The Phelan Suglab show: Pilot Episode!, an evangelion fanfic

The Phelan Suglab show: Series premiere

The camera pans down onto a studio talk show set. A large angry guy with a really big beard and spiky black armor is sitting behind a desk.

"Hello folks, my name is Phelan Suglab and this is the first dedicated talk show to appear on MTV. I will be meeting with the biggest and most interesting stars in the world. Now lets talk to the audience!"

Phelan stands up. He looks like a reject from some medieval arts fair and is carrying a really big sword. He points to someone in the audience.

"Yes sir, what's your question?"

Carson Dailey stands up and an assistant type person holds a microphone out to him.

"Um, yeah, I have a question. Who the F*ck are you and how did you get a show?"

Phelan smiles.

"That's actually a very good question Carson. Ya see, I was wandering around in my typically formulaic Dungeons and Dragons world when I was sucked through a portal and ended up here. They gave me a show because I am a level 5 Warrior and look dead cool. This show will not be my vehicle, I assure you, it's just an excuse to get some famous characters together and doing interesting things"

Carson blinks at Suglab. Hard.

"What the hell are you talking about? You're a freaking idiot! Its crap like this which is sinking our ratings!"

Carson gets up and moves to kick Phelan off of the stage. There's a flash of light and a REALLY BIG sword drawn above Phelans head. Suglab frowns at him.

"You suck"

The audience is sprayed in blood as the gigantic two-handed sword rends the irritating host in two. Phelan sheaths his sword.

"Ok, Enough about me, Lets get on to our crew! Manning the satellite uplinks and technical functions is Dr. Gendo Ikari!"

A shot flashes by of Gendo noticing the camera and pushing the glasses on his nose up.

"And lets have a round of applause for the band! How are you tonight Piccolo?"

Piccolo grimaces at Phelan.

"Shut up, I only took this job because I can't beat Goku and have lost all self respect"

Phelan chuckles and strolls over to the audience.

"Ok, some cheers for yourself the studio audience!"

The camera pans by about 200 throwaways from numerous shows. Phelan goes back and sits down behind his desk.

"And now, welcome our first guest of the night, Heero Yuy!"

A very angry looking teenager stalks onto the stage and sits down in the chair next to the desk.

Phelan leans up in his seat and starts talking.

"So Heero, everyone knows you from the series Gundam wing, but now your starting a solo project is that right?"

Heero smiles for the second time ever.

"Yes that's right Phelan, and it's a movie called "A turtle for the sun". It's about a privileged high school student going to a private school in a third world country. It deals extensively with the protagonist's ideas of reality, life and sanity"

Crickets chirp as the audience becomes comatose. Phelan yawns a bit.

"We-llllll...YAwn...excuse me..heres our next guest, Van Fanel"

Another teenager, this one wearing a sword stalks out and sits down in the next chair over. Phelan speaks.

"So Van, you're also most known for an extremely popular mecha series"

Van smiles.

"That's where I got my start, but im working on a play which should be opening on Broadway soon. Its called "Catch that Dragon" and has some of theaters' greatest talents behind it. It's basically a humorous take on the series Escaflowne, told in musical form. I think that some of the tunes could become really successful"

Van starts explaining more about the play and Phelan opens a channel to Gendo.

"We have a serious problem. That idiot isn't going to shut up, ever"

Gendo looks grimmer then usual as he examines various complicated looking readings.

"Our ratings have dropped below 37%. If it reaches 24%, our spot on the satellite uplink is designed to automatically disconnect, ending the show forever"

Phelan looks worried.

"So what do we do now?"

Gendo looks like a statue.

"I have an idea"

Phelan figures it out and nods. Gendo connects to the office of Misato Katsuragi, chief of operations MTV shows section. Katsuragi sits up in her chair. Gendo speaks.

"You will need to take an MTV limousine to this address"

Misato looks at the address and runs to get to the garage. 2 minutes later, a giant black limo is speeding across the city. It stops in front of an apartment building and Misato jumps out. After another five minutes of buzzing the intercom, a teenage girl comes to the door. He opens it up and looks out.

