" I want to tell you something... Hello , are you there ? Hello ? " My words can never reach him. I really want to express my feelings for him. Those feelings that was borned after so much time we spent together , in joy and sadness. I love him , but my voice cannot break through the barrier. He'll never know my feelings – and I'll never know his. He's gone...and I'm not who I think I am...
One year ago...
Let me tell you a bit about myself. I'm 17 years old and I'm a girl. I have silver hair that reach my back. I'm a girl that really like the color of black. I really like to search for information, either old or new. I'd say that I have a high – tech brain and that makes me clever. I understand everything in the world. Except one thing that I learned and until now , I never understand it. Emotions.
I was with my friend when I arrived. He was a normal boy , probably the same age as I was. He had spiky blonde hair and two hair that have a little bit brown at the edge of it. At first sight , I felt some sort of connection with him, because somehow I got a feeling that he also liked to search for further knowledge. He told me to sit on the couch of some sort of mini house while he fiddled with his laptop. I waited patiently for him to finish.
"It's finally done! " He say , while smiling to me. " What's done ? " He gave me some kind of thick book . He gave me a thumbs- up and said , " Try to open it , " " Okay " First , I hestitated. But , he was my friend , and friends trust each other. I open it , and stared it in awe. It was a complete dictionery of everything in the world. From a little thing like dust to something as big as the ocean. The description was very detailed too.
" Thank you very much , I appreciate it. " I start to flip over page to page. He just smile and mutter a soft " Your welcome " and stare at me. I ignored his stare as I flip and stop at one page. " What is this ? " I ask him , pointing at one word. He looked at it for awhile and start to laugh really hard. I just watch him with my poker face until he stops. " What's so funny ? "He just smiled and say " You don't know what emotions is ? " I shake my head. " Well , what's the book say about it ? " I start to read it , " Emotions is an expression of your feelings ." He nodded and say , " Well , I'll teach you then ! "
From that very moment , he teaches me about this ' Emotions ' . I learned many things about it. From happy to sad , from calm to anger , and from hate to love. Actually , I got to admit that I was amazed by this emotions. They let us felt open to ourself , and to other people. But still , I don't understand one part of emotions. Love . He told me about it before , but I still don't understand it. I tried to search about it through my laptop day and night, and I still couldn't. I wasn't the type that easily gived up on something, especially at this so called ' Love ' . I understand everything in this world – I think I've said it twice now – and for not understanding ' Love ' means letting my pride down as the cleverest girl. And I cannot allow that.
" Love is an emotion when you felt close and attracted to the opposite gender." Is all I found after searching for weeks . I know about it if you ask me. What I don't know is how it felt to be in ' Love'. I already watch many video that they call like ' Fluffy ' , ' Cute ' , ' Romantic ' even the type they called as ' For Adults' – And I don't understand why some of them squeling after seeing it , but I don't care- even after all that I still can't felt the 'Love' thing . I already read all the dictionary he gave me, and the description is the same like the one I found. He said that only a few find and feel ' Love '. When I ask him how to find it , he became silent. I though I did something wrong and I apologize to him. After all , he is my one and only friend.
Nine months had passed since our first encounter. By now , I already started to give up on finding the emotions of ' Love '. I wasted many time and find nothing – only the same description over and over again. At first , I was depressed. But he came and cheer me up , saying that failing is a part of life and it was impossible for any of us to live without failing for once. I smiled. That is the first time I ever smiled to any one and I never thought I can smile even for once. He cheered , saying that my smile is attractive. I felt that my face grew hotter than before. It feels like one upper level of happiness. The inner me beat two times faster than before. I never noticed this kind of emotion until today. I tried to find out what triggers the emotion out. It takes one week for me to realize it. Him. He was the one who caused this emotion. Everytime I see him , the inner me start to beat two times faster than normal. Seeing he's here with me makes me smile. Seeing him happy make me feel happy too. And now I know , this is how it feels to be in Love.
Nine months , twenty five days had passed. Everyday was a wonderful moment. He would play with me all day long while finishing his school assignments called homeworks. He keep saying how annoying it is and how much he want to spend more time in his room , instead of going school. He will tell different stories of his best friends. He have many friends , and I kind of envy him for that. But he always say that the one who can understand him the best is me. I felt really glad. My normal activities is listening to his stories. He will be the one who start to blabber things and all I need to do is listen – sometime say some thing like , " Yes , I agree " or " Is that so ? " . But I don't mind , because I will do anything to stay and make him happy. From that day onwards , I found a reason to live.
Eleven months had passed since we first met. He seemed so distant now, he seemed like a person who was in depression. He spent less time talking to me and teach me about new things and more time out of the house. I hadn't talked to him in for days and I felt very uncomfortable... I started to doubt myself. ' Did I do something wrong ? ' ' Did I annoy him this much? ' ' Is he doing okay out there ? ' and the most recent question that pops out of my head , ' Is he happy with out me ? '... I had a bad feeling that this might be the start of something awful.
Eleven months , twenty nine days had passed since our first encounter. I finally found the time to be alone with him. I wanted to talk to him about lot of things. I felt so relieved and happy to see him , I missed him so much. I started to have hope again. Telling me that he still care about me.
" Is every thing okay ? " I asked him. He shook his head. His face show a deep depression and sadness. But he didn't answer my question , still silent. " Well , is there anything I can do to help you? " I eagerly asked. " No... I need to move on with my life," he said in a dark tone. " I'm sorry... but you need to go..."
I was shocked. There was a pain my chest when he asked me to go. What was this feeling ? I'd never experienced such pain before. For the first time , I can feel my own tears. I cried in agony , " But...why?" I saw a tear ran down on his cheek behind his spiky hair. He was... crying. The tear hung from his chin and fell, followed by a steady stream of fresh tears. I could hear him saying, " GoodBye," and "Sorry," repeatedly between his sniffles. His finger reached out to a button on the keyboard...
" NO ! NO ! I still want to learn many things with you !" I hollered at the top of my voice. I tried stopping him , but... He pressed the button. He turned around , wiped his tears , and silently walked away from me. " I STILL WANNA LEARN WITH YOU ! Don't go ! Please- ! " I started shouting and crying hysterically, but my voice started crackling, my body felt numb and powerless... and my head went blank.
I guess we were back where we started. That's right. I was just a program. I was never real to begin with. These feelings were just my imagination playing tricks on me. As I sat in the darkness of the Void, as my body disintegrated into millions of polygon shards, virtual tears started to flow from my half-intact eyes. There was no way my voice can reach him again. I was nearing destruction. I loved him, but I was nothing but a program. But, it was fun while it lasted. I still remembered the cheerful day we spent together. I was sure he loved me too... in his own way. However, there was no way a bunch of data and a human can be together. Before my world entirely collapsed into strands of binary code and distorted polygon shards, before the uninstall bar reached its end, I uttered my final words...
" I'm grateful we met... I will never forget you.. "
" Thanks for loving me ! "