It Won't Come Easily
Chapter One
"So, you are finally getting out of here today. How does it feel?" Dr. Mickelson asked Carter in their final session together.
"Good." Carter nodded. "I think…no I know I am ready. But I would be lying if I didn't say I was nervous too."
"Let's discuss it then. Where does the nervousness come from?"
"You know I wasn't exactly pleasant to the people who staged the intervention."
"Yes. " Dr. Mickelson nodded. "We have talked about that."
"Well I hurt a lot of them. I hurt Lucy most of all. I'm nervous that they will judge me now." Carter explained.
"All you can do is be honest with them." Dr. Mickelson counseled. "Addiction is a disease and they are doctors. They understand this and I'm sure they won't judge you."
"I guess I'm mostly nervous that Lucy won't forgive me." Carter admitted.
"You've talked about Lucy a lot these past three months. She is clearly important to you."
"Yeah." Carter nodded. "She's the most important person in the world to me. And I really hurt her." He could still remember the pained look on her face and the tears that streamed down her face when he last saw her. It was an image that haunted him.
Being in rehab meant that he couldn't have contact with people from the outside world for three months. So for the past three months he had been wondering how she was doing, what she was doing and if she was still mad at him. He deserved her anger. He destroyed her and their relationship with just a few simple but cruel words and an accidental punch to the face.
He wasn't optimistic that they would work through it. She would have to either be crazy or in love with him in order to give him a second chance. But God, he wanted to try and hoped she would let him try to make it up to her.
He saw now just what his addiction had done to him and his life. He let his physical pain take precedence over everything and control him. But not anymore.
Although he resisted it, and told everyone the first few days that he didn't truly need to be here, rehab was the best thing that happened to him. He had a clear mind now and strategies for dealing with any possible relapses he might have in the future.
"It's very clear to me that you love Lucy." Dr. Mickelson said, pulling Carter out of his thoughts.
"I do." Carter nodded. "Very much so."
"Let me caution you though. I've seen many people come through here, complete rehab and seem to have a good grasp on their addictions, only to go back to their everyday life and find themselves substituting one addiction for another."
Dr. Mickelson sighed. "For some it is cigarettes. Others it is food. Then there are some who replace their addiction for drugs with an addiction to love."
"What does that mean?" Carter asked.
"Don't let your love for Lucy be the thing that you count on to get you through your recovery. In fact, don't let your live of anything or anyone other than yourself be the thing that you relay on to get you through this. You can only truly count on yourself. I know it sounds like a jaded viewpoint, but in this instance it is the truth."
"So what are you saying? I shouldn't try to get back together with Lucy?" He was confused now more than ever.
"I'm not saying that." Dr. Mickelson replied. "Normally after going through rehab we ask you don't start any new relationships for a year. But you and Lucy were already in a relationship so it gets tricky. All I'm saying is don't try to move too fast. Take things slowly and don't develop a dependence on her like you did drugs."
"I guess that makes sense." Carter nodded.
"I am proud of the work you did here, Dr. Carter." He smiled. "I think as long as you remember and practice what you have learned here, you will be able to continue living a sober life."
"Thank you Dr. Mickelson." Carter smiled back. "Really. Thank you for everything."
Carter stood in front of the ER entrance, nervous about going back in. His mind wandered to the night of his intervention.
Carter watched as Kerry came up to him.
"Carter!" She greeted. "Do you have a minute?"
"No." He shook his head. "I'm finally done with these charts. So if you guys don't want me to see any patients today I'm going to go home."
"Not yet." She told him. "I need to talk to you."
He sighed. "Is this my suspension?"
"Not here." She told him. "Come with me."
He sighed again but followed her into an exam room. Inside were Mark, Peter, Dr. Anspaugh and Lucy. She was standing towards the back, behind Mark. He laughed. "Oh God. Really? C'mon. What is this? Give me a break." He grabbed the door to leave, but Kerry stood in front of it.
"Carter. Just listen." Mark said.
"No." He shook his head. "I told you that I am on painkillers for my back, but they are prescribed to me and I am a functional."
"Dr. Carter, you would be wise to be quiet and listen." Dr. Anspaugh commanded.
"My van is parked outside." Mark started. "We have a ticket to Atlanta. There is a drug rehab there that specializes in treating doctors with addictions."
"Well that's great for them but like I've said many times today I'm on prescribed painkillers and that doesn't make me an addict. I think you all know it." He moved for the door again, only to still be blocked by Kerry. "Let me out of here."
