I don't know what came over me. It was like I took the backseat in my mind and watched as memories played across my inner vision, sending me into deeper remorse. Mainly memories of Mellish, though. He was the one who had given me the encouragement that I needed to pull myself into battle. He believed in me. But I took it for granted, and when the time came to show my courage and save him, I choked. I had never felt so ashamed of myself in my life. It was then that I truly discovered myself.

I was deeply ashamed of what I had done, and I wanted to just shoot myself right then and there. It was my fault, after all. If Sergeant Horvath hadn't have pulled me off of those staircases and to our little 'Alamo', I am sure that they would have found me.

After that battle, after the captain had died and we, being Reiben, Ryan, and I, mourned the losses of our battalion. More of the pain fell onto Reiben's heart, though, as he genuinely looked up to the captain and a deep respect for him. I mourned for my new found friends.

Now that the war has been over, I am left with these pains. Every day, I hope for a word from Ryan or Reiben. I receive none. It is a daily ritual to come out here in the fields, sometimes, farther, and just remember. Somehow, I can't seem to put any of this behind me. After all, one of the deaths is my fault. The one man that I truly looked up to. And now he is in a better place.

"Daddy!" my little girl yelled excitedly as I wandered through the door. She jumped down from the dining table and leaped into my arms. "Did you have fun today, daddy?"

I wanted to tell her that everyday was horrible. It was torment to a poor, war-weary soul. I should have told her that daddy wasn't ok. I should have told her everything. But being the cowardly lout that I am, I covered up my pain. I think I was afraid to inflict her with my suffering. That was the last thing I wanted.

"Yes, Monica, I had fun today."

My baby smiled and pecked my cheek. I smiled at her. My Monica. My angel. Ever since my wife had had her, my life seemed somehow fuller. Truly, it was almost like a little bit of the battalion's spirit pulsed through her veins. I put her down and watched as my wife turned to me with a worried look on her face.

"Tim. I…we worry about you, you know. You should stop going to the fields, it only makes it worse." she said, coming over to me and wrapping her arms around my waist. She rested her head on my chest.

"No, sweetie, it helps, it really helps. I don't think I would be able to cope if it weren't for silence and solitude." I answered. "How else am I going to repent?"

For the first time in my life since the war, I felt hope again.