I don't know what I want but I don't want this... (p28) – 21/22.01.17
Up on the sixth floor of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, heavy footfalls and irregular breathing punctuated the air and echoed off the walls as Remus Lupin paced back and forth along one of the empty corridors.
Shakily, he took in deep lungfuls of air and released them slowly as he tried to eradicate all feelings of irrepressible agitation and senseless anger.
He detested those poisonous emotions; more than that, Remus detested feeling them. It was rare that he felt such overwhelming negative emotions all at once, but when he did, he tried his best to seclude himself and keep away from people.
Remus loathed being filled with such inexcusable rage, especially when he didn't understand the reasons behind it. What he despised most of all, though, was the feeling of being without control. Lack of control was something that he dealt with once a month, every month. And that was enough for him.
Remus paused in his furious pacing and clenched his eyes shut tight, trying with all of his might to push away the molten-like feeling surging deep within his gut, threatening to rise again. Agitatedly, he ran a hand through his hair, making it stand on end – and most probably making him look like the raving lunatic he had just been, he realised.
Remus frowned to himself and huffed through his nose as he wondered where this sudden temper flare had come from. It was very unlike his normal self. He started pacing again, his hands clenching and unclenching into fists at his sides.
It was a well-known fact that Remus Lupin did not get angry easily. It just didn't happen. Remus was a mild-mannered, accepting and kind individual. He was patience personified. Remus was not quickly angered or unreasonable.
In fact, he had only been angry a handful of times in his life and, every single time, he had had a reason behind his outbursts. He had always had a logical and oftentimes understandable reason. But, this time, he couldn't find the reason.
Or, at least, he couldn't find a justifiable reason. He couldn't understand his sudden irrational behaviour. Because that was what his behaviour was: irrational. It was unfounded and stupid and completely barbaric, and so very unlike him.
Unfortunately, though, Remus knew exactly what he was feeling; and he knew why he was feeling that way. But, just because he knew the why, it didn't make his behaviour any less illogical. It was still completely 100% illogical and moronic, he thought.
Let it be known that Remus Lupin did not get jealous. He had no reason to. His life was just fine; he was quite content, all things considered.
Remus did not fly off the handle or raise his voice, and he definitely didn't storm out of the Great Hall just because he saw his sort-of-ex flirting with someone else. However, there were exceptions to the rule. And it seemed that Sirius Black was his exception.
As much as Remus abhorred the nonsensical emotion, he could not deny that it was what he was feeling. Remus Lupin was in no doubt that he was, in fact, jealous. And, it seemed that there was only one person in the entire universe that could elicit such strong emotions from him: Sirius Black.
Remus paused and roughly pushed a hand through his hair again.
Why was it that Sirius fucking Black could amplify such intense emotions in him? Why did Sirius get to bring out the worst and best of him? It was unfair, he thought. Sirius shouldn't be able to make him feel like he's the only person in the world that matters, and the Animagus shouldn't be able to make him feel like an overprotective jealous buffoon.
It vexed Remus that Sirius could do that to him. He hated that Sirius had so much control over his emotions, that Sirius could break him whenever the Animagus wanted.
He hated it, but there was nothing he could do about it. After all, when it came to Sirius, he had no control. Sirius had the power to hurt him very badly, and Remus was unsure whether the other Marauder knew it or not.
Click, clack, click, clack, click, clack...
The faint sound of footsteps reverberating off the walls – shoes hitting stone floor determinedly, coming closer to him, and growing louder with each step – alerted Remus to incoming company. He paused in his pacing and straightened up.
Cautiously, he opened his eyes and looked ahead of him, his eyes falling on the colourful tapestry hung up at the end of the dead-end corridor. As if hit by an Affligo hex, he suddenly remembered where he was – or rather, where he had ran off to after his little almost-outburst – and he realised that he had no escape. Not unless he wished to pass the trespasser.
Remus waited silently as the footsteps finally came to a stop behind him. He inhaled slowly, catching the signature (and all-familiar) scent of the other person in the large space. From the strength, he reckoned that the other wizard was only around two or three metres away from him; Remus, being a werewolf, had always had better senses than Muggles or wizard-kind.
Covertly, Remus breathed in the earthy parfum of his sort-of-ex and took comfort in it for a moment. The combined mixture of wet grass, expensive Muggle cologne, dog and something distinctively Sirius assaulted his senses, and he waited for the Animagus to make the first move.