"I'm not finished Carter!" Mark yelled. "It's apparent to all of us that you have a drug problem. Therefore we cannot continue to allow you to continue to work here or anywhere else as a physician. So you have two choices…get in the van, go to the airport…check yourself in…and when you come back, we will support you in any way that we can."
"Or what?" Carter scoffed. "I'm fired? You'll fire me?"
"Yeah." Mark nodded.
"Everyone in this room cares about you." Dr. Anspaugh chimed in. "No one is judging you."
"Yes you are." Carter argued. "You've already judged me and think I'm an addict. You have no idea what I've been through these last eight months but I've been here. I've shown up. I haven't made excuses. I haven't complained. I haven't asked for special treatment."
"That's not the point." Kerry said.
"No, that is exactly the point!" Carter yelled. "None of you know what it was like."
Lucy scoffed.
He turned to her. "What?"
"I know I don't have exactly the same experience as you, but you don't think I know what it was like? You weren't the only one attacked that night." She argued. "You could have talked to me."
"You didn't want to talk about it." He scoffed. "You tried to change the subject all the time."
"Still…" She started to say before being cut off.
"Besides that, I was the only one who almost died, all because my med student was too stupid and couldn't handle her patient!" Carter yelled. "And now for some reason you're lying to everyone about me. Why do you feel the need to keep ruining my life? Almost getting me killed wasn't enough? Now you have to try and get me fired? We're done. Alright? Our relationship is officially over now Lucy."
He could see Lucy's eyes water, but she looked like she was trying to hold it in.
"Hey." Mark stepped in. "That's completely uncalled for."
"John, you've demonstrated compulsive, drug-seeking behavior." Kerry stated.
"When?" He asked, clasping his hands together. "Just tell me when."
"You know, I think mainlining fentanyl in the trauma room qualifies." Kerry explained.
"Well I told you I didn't do that. You want to call me a liar, fine. Call me a liar. But I didn't do that." He said.
"I saw you do it." Lucy chimed in.
"I don't know what you think you saw." He moved in closer to Lucy. "But I didn't do it."
"Ok." Kerry conceded. "Show us your wrists."
"What?" He chuckled.
"Show us your wrists!" Kerry commanded, this time louder.
"Are you looking for track marks?" Carter laughed. "Because this is ridiculous."
"Yeah." Kerry nodded. "We are."
He held out his wrists. "Well there. See?" He then took off his coat. "Here. Do you want me to roll up my sleeves?"
"Take off your watch." Kerry ordered.
Carter stopped. "Uh, you know what? Forget it. Forget it. This is a witch hunt and you guys will never be satisfied until you banish me to some faraway rehab place. I don't need this."
"This is your only chance Carter."
"Fine. I quit." Carter said, rolling his coat in a ball and throwing it at Mark. He then left out of the door on the other side of the room. He got to the lounge and opened up his locker.
"What the hell are you doing?" Lucy practically screamed as she got into the lounge.
"I'm quitting." He replied, not turning to look at her.
"John, please don't do this." She pleaded, her voice softer now. "You love being a doctor. It's who you are."
"I don't need this." He said, putting on his coat. "In fact, I have never needed this. I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to help people, but I don't need their damn job."
"You don't want to do this." She said.
"I'm not doing anything." He replied, finally looking at her. "You did this by spreading lies about me."
"I wish it was a lie. But I know what I saw." Lucy told him. She came over and tried to wrap her arms around him but he pushed her away. "Please. Let's just go somewhere and talk this through."
"I have nothing to say to you anymore!" He yelled, leaving the lounge and heading for the exit. "Just leave me the hell alone Lucy! Just because we've been sleeping together doesn't mean I care about you. You were just someone to pass the time with. You don't mean anything to me."
"I can't leave you alone!" Lucy yelled, following after him. "So what is your big plan then? Are you just going to give up on being a doctor after all the hard work and time you've spent getting to this point? You are a great doctor and you're just willing to throw it all away?"
"You don't understand!" Carter yelled, walking towards the street.
"Then talk to me! Make me understand!" Lucy yelled back. "I want so badly to understand. Just please don't shut me out like this."
He turned around, thinking maybe he would explain it to her. But then he saw Peter walking up. "Oh great. Now it's another, smaller intervention."
"Look man, you're getting in that van." Peter told him as he stood next to Lucy.
Carter scoffed. "Like hell I am."
"You're not going to do this." Peter stated.
