Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction using characters and entities from the Wizarding World trademarked by J. K. Rowling. Original plots, dialogue, and characters are mine.
Summary: Professor Flitwick attempts to bring a classic tragedy to Hogwarts, instead, comedy ensues. This tale will be told by the students who lived it. If you like fourth wall breaking comedies like The Office, Parks and Recreation, and Modern Family, you'll love this (hopefully.)
Betas: MrBenzedrine89, mama2HPbabies, and MotherofBulls
Warnings: Implied Sexual Content, Language, Inappropriate Behavior, Mild Drug Use
Genre(s): Comedy, Romantic Comedy, Breaking the Fourth Wall
Timeline: Hogwarts Era, sixth year. Lucius isn't in Azkaban, Draco isn't tasked with fixing the vanishing cabinet, things are kind of quiet in regards to Voldie, and Dumbledore is an idiot.
Main Pairing: Hermione x Draco
Drama Club
By Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy
Retold by SaintDionysus
Chapter 1
Four school houses, full of teenage angst and lust,
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry,
The charms professor says that they must,
Perform Shakespeare for the whole school to see.
From forth the cast of unlikely players,
A pair of star-cross'd lovers shock the school;
Whose misadventured tryst under the stairs.
Do…
"Granger, are you really trying to rewrite the whole prologue to fit what happened to us in Drama Club?"
"Shut up, Malfoy. It's not easy to write in iambic pentameter."
"Then just write what happened. It's a lot better than your Shakespeare rip-off."
"Fine. Go on. Tell them how it happened."
Once upon a time…
"HA! You tease me for copying Shakespeare and you start off telling the story like it's a fairy tale?"
"Well, there is a handsome prince—me."
"You're impossible," she chews the end of her quill and thinks. "I've got it."
It was January of nineteen-ninety seven. The students of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry were returning from their Christmas holidays. The new term would not be as strenuous on the sixth years as they still had an entire year to prepare for their N.E.W.T. level examinations. Many muggle-borns and half-bloods were chatting on about the Romeo and Juliet film they saw in the cinema. Professor Flitwick couldn't help but eavesdrop into their conversations, and a plan began to formulate in his brilliant mind…
"Oh, that's good, Granger. Nice."
"Stop interrupting, Draco."
"You're so cute when you're bossy...and you're always bossy."
"So are you saying I'm cute all the time?"
"Pretty much."
She bites her bottom lip and can't hide her smile as she puts her quill to the parchment…
Drama Club
By Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy
"Hmm...I think it needs a bit more pizzaz. Give me your quill," Draco says while yanking the quill out of her hand.
Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger
Dramione
Hottest Damn Couple at Hogwarts
"Seriously, Draco. Just pick something," Hermione says, getting more and more impatient by the moment. Draco has a mischievous look in his eyes and scrawls something else.
By Hermione and Draco Malfoy
"No," Hermione says sternly.
"Come on. It looks nice like that," he says with a wink and starts to brush his finger against her cheek. She smiles but shakes her head 'no.' Knowing that he clearly isn't going to win this one, he says, "Fine."
By Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy
"Perfect," she says and gives him a kiss on the cheek as a reward.
"Minerva?" The little wizard attempted to nab the attention of his long-time colleague from across the teacher's lounge.
"Yes, Filius?" The witch responded without looking up from the newspaper.
"I was thinking of putting on a production of Romeo and Juliet this year," Flitwick said, finally piquing McGonagall's attention." I've heard all the muggleborns and half-bloods going on about this new film adaptation. I hadn't read the story in years, and, well, I fell back in love with it."
"Oh, yes. I saw it over Christmas with my niece and her daughter," she said matter-of-factly. "Lovely film. Very clever interpretations to fit the modern world."
"You saw it? How?" The head of Ravenclaw says sounding stunned.
"Filius, I am not going to enumerate the length of time we have been friends, but you should recall that my brothers and I are half-bloods, and they both married muggleborns. We do still like to venture into to muggle world from time to time," Minerva responded curtly.
"No need to act like such a shrew, Minnie...Shrew...hmm...if this is successful, maybe we can do Taming of the Shrew next season." Though Ravenclaw house was known for some of the most brilliant minds, it was also known for the some of the flightiest. Honestly, they have too many ideas at once.
"Don't get ahead of yourself, Filius. Now, how do you intend on putting on this production?"
"Well, we would put it on in the courtyard and build a stage so it feels a bit like the Globe Theatre, you know. Add to the authenticity."
"It's January in Scotland," she said as she gave him a deadpan glare.