"Moony," Sirius began quietly, speaking to Remus' back. "What are you doing?"
Remus frowned to himself and stared unseeingly at the tapestry in front of him, wondering how on Earth he was going to explain himself. To him, Sirius sounded exasperated but Remus honestly thought that he had more of a reason to be tired and annoyed.
After all, Sirius wasn't the one who had to endure such childish feelings like jealousy. It was Remus who had to watch Sirius flounce about with Ankou fucking Carlson. Remus was the one who had to watch Sirius smile and laugh and flirt with the, admittedly handsome, Hufflepuff – with his perfectly coiffed auburn hair and sparkling baby blue eyes and flawless, unmarred skin.
Sirius was actually having a dandy time, as far as Remus was concerned. Sirius was doing just fine, flirting with his new handsome Hufflepuff. The Animagus didn't even seem to remember that they had been sort-of together. Sirius didn't seem to remember the moments they had shared together – the stolen kisses and reciprocal climaxes and intimate midnight conversations – before their sort-of break-up.
Admittedly, Remus knew he had no reason to be upset. The break-up had been of his own doing, after all. In fact, Sirius had originally protested against it. But Remus had insisted, saying that he needed time to figure himself out. Because, the truth was, he did need time to figure things out, and he had needed to be alone to do that. He was confused and he hadn't wanted to drag Sirius through his shit with him. He didn't want Sirius to get hurt.
At the time, Remus had been going through a lot – with his mum's illness, and his fluctuating sexuality, and his future and schoolwork – and he didn't want to drag Sirius through his turmoil. In his opinion, the Animagus had been through enough; Sirius didn't need to deal with his shit as well.
Ultimately, Remus had just wanted to protect Sirius. From what, he didn't know. Himself, maybe? All Remus had wanted to do was keep Sirius safe and unhurt. Because, whether he admitted it or not, he was falling for the other Gryffindor.
It scared him, truth be told – the intensity of his feelings towards Sirius. He was terrified of how he felt and he was terribly confused. He wasn't even sure if he liked men or women or both. His mind had been in disarray and all he had wanted to do was protect Sirius from the inevitable pain that he knew he was going to bring.
The fact that he was falling hard and fast for Sirius had added to the confusion and impending feeling he felt. He knew that one or both of them was going to get hurt. He just hadn't expected himself to do the hurting as well as be the hurt.
At the time, Remus had done the only thing he could think of – something that defied everything about being a Gryffindor: he ran. Figuratively, of course. He had stopped their...whatever it was, and they had tried to continue as before. But it had been rather difficult to do that, Remus had found – continuing as if nothing had changed between them.
"You wanted this, Remus," Sirius said once the silence between them grew too heavy. "You wanted us to... You wanted...things...between us to end. You said that you needed time to sort your shit out and that things might not be the same. You said that friendship was better. I'm only doing what you told me to do—"
Remus frowned and spun around to face Sirius for the first time since the Animagus had entered the hallway. "I didn't want this," he denied quickly, his eyes turning downcast to the floor space between him and Sirius.
"Then what do you want?" Sirius countered, his grey eyes narrowing as he watched Remus. "Because you can't keep doing this; I can't keep doing this." He paused and took a step forward. "I've tried, Remus. Honestly, I have tried to be how we were before this," he waved a hand between them, "back when we were just Padfoot and Moony."
Pausing again, he took another step forward.
"I have tried not to pay attention or feel angry when I see you flirt with Vance or any of the other lasses, but it's hard, Moony. It's hard and I've tried to move on – I have. But I can't when we are stuck in this loop."
He searched Remus' face but Remus made a conscious effort to keep his face controlled and his eyes focused on the minimal floor space between them.
"I don't know you want from me, Remus," Sirius finished tiredly. "What do you want?"
"I..." Remus looked up and stared at Sirius, shrugging helplessly as he floundered. "I-I... I don't know!" he blurted loudly, before he pulled back his composure. He waited until his voice stopped echoing around the claustrophobic space before he spoke again. "Sorry," he muttered the apology; he levelled his voice and looked at Sirius calmly. "I don't know, okay? I don't know what I want but I don't want this..."
Tumultuous grey eyes narrowed and studied the werewolf carefully as Sirius nodded and worried his lip thoughtfully.
"So..." Sirius sniffed and took another step closer to Remus, still watching him closely. "Where do we go from here?"