"It's unbelievable that Lucy lies and makes everyone believe that I'm some kind of junkie and you actually believe them. You come down and help them ambush me." Carter scoffed again. "What the hell man? I thought we were friends."
"We are friends, Carter. That's why I'm here." Peter stated. "But you are out of control. If you can't see that, then I don't care but either way you are getting in that van."
"No."
"Get in the van." Peter commanded.
"I said no." Carter said. "It's a free country and I'm not going. The only place I'm going is home."
"Where does it end, man, huh?" Peter asked. "This week is fentanyl, next week you end up dead. Or worse, you end up like you cousin, some babbling gork in a nursing home…"
He couldn't take it anymore. All he saw was red when Peter mentioned Chase. He immediately brought his fist up and tried to take a swing a Peter.
"That's enough!" Lucy said, getting in between them.
Unfortunately he couldn't stop his fist in time and he ended up punching Lucy in the eye, causing her to fall back into Peter.
She whimpered, breathing heavily as she cradled the left side of her head in her hand.
Carter watched as Peter steadied Lucy on her feet and took a look at her eye.
"Are you ok?" Peter asked her.
"Yeah." Lucy whispered, starting to cry.
Carter couldn't help it. He started to cry too. He didn't mean to hurt her. "Luce…I…Shit…"
"Ok. Now you are definitely getting your ass in that van, even if I have to bungee cord your ass to the roof." Peter told him.
"Please John?" Lucy pleaded through tears.
He looked over at Lucy. He had never seen her look so distraught and sad. But he did that to her. There was no going back from this. Peter was right. He was out of control He didn't say anything, just nodded a few times.
"C'mon man." Peter ushered him to the van and helped him get in the passenger seat.
Carter stared out the window, making eye contact with Lucy for as long as he could before Peter pulled away from the curb. Then he closed his eyes and wished the ground would swallow him.
The flight to Atlanta and the drive to the rehab facility were quiet. It wasn't until he was handed the paperwork that he realized it was a three month program. He wasn't happy about that and made his displeasure known loudly. But he worked the program and got through it. He was stronger now.
He went into the hospital, making his way to the office where he was going to meet with Kerry and Mark. He got there too early though and had to wait in the waiting room. Mark had said that night that they would support him however they could if he completed the rehab program, but now that he was here he wondered if they would let him come back or not.
A moment later, he heard two familiar voices.
"So the mastectomy is scheduled for 9, and then the gastric bypass is at 1:30 and the thyroidectomy is at 5." Lucy told Peter as they walked together.
"Doesn't leave a lot of time in between." Peter laughed.
"Yeah, but what else is new?" Lucy laughed.
"At least Elizabeth is covering the ER today." He said.
"True." She agreed. "Small blessings!"
Carter watched them walking and talking together, noticing how they seemed to be in-sync with each other. They weren't close before. That must have happened in the past three months. He debated whether or not to make his presence known but was discovered by Peter before he could make up his mind.
"Carter!" Peter greeted, walking over to where he was sitting.
Carter got up. "Hey."
"It's nice to see you back." Peter said.
"Well I'm not officially back yet. That decision is up to Kerry and Mark." Carter explained. He noticed that Lucy didn't walk over with Peter. She seemed to be eager to look at anything but him.
"You're looking good." Peter said.
"Well that's not hard considering how horrible I looked the last time you saw me." Carter awkwardly laughed.
Lucy finally walked over. "Dr. Benton, I'm going to go check on pre-op labs."
"Hello Lucy." Carter greeted, hoping she would acknowledge him.
She looked over at him. "Hello Dr. Carter."
Dr. Carter. So he was back to being Dr. Carter…not Carter and not John…that wasn't a great sign.
Peter looked at Lucy. "Thank you Lucy. I'll be there in a moment."
Lucy took one more look at Carter and then disappeared behind the doors.
"Well she couldn't get away from me fast enough." Carter remarked when she was out of sight.
"She's…look, just cut her some slack, ok?" Peter advised.
"I think she officially hates me. I'm back to being Dr. Carter." Carter noted.
"How you doing?" Peter asked.
"I'm alright." Carter nodded.
"Good." Peter smiled. "I have to go, but I'm sure Mark and Kerry will let you come back. So I'll see you later."
"Yeah." Carter nodded. He realized now that he had his work cut out for him if he wanted to get back in Lucy's life.
So there is chapter one of my new story. Hopefully you will enjoyed it! Don't be afraid to review and let me know what you may have liked or not liked. :)