"We have magic—"
"—and children who will intentionally break down any climate controlling spells just to see their classmates shiver in tights," she pointed out the obvious.
"Fair point."
"You know, we have a wonderful, empty room with incredible acoustics just waiting for a remodel."
"Oh really? Which room?"
"The Chamber of Secrets."
"Minnie! Are you off your rocker?"
"I am not! Think about it Filius; the Chamber is large enough, so you don't need to worry about extension charms wearing off. It currently serves zero purpose now that bloody monster is dead. We found the secondary entrance from Hogsmeade, so it will be easy enough to receive patrons, and we can change the school entrance so that no one has to enter through the bathroom. The current path down catches up at a certain point in the dungeons, close to the Slytherin common room."
"Minerva, it seems as though you have thought about this before."
"Well, I'm not one who enjoys inefficiency, wasted space, lack of purpose, or nonsense."
"You know who our boss is right?"
She shot him a scathing look. But it was true; Dumbledore was a complete tosser.
"Draco! You can't call our headmaster a tosser in the story!" Hermione exclaims.
"Why not? He is! You know it. I know it. The entire school knows it. He's brilliant with spells and magical law, but when it comes to his students—I swear that man is trying to kill us," Draco reasons with Hermione. "We had to serve detention in a FORBIDDEN Forest, tracking down a unicorn killer, oh...um...who happened to be The Dark Lord—when we were eleven and twelve-year-olds. What kind of person does that?"
"A right tosser. Fine, we'll leave it."
"Did I just win an argument against Hermione Granger?"
"No. You persuaded me to see things from your perspective," she says and can't hide her smirk.
"Well, I intend on persuading you into more things later. Okay, back to the story," he says and squeezes her knee.
"Well, Minerva, how do you intend on paying for these renovations? They sound a lot grander than I was imagining," Professor Flitwick made a valid point.
A wicked smile appeared on her face, as she already had the answer to that question. "Filius, what do we have going on in about twenty minutes?"
"The school governors meeting," he responded, still confused at what she was implying.
The Heads of House and the governors were all seated around the oval table in a little-used staff room. They were discussing upcoming O.W.L. and N.E.W.T. examinations, but Dumbledore tuned out when it came to the topics of security and safety precautions.
Professor McGonagall spoke up and told all those in attendance about Professor Flitwick's plan on putting on a production of Romeo and Juliet. Professor Snape looked less than thrilled. Many were a bit skeptical but open to the idea. Although, one of the governors looked incredibly intrigued.
"So you intend on actually bringing some culture to this school. Fascinating," Lucius Malfoy drawled. "And where do you intend on putting on this little play? Yes, this school as a life-sized chess board and obnoxious moving stairs, but what it lacks is a decent auditorium."
"Wonderful of you to bring that up, Lucius. I have a proposition for you," the tone of Minerva's voice was less stern than usual—it was almost playful. "How would the Malfoy family like to have an auditorium named after them? And not just any auditorium, but one that will bring pride back to Slytherin House."
"Go on," Lucius said with a raised eyebrow.
"We propose remodeling the Chamber of Secrets into the new Malfoy Theatre—"
"— Performing Arts Centre. M-PAC for short. I do love an acronym," the senior Malfoy said proudly. "Done. No need to explain any more. I'll owl Narcissa immediately and have her contact architects and designers. She'll most likely want to oversee the construction. Just do make sure it's cleared out before my wife arrives. Animal carcasses aren't quite her thing."
"Oh?" Dumbledore looked puzzled, then finally realizing what Lucius was implying... "OH! Yes. Severus, as Defense of the Dark Arts professor, please oversee the removal of the basilisk and keep the fangs in a safe place. Who knows when those might come in handy."
The greasy haired professor nodded at the headmaster's request.
"I do have one requirement," Lucius said. "Persuade Draco to participate. He doesn't have to be the lead but I would really like for that child to read something that isn't kept under his mattress."
"Draco...what are you keeping under your mattress?" Hermione asks him, trying not to let her temper flare up.
"I'm a sixteen-year-old male. What do you think I keep under my mattress? I mean, if I got to see the real thing every now and then, I wouldn't need reading material," he says suggestively.
"We'll see..."
"You want to see my dirty magazines? Granger, you have no idea what thoughts you just put in my head…"
She sighs and rolls her eyes, unable to respond. Instead, she let him nuzzle her neck as she pulls out another sheet of parchment.
A/N: Thanks for reading. Feel free to leave a review. I'm also on tumblr: harrypotterandthegobletofwine and Facebook: saintdionysuswriter.