Remus suddenly realised how close Sirius was, more or less a couple of feet away – close enough that Remus could see the silver splinters in his grey irises and smell the oddly tantalising vanilla-mint hybrid shampoo he used.
Remus shook his head helplessly. "I don't know." He swallowed and watched Sirius through doleful eyes. "I still don't know what I want, Sirius. I can't...I can't drag you through that. But it's unfair of me to do this to you as well. I know that." He exhaled sharply and took a step back. "I shouldn't feel like this. I broke it off with you, right? I don't get to feel...jealous and...sad, right?"
Sirius huffed a mirthless laugh and took a step forward, replacing the foot or so of distance between them.
"Remus, just because you called things off, it doesn't mean that you shouldn't feel...however it is you're feeling. You have every right to feel how you do," he said, his voice oddly gentle for the usually rambunctious Marauder. "You needed time away. That didn't mean that you felt okay about ending things." A pause before, "How are you now?"
Remus shrugged faintly and watched Sirius, wondering when on Earth the Animagus became the calm, collected, patient one. When had they switched roles?
"Fine, I suppose," he answered.
Sirius nodded. "And? Did you answer all of your questions?"
Remus shook his head solemnly. "No. Not really. I'm still as confused as I was two months ago... I did get an answer to one question, though."
"And that was?" Sirius asked tentatively.
"Could I do this without you?"
"And...?" he asked, his voice sounding hesitant and – to Remus' ears – hopeful.
Remus huffed a humourless laugh and shook his head again. "It was never really a question I should have asked, was it? I know I couldn't."
Sirius shuffled another tentative step forward and looked Remus in the eye. "Remus, I know you're confused. I know you're going through something and you need space to sort it all out."
The ex-Black paused and moved closer to Remus, leaving barely a sheet of paper's gap between them, effectively closing the space between them. His hands moved of their own accord, one coming up to rest lightly on Remus' shoulder while the other moved around to rest on the nape of Remus' neck.
Remus felt Sirius' fingers card through his hair and he closed his eyes as bittersweet memories flooded him. It was something Sirius had done when they had been together, and it reminded Remus of late night excursions and cupboard kisses and intense conversations. It was delightfully soothing, but it evoked heavy emotions in him.
"Moony," Sirius murmured, and Remus opened his eyes; stormy grey latched onto troubled hazel-amber. "You're still one of my best mates. I want to be there for you. I think, if you gave it a chance, this could be something amazing. But I understand that you need time. So, if you want, I'll wait. I'll wait for you to decide what you want. I'll wait until you've sorted everything out."
"I can't ask that of you, Sirius," Remus mumbled. "I won't ask that of you. It's too much."
Grey eyes moved to the hand resting on Remus' shoulder, thumb moving in slow soothing circles, as Sirius worried his lip.
"You don't need to ask, Moony. I'll do it for you anyway, because...I-I..." He paused and furrowed his brow, debating his next words. "I'll do it because I love you, Remus."
Everything froze. With that one phrase, Remus stopped thinking. He stopped worrying and his confusion, albeit temporarily, evaporated. His heart stammered against his ribcage, urging him to return the words. But he couldn't. Not yet, at least. He still had things he needed to sort out. He couldn't return those words until he had his life and mind sorted out; not until he was worthy of such love.
"And I want to be there for you," Sirius continued, unaware of Remus' inner monologue. His second set of words brought Remus back to reality. Sirius looked back at Remus, catching the werewolf's eyes again. "So, I will wait. I don't mind waiting. But...just don't push me away, Remus."
Remus licked his lips – more out of nervous habit than actual intent – and nodded. He didn't want Sirius to put his life on hold for a possible chance at something happening between them, but the fact that Sirius had offered made all the difference.
And, he knew that Sirius would wait regardless of whether he had Remus' permission or not. Remus knew that when Sirius loved, he loved hard and with all of his heart. Sirius would wait for as long as there was a chance with him – however small it was. And that thought gave Remus hope.
"Okay," he replied before he was pulled into a tight embrace.
"I've got you, Moony," Sirius promised into his shoulder. "We'll get through this."
DISCLAIMER: I do not own these characters. Nor do I own the cover photo.
NOTE: this is posted in 'A PostSecret Collection' too.
Also, one year ago today, I uploaded my first story. So I thought I would get this out there as a sort of tribute.
P.S. that is the actual secret that inspired this story.
Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed it! =)