snarled slightly at himself.
"I just want to make sure you're okay," Ace
answered, not moving, a dark spot in the
overpass' shadows. Cosmo glanced briefly at him, then the knife, feeling
muscles tense. He felt
the confusion building up in him, gathering and growing and he hated
it.
"Why do you give a damn what happens to me?!"
he snarled, all of the chaos and
uncertainty Cosmo had been bottling up exploding free with the exclamation.
The emotions that
had been simmering just beneath the surface, hidden, during his short
time of living with Ace,
escaping.
"I mean, all I am is a nuisance! Why, Ace?
Why do you bother with me? What do you
want from me?!"
Ace sighed softly. "You are not a nuisance.
I bother with you because it's what you need.
What you deserve. You have the potential to be a good man, Cosmo. To
have a good life," he
explained calmly. "It's the right thing to do."
"Leave me alone," Cosmo muttered, frustrated
by the answer. It was an answer, but not
one he could comprehend. People didn't *do* things without expecting
payment. It just didn't
happen. Not to him at least. Not ever and not now.
"No," Ace answered.
Cosmo snarled. "Go away!"
Ace shook his head. "No. I won't come any
closer, but I'm not going away. I care too
much to leave you alone."
Cosmo flinched again, fingers tightening around
the knife handle. Damn him. Damn the
man! He wanted to get up, run away... yet couldn't move. Didn't want
to move at the same time.
What did the magician want? What did he want?! God... Confusion was
all around him.
Swamping him and burying him.
Why? Why? Why?
What could the man see in him that his father
had not? Why was he suddenly important
when all his life he had been nothing but a nuisance at best, a criminal
at worse?
He wanted to believe... wanted to hope and
give up the pain.
But to give it up...
To give it up...
With an inarticulate wail Cosmo threw the
knife with all his strength against the opposite
wall, the blade snapping on impact and falling to ground with a distant
ting.
Ace suppressed the wince as Cosmo threw the
knife. Took strange comfort in it's
breaking as the young man curled in on himself, trembling, the slight
glint of silent tears trailing
over his cheeks.
"Why did you hurt yourself, Cosmo?" he asked
softly. He wasn't sure if questioning the
teen was the best idea, but he couldn't let the silence settle between
them. He knew, above all
else, that the silence could not be allowed.
"I.... I..." Cosmo stammered, shaking his
head slightly. "Wanted to hurt something,
someone... But, it's wrong to hurt people. I... I didn't feel I had
a right too, didn't want to hurt
anyone...."
Ace pursed his lips thoughtfully. "But you
felt you had a right to hurt yourself?"
There was a shaky nod and Ace felt his stomach
clench. It was a twisted logic, twisted in
the wrongness of it. It made no sense to him, but, to an angry thirteen
old it was plain as day.
Cosmo wanted to release his pain, his anger, but didn't want to hurt
anyone. That left one target
he felt deserving of his wraith.
Himself.
"You're right that it's wrong to hurt other
people, Cosmo," he started carefully. "But it is
also wrong to hurt yourself."
"Go away."
"No."
Cosmo looked up at him. Glared. Simply glared
at him for a moment. But there was more
then fury in those gray eyes, there was uncertainty, fear... desperation.
"Cosmo. I know you can't understand why I
want to help, but I do. And I don't expect you
to trust me or even believe me when I say I just want the best for
you. Only time and experience
can show you that I am telling you the truth," Ace told him gently.
"I just want you to give me the
time and the chance to help you."
The gray eyes flickered. Cosmo's lip trembled
slightly as he fought his inner battle.
Numbly, he shook his head, eyes dropping away as tremors attacked his
body, the emotional
upheaval releasing itself in the mad trembling.
"I... I..." He slumped down against the wall,
shivering, eyes closed. "I..."
"Just give me a chance, Cosmo. Give yourself
a chance. I want to help you. I want to be
your friend,"
"Hurts, Ace," Cosmo murmured. "So messed up,
man. Sometimes.. I.. I just don't know."
Ace nodded. "You wonder who you are and if
anyone can care about you? You think in
the middle the night: Are you fooling yourself? Are you waiting to
find your life is nothing but a
mirage before your eyes?"
Cosmo nodded slightly.
"I understand, Cosmo. I do understand. I..
I am an orphan, Cosmo. No family, no
memories of any. All my life I kept wondering who was I? Were did I
belong? Did I belong? I do
understand, Cosmo," Ace almost whispered, opening up hidden wounds
that had never been
revealed in his whole life. Opening them up to a frightened teen to
see.
"I'm not perfect, Cosmo. But I will always
try my best. That's all I can offer," he
concluded.
He had to decide.
That fact suddenly became painfully clear. He had
to decide. For the first time in his life,
Cosmo *had* to make a choice... Got to make a choice. Dare to risk
it all, to put all his cards on
the table and give Ace a chance. Or to refuse. To hold onto his control,
and the pain and
desolation that came with it.
One choice meant a life of loneliness, but
a life he was familiar with; understood. The
other choice brought the uncertainty of his dreams coming true... or
being dashed to the ground.
Choose, the small voice whispered in
him. Deep in him.
Choose.
As if it was that easy.
Briefly, his mothers face came to mind. Her
kind smile. Her soft hand.
Cosmo's heart tightened. It didn't make it
any easier, but he knew the choice she would
want him to make. Knew what he wanted.
He wanted to believe.
And he chose.
Cosmo sobbed-- cried out in pain. Let out
his fear, his hurt, in a single choked scream,
the world collapsing on itself around him as he collapsed with it.
A hand touched his shoulder, ever so gently.
Cautiously. Through tear blurry eyes
Cosmo saw Ace knelling by him, worry and hurt in the magician's eyes.
Not his own hurt, but
Cosmo's. Sharing his pain, feeling it as if it was his own.
Cosmo accepted the offered hand, crawled beneath
it and under the sheltering arm and
cried, the larger man gathering him up and doing no more then holding
him as he let the dark pit
in himself empty out.
Ace said nothing. Did nothing more then hold
the young man tenderly. Every sniffle and
sob was a knife in his heart, but he took comfort in the release. Cosmo
had chosen. Not with
words, but with his actions. By accepting Ace's hand, his comfort,
the teen had accepted him.
It did not mean the road ahead would be easy,
for either of them. Ace had his own
specters to cope with. Dark moments from his own past, just as Cosmo
did. The fact they were
both stubborn and willful wouldn't help either. But, with time, with
patience and care...
They would make it. No, it would not be easy,
by any stretch of the imagination, but they
would make it. Together.
But that was the future. Here and now it was
not important. Helping his young charge
accept the new life offered was all that mattered. Accept the scars
of the past marked on a young
heart. As the minutes went past Ace felt weakness sweep through Cosmo's
body, physical,
emotional, the teen slumping against him, breathing ragged but steadying.
Silently, Ace stood up,
lifting the young man with him.
Cosmo stood shakily, one hand holding tight
to his arm, for balance... for comfort. He
didn't look at him, but he didn't need to as Ace carefully guided him
out from under the overpass.
"Come on," Ace said softly, with a gentle
smile. "Let's go home."
Together.