Drifting With the Doubt
show: Young & the Restless
central character(s): JT Hellstrom, Victoria Newman
summary: "When our marriage ended, we almost hated each other. I'm just grateful we're getting this second chance." / Or, in which Victoria has her bi-weekly therapy appointment. Victoria-centric, mentions JTVictoria.
notes: This is just something I decide to crank out at the last minute just because it was in my head and I needed to get it out. I own nothing.
Dr. Caroline Sullivan's office is different, just like Newman Enterprises feels different.
Victoria likes waking up every day, excited to do her job. Working in the thick of the corporate world she knows she's destined to be in. But here she is at a midday appointment with her therapist and she hates it. Not because of Caroline. Caroline is almost her friend – almost because they have to be careful not to blur the lines between that and professionalism. She hates it because it means Victoria has to acknowledge her limitations and understand that she can't always be superhuman.
Reed son is actually right. Nothing good comes from being told to sit down. Caroline tells her to. Twice, and she'll do it a third time because it's coming from friendship.
"You can sit—"
"No," Victoria answers again, pacing the office. "I'm fine doing this. I need to move, Caroline. If I sit down, my mind will wonder with all of the ways I can have Ashley Abbott killed and dismembered. If I sit down, I'm going to rationalize going through it and enjoying it. Then," she exhales, combing her hair back without breaking her stride, "my mind will list all of the ways I know in my gut my father is being distrustful all over again," she chuckles, mirthlessly, "because he always does this and I always let him," she stops, whirls around to face the therapist and asks the question she pays Caroline find the answer to. "What's wrong with me?"
The blonde looks up at her with amused, yet empathic green eyes. She's going grey and Victoria wishes she could be as at peace with it as Caroline is. Victoria sinks into the couch opposite.
Caroline smiles, gently, "Still feeling homicidal?"
"Yes."
No.
"Okay. Reed's dad is back and you're with him?"
She nods, feeling the silver infinity necklace rest flat against her chest.
"Yeah. We're together. We decided to give it another try."
When Caroline mentions JT, Victoria feels her heart skip. It's cliché but she swears when he looks at her from across the room, she blushes. He's back at Newman as head of security and it's oddly attractive to watch him interact with his staff—some of them known to him, and the rest he gets acquainted with but he knows all of them by name. When Victoria is in her head driven by the hustle and bustle of corporate war, she walks by him and manages to catch his eye while they brush fingers and separate. At the end of the business day when it's dark and everyone's gone home, she likes that she checks in at his office. It's nice having him around. It's great for Reed, while Johnny has no problem getting to know him and Katie is slowly coming around. Her girl isn't shy at all but more tentative of unfamiliar people, situations and pesto.
Yes. They're together. Yes, she's working really hard to understand him as he is, get to know him all over again as person as she did the first time. Some things match while others don't. Victoria touches her necklace with a frown she can't control. She knows she chases ghosts and so does he. Colleen Carlton will always be a part of him just like Ryan McNeil will always be the guy she's ready to swear forever before the crack of a bullet shatters her.
Victoria raises her eyes to look at Caroline and says again with surety.
"Yes, we're trying things again. I mean…. I don't know where things are going to go but I just know it's been good. It feels good. We're talking things out more now than we ever did when we were married," Victoria says, with a smile. She suddenly becomes aware of the nakedness of her ring finger, the memory of a garnet engagement ring and a proposal asked on the screen of her cell phone years ago. It's a good memory and makes her smile. She also remembers Reed being particularly active that day. Things comes full circle and then they break into man sharp pieces until she and JT are left bleeding from trying so hard. "You know when our marriage ended, we almost hated each other. I'm just grateful we're getting this second chance, Caroline."
"You seem to be on the brink of a 'but' here…"
"But I'm scared. I have to be truthful. I'm scared of what can happen because as steady and safe as I feel with JT, there are so many variables. People already thinking we're rushing into this, but they don't know that we've talked about this extensively. I'm a single mother with a demanding job and a full life…"
"And JT?"
"He's still married and there's a mess of complication there. He doesn't tell me much and I don't pry," Victoria explains with a resigned shrug, still feeling the chill up her spine when he tells her it's Colleen's birthday more than the slight sting of not being trusted enough to know. She has no right but still, it hurts because some of JT's best memories of her are intertwined with Victoria's most painful ones. "Then he proposed."
Caroline blinks, stunned before going into that therapist mode of hers. Her pen stops moving between her fingers.
"He…proposed? Care to elaborate on that?"
"It was only hypothetical, of course. See? No ring," Victoria shows Caroline her left hand, no ring on her finger and she's relieved. For many reasons. She doesn't want to unpack all of it now. She doesn't know when she will. Victoria prefers to lock it away in a box, peek into it once in a very blue moon and then bury it so deeply it disappears. Victoria lets her hands settle in her lap. "I shot him down as sweet as it was. We're not ready. I'm not ready."
"Why is that?"
"He's married."
"What if he wasn't?"
Victoria volleys back, "But he is. If he wasn't, it still wouldn't be the right time because I'm at a point in my life where if I were to accept, it would complicate things. It's the last thing I need. Johnny and Katherine are still so little. They still want to cuddle with me and could chatter with me for hours. The novelty never of having Mommy around hasn't worn off for them."
Caroline raises a brow, "And Reed?"
Victoria sighs, still trying to find the boy in the body of her nearly adult son. Sometimes, she can't and sometimes, Victoria sees that little boy in his eyes and is assured of Reed being okay.
"It's not I'm having trouble letting go," she answers, sheepishly. "It's just that he has this whole other life outside of the house and when he's home, he's removed from his dad and I being back together. I think he doesn't want to get too attached to the idea. But I don't know what's running through my son's head these days. I like my son's independence. He's been great handling it, you know? On top of his school work, looking into applying for colleges already, and working really hard with his music, but I wish he'd open up to us more. I remember when I start seeing you. Griffin, Kelsey and Rebecca were still so young."
Caroline looks at her, wistfully, as a friend this time.
"Yeah, they were. Kelsey and Rebecca are in college away from home and Grif hit sixteen."
Victoria groans with a laugh, "You too?"
"Of course. Even worse for me because of my profession. I want to know about his feelings and how his day went and he hits me with that one worded response. Fine," Caroline added, lifting a finger. "Or, my personal favourite. Nothing," she says, with a shrug. Victoria stares at this woman, this therapist and when she does, she can feel more tangled threads start to unravel. Somewhere deep down, Victoria knows it takes than one word to describe one feeling, one mood, one moment and one reaction. The words are many and complex. It'd kill me if you left me. Victoria swears she won't because there's no reason to leave JT and what they have.
There's something in his blue eyes she can't place and the mental picture won't leave her alone. He's angry with her and then becomes apologetic. She swears there's something of a shadow that passes over his face. Then she blinks, swearing it can't real and it's gone.
Caroline takes off her glasses and looks her in the eye, but she softens.
"But it's never just nothing."
Victoria grows quiet, ignoring the shadow that creeps up Caroline's office walls.
The she forces a smile, looks Caroline in the eye and hopes for sun. "No. It never is."
—
fin.