This is a song-fic from my favorite band OneRepublic. Download the song, it's excellent.
This is the original version that OneRepublic made before Timbaland made it kind of – excuse my French – shitty.
It's kind of sad, so just watch out.
EPOV
All We Are
I knew it now, I had to leave. I wasn't doing anything to help Bella, no I was hurting her. She is so perfect, she is my angel. She told me that she wanted to be a vampire, to be with me. How could she want something like that? She said she wants to be a bloodsucking monster! All this just to be with me? It's not a fair trade. I will not let her trade away her soul to be with someone like me for all eternity.
I tried to paint you a picture, the colors were all wrong
Black and white didn't fit ya, and all along
You were shaded with patience, and strokes of everything
That I need just to make it, but I believe that
I'll try to look like I don't care, an impossible task. One look into those deep, bottomless, brown eyes and I'll be lost. She has some kind of control over me, Bella does. It's like, when I see her, I can't do anything for myself. I feel as though she could tell me to do anything, anything, and I would do it. But, I just can't put her in danger anymore. I look at her face, and I see what she could be. I see her as a mother, with children. Children that she could never have if she stayed with me. I know that if it were possible, I would become a human and be with her. But, that isn't possible. Maybe life isn't mystical. Just because I am mystical, doesn't mean my life is supernatural. I have a princess, that much is true. But I am no prince. There is no happy ending for me in this fairytale.
It's time to tear you apart
But it won't break anything that you are
Maybe she'll forget about me, a thought that is as inviting as disgusting to me. She'll marry someone, hopefully not Newton, and be happy. Maybe that Jacob Black, anyone but me. I know that I can't let my family say goodbye to her, they'll just want to stay. I know how much they'll miss her. She'll understand someday, what I'm doing now. The sacrifice that I'm making, all for her.
We won't say our goodbyes
You know it's better that way
We won't break, we won't die
It's just a moment of change
All we are, all we are, is everything that's right
All we need, all we need, a lover's alibi
I can see it in her eyes; she will not let me go. I will have to hurt her more than I thought I was going to. I try to look down, to hide the dry-sobs that were threatening to break loose. I smile a weak smile and say the most incredible lie that has ever graced my lips. I knew she didn't think she was good enough for me, ridiculous. Regardless, it will help me keep her safe. What I am doing is unacceptable, unforgivable. I'm 'hitting below the belt' as Bella once put it. Saying her name was hard, and I hadn't even left her yet. But seeing all her sadness and hurt spread though her eyes like wildfire almost made me tell her it was all a lie and ask for her forgiveness. Almost.
I walked a minute in your shoes, they never would have fit
I figured there's nothing to lose, I need to get
Some perspective on these words, before I write them down
You're an island and my ship has run around
How could she possibly believe that I don't love her?!? I have told her so many times, but it is obvious that she believes it. I can see it in those lovely eyes that she thinks I don't love her. I see hurt, betrayal, incredulousness, and grief. I can tell she is trying to mask it, trying to be as strong as I am being now. If I could cry, I would surely be sobbing. I do not know if I can walk away; just leave her in the forest. But I must, I left her on the trail, she will find her way back to her house. Oh, I hope she does. She's a danger magnet! Maybe I should go back… No. I can't. I need to remember why I am doing this. I need to save Bella from the monster within me.
It's time to tear you apart
But it won't break anything that we are
Useless. I can already tell as I am running what a useless attempt this is. I feel as if I have a hole in my chest, the edges burning. For the first time in over a decade, I felt real, agonizing pain. Yes, when James almost killed her, I cannot say her name now or I will go back, I did feel a form of pain. But then, it was blocked by the determination that I was feeling to try and save her, now it is different. Now I will not be able to save her. Not from herself, not from anyone else. Only from me.
We won't say our goodbyes
You know it's better that way
We won't break, we won't die
It's just a moment of change
All we are, all we are, is everything that's right
All we need, all we need, a lover's alibi
I can see my family worrying about me. I can hear their thoughts as they see my defenses breaking down. I hear Esme's sadness and grief every single day. But that is not the worst, no, the worst is Alice. She lost her best friend, and at first she only felt dejected over it. Then, her depression turned to anger. Alice, my favorite sister, would not talk to me. That was the last straw; I could not be with them any more. I have to do something constructive, instead of just staying in my room and listening to her lullaby. I need to get out of the fetal position and try and live my non-life. But I know that my attempts would only tear my family apart further if I stayed here, I will need to leave.
And every single day that I can breathe
You change my philosophy
I'm never gonna let you pass me by
I gave up on trying to last a day at a time, and decided to count my hours. Soon, hours seemed more like weeks, and minutes like days. I wasn't much more use than I was at home. I tried to track Victoria, only to fail miserably. She was a recluse, I believe. I came to South America, to the sun. All I can do here is sit in the dark and think of Bella. Her named had broken though my defenses, flooding my mind with memories. Memories of her smile, her laugh, her blush… all the things that I loved about her. All the things that I still love about her. The memory of her is slowly fading. I can not remember the exact smell of her wonderful blood. The exact way her beautiful voice sounded so close to my ear. The exact way that her lips felt against mine…
So don't say your goodbyes, you know it's better that way
We won't break, we won't die
It's just a moment of change, yeah
I needed to get back to Bella. My resolve was breaking fast. The hole in my chest getting deeper and deeper as the days turned into months. I felt like I could not breathe, and sometimes had to clutch my stomach just to keep from falling apart. How could I let this happen? I was so strong in the begging, thinking that I could stay away from her for however long that she lives. That brought another thought to mind, what if I wasn't there when she died? She would be with her husband and children, and I would be alone. I have to see her, just to make sure that she is safe. I cannot let her die.
So don't say your goodbyes, you know it's better that way
We won't break, we won't die
It's just a moment of change, yeah
All we are, all we are, is everything that's right
All we need, all we need, a lover's alibi, yeah
How could I be so incredibly stupid? Thinking that I could keep my Bella safe without being there for her! Just the thought of someone like Jacob Black or Mike Newton trying to protect Bella repulses me. And they already failed. They didn't keep watch on her and now she jumped off a damn cliff!! I don't know what to do, I cannot think straight. Dry sobs racked my body and made me whimper in pain as the hole in my chest consumed me. She was my love, she was my life. She is my life. Now that she is gone, my life is over. It makes no sense for me to stay here, on an Earth with nothing for me but misery and disappointment. As I walked down the dark street, I could see happy couples laughing and kissing, something that Bella will never be able to do. I killed her. I left her to fend for herself. I know that I told her that I would never kill myself, but I have no choice now. If I live, the misery will consume me and I will just be an empty shell, more so than before. The sobs slowly subsided as I thought that maybe, just maybe, there is a heaven for our kind. A heaven for the damned. I laughed in dark humor; there was no heaven without Bella, only darkness.
So don't say your goodbyes, you know it's better that way
We won't break, we won't die
R&R peoplez!! I really like the way this turned out, and yes, I cried while writing it. For all you people who read What Are We? I am updating it soon. I have serious writers block and I am so weird that once I started writing this I just couldn't stop! So please, stop sending me death threats. Thanks. LOVE YOU ALL!!
Ciao,
Carly Rae