"My father wants to see me?"

Meanwhile......

The audience snores loudly as Van continues explaining the importance of choreography to his work. Phelan sits on pins and needles, until he gets a voice over his earpiece. He talks over Van.

"Well, we have to go to commercial now, but we'll be back soon"

Piccolo plays a few keys on his keyboard and it cuts to commercial. Phelan listens intently to Gendo.

"29% viewer ratings? If the savior doesn't arrive soon we're all done for"

The commercial ends and Van starts arguing the importance of art in entertainment with Heero. In the backstage, Rei Ayanami looks at the over revealing leather suit. Then she looks back at Gendo.

"You can't be serious!"

Gendo looks back at her.

"It's the only way we can survive on the air"

Rei stomps her heel and turns around.

"No, I won't do it"

Gendo frowns more. He keys his headset and talks to Phelan.

"She won't do it, going with plan B"

Phelan almost shouts onstage.

"What, why, the focus groups gave plan B a 0.00000001 chance of succeeding!"

Gendo looks back at him.

"It's the only other option on the budget, plus he's still alive after last time"

Phelan grits his teeth.

"Do it, but you take full responsibility when they see what we've done"

The dressing room to the side opens and out steps Shinji. He is horribly traumatized and shaking. He's dressed in a pink flowery Tu-Tu and Pink cowboy hat. Gendo motions in his direction.

"You have to go on stage now"

Shinji nods and starts walking woodenly toward the entrance. He stumbles and falls on his face in front of the door. He starts to get up, but is stopped by a shout.

"Stop!"

Rei is angry and has put on the ridiculously small leather suit.

"Ill go"

Gendo nods and keys his headset again.

"She'll do it"

Phelan interrupts Heero and Vans argument.

"Lets give a big round of applause for our next guest, Rei Ayanami"

Rei walks out and the male audience drools extensively. Godzilla, who is sitting in the back row, roars.

"Godzilla happy! Godzilla stomp Tokyo tonight!"

Various effeminate Sailormoon villains jump up and shout.

"To hell with the pink suits and the moon crystal, I want her!" or some such variations.

Ashs eyes bug out.

"I think I just hit puberty"

He slings Misty over his shoulder and runs out of the studio cackling. Rei walks over to the next seat and sits down. Heero and Van have stopped talking and are staring at Rei. Phelan grins and speaks.

"So Rei, where exactly did you come from"

Rei looks sort of blank.

"A large tank of orange goo in Terminal Dogma"

Gendo watches the ratings diving. He shouts over his headset.

"Rei, do something outrageous, NOW!"

Rei jumps out of her seat and grabs Van and Heero by their collars.

"I need you. Both of you. Right now!"

The studio audience goes wild. Phelan smiles. Rei starts dragging the semiconscious from lust Mecha pilots toward the back stage area. Suddenly two angry shapes jump out of the audience. Rei drops the two drooling wrecks onto the floor and faces the intruders. Hitomi and Relena face her and they look pissed. Rei speaks to them.

"Do you have a problem?"

They both nod, with steam escaping their ears. They both scream at her.

"Im going to kill you for stealing my man!"

They both lunge and start to fight with Rei. Then to every ones surprise, Rei backs away for a second.

"Cmon you two. There's plenty of room for you to join in!"

Phelan laughs uproariously and Gendo starts to think that maybe this wasn't such a great idea. As Rei starts to "relax" the two girls, Phelan speaks again.

"For gods sake, this is a talk show, not Jerry Springer! If you must do *That*, do it back stage"

The three very *Happy* girls drag the mecha pilots backstage. Shinji wakes up and remembers that he's a man for the first time in a long time. He jumps up and runs over to join the fun. Phelan talks to the crowd which is being held back by an army of security guards. Lots of loud screams from backstage are still heard over the general commotion. Gendo is sitting in the broadcast booth massaging his head and pretending not to hear.

"Well, I think that's all the show we can have tonight, so goodbye until next time...if there is a next time"

Piccolo plays some innocuous show tunes then mouths "God I hate this job"

END TRANSMISSION